A lot of thought goes into choosing a name for one's child.
All parents come up with a preliminary list, before narrowing it down to a name both parents find suitable.
But that chosen name might go out the window when they meet their child, as they might decide their personality is more becoming of a different name.
Then too, even after giving their children a name which can be found on their birth certificate, they might begin to address that child by something completely different in only a matter of time.
Such was the case for Redditor notmyllegs, who gave their infant son a nickname which became his all but official name in the household.
Indeed, when a friend of the original poster (OP) came to play with their son, they wouldn't accept her calling him by any other name, even his legally given name.
Eventually leading to some tension between the friends.
Wondering if they were out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my friend to stop referring to my son by full time?"
The OP explained how they did not appreciate their friend addressing their child by a certain name, nor did their friend appreciate the way the OP spoke to her.
"We call my son Benji."
"His full name is Benjamin."
"My friend came over for a visit and my son, 18months, was ignoring her."
"She went and crouched down in front of him and waved and he just walked away from her."
"She started to laugh and just said 'I can't believe you Benjamin'."
"I said we call him Benji in the house you know that."
"So he eventually warmed up to her and she was calling him Benji like she's supposed to, and they were having a blast playing when my son suddenly took all the cars and ran behind the couch."
"She did that 'gasping' again and said 'Benjamin how could you?'"
"My son thought it was funny and thought nothing of it but I was really annoyed because I already asked her not to call him that. I flatly said stop calling him that."
"She mumbled a sorry then suddenly she had to go."
"I told her that we were ok she didn't have to leave, but she said "something came up 'but I've known her so long i knew she was lying then she awkwardly left."
"My husband said I'm TA but I think I was I was just standing my ground."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP received little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who felt they were fairly clearly the a**hole for the way they spoke to their friends.
Everyone agreed that the OP completely overreacted to her friend calling her son by his given name, wondering why they even gave him that name if it bothered them so much.
"Better get ready to be shocked and infuriated every time someone sees your son's name."
"And calls him by his name, for the rest of his life."
"YTA."- Background-Aioli4709
"YTA idk what to say, be normal."- Business-Nebula-5889
"YTA."
"Why did you name him Benjamin if you never wanted anyone to call him that under any circumstances whatsoever?"
"If he has a problem with it or preference when he's old enough to express one for himself, he can express it then, and you can step in if your friend refuses to adapt."
"But right now, he doesn't care, so I'm more than a little baffled why you do."- mm172
"YTA."
"She is jokingly calling him by his first name when he did something that would be considered rude if a teenager did it."
"Did your parents never call you by your full name or first and middle name when you did something rude or weren't listening?"- TranslatorBoth1648
"I often see these scenarios where parents don't want their kids' names shortened into nicknames."
"I can't wrap my head around why you wouldn't want your kid to be called by the name YOU gave him at birth."
"Very odd."- Minute-Estimate-2945
"YTA."
"If you wanted your child exclusively called Benji."
"You shouldn't have named him Benjamin."
"Your friend was literally addressing your child by his name."
"It wasn't like she decided he looked more like a Jason and started calling him Jason."- Bitter-Conflict-4089
"YTA."
'His name is Benjamin.'
'His nickname is Benji."
"People are going to call him by both names his entire life."
"You need to get over it."- Ranos131
"Why did you name your child Benjamin if you do not want him to be called that?"- devlin94
"Why on Earth do you care so much?"- LoupGarou95
"YTA."
"What a stupid thing to be mad about."
'Why name your kid Benjamin and then forbid people from calling him that?"
"Like it or not that is his name and if you get triggered from hearing that's something you need to work on yourself."
"Don't lash out at people for using the name he was given."
"You're gonna be hearing it the rest of your life, so better you fucking deal with it now."-TheAshenDemon4
"YTA."
"Do you plan on correcting every stranger, teacher, acquaintance, doctors office for the rest of his life?"
"If you didn't like the name you shouldn't have agreed to it you weirdo."- Plumbus-Grab-816
"YTA why name your child, a name you don't want people calling him?"- sammiedodgers
"YTA."
"If this is all you've got to complain about, you have a charmed life."- Walesgurl
"Why even name him Benjamin if you don't like it?"
"How old are you?"
"You seem too childish to even have a child."
"Yta!"- RowenaStarr13
"Why is it a big deal if your friend calls your son by his full name?"
"What are you planning to do if he prefers his full name and not Benji?"- FancyPantsDancer
"What are you gonna do if one day he decides he wants to go by Benjamin?"
"You're gonna refuse and keep calling him Benji because of your own feelings?"
"YTA."
"If you didn't want him ever called Benjamin, you should have refused to name him Benjamin."
"He's gonna be called Benjamin by every person who has access to his official name."
"You better get used to it."- Waury
"YTA."
"How dare she call your son by his name."- chrisnj5
"YTA."
"If you wanted him called Benji, you should have made that his real name, not the full name of Benjamin."
"Most people swap between the nickname and full first name, especially as your friend did, often to express disapproval for bad behavior."
"He's going to be called by both names throughout his life, he and you should get used to it since you did not make that clear in the beginning."- KarmaWillGetYa
"YTA."
"If you hated the name that much you should have never agreed to it in the first place."
"But what you don't get to do is snap at people for USING HIS GIVEN NAME."-The__Riker__Maneuver
"You are going to have a looooong road ahead of you if you get precious about people calling your son by his legal name."
"YTA."- HRHDechessNapsaLot
"You've chosen a ground that will be hard to defend, as time passes."
"OP, his name is Benjamin."
"You want him called Benji."
"Someday he could decide he prefers Ben or Benny or, god forbid, Benjamin."
"In 3 years, he might decide he will only answer to Optimus Prime then what will you do?"- Sidneyreb
"YTA.'
"she called your son by his name, you scolded her more than once for using the name you gave him, and then are offended she faked having to leave?!"
"You may be the ruler of your own home but you are definitely a petty tyrant."
"YTA."- DumbestManEver
"Yeah YTA."
"Blame your husband if you want but you still named him Benjamin, you gonna harass all his future teachers to call him Benji too?"
"What if he ends up like his full name will you forbid it?"- Layli2020
The OP eventually returned with an update, giving some insight regarding their son's name, while also confessing that they may not have behaved as well as they could have.
"I don't like him called Benjamin because it's a family name that my husband insisted on that I'm not fond of."
"I get it. I'm wrong."
"My husband did not bully me into the name."
"Was the name of a family member that he was close to that had a tragic death."
"It was to pay tribute and I was ok with it."
"I'm still not fond of it."
One can at least appreciate that the OP was willing to put their feelings aside, and give her son a name they didn't like as a favor to her husband.
However, if it was a name they didn't like to such an extent they didn't want him addressed by it, maybe they should have thought twice before agreeing to it?
One thing the OP should not think twice about, however, is offering their friend the apology she deserves.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp