Some people have trouble sharing opinions.
A lot of the time, people can feel disrespected if their thoughts aren't given enough consideration.
But opinions are just that... opinions, suggestions really.
Nothing is set in stone.
And some opinions don't always go over well.
Redditor RollLongjumping3937 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] that her opinion isn’t more important than mine?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So, a bit of context, I (24 F[eamle]) am getting married in September."
"I love that month since it’s kinda between summer-fall-ish."
"Anyway, my fiancée (29 M[ale]) proposed to me last December, on my birthday."
"I’ve met his family countless times, my future M[other]-I[n]-L[aw], F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw], and S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]."
"They are all very cordial and friendly."
"Well, this mess started when I began organizing my wedding, which is very tedious but really exciting."
"We hired a wedding planner to see how we could mix our tastes and hobbies."
"He’s a bit of a data-computer nerd in coding, I call him my little hacker, and he LOVES the Matrix movie, which I still haven’t seen."
"Anyway, we wanted to add little quirks whenever we could."
"Maybe some comp numbers and some Matrix references are hidden in between our wedding invitations and decorations."
"I am a fan of Breaking Bad, a nerd when it comes to the Oscar race movies since I was little, and Ariana Grande (I know)."
"It’s been SO fun to see how we can mix it all together."
"Well, last week, I invited over my mom, my future MIL, SIL, and both of my sisters to our 3rd wedding planner meeting."
"They saw all we had done and found it cute. "
"I made sure that those little things were hidden well enough to not be seen quickly, but could be pointed out."
"My SIL out of nowhere says that we should cut it, that it’s too 'tacky.'"
"My fiancé explains that we had both discussed it and loved the idea."
"She doubles down and says we should be 'more classy.'”
"Girl, I looked at her and said that these clues were not only hidden but would only appear on our wedding invitations."
"She looked at me so crazily."
"Like, she couldn’t believe I said that."
"She said she was just looking out for me."
"She went on to say that we shouldn’t have chocolate cake; it should be strawberry."
"How my dress shouldn’t be princess cut since it’s too 80s."
"How should I dye my hair brunette because it fits my face?"
"At some point, it started sounding like orders."
"I looked at her and said, well… everything you just said I should change, I really like, so it’s staying. period."
"I think it would’ve been better if I had cursed her out."
"She didn’t speak again, but by the end of the meeting she pulled my partner aside and, according to him, demanded that I 'respected' her more and her opinions, since her dream has always been to plan a wedding and I would be her future sister, so I should not 'place her aside.'"
"What? I mean, maybe?"
"She’s like super offended right now, and my partner suggested that I should maybe apologize."
"At first I was like there’s NO WAY!"
"I will not, but I'm prone to act a little immature, and I wondered if I actually went too far."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the A**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"You handled it better than I would have."
"Her dream is just that, HER dream, not your responsibility or obligation."
"If anybody needs to apologize, it's her. NTA." ~ Paul-Kersey
"She gets to plan a wedding however she wants--when it's HER OWN wedding."
"And when she does, she can be classy AF and not wear a princess dress and make zero Matrix references."
"But the number one thing that matters when planning someone else's wedding is what they want for their wedding."
"She's a doofus." ~ StWiborada
"NTA, but your fiancé really should be the one to handle his sister."
"It’s his wedding too, and he is letting her sh*t all over it and disrespect you."
"ETA, thank you for the awards!" ~ fIumpf
"Exactly!"
"Your husband-to-be has the opportunity to start things off on the right foot by realizing that he should be the primary handler of difficult situations with HIS family, and you, OP, should be the one to handle them with yours."
"But first, you have to get onto the same page with each other."
"The message your fiancé needs to hear is that his sister will have her own wedding to plan, that this is YOUR wedding that the two of you are planning according to YOUR preferences and no one else's, and that you will not be interfering in her wedding plans when the time comes."
"The fiancé needs to let the sister know that she needs to take a step back and that SHE needs to find a way to be less critical and pushy with his wife-to-be, since YOU are the bride and he wants you to feel welcomed into the family."
"This should NOT be a competition, and if it were, the bride ranks higher than the sister of the groom, so she needs to settle down and find her place. NTA."
"I wouldn’t involve her in any further discussions about wedding plans."
"She has lost her perspective, and your husband-to-be will need to help her find it or at least stay out of the way."
"ETA: Thank you for the kind award, anonymous Redditor." ~ NeatNefariousness1
"Yes, but as long as he handles her by putting his fiancée first!! !"
"And telling the sister to back the hell off."
"That she can fulfill all her dreams when she plans her own wedding, but the wedding is about him and his fiancée, and so it’s their dreams and preferences that count."
"Bit concerned that his telling OP to apologize means he may be a bit of a pushover when it comes to the sister." ~ Duhallower
"Oh no, no, no. That is CREEPY."
"Sounds like she wants to marry her own brother, making YOU look like HER!"
"Fiancé needs to talk to his sister and stop her disrespectful behavior towards you."
"Shut her down, as she has no say in your wedding plans."
"Do not include her in any further planning sessions."
"Password-protect all venues and vendors. Discuss nothing with her."
"If she’s so keen on wedding planning, he can suggest sister plan her own because she’s not involved in planning yours!
"NTA." ~ MizPeachyKeen
"Um, my best friend had a fully Doctor Who themed wedding (there were life-sized cutouts of David Tennant, the cake had fondant figures of all The Doctor’s enemies, and the bridesmaids’ bouquets were built around sonic screwdrivers) and it was AWESOME."
"Unforgettable day and totally representative of the couple, as a wedding should be. NTA." ~ Cha_r_ley
"Well, when she gets married, she can plan her own wedding."
"Yours is already getting planned - by you and your fiancé, who really needs to tell his sister to step back. NTA." ~ Fourty2KnightsofNi
"NTA. Whose wedding is this, anyway?"
"Certainly not hers."
"Your response was perfect, and your partner should be telling her to apologize for making this about her."
"Also, you should watch The Matrix."
"10/10. Would recommend." ~ CynicalGirl_043
"NTA. It is not her place to make rude and disparaging comments about YOUR wedding."
"You have the right to do whatever you want on your special day (also, incorporating The Matrix sounds so fun!)."
"I'm disappointed to hear that your partner didn't back you up and is suggesting you apologize."
"I hope this isn't a regular thing with him because making a habit of choosing his relatives over you will only cause more problems in the future." ~ Dear_Comfort_4044
"Your fiancé needs to set boundaries and prioritize YOU."
"No apology for his sister."
"She needs to apologize to you and no more inviting her to any planning."
"If your fiancé won’t prioritize you and stand up for you, don’t marry him."
"You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of being scapegoated and disrespected." ~ Silent-Friendship860
"So she came in, sh*t all over your ideas and plans for YOUR OWN WEDDING, and then she got offended that you were offended by her atrocious behavior?!?"
"NTA, and if you apologize to her, she'll keep doing it for the rest of your married life." ~ txgrl308
OP came back with an Update...
"As we were having breakfast, I told him that it didn’t feel great how he told me I should apologize for setting boundaries on our wedding."
"He said he understood and his sister was definitely in the wrong, but that she’s too 'sensitive' and can take things very badly."
"He said he could talk to her if I didn’t want to, but I'll have the rest of my life dealing with her, so I just thought… I need to learn how to handle her this early... lol."
"So yes, I call her, and I begin by asking how she was."
"I kid you not, she immediately responded with 'I thought you called me to apologize.'”
"Girl, excuse me?"
"I fully said, 'Well, no. I’m calling to thank you for your suggestions, but I’m sticking with what I chose.”'
"Bruh. Hell. It was giving a temper tantrum."
"She said, 'I’m only trying to help, it’s like stopping a future car crash, you know?'
" 😐 I hung up."
"I told my fiancé, and he agreed that what she said was messed up."
"She began calling him non-stop, which I think is crazy, but he’s ignoring her."
"Her text messages to HIM are like 'What did she tell you?'”
"'Are you ignoring me?'”
“'She got the wrong idea.'”
“'I’m your sister. 😭😭.'"
Wow... that is a lot to process.
So sorry you have to deal with this while trying to plan your special day, OP.
Reddit is with you. It's your wedding, not hers.
You do you with all the fun Easter eggs you want to include. We're here for it!
Future sister-in-law might just opinion herself right out of an invitation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp