The decision to become a parent shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s a lifelong commitment that will irrevocably change the person’s lifestyle.
If a person isn’t up for the task, they shouldn’t take it on.
A wife who thought she and her husband were on the same page about parenthood turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Foreign-Ostrich8937 asked:
“AITA for asking my husband to cancel his ‘bro’s only’ trip to help me with our newborn after he promised he would?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“This situation has caused a lot of tension between my husband and me, and now I’m questioning whether I’m being unreasonable.”
“I (30, female) gave birth to our first child, Olivia, two months ago. Being a first-time mom has been both beautiful and overwhelming.”
“My husband, Jake (32, male), was incredibly supportive during the pregnancy and promised that after Olivia was born, he would be there for me every step of the way, especially during those challenging first few months.”
“Before Olivia was born, Jake and his friends had been planning a ‘bro’s only’ trip for this summer—a week-long vacation to a cabin in the mountains for hiking, fishing, and bonding.”
“When the trip was being discussed, I reminded Jake that Olivia would only be a few months old, and we would be deep in the newborn phase. He reassured me that if things got too tough, he would cancel the trip to help me out, and I trusted him.”
“Now that Olivia is here, things have been harder than I anticipated. Between the sleepless nights, breastfeeding struggles, and just trying to adjust to motherhood, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed.”
“Jake has been helpful, but I can tell he’s excited about this trip, which is coming up next month.”
“Last week, I asked Jake if he could consider canceling the trip, reminding him of his promise. I told him that I’m struggling and that having him gone for a whole week would be really tough on me.”
“He seemed surprised and a bit hurt that I was asking him to cancel. He said he’s been looking forward to this trip for months, and that he needs a break, too.”
“He also pointed out that his parents live nearby and could help if I needed support while he was away.”
“I understand that Jake needs a break and wants to spend time with his friends, but I can’t help feeling like this is a time when I really need him by my side. I tried to explain that while I appreciate his parents’ help, it’s not the same as having him here.”
“Jake said that I’m being unfair by asking him to cancel the trip after all the planning that went into it and that I need to trust him to make sure I’m supported even if he’s not physically there.”
“Now, we’re at a bit of a standoff.”
“Some of my friends think I should let him go, saying that it’s important for him to have some time away, especially after all the stress of becoming a new dad. But others agree that it’s too soon for him to take off for a week, and that he should prioritize being home with me and Olivia.”
“So AITA for asking my husband to cancel his ‘bro’s only’ trip to help me with our newborn after he promised he would?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I believe I might be the a**hole because I’m asking my husband to cancel a trip he’s been looking forward to for months, despite the fact that he’s been supportive and offered alternative help from his parents.”
“I’m worried that by asking him to stay, I might be prioritizing my own struggles over his need for a break and risking resentment in our relationship.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was absolutely not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. He agreed he would cancel it until he was actually held to his word. Planning a trip with his friends a few months after your due date was truly spectacularly poor judgment in the first place.”
“He is a dad now. He’s not your helper. He should be pulling his own weight and he should know by now that this is a bad idea.”
“No, his parents living nearby does not make up for it, and no, it is not reasonable for him to expect you to trust him to ‘make sure you’re supported even though he’s not physically there’. This is his baby, too.”
“He should be physically there, not just supporting you, but taking care of his own child, who I must assume you are still recovering from carrying and giving birth to.”
“You are not being unfair. He is being …a liar? What do we call people who say they’ll do something and then pitch a fit when you expect them to actually do it?” ~ dryadduinath
“Why plan a trip when you know there’s going to be a newborn in the house? Just seems irresponsible and immature overall. NTA.”
“And sure, I get that OP’s in-laws are around, but the first months of parenting are all about finding your groove as a parent and getting over the first few dozen freak-outs. OP made it clear she needs her husband and he totally blew her off.” ~ Mukeli1584
“Why plan the trip? Because he had no intention of ever canceling. NTA, OP.” ~ 123FakeStreetAnytown
“Why plan a trip when you know there’s going to be a newborn in the house? Because he wanted to shirk responsibility!” ~ Vivid_Tea6466
“Yeah, it was straight-up stupid to think he could go away for a full week for fun with the boys when his wife is home alone with a 2-month-old, especially given it’s their first, so there’s a learning curve there.”
“But the fact that he got her to agree to this trip on the proviso he cancels if she’s not comfortable and then he wouldn’t cancel makes it very, very clear to me he was just saying what he needed to get his way.”
“It could have been him just being clueless about how it is when there’s a newborn baby, but it’s clear it’s not. This is him not caring about the work his wife is putting in to care for their baby.”
“I have zero to no faith that if he was left alone with the baby for even a night, he would be able to manage it.” ~ haleorshine
“Also, boobs hanging out, baby vomit, days without a shower, mommy and baby crying from exhaustion at the same time… I wouldn’t want to be that raw and vulnerable in front of my in-laws.” ~ Tightsandals
The OP later added:
“I just wanted to give a quick update after reading most of the replies.”
“I was honestly overwhelmed by the support and understanding I received—thank you so much to everyone who took the time to respond. Your kind words and thoughtful advice really helped me feel less alone in this situation.”
“A lot of you suggested that I should also take a week off, letting Jake stay with Olivia, to get a break for myself. I really appreciate the sentiment behind that suggestion, but there are a couple of reasons why it’s not realistic for me right now.”
“First of all, I’m breastfeeding, so being away from Olivia for that long would be really difficult logistically. But beyond that, and I know I need to work on this, I just don’t feel comfortable being away from my baby yet.”
“I know it’s not healthy to feel like I can’t have her out of my sight, but I can’t help it. I guess it’s just that new mom anxiety that’s really hard to shake.”
“I’ve been debating whether or not to show Jake this thread. I’m worried that reading it might hurt his feelings, but I’m definitely going to have another conversation with him about everything.”
“I’m willing to compromise and let him go on the trip, but I think a whole week is just too much. I’m leaning towards suggesting that he limit the trip to a maximum of three nights, so he can still have some time away with his friends but not be gone for an entire week.”
“I’ll update again after we’ve talked. Thanks again for all the support, everyone. It really means a lot to me.”
OP then provided an update after speaking with her husband.
“Hey, everyone. I just wanted to share another update after having a very long and emotional talk with Jake. I won’t get into every detail of our conversation, but I’ll touch on the most important points.”
“After putting Olivia to bed, I went straight to bed myself, feeling utterly exhausted. Jake was already asleep, but for some reason, the weight of everything just hit me all at once, and I started crying uncontrollably.”
“My sobbing woke Jake up, and he immediately asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was just tired, but then I opened up about how anxious I’d been feeling about his trip and being left alone with Olivia.”
“I admitted something I’ve been reluctant to say out loud—that Jake hasn’t been as involved as I thought he would be. This was one of my biggest fears when we found out we were having a baby.”
“For context, Jake has a rocky relationship with his own dad. I won’t go into detail about why his dad isn’t the best, but his mom (my mother-in-law) remarried when Jake was in middle school, and his dad wasn’t very present in his life.”
“Jake has expressed to me before that becoming a father was scary for him because he’s afraid of being a bad one, just like his dad. When he first told me that, I thought it would make him into a great father, because it showed how much he cared about being a good dad long before we were even pregnant.”
“When I vented to him about all of this, at first, he tried to defend himself. He admitted that he’s been freaking out about having a baby for so long and just didn’t want to tell me.”
“He said he didn’t want to stress me out while I was pregnant because he knows how much I’ve always wanted to be a mother. Hearing him say that made me feel guilty like I hadn’t seen how much he’s been struggling internally.”
“I had tried to convince him that he was going to be a great dad when we had this conversation long ago, and now it all felt more complicated.
“I thought to myself, ‘This can’t go on much longer’. I realized that if he was going to keep pulling away like this, I didn’t know if I could handle it.”
“So I asked him, ‘Is this what our life is going to look like from now on? Me with Olivia, and you away? Because if it is, Jake, then I don’t think I can continue on like this’.”
“Jake told me to calm down and assured me that he wasn’t going anywhere. Then he got really emotional—he even started to tear up.”
“He said he didn’t want to turn into his dad and that he hadn’t realized that going on this trip could be a preliminary step toward becoming the absentee father he feared he might be. He apologized for not considering me and Olivia as much as he should have.”
“Long story short, Jake called his friends and told them he wouldn’t be able to make the trip. He’s even started planning a little family getaway for the three of us next year when Olivia is a bit older.”
“It was a tough conversation, but I feel like we’re on the same page now, and I’m hopeful that things will get better from here.”
“Thanks again to everyone for your support and advice. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster, but I’m grateful for this community helping me navigate it.”
People didn’t have high hopes for this relationship based on the original situation.
But with open and honest communication, the future is much brighter for this family.