Not every parent gets to have a partner.
Some have to fly solo.
That's why so many couples appreciate the blessing of having a co-parent with whom they can be in the trenches.
But sadly for some parents, even with a partner, they often feel like they're still parenting alone.
That's why many say raising kids isn't for the faint of heart.
Redditor Zobug6_ wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for interrupting my husband's 'free time' because I'm sick?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (24 F[emale]) am pregnant with my second child."
"My husband (25 M[ale]) wasn't the most understanding of pregnancy last time and basically thought I was being 'dramatic' until I started showing, at which point he was very supportive."
"This seems to be happening again."
"He has been helping out with our toddler a lot at night, and I'm supposed to then take the toddler when he's up at 6 am to let husband sleep in."
"This has happened with varying success because our toddler is loud."
"Last night, my husband went to bed at 9:30 pm, and our toddler slept till 4:45 am. When my husband got up to settle him, my husband went back to sleep till around 7:45."
"Tensions were already running high because my husband continued to be 'off the clock' but stayed in the dining room. This meant our toddler was running up to Dad every 30 seconds."
"I was trying to make everyone food but was repeatedly being called over to distract my toddler away from my husband."
"I finally told him if he wanted to have free time, he needed to go into the bedroom and shut the door."
"He did so after some grumbling that he should be allowed to enjoy time wherever he wants in his home."
"But it seemed like he was fine after I brought him breakfast in bed."
"I continued to clean and take care of our toddler while getting sicker and sicker."
"I had to interrupt my husband for a minute to watch our toddler while I puked."
"Then he went back to the room when I was done."
"At 9:45 am, I had to interrupt him again cause I was sick."
"At this point, husband was very upset."
"He says I shouldn't be 'offering' him free time and then interrupting him repeatedly."
"I feel I really did try my best to give him free time, but I can't control when I'm sick."
"I've tried to just bring our toddler with me, but he will just open the door and run away while I'm puking."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for interrupting my husband?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"This enrages me."
"It's disgusting behavior."
"Unless he has a drastic change in perspective and personality, it will always be like this."
"Being alone has to be better than being with someone so selfish."
"Get therapy together or get out."
"This is the rest of your life." ~ Right-Pie5502
"NTA, so obviously NTA."
"When you got married, did you exchange a set of vows that said 'in sickness and in health,' or some variant thereof?"
"Because this sort of situation is what those vows mean."
"Your husband is your husband for all times and all seasons."
"Not just when he actively chooses to be on 'husband duty.'"
"That man is the father of your child at times and all seasons."
"Not just when he actively chooses to be on 'daddy duty.'"
"Toddlers are a handful."
"They require a lot of care."
"He knew that before you had a child."
"You are ill, so he needs to look after his own flesh and blood."
"Would you step up for him if he was ill?"
"Why can't he step up for you?" ~ crazyheather345
"Yeah, stories like these just make me sad for the wives involved."
"Earlier this year I had a bad cough that got worse at night."
"For some reason, it seemed to help if I slept on the couch, and also, I didn't worry about waking up my husband. Every night I'd get in bed, and then start coughing, and then schlep myself to the couch."
"My husband kept offering to go sleep on the couch so I could have the bed. I turned him down each time because, for some reason, sleeping in the living room genuinely seemed to help."
"He felt bad that he couldn't do something to help."
"When one of us is sick, the other one steps up to take care of things."
"I just can't imagine being partnered with someone who sees your illness as an inconvenience to them." ~ ThisTooWillEnd
"This is totally true."
"It's always bothered most of my exes when I've said, 'I never had the plan of doing the whole marriage thing and having a family, but I do know I want to be a mother more than anything.'"
"I wasn't against it, and I'm still not, but my want to be a mother is and always was way stronger than wanting to be a wife or really even a G[irl]F[riend]."
"I can live without a man. I don't think I could've lived without being a mother, and now that I am, I'm content for it to just be us."
"But, sometimes love does crazy things to people, and no matter how sh*tty their S[ignificant] O[ther] is, they're not going to leave."
"Hopefully OP will do some thinking before their relationship imprints negatively on their children."
"Raising their boys to think it's acceptable to just take time off from being a parent, push most of the work off on mom because they came out of her, so ultimately she's the one that's got to shoulder the responsibility."
"And teaching their girls, 'that's just the way life is' when most good parents aren't raising their kids like that anymore for a reason." ~ Ok_Difficulty_8203
"It's not even about stepping up because she's 'ill'/pregnant."
"She says she's trying to make food for everyone, yet her lovely husband is calling her away to distract the toddler away from him."
"Like, sure there's multitasking."
"But depending on what she was making food-wise really determines if it's safe for her to be watching/distracting the toddler at the same time."
"That was a moment where lovely husband should have realized that 'his time' was on hold and he needed to be present unless he didn't care about his own food."
"Then it just went downhill from there."
"Husband sucks. NTA." ~ TrickSea_239
"She should just vomit on him next time."
"OP is absolutely NTA and should consider couples therapy if she wants to even have a chance at being in an equitable partnership."
"Otherwise I'd kick his a** to the curb." ~ Junkalanche
"Girl, why did you have another baby with this guy after he already treated you like sh**t while you were pregnant with the first one?"
"Don't get it twisted - huffing and accusing you of being dramatic and not supporting and caring for you whilst sick due to carrying his child, no matter how showing, is treating you like s**t."
"NTA he sucks." ~ burnt-heterodoxy
"NTA and the subtle language and actions here make it sound like there is already an inherent imbalance in your relationship."
"Your husband doesn't 'help out' with his own kids."
"That's called just... parenting."
"I notice you are also the one cooking, the one cleaning up after the toddler, the one expected to do such duties and also manage yourself, the house, the kids... while the husband relaxes and is occasionally given duties to 'help' you."
"This isn't how a partnership should work."
"It should be more organic and equitable, and he should have more compassion and sympathy and be willing to take on more load without asking when you are sick."
"Your husband is a major AH." ~ Mobile_Following_198
"NTA he's a full-time dad and husband, thems the breaks."
"He was the AH well before we even got to you being sick."
"He was miffed at you for struggling to cook food for the family and entertain the toddler at the same time?"
"Frankly it sounds like like you have two toddlers." ~ D20IsHowIRoll
"NTA, but he has a point."
"With a toddler and pregnancy, you really shouldn't be offering him free time."
"So just listen to him, from now on, no more free time."
"He should be with both of you at all times, in case you have to throw up."
"And it's much safer for 1 parent to be cooking and the other to be watching the kid (and also so much more logical)."
"Also, I want you to take a step back and think of the bizarreness that you would rather have your toddler watching you puke than your husband who's 30 seconds away looking after your toddler for a couple of minutes." ~ Low_Traffic_1835
"NTA. Being a husband and father isn't a job. It doesn't come with 'off-duty' hours and weekends away."
"It's called being a partner and parenting."
"Honestly - it was a red flag during the first pregnancy when he thought you were being dramatic instead of having morning sickness, a well-documented part of pregnancy in the first trimester for a lot of people."
"If he feels the need to divide up the hours of the day and the duties of parenting a child to this degree even while married you might as well go for the divorce and just turn it into the custody arrangement."
"Get the child support and move on and find a partner who gives a f**k about you and your kids and not just himself." ~ BusyIzy83
"NTA. Husband got 7 hours of straight sleep, then 3 more straight hours, and then thinks he's entitled to sit around like a bump on a log while you run around ragged, pregnant, and ill?"
"Serving him F**KING BREAKFAST IN BED LIKE HE'S A KING? F**K NO!!"
"Tell that man he's a parent and husband and has adult responsibilities now."
"He's not one of the toddlers." ~ dstarpro
"NTA. This is exactly what sets many couples on the fast path to divorce."
"A friend of mine left her husband last year for very similar reasons."
"Men like this need to grow up and realize they are full-time parents and partners, not just there to 'help out' when it suits them." ~ Carma56
"Bloody hell."
"I was once half dead on the couch with a migraine."
"My flatmate brought me a bottle of water, called our landlord to reschedule the house inspection we were meant to be cleaning for, and turned off the lights."
"Thus did affect their plans, but they did it."
"My flatmate, not a person I'm married to, sleeping with, or parenting children with."
"Your husband can't even watch your shared children while you puke... NTA." ~ Fine-for-now
"NTA. This is only going to get much worse when the second baby arrives."
"You two need counseling."
"Being a parent is a full-time job, and he doesn't just get to clock out."
"Sure, each parent deserves free time, but if you're sick, he really needs to step it up."
"He is selfish and coming from a mom of two who is in the middle of divorcing a narcissist, it doesn't get any better." ~ liftlovelive
"NTA He can have free time in 18 years when the kids are grown; until then, he has to be a parent."
"You should not have had a second child with a man who is this incompetent." ~ International-Fee255
"NTAH, tell him you want to do marriage counseling because, in his view, he isn't obligated to parent when you're sick or cooking or other times you're tied up."
"And that you feel if you need to parent full time, that you thought he'd parent or assist you as a spouse."
"So you want to carve out personal time for both of you that respects things like illness." ~ julesk
"NTA- Sometimes being a parent trumps my time."
"You were throwing up. You don't get a break from being pregnant, so unfortunately for him, sometimes his me time is going to have to take a backseat to his second child making itself known."
"Ask him to take over the pregnancy for a bit so you can have some me time too." ~ Tired_Mama3018
"Vomit in his lap. Maybe then he'll get it."
"NTA but your husband is." ~ WiccanPixxie
Reddit is concerned about your husband's behavior, OP.
There is no "off-the-clock" parenting.
Your husband needs to step up... PRONTO!
You have every right to demand his help.
You may want to talk to a therapist together. They can help him understand.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp