Music is something designed to be embraced by the masses.
It makes people feel and love life.
So how is it possible that music can be an issue in relationships?
Music. Sometimes the great divider.
Case in point...
Redditor dougig29 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for asking my girlfriend if she could play 'more normal' music at home?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My girlfriend has an... eclectic music taste that we had a big argument about last night."
"We live together and have a great sound system in the shared areas of the house (kitchen, living room, dining room, etc."
"And when I play music I usually put on an album or two to listen to, straight through."
"My girlfriend likes to put on playlists, and last night she put on, in this order... I honestly just have to write out this playlist because it's that crazy..."
"Friends in Low Places by Garth Brooks (a very country song)."
"Then the Thiefing Magipe by Rossini (an intense classical music song)."
"Then Pink Rover by Scene Queen (a weird metal/pop mix)."
"Then Dangerous by Cascada (a 2000s pop song)."
"Then Dogma by KMFDM (this metal/electronic song with spoken word lyrics)."
"After that point, I asked her if she could just pick one playlist or album, or at least something more normal, and put it on because her music was kinda all over the place."
"She said that she was playing a playlist she made, and that it was what she wanted to listen to when she was doing chores."
"I, kinda joking around, but also a little annoyed, asked what kinda playlist it was, because it seemed unhinged."
"She was like 'uhh it's my cleaning playlist?'"
"It's just good music to get up and move around or dance to?"
"Like high energy stuff, you know?"
"I was like 'there's girly pop, classical music, and industrial noise in there though?'"
"And she was like 'yeah that's some of what I like?'"
"I asked her if she could put on something a little less chaotic and she said she was cleaning our kitchen, the least I could do is not talk s**t about her music tastes."
"I was like 'but you've gotta realize it's a little out there, right?'"
"And she was like 'Nah these are all bangers, why are you being such a d**k?'"
"'I don't talk crap when you wanna listen to the same 3 bands everyday.'"
"She was getting really annoyed with me so I dropped it, and she played another hour or so of honestly the most random playlist I've ever heard."
"I feel kinda conflicted, because on one hand her music was weird AF and I feel like it's just common courtesy to play stuff that's at least kinda chill and could be background music in a shared space?"
"Instead of like the most intense or weird song from every genre possible."
"But on the other hand, I kinda got the impression she doesn't love my music either and just never said anything until I did."
"AITA for asking my girlfriend to put something more normal on?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA. Cleaner picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole." ~ RetroBibliotecaria
"Mine would have him spinning."
"I alternate video game parody music with theological debates, Broadway showtunes, reddit readings, and Distractible." ~ RazzRedcrest
"Same. I have about 60 days or more with of songs on just my playlist."
"I have more songs, but some are more my S[ignificant] O[ther]s taste than mine."
"I load it all up and hit shuffle."
"I can go from Animaniacs to Mozart to Brad Paisley to Metallica to Riverdance to Weird Al to New Kids on the Block to Elvis to Avenue Q to Linkin Park in one go."
"I love shuffle, you never know what you're gonna get!" ~ aynber
"My late husband would call my transitions 'train wrecks.'"
"Our children grew up with such an eclectic range of music, from Alice Cooper to Xzibit."
"Hearing what they choose to listen to warms my heart."
"YTA, OP. Let people enjoy life." ~ LadyHavoc97
"Same here. I have devotional songs, hindustani classical, western classical, native language songs, gangster rap, 90s pop and dinky weird Bollywood pop in one playlist."
"I love them all. YTA OP." ~ Radkeyoo
"I could understand if he genuinely didn't like the music (blue grass makes my skin crawl, techno gives me a headache)."
"But he doesn't dislike the music."
"Just the order it's played in."
"He needs to Get over that. YTA." ~ StrangledInMoonlight
"Exactly. The G[irl]F[riend] was cleaning the house while the only thing OP was contributing was complaints."
"OP, music is very subjective."
"I find it 'unhinged' that you think the only 'normal' way to enjoy music is to listen to the same albums over and over and over and over again."
"Also, you sound annoying AF since you kept picking and picking and picking at your GF."
"The fact that your GF was cleaning but you chose to spend your time obsessing over her music choices and writing down every track to critique her also sounds 'unhinged.'"
"Why not help her clean since you clearly had nothing else better to do?" ~ Electrical-Date-3951
"No, YTA here."
"She has eclectic musical tastes, nothing wrong with that."
"And she expressed it was helpful for her doing chores and energy FOR YOUR SHARED SPACE."
"Don't be insulting about it." ~ WholeAd2742
"YTA. Dude, have you ever listened to the radio in the car - most channels will play an eclectic list."
"Who the hell cares if the playlist is a bunch of unrelated songs strung together."
"Music does not have to be listened to as one solid unit or one solid genre."
"If you get to enjoy whatever music you want then she has the same right."
"Don't dictate what other people are allowed to listen to in a shared space."
"She has just as much right to the sound system as you do." ~ Suspicious_Lemon9960
"I'm gonna say this once so listen."
"If she needs that music to motivate her to clean, then leave her alone."
"And when she's done cleaning, tell her how good the place looks and that you appreciate her."
"If you can't do that, then YTA." ~ Lina_485
"YTA. She enjoys different music than you do, and she doesn't give you s**t when your bands are on."
"Who said that it's common courtesy to play background music?"
"Some people really don't like chill background music, and your GF wanted to listen to something that helped her get in the zone to be productive."
"Chill background music doesn't do that for some people." ~ johnnydaboss123
"YTA for sure."
"Wtf is is a 'normal' music taste?"
"It's all subjective and what one person likes could be hated by the next."
"You have no right to tell others that they have 'weird' or 'chaotic' tastes when yours are likely just as said adjectives."
"Y'all could just put in earbuds/earplugs or whatever if it's that bothersome." ~ savage_Atlas
"Earbuds... exactly!"
"YTA, because you can you can have a mature conversation about when and where and what music is played in the shared spaces and come to an agreement that works for everyone without making it an insult."
"You can even say that you don't like the playlist because it is distracting when it switches genres so often without being insulting to her."
"But if you get to veto her choices or relegate them to earbuds she gets to do the same to you." ~ the_mysterious_she
"YTA. Post your garbage music taste so we can roast your preferences, too." ~ Slyvester121
"YTA but I have a suggestion: why don't you take over all the chores?"
"That way you won't have to listen to your gf's playlists while she's cleaning."
"Seriously, there is no violation involved when people mix genres of music."
"You might need to loosen up a bit." ~ ParsimoniousSalad
"Neurodivergent brain here, and music in the background is a big deal for me."
"So I really get it if the music being played doesn't work for you."
"But what is also never going to work for you is trying to get it changed by making fun of the music and therefore the person playing the music."
"And honestly, that's what you were doing. You didn't like her music and you made it abundantly clear."
"And you're probably right, she doesn't like your music, but she wasn't rude about it."
"If it's genuinely bothering you (and there are lots of reasons that could be the case) then you both need to come up with a considerate and non-judgemental compromise that works for you both."
"A usual compromise is headphones."
"But that has to be for both of you, not just one of you."
"It's not fair if one person gets to listen to it out loud if it bothers the other person."
"Also, you didn't try to understand her groupings and what made them work for her."
"She probably would have loved if you at least were curious and interested instead of dismissive and judgemental."
"YTA... but there's still time to fix things, apologize for the way you handled it, and talk to her about a way for you both to enjoy your own music tastes without it being a problem."
"And straight up ask her if she was 'putting up' with yours and just being kind and not saying anything."
"And then if she was, thank her for doing what you failed to do and promise to be kinder to her in the future." ~ Calemonium
Well OP Reddit isn't with you here.
It maybe time for you to expand your musical horizons.
People like what they like.
Just like you like what you like.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp