Sometimes it feels like having roommates is becoming more and more of a necessity in life these days.
So people are making the best of the situation.
However, a situation with a roommate can be stressful.
That's why ground rules tend to be a good idea upfront.
Especially when it comes to overnight visitors.
Redditor YesIreallyDontCare wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for objecting to my roommate having guests stay overnight for 5 days?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I live in 3 bedroom house with three roommates, and we are all in the Navy."
"One of the guys has had his fiancée living with us for the past week, and he also dropped on me today, saying that he is having his Mom and two sisters (19 F[emale] and 7 F[emale]) coming into town."
"I said, Cool, where are they staying?' he replied that they were staying at our house on the pullout bed in the living room."
"I obviously objected to this because our house isn't that big, the living room is connected to the kitchen, and because we are in the Navy, we are up and about at 6 AM, which means we would cause a stir."
"It also means I won't be able to wind down at the end of the day and watch TV in the living room."
"I then suggested they stay at the Navy Lodge, which is FAR cheaper than places out in town, and he brushed off my idea and said, 'Well, they are to see me.'"
"It's frustrating how someone can be such a cheap a** (especially since he's an officer), stubborn, and inconsiderate."
"I told him I wasn't ok with this arrangement, and then we got into a fuss, and he thought I was the one being unreasonable."
"What do you think?"
"Any ideas on how to delicately approach this?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. He didn't ask you."
"He TOLD you."
"This alone would make an automatic no from me."
"I don't give a f**k if he traveled from Antarctica. He has no right to impose and inconvenience his roommates."
"If he wants to spend time with his family, he can share a suite with them in a hotel."
"Taking over a shared space for 5 days is rude."
'You can't be delicate with entitled a**holes."
"No means no."
"Even a dog understands the word no."
"Are you an officer?"
"Will he retaliate against you?"
"If so you may have to deal with it." ~ Unicornfarts68
"If his objection to the Navy Lodge is that he wants to stay with them, then he can get an adjoining room for himself there. Problem solved."
"You need to let him know that his family will have no privacy and you will continue to use the living room for its intended purpose while they are there."
"Whatever you use the living room for - given you're in the Navy, I assume that means jazzercize or interpretive modern dance or possibly competitive quilting." ~ Boeing367-80
"So what if they're here to see him?"
"He's being inconsiderate. "
"I'm pretty sure them girls don't wanna sleep in the same bed as their mom."
"You're NTA." ~ pinky2184
"Definitely! Not only is he an awful roommate for doing this, but he is also a total d**k to his family, subjecting his mum, teen sister, and little girl sister to this super uncomfortable living arrangement on a couch with strange men (no offense OP) wandering in and out."
"I would not do any of the wanderings around half naked or watching inappropriate TV that has been suggested, out of respect to the poor guests and caution that you get reported for something."
"But I would make it abundantly clear to them what you think of your roommate being such an inconsiderate cheap skate to the women in his family." ~ perusalandtea
"NTA. Be petty. Come home from work and plop on the sofa and click on the TV."
"Be in and out of the common living spaces all dang night."
'Get a glass of water."
'Open the fridge and stare aimlessly into it."
"Riffle through the junk drawer."
"Get a glass of water in the middle of the night in your underwear."
"Pretend to stub your toe in the dark."
"In the morning open and close cupboard doors."
"Run the water."
"Turn on the dishwasher."
"Riffle through that junk drawer again."
"You get the drift."
"Speak to the family."
"Express your 'surprise' that your roommate didn't pay for them to stay at the Navy Lodge."
"Honestly, you are under no obligation to play host to these people." ~ PurpleStar1965
"Wow. Mom and 2 teenage sisters, all staying on a pull-out?"
"Being subjected to two strange men going into and out of the bathroom in maybe nothing but a towel?"
"And just where are you supposed to spend your off time, stuck in your room?"
"Tell the f**ker he needs to open his wallet and either put up Mom and the kids in the visitor hostel or pay for you and roomier to kip elsewhere."
"Make sure he knows that when you are not home, your bedroom door will be locked."
"And go get a lock and install it." ~ Broken-Druid
"NTA. Even if you can't stop him, don't change your schedule."
"Of course, you get up at 6 am."
"Of course, you make your normal breakfast."
"Of course you watch your evening show."
"Still NTA." ~ SushiGuacDNA
"NTA. It's one thing for him to ask whether it's ok for them to stay, and another thing to insist."
"If the fiancée ends up staying there full time, then it's time to recalculate how the household expenses are calculated."
"And in the case of the family, assuming that someone's whole family can stay in your house when you share it with multiple roommates is beyond absurd."
"Any roommate should have full veto power over that situation."
"Since it sounds like he's not backing down, he should be paying your rent for that time, since he's treating the house like it's all his." ~ Bee-hole99
"NTA, Just because he's a roomie doesn't mean he can tell you or the other roommate what to do."
"Even if he outranks you he couldn't tell you."
"Personally if he wants to play this game of being bossy."
"Throw a party, I mean it."
"Send an email to your fellow officers and hit up the girls at the Officers club as well."
"Make him, his mom, and sister uncomfortable."
"Now the icing on the cake is if you have a garage with the cars parked out and put the sofa and chairs there."
"Gift your neighbors ahead of time as well some decent bottle of wine or hard liquor."
"NTA. There is no way to delicately approach this."
"The only thing you can do is not change your schedule."
"If you want to use the living room at night do so."
"As he said they are here to see him so they aren't considered your guests so you don't have to treat them as if they are."
"Get a lock on your bedroom."
"He is allowing too many unknown people into your apartment." ~ wlfwrtr
"NTA. If you live with other people, you don't get to decide on your own to have guests over that will be sleeping in the shared spaces."
"And even if it's just a partner who sleeps in the housemate's own room when they are staying more than a few nights, it should still be asked/discussed with the housemates beforehand."
"I'd tell him that if he wants to unilaterally decide to have people stay over in the lounge etc, that he should move out and get his own place."
"If these people are staying over, do NOT change your daily routine or lifestyle for them."
"If you need to get up by 5 AM to have breakfast, do it."
"If you want to watch TV in the lounge after work, do it."
"If they've left the sofa out as a bed, ask them to remove their bedding and put the sofa back into sofa position."
"Who owns the house?"
"Might be time to talk to the landlord about this guy." ~ wandering_salad
"NTA. 3 more people is a lot of disruption, especially if they sleep in the living room."
"This isn't a hotel, your roommate should arrange for them to sleep elsewhere - common areas aren't made for that."
"Of course, they can't all sleep in his own room, so they should stay elsewhere." ~ PandaCotton
"NTA. There are already enough people crammed into that house."
"Asking for two more would just be absurd in my opinion."
"Not to mention, as others have stated, he didn't even ask you."
"He should have sat you down and talked to you about it first."
"There are these things called communication and respect and, unbeknownst to some people, they are very important when it comes to a shared household."
"Sounds to me like he has been taking your kindness for weakness."
"Good for you for putting your foot down."
"Next thing you know, he will be offering your bedroom up." ~ Marandajo93
"NTA. How do the other roommates feel about it?"
"It's pretty inconsiderate of him all the way around, to be honest."
"You all have to shift your lives around and walk on eggshells, and then his mom and sister have to be slapped right in the middle of a house full of guys." ~ Appropriate_Piece_96
"NTA. You and your other roommate need to sit the cheap-a** roommate down and tell them that having people stay in your shared home for more than overnight isn't cool."
"And having 3 people take up your living room is absolutely a non-starter." ~ dublos
"NTA. This sounds pretty on-brand for some new officers I met in my time."
"Tell him to go stay in a hotel with them... since they're here for him." ~ Bittybellie
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Your roommate should've asked first.
This sounds like an uncomfortable situation for everyone involved.
Maybe a chat with your other roommates will be helpful.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp