Gender identity is no longer a binary in 2023.
However, not everyone is capable of understanding and respecting that sadly.
Redditor modernbaseballfan69 is nonbinary and was preparing for their brother's wedding.
A recent argument between the Original Poster (OP) and the bride and groom led them to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
They asked,
"AITA for refusing to attend my brother's wedding because of the dress code?"
The OP went on to tell their story.
"My brother is getting married in a few months, and his future wife recently asked me to be a part of her bridal party."
"I was thrilled and excited to be included, but then she informed me that the dress code for the bridal party was gender-specific, with women expected to wear dresses and men expected to wear suits."
"As someone who identifies as non-binary and is more masculine presenting, I am uncomfortable with conforming to a gender binary that doesn't accurately represent me."
"I brought this up with my brother and his fiancé, but they insisted that they wanted all their guests to adhere to the dress code, regardless of how it made them feel."
"I ultimately decided that I did not want to attend the wedding, as I did not feel comfortable being pressured to conform to a gender binary that doesn't accurately represent me."
"My brother and his fiancé are now upset with me, accusing me of being difficult and not willing to compromise."
"After a fight with them, I found out they went behind my back and involved my mom."
"She called me yesterday and told me I can put aside my identity for one day to make the day special for my little brother."
"I now feel bad and didn't realize something as small as the clothes I feel comfortable wearing would cause a rift within my family."
"So AITA for refusing to go to the wedding?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"'Put aside my identity for one day'. Uh, no."
"NTA"
"It is fine for them to dictate the formality of the wedding. It is not fine for them to dictate your preferred gender expression."
"A suit that is on the same level of formality as suits others are wearing should be considered just fine." - poeadam
"100% this!!!"
"OP, I'm getting married this year, and we have an NB friend (he/him) who is in the wedding party. Due to our numbers, he will be on the groom's side."
"We had a long discussion about his outfit, and he said he'll wear whatever we want him to, but he wears dresses/skirts on a daily basis and is more comfortable in "feminine" clothing."
"So we settled on a tux jacket and a black floor-length skirt for the formal pictures and the ceremony. He has multiple outfit changes planned for after the ceremony 😂"
"It's 2023 - gender conforming "bridesmaids" and "groomsmen" are no longer the norm!!!"
"If someone wants you in their wedding party, it's expected that they're close enough to know you and your gender identity."
"If they don't accept your identity, then you don't owe them the time/money/responsibilities it takes to be in their wedding." - ziggy_starcat32
"Yep, this is correct."
"I am getting married in a few months. My sister is a bridesmaid, and she prefers to wear men's clothes. So she'll be wearing the same suit as the groomsmen."
"Why would ANYONE ever want another person to be uncomfortable in the clothes they're wearing? For some freaking pictures?"
"Or because some a**hats don't care about other people and will "talk" about it?"
"My fiance and I want my sister to be a part of our day, and I would never want her to feel anything less than like herself during it." - Venssy
"I fail to see how a person in pants is THAT shocking after 1902. NTA" - Disastrous-Assist-90
"I live in an area with a heavy presence of 2 sects of Christianity that don't allow women to wear pants, and I used to work catering events sometimes for weddings at a restaurant."
"The number of times I was asked nicely not to wear makeup... if I could wear a long skirt that fit uniform, and then I would still get dirty looks from the attendees because I had a pixie cut back then...oh and definitely NTA to op" - ToastBusters21
"Even as a guest, being told as a woman I couldn't wear trousers, I refuse to go. How rude." - Randa08
"I was ready to say to OP "Just decline to be in the wedding party; you can still go as a guest." But as the bride and groom are dictating what guests wear, too, this is a solid NTA."
"I am a cisgender midde-aged woman, and dress in pretty feminine clothes when dressed up, but I don't wear dresses."
"They are not the clothes that look best on me - flowy palazzo pants are my go-to."
"I'd totally decline to go to the wedding as a guest if I couldn't wear my regular formal attire! What is wrong with this controlling couple!" - nodumbunny
"NTA 'put your identity aside for one day' clearly your mom isn't as supportive as she seems with who you are." - swagdaddio69
"I'm 100% behind OP not going."
"This is just me personally in my family dynamics. I'm gay. If my family asked it in a nice way, I would find someone to play "girlfriend" for some of my extended family's events."
"When I had a boyfriend, he was just "roommate" or "a friend" at these things (his family was the same, and he had no problem with this)."
"But this was me doing it because I know it wouldn't improve my life one bit to come out to them."
"But if I was told to "put my identity aside for one day" that would make me 180 on things and rock the boat. That's a big enough fuse for me to set that family drama bomb off."
"There's nothing wrong with who I am. Now you're going to have to talk to them instead." - upsidedownbackwards
"NTA"
"Dress codes are things like 'cocktail,' 'black tie,' or 'semi-formal.' They're not 'people we decide are men must wear pants and people we decide are women must wear dresses.'"
"Your brother and his fiancée are being queerphobic, and it's fine to absent yourself from such an event."
"Mom's comment about putting aside your identity for one day is awful. I'm so sorry. Perhaps you could ask her when she was last expected to abandon who she is for a day." - embopbopbopdoowop
"NTA. I wonder how they would feel if you were getting married and told all your cisgender guests to put aside their identity for one day. Would your brother wear a dress because you asked him to?" - BlueRFR3100
"NTA. Your family is being queerphobic freaks."
"You have asked for accommodation, and you were told no."
"You then said, fair enough, then I won't go. You're not showing up in a suit to spite them. You're not dressing in non-binary flag colours."
"You're not crumpling up a pride flag and shoving it down their throats. (Personally, I think you should do all of the above.)"
"They INVITED you, and you said NO. You're allowed to refuse an invitation."
"It also sounds like your mom is uhhhhhh not handling your transition like a supportive parent should, to put it mildly." - Kspsun
"As a fellow queer human, I'm saying NTA."
"I don't feel like the responses you're getting are from people who actually understand the nuance here."
"Their policy is ridiculous, and I'm assuming they made it purposefully exclusionary towards you. Because otherwise, why not say black tie or formal and let everyone do their own thing?"
"F them. Just politely decline." - SnooCakes9110
"NTA. Having a gendered dress code is super tacky." - Korkinator
"'found out they went behind my back and involved my mom. She called me yesterday and told me I can put aside my identity for one day to make the day special for my little brother.'"
"I'm assuming that since your mom called you that you don't live with your parents and are, therefore, an adult."
"Your mom can't tell you what to do. You're not a child. If you don't want to attend, don't attend."
"Your brother and his fiancee (and, by extension, your mother) are more concerned about a strict dress code than your presence at the wedding."
"NTA" - mdthomas
"Sadly, these people do not respect you. Would they ask a vegan to eat animal products because that's what they want on their wedding day!?"
"These wedding-type posts are so aggravating - why do people getting married feel like they can disrespect people and get away with it!?"
"NTA" - thistreestands
A few Redditors did disagree.
"I'm non-binary, and I'm sorry, but gently I think YTA. I've been to a lot of weddings with no gender-specific dress code."
"However, regardless of that, I just hate dressing up. I don't feel like myself in fancy clothes. I'm not comfortable in either a fancy dress or nice pants."
"But I never have refused to go to a wedding of people I care about because of my clothing preferences. I set aside my identity on the superficial level of clothing for one day."
"The fact that you care more about clothes than being there for your family says a lot. It also says a lot about how you view gender - that it is an aesthetic, not a personal internal experience."
"You're still non-binary in a dress. Gender is more than clothing. And being there for people you care about is more important than gender anyway." - ExtremeNuance
Two Redditors offered an interesting compromise the OP seemed kind of into.
"Maybe a Kilt? Won't work for the bridal party unless future SIL is willing to work with you."
"As a butch lesbian, I wear my kilt and full regalia to heterocentric formal events. I still get to be me, and no one is freaked out by pants. Most of the time, people love my kilt and want to talk about it."
"I usually wear a collarless shirt, and my fly or the full Prince Charlie coat with a shirt with ruffles."
People can see feminine, but its all culturally correct, and I get to feel like me and not me in drag." - Rothum90
"Was going to suggest kilt as well. Get yourself a nice rainbow tartan to really mess with their heads! There's even an official LGBT tartan …well, if you're into the whole clan tartan thing."
The OP responded to that suggestion.
"I had no idea about the tartan! Thanks!"
While not everyone agreed on the OP's a**hole status, hopefully their family can learn to truly support them.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.