Carrying people's bags can sometimes be a problem.
In relationships, many husbands sometimes have to hold or carry their wives' purses.
A lot of guys take issue with this, but they deal.
But carrying extra bags for people, not companions, can cause friction.
Redditor Certain-Club-2173 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITAH for refusing to carry my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]'s bag when we go out?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hey, myself (27 M[ale]) and my wife (26 F[emale])."
"When we go out, mostly she keeps this tote bag, which comes with a lot of space, so sometimes I put my stuff (wallet, keys, receipts, etc.) in it."
"And I put a power bank in her purse as well, as I use an iPhone 12 mini whose battery sucks."
"Fair enough, I've absolutely no issues in carrying her bag (I usually take it for like 20-30% of the time, no issues if the number rises)."
"Her single sister (24 F) lives nearby, and sometimes we all hang out together."
"She's developing this habit of trying to hand her tote bag to me as well."
"I took it out of courtesy for the first 2-3 times, but I don't want it to become a norm."
"I don't want to be a pack mule of the group."
"Apart from the discomfort, it affects the outing experience too."
"At first, I asked my wife to help me with it via communicating with her sister, but I couldn't see any difference."
"So the next time (very recent) when she again tried to pass me her bag, I just told her I don't want to (of course, in a respectable tone)."
"It worked, but later that day, my wife said it was a kinda bi**hy move from my side as both the sisters were trying out some clothes."
"I mentioned to her about how it usually goes."
"Also, two sisters can manage each other's bags while trying out the outfits."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA? It ended kinda awkward, as if I was being petty."
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. A grown-up woman can manage her own bag while trying on clothing."
"Otherwise, I would have been in trouble for the last 50+ years." ~ Spare_Butterfly_213
"NTA. An infrequent ask is fine, but a regular ask from SIL is not okay."
"As long as you said it nicely, you're fine."
"If it's too much for her, tell her to get a rolling bag." ~ Ducky818
"Has your wife ever prevented you from putting stuff in her bag because she doesn't want to carry your wallet, receipts, keys, power bank, and god knows what else?"
'Cuz she could."
"But she's just being kind."
"You should learn from her. "
"Sure, you don't need to carry SIL's stuff all the time, but like they're trying on clothes?"
"That's the classic time when you'd end up with the bag/purse." ~ JustARandomGuyReally
"Most dressing rooms have hanging hooks or benches for a reason."
"Plus, it sounds like shes not really asking, she's just handing off her bag and expecting OP to babysit it simply because he's carrying his wife's tote too."
"I can see why he doesn't want to deal with becoming the group pack mule."
"It's one thing lugging around a single tote." ~ SajakiKhouri
"NTA. I don't know, call me weird, but I wouldn't ask anyone else's husband to hold my purse unless it was to tie my shoe or if I was trying to readjust the things in my hand. "
"And even then I'd ask my friend/sister first."
"It's giving that she's trying to cosplay having a husband."
"When the reason you're carrying the bag is that it's also holding your stuff… it's weird." ~ bitter-scorpio-02
"NTA. I would be annoyed to."
"Suggestion: talk to your wife about maybe not handing her bag over to you when you both are around your SIL."
"It would be super awkward for SIL to hand you her bag if her sister hasn't."
"And even if she tries to?"
"You and your wife can both give her a very confused look."
"Going through that a couple of times should dissuade her enough to stop it altogether." ~ IamIrene
"NTA, but why are you putting all your crap in your wife's bag?"
"She's not a mule either."
"Granted, you said you carry it sometimes, but I've never been with a guy who has me carry his wallet/keys/phone."
"That's the kind of stuff guys tend to carry themselves, in their pockets."
"I wouldn't tolerate carrying a power bank for long either."
"Get a new battery or a new phone if yours is so bad." ~ Brit_in_usa1
"NTA to SIL, you are to your wife, though."
"You have a bag's worth of stuff to carry, so GET A BAG."
"They have great small to large messenger bags for guys, quality leather to canvas."
"My late husband liked to use a clean rock climber's chalk bag (his hobby)."
"Look at European guys, they use bags with no problem."
"Man-bag up and carry your own stuff." ~ veebasaur
"NTA. It's bullshit asking someone else to carry the bag you chose to fill up and bring."
"It's also bulls**t to put your stuff all in your wife's purse EXCEPT if you take turns carrying it, which it seems that you do."
"Adults need to take care of their own stuff, or agree to share with another person, not just dump their crap on someone else." ~ Regular-Message9591
"NTA, you're not her designated pack mule, but also your wife isn't yours."
"Your SIL is weird for thinking just because you carry your significant other's bag that she's entitled to the same treatment."
"She needs to get a partner if she so desperately needs someone to carry her stuff."
"Carry a little bag with your own stuff so you don't make your wife's bag heavier, then you don't have to carry anyone's bag, and everyone keeps their stuff on their own shoulders 😊." ~ Eyelashestoolong
"NTA. My husband always offers to carry any bags I have."
"Sometimes I take him up on it, sometimes I don't."
"I don't expect or ask him to, though."
"I also offer the same."
"His response is the same."
"I would help friends/relatives here, and there, like you've done, but you're right - you're no pack mule!" ~ myboyfriendsback777
"NTA. The whole distinction of 'watching the bag' while they try clothes vs. 'carrying the bag while walking around' is f**king stupid."
"She's a whole grown woman who, knowing what activities she's planning on doing today, decided to bring the bag with her."
"How does she navigate life when she's going shopping for clothing by herself?"
"Does she not bring a bag, or does she utilize the hooks/benches in the fitting room?"
"She's been able to figure it out like all women who carry bags since the dawn of time."
"Yes, sometimes I regret carrying my large, heavy bag, especially when I'm walking long distances from store to store."
"I made the executive decision that carrying all of the things in my bag is important in case I need them, that doesn't give me the right to offload it on a family member just cuz they're already doing it for their spouse."
"She's not the a**hole for asking, but if he said 'No,' that's it."
"No hurt feelings, he's well within his rights to decline, and his declining isn't 'bi**hy.'" ~ zestrokes
"NTA. I wouldn't have taken either of their bags."
"How does your wife shop when you aren't around and she doesn't seem to appreciate what you do for her?" ~ Long_Ad_2764
"NTA. But next time accept it, then forgetfully leave it somewhere."
"Be very apologetic." ~ JTBoom1
A few Redditors had different thoughts about the matter...
"Hmm. I suspect this will be unpopular, but you are the tiniest of a**es, good sir."
"Chivalry is a zero-sum game, I'm afraid."
"Either thou art a bag carrying gentleman or thou art not a bag carrying gentleman."
"Either is valid, but you should really pick one; otherwise, yeah, it's hard to see how it's not a little odd to insist that only your wife and not her sister deserves your help when it's the same situation happening at the same time. YTA." ~ Remarkable-Intern-41
"Do you not have pockets?"
"I'm consistently front right phone, back right wallet, front left keys, and that's all I need."
"Back left is reserved for her phone if she needs it, and the wallet has a couple of slots for her ID and main card."
"If she needs a bag, she can carry it just like she did on the way."
"This should not be complicated."
"YTA to yourself for being a doormat." ~ GenitalFurbies
"Yes, YTA. If you have stuff, you need to carry it yourself and not let your gf carry it." ~ Isabelsedai
"If he puts stuff in there - especially a power bank, then he should be carrying it up to 50% of the time if she asks him to."
"My dad used to pull that, 'You have a purse, so carry this and this and this and his fricken' giant heavy old-fashioned camera' I was lugging around stuff that more than doubled the weight of the purse." ~ Music_withRocks_In
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
Carrying your wife's bag is one thing, carrying her sister's is another.
Her sister shouldn't assume you will be the 'pack mule.'
Maybe you could just tell your SIL nicely with your wife's help.
Good Luck.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.