Giving someone a house key requires a lot of trust.
But what happens when that trust is broken?
A new father feeling betrayed by his mother-in-law turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Shockzs asked:
"AITA for banning a relative from our house right after they donated our furniture while we were away from home?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm still shaking while typing this. My wife Paula and I just got back from a trip. It was our first time away since our twin daughters were born. We gave my mother-in-law, Hakiko, a spare key just to check on things if necessary."
"Paula is sentimental. When her grandmother passed away, she left her two hand-carved mahogany pieces: a desk and a vanity. They were Paula's absolute favorite things."
"We walked in yesterday, and the room was empty. Hakiko was there, all smiles, saying she made a surprise for us by getting rid of that old dusty junk to give us a modern look."
"She replaced them with some cheap, flatpack furniture. She literally gave away/donated Paula's inheritance without asking."
"I told her to leave and give me the keys. I changed the locks today. Paula has been in tears. Now the rest of the family are calling me an abusive guy and controlling by for isolating Paula from her mother Hakiko over some old piece of junkie wood."
"They say Hakiko's heart was in the right place, and I'm being an a**hole for banning a grandmother from seeing her grandkid over furniture!"
"My wife is on my side. She agrees with the ban, but the constant guilt from her family is making me feel like a monster."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I banned my mother-in-law from our home and changed the locks after she gave away my wife's family heirlooms without our consent."
"I might be the a**hole because my father-in-law and brother-in-law are calling me 'abusive' and 'controlling' for isolating a family member over what they call 'just some furniture' and since her intentions were supposedly good, my extreme reaction might be seen as an overreaction."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"You call the police and report the theft."
"You will be able to get the furniture back that way."
"She will have to admit to the police to whom she donated/sold the furniture. And your furniture will be recovered as stolen property." ~ Lighthouse_on_Mars
"You are not the a**hole. You were robbed of precious heirlooms. Robbery requires police." ~ binjamins
"There's a big chance the furniture has good value, and she actually sold it. In my country mahogany furniture in good condition is a solid investment, don't know about theirs." ~ DoctorBoomeranger
"I think someone else in the family wanted it, and Mom let them take it." ~ WandaFuca
"NTA, and absolutely file a police report. Even if MIL genuinely donated them, theft is theft regardless of her intentions."
"Plus handcarved mahogany pieces from that era are worth serious money, so there's a decent chance she knew exactly what she was doing and pocketed the cash." ~ Forward-Concern403
"The worst of it isn't the theft."
"It's the fact that she did this and is smug about it. She's getting others involved because she's facing consequences."
"Typical behaviour of an emotionally immature parent. It won't stop if you don't keep your boundaries."
"It's very important you both decide what kind of relationship you want with the rest of the family and how you will protect that." ~ littlehungrygiraffe
"I would be willing to bet money Hakiko has the furniture. NTA and agree Paula should make a police report." ~ Electrical-Leopard-2
"Wouldn't shock me if she was pissed that her daughter got the pieces and not her and just took them and replaced them with sh*t."
"Because I can't think of any other reason anyone would do that, get basically Ikea furniture, and then smile like they did something amazing. Not to mention how she sold them."
"Mahogany is heavy, so either she got someone to move them to her place or let strangers in a house that wasn't hers to pick them up."
"All sorts of crazy bullsh*t going on here." ~ Neveronlyadream
"Guaranteed there's a reason the inheritance skipped a generation, and Hakiko actually PROVED why grandma originally did that." ~ Deputy_Scrambles
"Don't let the family gaslight you into thinking this was some innocent mistake. MIL knew exactly what she was doing when she threw away irreplaceable heirlooms and replaced them with IKEA furniture."
"The audacity to call hand-carved mahogany 'old junk' while simultaneously thinking her surprise home makeover was wanted is absolutely unhinged." ~ Puzzleheaded_Mess_81
"NTA. Find out where she donated it RIGHT NOW. You might be able to get it back. Threaten to file a police report for theft."
"I suspect she didn't even 'donate' them; she sold them to pocket cash. She has to have known their worth." ~ Sensitive_Coconut339
"Also, she didn't carry out heavy pieces herself. Who helped her? A company or a donation center? Get all the info you can out of her to track these down. If she can't remember, she has a call log on her phone." ~ Sensitive_Coconut339
"NTA. Tell her that you're going to call the police for theft if she doesn't tell you where she took the furniture. You may still have to call the police so you can get it back." ~ Caspian4136
"NTA. For anyone defending her, tell them, 'When Hakkiko returns every piece of furniture she stole from our home, she can come back. Until then, she isn't welcome, but I'll let her know she's free to come over and ransack your home since you seem to believe that's generous'." ~ Katerh
"This right here. She can pilfer antiques from the rest of the family; keep her the hell out of your house." ~ firebrandbeads
"I would not even allow her back after the return of the furniture. She has proven she has no morals. Someone who would 'donate' cherished heirlooms has no place in their lives." ~ RochesterBottomDaddy
"NTA. I would file a police report. It probably won't go anywhere, but having a copy of a police report is strong documentation, if needed, for the future (for instance, if MIL tries to file for Grandparents' Rights or if family members try to guilt you)." ~ teresajs
"NTA. Hakiko's heart was *not* in the right place. She took away items that meant a lot to her own daughter. Whether she was jealous her daughter inherited them and whether she sold them or trashed them, there is dysfunction in her family." ~ lonnielee3
"NTA. She had no right to do that, period."
"Are you sure she donated/gave away the furniture and didn't sell it? Vintage furniture pieces can be worth a lot of money…" ~ airkewled67
"Tell the rest of the family to shut it. If mom can find and return the furniture, sincerely apologize, and understand what she did wrong, I'd maybe allow her time with the grandchildren. Otherwise, hard no. NTA." ~ Discount_Mithral
"NTA. Are we sure she donated it, or did she sell it? Genuine mahogany furniture can fetch some crazy prices, especially if it's antique. I wonder if MIL knew the furniture was potentially worth a lot and took the opportunity to sell it. Then replace it with cheap Wayfair crap under the guise of a 'kind gesture'. I'd definitely file a report and demand to know where MIL 'donated' the furniture." ~ BusGo_Screech26
"NTA. Your MIL crossed the line by donating your property without permission. Also, what's with your in-laws saying 'You're abusive and isolating your wife from her mother' when it was your MIL that hurt your wife? Ignore them if they know the whole story and just be there for your wife right now." ~ InfamousDrama3047
"Handcarved mahogany pieces vanishing are absolutely a police matter. The grandma either stole them or was tricked into giving them away."
"Would be telling your wife's family if it's such a little thing, they can either get the pieces back or replace them, which is not a cheap or easy thing to do." ~ Acceptable-Net-154
"So the person who gave away Paula's inheritance was her own mother?"
"That smacks so much of jealousy that she was overlooked and her daughter, Paula, inherited things that she feels she should have been given. I'd be asking Paula to visit her mother's house to see if the items weren't there and not in fact thrown out, as has been alleged."
"I'd be telling MiL to contact whoever she got rid of the old dusty things, as you want them back, and if she can't or won't get them back for you, then you cut her off, for good."
"What she has done is so far beyond it's astounding. NTA." ~ Powerful_Put_6977
The OP provided an update:
"After reading all these comments…we're going to the police department because, yes, it's theft. All the comments are running in the same direction…theft."
"It's my house, my property, my place of peace. Should not be in this situation! I'm so happy my wife also agrees with me."
It sounds like the OP has a good plan to address the issue.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp