Parents only want what they believe is best for their children.
Even when their children don't follow the path they hoped they might as adults, they still want to support them as best they can.
However, even the most supportive parents must draw the line eventually, and force their children to figure some things out on their own, as all adults must do.
Redditor SirProfessional4024 wanted all her children to have a bright, prosperous future, and made plans to ensure they would.
When their eldest daughter's life took an unexpected turn, the original poster (OP) still offered her help and support.
Until this daughter wanted their regarding two notable turning points in their life, which is where she finally put their foot down.
Wondering if they were being unfair, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AIAT), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not letting my daughter use her college fund for a wedding or house?"
The OP explained why they were hesitant to let their daughter use money set aside for a specific purpose for something else.
"I (43 F[emale]) have 4 kids. El (22 F) Katie (17 F) cam(15 M[ale]) Isla (5 F) and I'm also currently pregnant.
Me and my husband (50 M) started adding to college funds every month for each of our kids pretty much as soon as we found out we were pregnant."
"I won't say the exact amount but my husband has an excellent job so it's more than most."
"We never told our kids because it just didn't feel necessary."
"El got pregnant when she was 16 and ended up dropping out of school."
"I was very disappointed but I understood."
"However I was under the impression she would return later, but she has no plans to."
"The dad stuck around and now they have 1 more kid (3) and one on the way."
"They are engaged but don't plan to marry until they can afford it."
"They were doing okay financially for a while but due to the market right now they've been struggling because El can't get a job since she doesn't have a diploma so we've been loaning them money."
"Katie is a senior and just got accepted into college, we've been setting everything up and obviously she knows about the fund now."
"Katie and El were talking and she was telling El about the school and El asked how she was planning on paying for it."
"Katie responded 'my college fund' I was in the room while they were talking and this made me panic."
"We had just planned on splitting it between the remaining four since we knew they were going to college."
"El asked me if they all had one and I wasn't going to lie, so I said yes."
"She got really excited and went to call her fiancé and tell him the good news."
"I was confused and told her she couldn't have the money, she asked why and I said it's for school."
"She got upset and left my house."
"The next day I get a call from El, she was crying and begging me to let her have the funds so she could finally afford a down payment and maybe even a wedding."
"I told her she could have the money if she went back to school and whatever money was left over she could use for whatever she wanted."
"She got super mad and started yelling at me and saying it's her money."
"I told her that it was MY money and those were my conditions and she hung up."
"Now we are being harassed by her fiancé's family, they aren't as fortunate as us, calling us a**holes and a lot of other names."
"Saying it's all gonna go to waste if she doesn't use it, were setting her up for failure, etc."
"Now I'm wondering if I'm the a**hole because my dad said we should give her the money as we 'saved it for her after all'."
"So am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, it was generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for declining to let her El use her college fund to pay for her wedding or as a downpayment.
A number of people pointed out how depending on the type of savings account it is, El might not be legally allowed to use that money for anything other than her college tuition.
"Is the college $$$ in a 529 fund?"
"If so, there are restrictions on how that $$ is spent as it is only for books, tuition & anything else related to cost of school."
"If it’s just $$$ in bank account then it’s up to you to decide how that $& should be spent."
"The $$ can be for your grand kids college fund instead."- 5nl007
"How is the money set up?"
"Is it in a 529?"
"That can only be used for college/educational expenses or it’s a HUGE penalty."
"In that case, directing it towards the other kids makes sense, even if you direct it towards HER three kids so they will have an established college fund they likely won’t have otherwise."
"At the end of the day, it’s your money to do with as you please, but it may damage your daughter’s relationship with you depending on how you spend it."- EntertainmentKind252
Others felt that it was unreasonable of El to demand even more money from her parents, as they were already offering her and her family considerable financial support already, with some wondering if doing so might start a trend with the rest of her children.
"NTA."
"OP is already loaning El money without knowing when or if she will pay her back."
"If she does give her money, it should be with a plan to make El more financially stable."
"But El is not asking for that."
"This is El & her bf’s situation:"
"They owe El’s parents money and rely on them for loans."
"They will soon have another child to support, making that 3 kids."
"They cannot afford to get married."
"El lacks the qualifications to get a job."
"Despite this, El’s demand is for money for a wedding or to take on more debt by buying a house."
"OP is not obligated to simply give her kids money."
"She had a purpose in mind."
"She could, and probably should, adapt that based on El’s situation but it’s understandable that she wouldn’t want the college fund to be spent like it’s a windfall."
"It’s an investment."
"El shouldn’t be looking short term but at what she and her bf need to support their family."
"If she doesn’t have her GED, she should get it."
"If there’s technical or other training they could benefit from, they should pursue that."
"If a courthouse wedding means they can better support their family, they should do that too."-Mermaidtoo
"NTA."
"Choices have consequences."
"And you were specific about what it was for."- Aiyokusama
"If OP basically buys one of her kids a house instead of school."
"Who's to say the others won't choose the same thing?"- Aderyn-Bach
"NTA."
"A GED is affordable and doable."
"She's choosing to keep having kids she can't afford."
"She doesn't need a wedding, she needs a reality check."
"If she was putting forth minimal effort to better her life it would be reasonable to ask for some money."
"A fancy party does nothing to feed and clothe her kids."
"You offered her what's left from the fund if she goes to school."
"She's decided that school isn't important, save her funds for the grandkids."- Odd_Trifle_2604
"NTA."
"That money is for her future, and she just isn't working on having one."- helendestroy
"NTA."
"It’s your, and your husband’s, money."
"If it’s to be used for education, that’s your perogative."
"It’s not her money."
"That’s it."
"End of story."
"But also, how are they going to pay the mortgage on the house, and the taxes, insurance, repairs, etc., when they are already struggling financially, about to have three kids under 4 years old, and she can’t get a job because she hasn’t gotten around to getting a GED or any kind of other education or job training?"
"Is taking on a huge financial responsibilty going to magically help them pay their bills and stop borrowing money from you?"
"I know rent is getting crazy in some areas but homeownership ain’t exactly cheap and there can be big ticket surprise repairs- whose gonna pick up the tab if that happens?"
'I’m guessing you and your husband."
"Her getting angry and yelling that your money is in fact her money is crazy entitlement."
"Especially given how much it sounds like you and your husband have already helped her."
"Ridiculous."
"NTA."- BellFirestone
Others suggested that even if the OP didn't give the money to El for her wedding or a downpayment, they should try and reallocate it so that El and her family still benefit from it.
"NTA but instead of spreading it to your other kids, maybe you should save that money for El’s kid’s college funds."
"Clearly she and her husband are not in a position to do that for their children."
"That way, you’re not making her feel unsupported."- Beautifulhestia
"I mean the way I see it, OP is still offering to pay for an education at any time for their daughter."
"That seems more than generous."
"NTA."
"Maybe save that college fund for the grandkids if your daughter never goes."- cobaltaureus
It's understandable for El to be frustrated, knowing her parents had money set aside for her that she might now never get to use.
However, that money was set aside for a specific purpose.
And though it might not happen any time soon, El still might get to use that money for that specific purpose, as there is no time limit to education.
Here's hoping an open, and civil, family meeting can resolve this issue.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp