Family is family.
Everyone gets to define it how they chose to surround themselves with the ones they love.
But are others entitled to an explanation of said family?
Especially if people are entering into an intimate relationship, do all the intricacies need to be discussed upfront?
Case in point…
Redditor PerfectPrize9458 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for lying to my G[irl]F[riend] about having a child?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My brother passed away five years ago.”
“He has a daughter who was nine at the time.”
“Let’s call her Nora.”
“My other brother became Nora’s legal guardian, but she ended up living with me most of the time, and we got closer.”
“She is like a daughter to me, and even though I’m not her legal guardian, everyone in our family has accepted me as her dad.”
“I started dating my GF about a year ago and told her that I have a daughter.”
“I didn’t go into details that she is not mine.”
“I just wanted her to know that Nora and I are a package deal.”
“I introduced her to Nora about four months ago, and they do NOT get along.”
“Nora is not an easy kid to get along with, and my GF lacks patience.”
“A few days ago, she found out that Nora is actually not mine and freaked out.”
“She called me an a**hole for lying to her and forcing her to tolerate and spend time with ‘that annoying kid who isn’t even mine.'”
“I told her that Nora is mine and kicked her out of my home for insulting my child in my home.”
“I have been getting texts from her friends who all think I’m an a**hole.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Biological father or not, legal guardian or not, you are responsible for Nora, and it’s part of your job to advocate for her, which is exactly what you were doing.”
“You owe no one an explanation of the true nature of your relationship with Nora.” ~ sharirogers
“I think it’s a sense of entitlement.”
“My sister did this for years before I went no contact with her.”
“She would text my wife (GF at the time) and my brother’s fiancè nasty things all the time for various reasons.”
“She claimed she was sticking up for her brothers, but she just never learned to butt out.”
“She does have a lot of narcissistic tendencies, however.”
“The problem was that after the nasty things were said, she would never apologize, and she couldn’t fathom why nobody wanted to be around her anymore.”
“Sadly, people like this usually never change.” ~ WorldOnFire83
“My dad is not my bio dad, and he never had legal custody of me, but he is still my dad.”
“95% of people have no idea we aren’t biologically related.”
“He has always introduced me as his daughter, and I have always introduced him as my dad.”
“I don’t even know if his current GF knows his last GF didn’t know until they had been together three years.” ~ tryoracle
“NTA. If the girlfriend did not ask for the history of how OP became a single father and OP did not lie to her, then she didn’t seem to want more detailed information.”
“There has to be a relevant story behind any single parent that would be of interest to any serious significant other.”
“His lack of ‘transparency’ was apparently not a concern until the girlfriend thought he was not the real father.” ~ Glass_Machine_9886
“GF is the a**hole, and you should ditch her.”
“That being said, this girl is your niece, and you’re not her legal guardian.”
“It feels weird to say you have a child instead of, ‘my niece lives with me.'”
“Or even, ‘my niece has lived with me since she was nine and I love her like my own daughter.'”
“Either way, you’re still a package deal, but your wording is weird, almost like you’re erasing the situation.” ~ Sasumeh
“Agree with NTA, but not the last sentence.”
“If OP is going to have a serious relationship, like live in with someone, then the info about his relationship with his daughter could be very important in cases of medical emergencies or the like.” ~ potentiallyspiders
“I’ve got a slightly more nuanced opinion.”
“I think OP is NTA for supporting/prioritizing his daughter.”
“However, I think all this would have been avoided if he had been more upfront with his GF.”
“Surely, in 1 year of the relationship, OP could have found an opportunity to say something.”
“If the GF had not liked it, well, you would have both saved precious time, in addition to the drama of the fights between GF and daughter.” ~ Idontlikesoup1
“This. And frankly, OP, you dodged a bullet.”
“Your GF found out that Nora’s father died, and you stepped into that role for her.”
“And rather than that softening GF’s perception of Nora, rather than her trying to be a little more compassionate toward and understanding of a little girl whose dad died, GF basically says she shouldn’t have had to put up with Nora from the beginning.”
“GF is a selfish AH, and her friends sound like they’re all as obsessed with themselves as GF seems to be.” ~ bowyamyshoobs24
“He does say he’s not the legal guardian of Nora, just that she stays with him.”
“’Not being his’ could also refer to the fact that he has killed no legal guardianship over Nora rather than the biological aspect.”
“GF is still an AH for how she handled things.”
“And I’m glad that Nora has an advocate like OP.”
“But I can’t say I’m not doubtful of OPs description of Nora—if she was just a quiet and shy teen (wouldn’t be easy to get along with as she wouldn’t be social) or she was cruel to OPs girlfriend (a much different definition of ‘not easy to get along with’).”
“Personally, I can’t always trust how parents online describe their children.”
“They usually won’t paint them in a bad light if they can help it.”
“OP is still NTA, though, given the information in the current post.” ~ HentaiQueen0w0
“ESH. It’s a beautiful thing you did taking in your niece, and fair play to you for considering her your own daughter.”
“But you’ve been with your girlfriend for a year and never told her the truth about it.”
“You can be upfront about the situation whilst still being firm that she’s part of the deal and not going anywhere.”
“It’s possible your girlfriend felt blindsided and deceived and reacted out of that.”
“However, ultimately if she’s not willing to accept Nora, then the two of you aren’t compatible.” ~ blueboatsky
“She said that if she had known the kid wasn’t his biological daughter, she wouldn’t have tried so hard to get along with her.”
“That goes beyond being blindsided.”
“That shows she never had good intentions, to begin with, and maybe deep down OP knew that and was trying to protect Nora until he knew where the relationship would ultimately be headed.” ~ xsullengirlx
“I honestly can’t even believe this is a question.”
“Because he’s in an intimate long-term relationship with this woman, and you share the details of your life with them.”
“Because he’s not just been withholding a detail, he’s been lying about her mother, about his dead brother, all the stories of her early life – he hasn’t been honest about any of it.”
“He’s been lying about his role in her life- because let’s get real, he loves and is committed to her, and that’s beautiful.”
“But he’s not her legal guardian and can’t even sign a school permission slip for her.”
“Does Nora miss her dead father?”
“How is OP honoring his memory and role in her life?”
“Because apparently, he’s not doing it in any way that would give a heads-up to his girlfriend.”
“The question of ‘why tell her’ comes from a defensive viewpoint of OP and Nora vs. the GF.”
“But in any committed and loving and trusting relationship, the aim should be ‘the 3 of us.'”
“He created a massive barrier to any long-term future with GF.”
“Maybe he’d already figured out her true character. Maybe she was more of a F*** buddy that he didn’t want a future with.”
“In which case, write it all off as a bad job and move on.”
“But let’s not pretend he was reasonable for not telling his long-term girlfriend the true nature of his most important relationship.” ~ blueboatsky
“You are Nora’s primary caregiver, and, as you said, the two of you are a package deal.”
“You are NTA for throwing your girlfriend out.”
“I don’t usually suggest people break up, but if she can’t get on well with the child in your care, it would be better if you ended it.”
“However, I don’t understand why on this sub, we so often get stories where people omit significant life facts from their partners.”
“You have been dating this woman for a year.”
“The death of a sibling is significant enough even without adopting their child.”
“The fact that you didn’t tell her that Nora is your niece is weird.”
“If it turned out that the two of them got on well, how do you think the girlfriend would feel years from now when she found out the truth (possibly in an embarrassing manner)?”
“ESH, but she sucks more.” ~ Anxious_Algae
Well, OP, sounds like Reddit is with you.
You are a parent now, and you put your child first.
Chosen family is family.
Hopefully, GF can lear to accept that… if you want her to stick around.