When we lose someone we love, one of our top priorities becomes preserving their legacy.
This means taking care of those they left behind not only as best we can, but as they would have wanted.
Not to mention fulfilling their wishes, both of the things they wished to do, or things they never got done.
Sometimes, however, this is complicated when people go against their last wishes and go out of their way to derail them.
Redditor AcadiaOk8697 had recently lost their brother.
When planning his funeral, the original poster (OP), made sure to strictly adhere to his will.
A will that wanted a significant figure from their late brother's life excluded from his funeral.
Wondering if adhering to this wish would be wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole", (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for honoring my deceased brother's wishes and not letting his estranged wife attend his funeral?"
The OP explained why their late brother's ex-wife was not welcome at his funeral:
"My brother recently passed away due to kidney failure."
"He has been dealing with kidney problems most of his adult life."
"About 6 months ago, his wife of 5 years said she wanted a divorce; she wasn't happy, she thinks she deserves to be happy and with someone exciting."
"My brother was a good earner and worked long hours; she was a stay-at-home wife."
"After his most recent bout of kidney issues, while in hospital, he made out his will (made sure she got [Sweet F*ck All], she was already seeing someone else) and he specified that he does NOT want her at his funeral."
"He passed about a month ago, and at his request, she was not allowed at the funeral (she did try though, and was not allowed in)."
"She has since called me 'heartless' and had a number of her family gang up on me and sending me messages etc."
"She was even angrier that he left her nothing, and had transferred his savings to me for my daughter's education."
"We haven't stopped her from visiting his grave (not like we can anyway), but as per his wishes, she was not allowed at the service."
"When he moved out, he took half of the joint savings account and left her with the rest."
"He was a good husband who worked and did his share of the housework, but she had the habit of taking off as soon as he got home from work rather than spend time with him."
"The house they lived in belongs to her parents."
"We live in Australia, a couple must be separated for 12 months before they can apply for a divorce."
"The money he left my daughter is sitting in an account and won’t be touched until all legal issues are sorted."
"So, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for banning their late brother's ex-wife from his funeral.
Everyone agreed that the OP was only honoring their brother's wishes, with many feeling that the OP's ex-wife did not want to attend the funeral to honor her late husband, but rather to bring attention to herself:
"NTA."
"You did what your brother requested. He made the will while he was aware."
"Block all calls and texts."
"I'm am truly sorry for your loss."
"I have 2 brothers, and I can't imagine the pain and sorrow."- According-You-844
"NTA."
"We all make choices, and she made hers."- LunchValuable3630
"NTA, they had been separated for six months, so that seems like a reasonable boundary for him to have."
"Not going to the funeral you & his family organized in no way stops her from having her own service if she would like to so she has the power to resolve her complaints."
"She lacks the power to override your brother's final wishes & is probably stung by his decision to exclude her from his will (again, reasonable given the context)."
"However, those are the consequences of her choices."
"I’m sure she’ll find someone else who is exciting to support her."- 2tiredforthis
"NTA, she can’t crawl back after leaving him out to dry."
"Also, clearly she is more angry about nothing being left to her."- Sherwood_RipCity
"NTA."
"You can’t have it both ways."
"She found someone new, they were in the process of getting divorced, and she’s upset he left her nothing?"- PravinI123
"NTA."
"I don't have to know the details beyond 'The Deceased's wishes'."
"That's all that matters."
"Period."
"It sucks that the executors, inheritors, etc, often deal with the brunt of pain/rage/trouble."
"But, when it's someone's explicit wishes, and you are in charge of seeing them out, you see them out."
"They cannot advocate for themselves anymore."
"'They can't see it, they won't know...' is a sh*t argument to me."
"Everyone's wishes, even if you don't agree, or, want it to be different, understand or not... even when painful, as long as it's legal, should be held up."
"It's the finality of the totality of their lives... they entrusted you."
"She can be mad at YOU all she wants."
"It changes nothing."
"It wasn't your call."
"She can disagree with his decisions all she wants. "
"But, It was HIS life."
"HIS estate."
"His money."
"That was what he wanted."
"That's what he set up."- YoshiandAims
"NTA."
"She has moved on, and she should respect his wishes."
"Sorry for your loss."- tikanderoga
"NTA."
"You honored his final wishes for his funeral."
"That’s what you’re supposed to do, and you did it."- emorrigan
"NTA."
"I can’t imagine attending a funeral where I was not wanted by the person who died."- WilliamTindale8
"NTA."
"If she wants to blame him for his decision she can."
"It wasn't your decision."- extremely-randomish
"NTA."
"That was his final wish."
"You honored it."
"She lost that privilege when she asked for a divorce."- GoreGoddezz
"NTA."
"You honored his wishes."
"She just sucks!"
"And honestly, you can’t expect to be treated kindly when she left him because he wasn’t exciting enough while battling some serious health issues."
"It’s really lame of her, and I’m glad she got nothing!"
"I’m sorry for your loss."
"I pray you find peace and comfort during this difficult time."- When_nat_attacksss
"NTA."
"She can go say goodbye at his headstone."- xxSparkle_Tittiesxx
"NTA."
"She wanted the sympathy."
"And to play the saddest widow."- Future-Nebula74656
"NTA it was his wish and you upheld it."- Maleficent_Pay_4154
"NTA."
"Sounds like she wanted to save face at the funeral."
"She certainly didn’t care for him when he was alive."
"I’m so sorry for your loss."- CZFangirl
"NTA."
"You're fulfilling your duty in honoring your brother's wishes... sure, it feels cruel to her, but this is literally his will, not yours."
"Also, she is probably pissed that from her point of view she could have waited 6 months, shared in his wealth, and said goodbye on her own terms."
"What she's experiencing is called complicated grief."
"But unfortunately, she called it early, and it likely deeply hurt his feelings to the point of writing his will as such."
"Those are the consequences of her actions, and it's not up to you to settle their score or judge your brother's dying wishes."
"I'm sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with this fallout in addition."- RegulusPlus
"NTA."
"Of course not."
"He was within his rights to dictate his end-of-life requests."
"She made her decision to not be a part of his life long before."
"She doesn't get the right to be butt-hurt later."
"Ignore her and her pack of flying monkeys."
"Celebrate your brother and the fact that, in the end, he did right by those who loved him."
"He lives on in your memories and the legacy he created for your daughter."- InstructionTop4805
"You know you’re NTA."
"I’m sorry for your loss."- Jitalline
"NTA."
"Those are his choices to make, and those must be respected and carried out."
"F her, she only cared when she thought she might get some money."
"Who cares what she or her family says?"
"They aren’t your family."
"Block and move on."- PhillyChickInFL
"You have his wishes in writing?"
"Then NTA."- TararaBoomDA
"NTA."
"Nothing else needs to be said."- RecommendationUsed31
"NTA."
"Unlike her, you showed respect for your brother."
"Guess she learned what FAFO means."
"I can only imagine her at the funeral playing the grieving widow for sympathy."
"Better yet, I would've loved to be a fly on the wall when she found out he left her nothing!"- Otherwise-Wall-6950
It's understandable that the ex-wife of the OP's brother might feel hurt by this revelation.
Possibly as hurt as the OP was by how she left him to die relatively alone.
A decision that will now likely haunt her for the rest of her days...
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.