The decision to become a parent shouldn't be taken lightly. It's a lifelong commitment that will irrevocably change the person's lifestyle.
If a person isn't up for the task, they shouldn't take it on.
A wife who thought she and her husband were on the same page about parenthood turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Foreign-Ostrich8937 asked:
"AITA for asking my husband to cancel his 'bro's only' trip to help me with our newborn after he promised he would?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"This situation has caused a lot of tension between my husband and me, and now I'm questioning whether I'm being unreasonable."
"I (30, female) gave birth to our first child, Olivia, two months ago. Being a first-time mom has been both beautiful and overwhelming."
"My husband, Jake (32, male), was incredibly supportive during the pregnancy and promised that after Olivia was born, he would be there for me every step of the way, especially during those challenging first few months."
"Before Olivia was born, Jake and his friends had been planning a 'bro's only' trip for this summer—a week-long vacation to a cabin in the mountains for hiking, fishing, and bonding."
"When the trip was being discussed, I reminded Jake that Olivia would only be a few months old, and we would be deep in the newborn phase. He reassured me that if things got too tough, he would cancel the trip to help me out, and I trusted him."
"Now that Olivia is here, things have been harder than I anticipated. Between the sleepless nights, breastfeeding struggles, and just trying to adjust to motherhood, I've been feeling overwhelmed."
"Jake has been helpful, but I can tell he's excited about this trip, which is coming up next month."
"Last week, I asked Jake if he could consider canceling the trip, reminding him of his promise. I told him that I'm struggling and that having him gone for a whole week would be really tough on me."
"He seemed surprised and a bit hurt that I was asking him to cancel. He said he's been looking forward to this trip for months, and that he needs a break, too."
"He also pointed out that his parents live nearby and could help if I needed support while he was away."
"I understand that Jake needs a break and wants to spend time with his friends, but I can't help feeling like this is a time when I really need him by my side. I tried to explain that while I appreciate his parents' help, it's not the same as having him here."
"Jake said that I'm being unfair by asking him to cancel the trip after all the planning that went into it and that I need to trust him to make sure I'm supported even if he's not physically there."
"Now, we're at a bit of a standoff."
"Some of my friends think I should let him go, saying that it's important for him to have some time away, especially after all the stress of becoming a new dad. But others agree that it's too soon for him to take off for a week, and that he should prioritize being home with me and Olivia."
"So AITA for asking my husband to cancel his 'bro's only' trip to help me with our newborn after he promised he would?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I believe I might be the a**hole because I'm asking my husband to cancel a trip he's been looking forward to for months, despite the fact that he's been supportive and offered alternative help from his parents."
"I'm worried that by asking him to stay, I might be prioritizing my own struggles over his need for a break and risking resentment in our relationship."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was absolutely not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. He agreed he would cancel it until he was actually held to his word. Planning a trip with his friends a few months after your due date was truly spectacularly poor judgment in the first place."
"He is a dad now. He's not your helper. He should be pulling his own weight and he should know by now that this is a bad idea."
"No, his parents living nearby does not make up for it, and no, it is not reasonable for him to expect you to trust him to 'make sure you're supported even though he's not physically there'. This is his baby, too."
"He should be physically there, not just supporting you, but taking care of his own child, who I must assume you are still recovering from carrying and giving birth to."
"You are not being unfair. He is being …a liar? What do we call people who say they'll do something and then pitch a fit when you expect them to actually do it?" ~ dryadduinath
"Why plan a trip when you know there's going to be a newborn in the house? Just seems irresponsible and immature overall. NTA."
"And sure, I get that OP's in-laws are around, but the first months of parenting are all about finding your groove as a parent and getting over the first few dozen freak-outs. OP made it clear she needs her husband and he totally blew her off." ~ Mukeli1584
"Why plan the trip? Because he had no intention of ever canceling. NTA, OP." ~ 123FakeStreetAnytown
"Why plan a trip when you know there's going to be a newborn in the house? Because he wanted to shirk responsibility!" ~ Vivid_Tea6466
"Yeah, it was straight-up stupid to think he could go away for a full week for fun with the boys when his wife is home alone with a 2-month-old, especially given it's their first, so there's a learning curve there."
"But the fact that he got her to agree to this trip on the proviso he cancels if she's not comfortable and then he wouldn't cancel makes it very, very clear to me he was just saying what he needed to get his way."
"It could have been him just being clueless about how it is when there's a newborn baby, but it's clear it's not. This is him not caring about the work his wife is putting in to care for their baby."
"I have zero to no faith that if he was left alone with the baby for even a night, he would be able to manage it." ~ haleorshine
"Also, boobs hanging out, baby vomit, days without a shower, mommy and baby crying from exhaustion at the same time… I wouldn't want to be that raw and vulnerable in front of my in-laws." ~ Tightsandals
The OP later added:
"I just wanted to give a quick update after reading most of the replies."
"I was honestly overwhelmed by the support and understanding I received—thank you so much to everyone who took the time to respond. Your kind words and thoughtful advice really helped me feel less alone in this situation."
"A lot of you suggested that I should also take a week off, letting Jake stay with Olivia, to get a break for myself. I really appreciate the sentiment behind that suggestion, but there are a couple of reasons why it's not realistic for me right now."
"First of all, I'm breastfeeding, so being away from Olivia for that long would be really difficult logistically. But beyond that, and I know I need to work on this, I just don't feel comfortable being away from my baby yet."
"I know it's not healthy to feel like I can't have her out of my sight, but I can't help it. I guess it's just that new mom anxiety that's really hard to shake."
"I've been debating whether or not to show Jake this thread. I'm worried that reading it might hurt his feelings, but I'm definitely going to have another conversation with him about everything."
"I'm willing to compromise and let him go on the trip, but I think a whole week is just too much. I'm leaning towards suggesting that he limit the trip to a maximum of three nights, so he can still have some time away with his friends but not be gone for an entire week."
"I'll update again after we've talked. Thanks again for all the support, everyone. It really means a lot to me."
OP then provided an update after speaking with her husband.
"Hey, everyone. I just wanted to share another update after having a very long and emotional talk with Jake. I won't get into every detail of our conversation, but I'll touch on the most important points."
"After putting Olivia to bed, I went straight to bed myself, feeling utterly exhausted. Jake was already asleep, but for some reason, the weight of everything just hit me all at once, and I started crying uncontrollably."
"My sobbing woke Jake up, and he immediately asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was just tired, but then I opened up about how anxious I'd been feeling about his trip and being left alone with Olivia."
"I admitted something I've been reluctant to say out loud—that Jake hasn't been as involved as I thought he would be. This was one of my biggest fears when we found out we were having a baby."
"For context, Jake has a rocky relationship with his own dad. I won't go into detail about why his dad isn't the best, but his mom (my mother-in-law) remarried when Jake was in middle school, and his dad wasn't very present in his life."
"Jake has expressed to me before that becoming a father was scary for him because he's afraid of being a bad one, just like his dad. When he first told me that, I thought it would make him into a great father, because it showed how much he cared about being a good dad long before we were even pregnant."
"When I vented to him about all of this, at first, he tried to defend himself. He admitted that he's been freaking out about having a baby for so long and just didn't want to tell me."
"He said he didn't want to stress me out while I was pregnant because he knows how much I've always wanted to be a mother. Hearing him say that made me feel guilty like I hadn't seen how much he's been struggling internally."
"I had tried to convince him that he was going to be a great dad when we had this conversation long ago, and now it all felt more complicated.
"I thought to myself, 'This can't go on much longer'. I realized that if he was going to keep pulling away like this, I didn't know if I could handle it."
"So I asked him, 'Is this what our life is going to look like from now on? Me with Olivia, and you away? Because if it is, Jake, then I don't think I can continue on like this'."
"Jake told me to calm down and assured me that he wasn't going anywhere. Then he got really emotional—he even started to tear up."
"He said he didn't want to turn into his dad and that he hadn't realized that going on this trip could be a preliminary step toward becoming the absentee father he feared he might be. He apologized for not considering me and Olivia as much as he should have."
"Long story short, Jake called his friends and told them he wouldn't be able to make the trip. He's even started planning a little family getaway for the three of us next year when Olivia is a bit older."
"It was a tough conversation, but I feel like we're on the same page now, and I'm hopeful that things will get better from here."
"Thanks again to everyone for your support and advice. It's been an emotional rollercoaster, but I'm grateful for this community helping me navigate it."
People didn't have high hopes for this relationship based on the original situation.
But with open and honest communication, the future is much brighter for this family.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp