Sometimes, the truth can hurt.
But more often than not, people need to hear the truth.
Particularly if they find themselves in a situation which puts their health and/or safety at risk.
The step-sister of Redditor New_Needleworker4574 was spiraling down a fairly dangerous path, and asked the original poster (OP) about what the future might have in store for her.
But the OP's step-sister found what they had to say far more hurtful than they did helpful.
Wondering if they had spoken out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for being honest with my stepsister?"
The OP shared how after struggling with ongoing issues regarding her health, their stepsister turned to her for help, but was less than appreciative of what the OP had to say.
"I'm 32."
"My stepsister is 26 and, just because I've known her since she was like 3, I actually view her as a biological sister and we're super close.'
"From the time she was about 16 until now, she's just been adding weight on and adding weight on."
"My dad and her mom have taken her to see doctors and see if it wasn't a pcos or thyroid thing, it wasn't."
"She's been open and honest with everyone that, what happens is/was is she goes out with friends, eats poorly, and then just keeps that rolling and rolling, and theres drinking in there too."
"Now, for as honest and self aware as she can be, she can also be pretty, I guess, in denial."
"She'll text me and ask me to shopping with her as her pants no longer fit and she claims she has no clue why."
"On Saturday, while I was helping her decorate her new apartment, she just started pouring out to me how much she weighs now, middle 240s, she's only 5'5, how she just can't stop eating."
"We've had these talks in the past and they lead 1 of 2 ways."
"1) she tries a diet or 2) she champions body positivity and says she's fine at her weight."
"On this particular day, she ended her outpouring by asking me what was going to happen if she kept going down this path."
"Initially I thought it was a pretty obvious question but, I decided that she's just really worried and not thinking that through."
"I told her if she keeps going how she's going, she'll probably be at risk for health issues, her QOL( quality of life) won't be great."
"Her body will just keep getting heavier and wider and her clothes will all just keep getting tighter and tighter until they stop fitting."
"I told her I didn't want that for her and wanted to see her get healthier."
"She told me I painted a gloomy future and asked me to leave much sooner than I think she originally expected to."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was unanimously agreed that the OP did absolutely the right thing in telling their step-sister the truth, and was not the a**hole for doing so.
Everyone agreed that the OP's stepsister needed to hear the truth, no matter how hard it must have been for her to hear.
"NTA you were honest and didn't intend to hurt her, but I think she may actually need help."
"I'm no professional, but sounds like binge eating disorder."- TheyDont_Know_WeKnow
"NTA."
"She asked a question you answered."
"Doesn't seem like you were judgy or condescending."
"You stated the probable facts."
"The truth hurts sometimes, but she has to deal with it at some point."- meancrochethook
"NTA."
"Heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, arthritis, liver disease, arterial schlerosis."
"There are probably 50 different health ailments tied to obesity!"
"Yeah, she reacted that way because she already knew the answer but wanted someone to placate her and tell her it was no big deal."- FunkU247365
"NTA."
"People do this sh*t all the time."
"They ask a question and don't want a straight answer they just want you to tell them what they want to hear."
"You know what happened when you tell them what they want to hear?"
"Things get worse and they blame you instead of themselves."
"I'm all for body positivity I mean just cause you're a twig doesn't mean you're healthy."
"If you like being bigger or are just comfortable the way you are fuck it live your life happy the way you are."
"But the problem with the body positivity movement is we are brushing aside the fact that while you shouldn't be ridiculed for being bigger it doesn't change that it is an unhealthy way to live."
"I watched my mother eat herself to death cause of depression."
"I never once thought of her as ugly she will always be the most beautiful human I have ever seen but watching her as a child committing slow suicide is something I would wish upon no one."
"You told her the truth that takes more love than a lie cause a lie is selfish cause you're doing it in fear of what will happen to you and not what will happen to her."- anatall777
"You're correct in telling her the truth."
"She is at risk for heart disease and pre-diabetes, as examples of health issues."
"What she needs is regular exercise, even if it's walking around block, diet modification, eat celery, carrots or broccoli when going out with friends and engage with a therapist, a non partial support person."
"She can lose weight, not overnight, but in a year she can be a new and completely different, figuratively person."
"Good luck to her, the work, discipline and patience isn't easy but worth it."- AwardOk1534
"NTA."
"I don't think anything you said was rude or over the top at all, it was actually very softly but truthfully delivered."
"Your family tried to see if this was a physical issue, and it's not."
"Now it's time to see if it's a mental one by encouraging her, gently, to see a therapist who can help her get to the bottom of her eating disorder."- ASleepandAForgetting
"NTA."
"She asked what would happen down this path."
"'This path' IS gloomy."
"If she wanted clear skies she should have asked 'Is there another path?'."- disruptionisbliss
There were a few, however, who were sympathetic to the OP's stepsister, feeling that her issues are likely much bigger than she even realizes, making it hard for her to make any changes, and that the OP might have chosen her words a bit more carefully, even if she ultimately did the right thing.
"NAH."
"It sounds like a difficult conversation and she was hurt afterward, that doesn't make you an AH, it makes you someone willing to have hard conversations."- Extension-Guess5911
"When people ask for the truth, they rarely want it."
"But, of course, you can't predict all rainbows and unicorns when your opinion is asked."
"NTA."
"But do try to keep away from these kinds of conversations in the future."
"Redirect to something like, what do you think or what do you plan to do or what does your doctor say or what have you tried?"
"Maybe."
'I'm fat (240) and over 60 with various medical problems."
"The doctors aren't positive if the problems came from pcos andhypothyroidism or being fat came from the medical problems."
"But people that say dieting is easy or simply push yourself from the table or other stupidity enrage me."
"You can't say or do anything that will make it better."
"Just let her know that you love and if she asks your help with something specific, you'll do your best."- Unfair_Ad_4470
"NAH."
"She probably asked you to leave because she needed to cope with hearing what she was already afraid of."
"It does sound like she needs some help and is hopefully starting to realize that."
"Perhaps, if she brings the matter up again, you can offer to help her look for professional help, like a nutritional therapist?"- livvy_granger
"Soft YTA."
"I feel like that was a moment where she wasn't asking you to tell her the details of what happens if she keeps getting fatter."
"As you said, she knows the answer to that question and you detailing it for her was never actually going to be helpful."
"It seems pretty clear that she was crying out for help and your matter of fact and depressing response, while probably true, wasn't what she needed."
"It definitely sounds like there are probably some mental health things that need to be addressed here and she needs support and encouragement from her family."- hannahkelli
It's entirely possible that the OP's step-sister turned to the OP for validation and assurance that she had nothing to worry about.
But even if the OP's answer was not what she wanted to hear, let's hope she will eventually heed her warnings
As the OP answer was not at all out of malice or spite, but out of genuine concern and love.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp