Globally, the percentage of cars with manual transmissions—the kind that requires the driver to manually shift engine gears—is declining rapidly. Estimates are it's between 30% – 40% of new car sales, with wide variations from region to region.
Europe still has around 32% of new car sales being manuals, while the U.S. has fewer than 1%.
A man with a manual car he loves turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Sweatypines asked:
"AITA for getting upset that my partner is making me give up my sports car because she can't drive a manual transmission?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (31, male) and my partner (28, female) are expecting our first child next year."
"I currently drive a 5 door sedan sports car with a manual transmission. It's my pride and joy and, ever since I was a kid, I have wanted a car like this and it's really the only 'nice' thing I have."
"My partner can not drive a manual and, instead of letting me teach her, she said that we need to get rid of it so we each have a car that we can both drive in case of an emergency. My partner has a Holden/Chevy Trax SUV."
"I totally understand and agree with the logic behind it, but I can't understand why she won't learn to drive manual. I am in Australia, where once you are fully licensed, you can drive either. Well in New South Wales at least."
"If you tested on an automatic, you get a restricted automatic license until you retake the test on a manual to get fully licensed. If you tested on a manual, you get fully licensed to drive both without a separate test."
"I have confirmed on forums and Facebook groups that a baby seat can fit in the back of my car just fine and the boot/trunk space is big enough for a pram/stroller."
"The sacrifices she is going through to have our baby both mentally and physically are not lost on me and I am so incredibly proud of her. Maybe I just need a different perspective."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"Am I the a**hole for getting upset at my pregnant partner because she is making me give up my sports car?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided there were no a**holes here (NAH).
"NAH with caveats."
"I don't think it's unreasonable that OP's partner doesn't want to learn stick. It's really not a relevant skill today (in countries where automatic transmission is the norm, and has been for a long time)."
"I also don't think OP should have to give up his car just because his partner wants them each to be able to drive each other's cars."
"HOWEVER:"
"OP needs to make sure his partner's car doesn't become the de facto family car. That might be part of why OP's partner wants him to get rid of his car: right now, he drives a sports car, his 'pride and joy', and it's not intended to be a family vehicle."
"OP's partner drives an SUV."
"One of those is going to fit a car seat and hold a stroller and diaper bag and all the other paraphernalia of infant care much more easily than the other. I'm betting OP's partner doesn't want their car to become the default family car, while OP gets to have a nice car to himself."
"A common struggle for a lot of new parents is that mom just becomes mom - everything in their life ends up revolving around motherhood. Gifts end up being for baby or for household in general instead of for them. When they have time to 'themselves' they're still expected to be reachable even though there's another 'on duty' parent. Things like that."
"Meanwhile, dad still gets a life separate from fatherhood. OP's kid isn't even born yet, and already this trap is forming."
"This is all speaking in generalities of course, and is just my opinion on why this might be such a big deal to OP's partner." ~ Swirlyflurry
"I don't know a single multiple car family that doesn't have a default 'kid' car. You could literally drive identical cars, one will be the default." ~ bikerchickelly
"Pregnancy is also not the ideal time to learn a new skill. Maybe it was just me, but I had bad pregnancy brain and my brain felt like Swiss cheese sometimes."
"I love, love, love to read but just wanted to watch mindless procedural shows while pregnant. I was so exhausted all the time that grocery shopping felt like climbing Everest."
"When I got home, all I wanted to do was zone out, and most of my productivity got sucked up by nesting."
"Learning a new skill that I wasn't personally invested in would have felt like a huge burden, and I probably would have been super emotional about every time I got something wrong." ~ Music_withRocks_In
"IF OP wants to keep the non-shareable car, they need to buy a 2nd car seat and install it in the sports car. Swapping seats back and forth is a pain in the a**, and not having to do so makes it more likely that his car will also sometimes be used for the kid." ~ Frosty-Business-6042
"NAH. You're not in the wrong for wanting to keep it, especially with it being a 4-door, it's not like it's a 2-seater Porsche or something."
"She's also not in the wrong though for preferring a vehicle she would be more comfortable driving, especially if she will only be driving it in an emergency-type situation, it only makes sense she wouldn't want to be distracted by anything, like using a clutch she isn't accustomed to."
"Sounds like you guys need to have an adult conversation and find a middle ground for some level of compromise." ~ Paul-Kersey
"I was in the exact situation as OP. OP is starting a family and it's time to make some compromises. Get the same car but without a stick shift. Or something else you will enjoy that isn't a manual."
"It sounds like a manual transmission car isn't practical anymore with the current family situation. But that doesn't mean driving a boring car." ~ ozziegt
"In my opinion, this one is a toss-up. You are NTA for wanting to keep the car, but it is also reasonable that your wife is not willing to learn manual during such a stressful stage of life."
"It might seem easy to you, but it sounds like it is very intimidating for her. The last thing she needs now, or during the next several years, is an extra challenge. It might be worth running the numbers about whether two cars are possible, or finding an automatic car that still fits your taste well enough."
"I like to say that once I had kids, they became both my job and my hobby. I still squeeze some things in where I can, but kids need as much quality time and attention from you as they can get." ~ Reddit
"If OP keeps his vehicle, he needs to treat it like a family car. That means using his car even if putting the car seat in is annoying and takes longer than just borrowing her vehicle. It also means accepting all the baby/toddler messes that come with kids."
"OP would he an a** if he tried to make her SUV the go-to vehicle that they use as a family. He doesn't get to try and protect his car by primarily using hers so hers is the one that ends up messy. He can keep his car, BUT he cannot keep it as a hobby car when he has a kid."
"If he isn't prepared to risk milk vomit, explosive diarrhea, goldfish crumbs, and moderate art vandalism to his vehicle...he should sell it now while it's still unscathed." ~ thoughtandprayer
"His fun car has room to be the family car too. Just make sure both cars have baby seats in them. When he's driving, they take his car. When she's driving, she takes hers."
"Those who don't drive manual don't understand the appeal it has to those who can. They need to come to an agreement that works for both." ~ Scrapper-Mom
"OMG, this breaks my heart to say because I have a manual car that is my pride and joy, but dude, you are about to create a family."
"The pride and joy car thing might have to take a backseat for a while. Family comes first." ~ La-matya-vin
"NAH. But with that in mind, your life is changing and having a second car that your wife may need to drive for whatever reason isn't an unreasonable thought."
"Expecting her to learn to drive manual AND retake her driving test to get a license that allows her to drive you 'pride and joy' during this period of her life, though, is not only stressful, but it simply is something that many people would never do."
"And for the amount of time she would use it—never, unless in an emergency—it doesn't sound like the kind of thing I would want someone to do while panicked or with no experience in driving it for years."
"I don't think her request is unreasonable, people make sacrifices all the time when they're making a life with a partner and family in mind rather than just themselves." ~ Prestigious_Scars
The OP provided a small update:
"Thank you all for all of the responses, it is honestly overwhelming and I did not expect this kind of response, so thank you for all of the advice and points of view I did not even think about."
"I have a lot to think about, but at the end of the day the family comes first."
While the OP hasn't come to a decision yet, they have plenty of new perspectives to ponder.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp