When we lose someone we love, one of our top priorities becomes preserving their legacy.
This means taking care of those they left behind not only as best we can, but as they would have wanted.
Not to mention fulfilling their wishes, both of the things they wished to do, or things they never got done.
Sometimes, however, this is complicated when people go against their last wishes and go out of their way to derail them.
Redditor AcadiaOk8697 had recently lost their brother.
When planning his funeral, the original poster (OP), made sure to strictly adhere to his will.
A will that wanted a significant figure from their late brother's life excluded from his funeral.
Wondering if adhering to this wish would be wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole", (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for honoring my deceased brother's wishes and not letting his estranged wife attend his funeral?"
The OP explained why their late brother's ex-wife was not welcome at his funeral:
"My brother recently passed away due to kidney failure."
"He has been dealing with kidney problems most of his adult life."
"About 6 months ago, his wife of 5 years said she wanted a divorce; she wasn't happy, she thinks she deserves to be happy and with someone exciting."
"My brother was a good earner and worked long hours; she was a stay-at-home wife."
"After his most recent bout of kidney issues, while in hospital, he made out his will (made sure she got [Sweet F*ck All], she was already seeing someone else) and he specified that he does NOT want her at his funeral."
"He passed about a month ago, and at his request, she was not allowed at the funeral (she did try though, and was not allowed in)."
"She has since called me 'heartless' and had a number of her family gang up on me and sending me messages etc."
"She was even angrier that he left her nothing, and had transferred his savings to me for my daughter's education."
"We haven't stopped her from visiting his grave (not like we can anyway), but as per his wishes, she was not allowed at the service."
"When he moved out, he took half of the joint savings account and left her with the rest."
"He was a good husband who worked and did his share of the housework, but she had the habit of taking off as soon as he got home from work rather than spend time with him."
"The house they lived in belongs to her parents."
"We live in Australia, a couple must be separated for 12 months before they can apply for a divorce."
"The money he left my daughter is sitting in an account and won’t be touched until all legal issues are sorted."
"So, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for banning their late brother's ex-wife from his funeral.
Everyone agreed that the OP was only honoring their brother's wishes, with many feeling that the OP's ex-wife did not want to attend the funeral to honor her late husband, but rather to bring attention to herself:
"NTA."
"You did what your brother requested. He made the will while he was aware."
"Block all calls and texts."
"I'm am truly sorry for your loss."
"I have 2 brothers, and I can't imagine the pain and sorrow."- According-You-844
"NTA."
"We all make choices, and she made hers."- LunchValuable3630
"NTA, they had been separated for six months, so that seems like a reasonable boundary for him to have."
"Not going to the funeral you & his family organized in no way stops her from having her own service if she would like to so she has the power to resolve her complaints."
"She lacks the power to override your brother's final wishes & is probably stung by his decision to exclude her from his will (again, reasonable given the context)."
"However, those are the consequences of her choices."
"I’m sure she’ll find someone else who is exciting to support her."- 2tiredforthis
"NTA, she can’t crawl back after leaving him out to dry."
"Also, clearly she is more angry about nothing being left to her."- Sherwood_RipCity
"NTA."
"You can’t have it both ways."
"She found someone new, they were in the process of getting divorced, and she’s upset he left her nothing?"- PravinI123
"NTA."
"I don't have to know the details beyond 'The Deceased's wishes'."
"That's all that matters."
"Period."
"It sucks that the executors, inheritors, etc, often deal with the brunt of pain/rage/trouble."
"But, when it's someone's explicit wishes, and you are in charge of seeing them out, you see them out."
"They cannot advocate for themselves anymore."
"'They can't see it, they won't know...' is a sh*t argument to me."
"Everyone's wishes, even if you don't agree, or, want it to be different, understand or not... even when painful, as long as it's legal, should be held up."
"It's the finality of the totality of their lives... they entrusted you."
"She can be mad at YOU all she wants."
"It changes nothing."
"It wasn't your call."
"She can disagree with his decisions all she wants. "
"But, It was HIS life."
"HIS estate."
"His money."
"That was what he wanted."
"That's what he set up."- YoshiandAims
"NTA."
"She has moved on, and she should respect his wishes."
"Sorry for your loss."- tikanderoga
"NTA."
"You honored his final wishes for his funeral."
"That’s what you’re supposed to do, and you did it."- emorrigan
"NTA."
"I can’t imagine attending a funeral where I was not wanted by the person who died."- WilliamTindale8
"NTA."
"If she wants to blame him for his decision she can."
"It wasn't your decision."- extremely-randomish
"NTA."
"That was his final wish."
"You honored it."
"She lost that privilege when she asked for a divorce."- GoreGoddezz
"NTA."
"You honored his wishes."
"She just sucks!"
"And honestly, you can’t expect to be treated kindly when she left him because he wasn’t exciting enough while battling some serious health issues."
"It’s really lame of her, and I’m glad she got nothing!"
"I’m sorry for your loss."
"I pray you find peace and comfort during this difficult time."- When_nat_attacksss
"NTA."
"She can go say goodbye at his headstone."- xxSparkle_Tittiesxx
"NTA."
"She wanted the sympathy."
"And to play the saddest widow."- Future-Nebula74656
"NTA it was his wish and you upheld it."- Maleficent_Pay_4154
"NTA."
"Sounds like she wanted to save face at the funeral."
"She certainly didn’t care for him when he was alive."
"I’m so sorry for your loss."- CZFangirl
"NTA."
"You're fulfilling your duty in honoring your brother's wishes... sure, it feels cruel to her, but this is literally his will, not yours."
"Also, she is probably pissed that from her point of view she could have waited 6 months, shared in his wealth, and said goodbye on her own terms."
"What she's experiencing is called complicated grief."
"But unfortunately, she called it early, and it likely deeply hurt his feelings to the point of writing his will as such."
"Those are the consequences of her actions, and it's not up to you to settle their score or judge your brother's dying wishes."
"I'm sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with this fallout in addition."- RegulusPlus
"NTA."
"Of course not."
"He was within his rights to dictate his end-of-life requests."
"She made her decision to not be a part of his life long before."
"She doesn't get the right to be butt-hurt later."
"Ignore her and her pack of flying monkeys."
"Celebrate your brother and the fact that, in the end, he did right by those who loved him."
"He lives on in your memories and the legacy he created for your daughter."- InstructionTop4805
"You know you’re NTA."
"I’m sorry for your loss."- Jitalline
"NTA."
"Those are his choices to make, and those must be respected and carried out."
"F her, she only cared when she thought she might get some money."
"Who cares what she or her family says?"
"They aren’t your family."
"Block and move on."- PhillyChickInFL
"You have his wishes in writing?"
"Then NTA."- TararaBoomDA
"NTA."
"Nothing else needs to be said."- RecommendationUsed31
"NTA."
"Unlike her, you showed respect for your brother."
"Guess she learned what FAFO means."
"I can only imagine her at the funeral playing the grieving widow for sympathy."
"Better yet, I would've loved to be a fly on the wall when she found out he left her nothing!"- Otherwise-Wall-6950
It's understandable that the ex-wife of the OP's brother might feel hurt by this revelation.
Possibly as hurt as the OP was by how she left him to die relatively alone.
A decision that will now likely haunt her for the rest of her days...
