It's always fun to see loved ones and share time.
But loved ones can overstay their welcome.
Plus, certain situations and necessities make it stressful to offer the space.
Redditor charliestownMA wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for saying no to hosting my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] and her additional needs kid overnight again?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"A few months ago my sister and law and her daughter who is 3 came to stay with us for nearly a week because she is getting assessed for autism in our state."
"I had suggested to my partner that they stay in a hotel, even offered that we cover the costs because my SIL is what I could only call a free-range mom."
"She is struggling and is likely trying to do whatever will make the day go by."
"Anyway, they visited, and we have a 4-year-old son."
"He has his routines, we have our rules at home, aside from our weekly movie night, he doesn't access any other screen time and doesn't have a personal device."
"My SIL's kid was glued to her iPad the entire time, volume on loud and if my SIL tried lowering the volume the kid would start screaming, it seems that the SIL never actually carried through with it."
"We tried to be accommodating, and she sat at the dinner table with us for dinner on her iPad our son was very curious and at first we were like this is a good opportunity for him to understand some people do things differently for whatever reason."
"But by day three, it was clear that this wasn't just about the kid getting used to a different environment, it was full-blown chaos."
"Constant screaming and banging well into the night, the iPad on loud until nighttime too."
"It kept everyone up."
"We have a large 5-bedroom home, and we all stayed up because of it, including our son, who could not sleep until he asked to stay in our room."
"I occasionally W[ork] F[rom] H[ome] but just couldn't and had to leave."
"The lack of boundaries extended to other areas too."
"My SIL would say she was stepping out for a walk and be gone for hours, leaving her daughter with us with no heads up or prep."
"And I want to be clear, I have so much empathy."
"I know parenting a child with additional needs is exhausting."
"I know she likely never gets a break."
'But I didn't sign up to be free childcare, especially when we were already hosting them, driving them around, buying a lot of additional frozen food and snacks that we never keep at home so that the daughter could eat."
"All while trying to maintain some structure for our own kid."
"My partner and I argued about it afterward."
"He felt I was being too harsh."
"I said, if they need to come again for another assessment, we either book and pay for a hotel if they really can't afford it or set very clear boundaries about what kind of help we're able to offer, and stick to them."
"Now my SIL needs to come to our state again and has asked to stay for the few days she is here."
"My partner thinks I'm being unkind and unsupportive, but I honestly think we did everything we could last time, and hosting again is just too stressful."
"So I said no."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for saying no to hosting them overnight again?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Mean suggestion incoming."
"How about you book a hotel for you and your son and let your partner deal with his sister and niece?"
"He won't invite them again."
"In other words, nacho."
"To add NTA one bit." ~Mysterious-Law-172
"NTA and the fact that you're even asking makes me want to scream."
"You know what kills me?"
"It's always the person doing the least who thinks you're being 'unkind and unsupportive.'"
"Your husband wants to be the good guy to his sister while you deal with the actual fallout. Classic."
"I hate how we're supposed to just... absorb everyone else's chaos because 'family.'"
"Like your kid asking to sleep in your room because he can't handle the noise isn't enough of a reason?"
"Your SIL literally abandoning her kid with you for hours without asking isn't enough?"
"Offering to PAY FOR A HOTEL is already more than most people would do but somehow you're still the asshole?"
"Make it make sense."
"Honestly, just reading this made my chest tight because I know that exact feeling - where you're trying so hard to be understanding, but inside, you're screaming because your own life is falling apart, and everyone acts like you're selfish for having a single boundary."
"Bet your husband wouldn't last one day as the primary caregiver during their visit. bet." ~ anshukg
"Take your son and go have a staycation at a hotel."
"Let your husband deal with it."
"All of it."
"Like, the house needs to look the same as you left it. NTA." ~ Wonderful_Horror7315
"That's the answer."
"If the husband thinks they need to be more understanding, he can take all his patience and empathy and cater to them himself."
"I have experience in the special needs category, and while iPads can be helpful and a little grace is warranted, it is absolutely not okay to dump your special needs kid on others without permission and disappear for hours at a time."
"It's not okay to expect others to play host while you let your child run amok. It's not okay to make your host family go several nights without sleep (it's not the child's fault, but then you need to start considering other accommodations)."
"I feel for SIL but her struggle should not automatically be everyone else's struggle because she feels entitled to a break." ~ cbm984
"NTA. If your husband is not going to support you, rent an Airbnb for you and your son."
"He needs to be inconvenienced by the sister-in-law's visit." ~ tarnishau14
"NTA. But maybe leave and use that hotel room for yourself and your kid."
"Your partner can stay at home and host." ~ SpillingBlackInk
"OP shouldn't have to foot the bill."
"But I think her husband should because I agree that she should leave him to host."
"Maybe visit her own family during that time or something." ~ ALostAmphibian
"NTA. Can you stay with friends or relatives on a 'visit' with your kid while they're there?"
"Let your husband deal with them on his own if he wants to, but you should opt-out if he's going to insist on hosting them." ~ TheRoadkillRapunzel
"NTA, but have either of you communicated with your SIL about the impact the last stay had on your family?"
"I'm curious about whether she is even aware."
"She may not like hearing it, but I feel like you have some valid points - i.e. the disruption to your/your child's schedule, the free childcare, the food, etc."
"But you have a right to your peace and aren't under any obligation to host anyone who causes chaos in your household." ~ small-black-cat-290
"NTA. Sounds like your partner wants to be in the good books for hosting, but not doing any of the hard work including unexpected/unplanned babysitting that's falling to you."
"Having her stay again would/should require two yeses from the partner and you."
"Though, If you lose this battle, have an open conversation with both the SIL and partner on the challenges that occurred last time, and what needs to happen this time to make this stay work." ~ Snackinpenguin
"NTA at all."
"Seems like your partner prefers to please his sister instead of doing what's right for your son."
"Book the hotel for you and your son."
"You deserve it." ~ Popular-Parsnip8911
"NTA. But he can host his sister, and you and your kids can go during SIL's stays with your parents or family."
"Or even in a hotel - at least, you can profit to rest and your husband can take care of his family." ~ Lucy_Nell
"NTA. Mate, they were guests from hell, do you really need to ask?"
"She took the piss last time, plain and simple."
"You bent over backward, and she walked all over it."
"You're not a hotel+a free nanny service."
"Honestly, I would've cut the Wi-Fi after bedtime and told them to jog on the next morning."
"You're well within your rights to say no."
"Boundaries exist for a reason." ~ ruyrybeyro
"As the mom of an autistic daughter, I still feel for you because it's clear that your SIL is an absolutely irresponsible parent."
"Even with a high-needs autistic kid, they can be taught certain routines that help calm them wherever they are."
"It's clear your SIL hasn't bothered to train her special needs kid."
"She wants to have a holiday of sorts while leaving you guys to do free babysitting for a kid who isn't even used to you all."
"Tell your husband that you are objecting to his sister taking advantage of your hospitality and treating your place as a free daycare NOT about letting them stay."
"NTA. Tell." ~ Spiritual-Bridge3027
"NTA - ask that he take time off work to watch her kid and gift her kid with headphones."
"Personally, I'd take a vacation with my own kid and leave my partner on his own if he didn't care about my feelings or how the family was affected." ~ WaryScientist
"Why don't you and your kid leave for that period of time and let your husband see what you've been dealing with while he hosts his sister since it's so important to him to support his family? NTA." ~ StacyB125
"NTA. If he wants to let them stay, book a hotel room for you and your kid."
"It's his sister."
"He can deal with her." ~ Disastrous-Nail-640
"NTA... this is a very bad influence on your child and totally disruptive of the routine in your house."
"Offer to find an air BnB I doubt a hotel would want that behavior either." ~ PCO244EVER
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your SIL can find other accommodations.
Maybe you can even offer to babysit for a night or two.
But order in your own home is important to maintain.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp