As children grow up, parents have highly different views of what they owe their children, and what their children owe them.
Many parents have no trouble financially supporting their children through adulthood.
Others, however, force their children to learn self-sufficency from a very young age.
More often than not, taking their children by surprise.
Redditor Aggravating-Oil2918 was recently rewarded with a substantial financial gift after completing a notable achievement.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP) found the that money had been more or less confiscated by her parents.
While the OP confronted her parents about this, they countered her by saying this money was "owed" to them.
Frustrated and confused by the whole situation, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole (AIATA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for getting mad at my parents for using the money my grandma gave me for graduation?"
The OP explained why a sum of money ended up coming between her and her parents:
"I (23 F[emale]) have just graduated from university."
"I've always had a close relationship with my grandma and she has given me roughly $1.4k (converted to USD) upon graduation as a gift."
"As she isn't really good with tech, she gave my dad cash."
"My dad said he'll keep it in his account for the time being."
"Yesterday I asked for the money as I had something I wanted to buy."
"My dad told me he has spent it and has nothing to give me at the moment."
"I know $1.4k isn't a large sum of money but I currently have no income so it would really help me right now."
"And what pisses me off the most is that he didn't even think of asking me before using my money."
"I had a huge fight with my parents but they think I'm being ungrateful as they've spent most of the money on me anyways (living expenses, education etc.)"
"Right now I feel like my trust has been broken by the two people I trusted the most."
"I used to study abroad so since I have graduated now, I am currently staying at home with my parents, which makes things a lot more complicated."
"Many of you advised me to tell my grandma about this, which I did."
"But she isn't bothered by it as my parents claimed that all the money went to paying for my education etc."
"I demanded to have less than a third of the money returned by tomorrow."
"My dad said he had no money, and if he had to pay me, he would have to sell his last gold bar."
"I'm applying for masters this year, and my parents were gonna sponsor me."
"But now, my dad is threatening not to do so anymore since I'm demanding my money back."
"Also, I'm from an Asian country, where being 'filial' is highly important, so I don't know if that changes the context."
"I'm also wondering if I can take out a student loan in the US as a foreign students to pay for my tuition if my dad does withdraw his offer?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community, for the most part, agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for getting mad at her parents.
Most agreed that the OP's parents had no right to spend that money, which was gifted specifically to her by her grandmother, with many pointing out that their behavior could be considered theft:
"NTA."
"Your dad stole from you."
"Of course you're NTA."- DogsReadingBooks
"NTA."
"$1400 ain't chicken feed."
"Not where I'm from."- death_by_chocolate
"NTA."
"But I would tell him that you want it by xxx date and no later."
"Have you by any chance told Grandma yet?"
"I wonder if she'll give him the kick up the a** he needs."- OldBoyShenanigans
"NTA."
"Dad didn't have to use your money."
"What would he have done if it hadn't been there?"- JulsTiger10
"NTA."
"Your parents quite literally stole your grandmother's graduation gift from you."- Individual_Ad_9213
"NTA."
"Your dad stole your graduation gift."
"Tell him if he doesn't give it back in xx days, you'll notify grandma."- Heavy-Equipment8389
"NTA."
"It was never their money to spend."
"Disgusting behavior."- mu5tbetheone
"NTA."
"I'd tell your grandma that your dad stole every single cent she gave you."
"Not because she'll give you more money, but so that she knows to tell him to f*ck off if he ever asks her for money for anything."- JenninMiami
"NTA."
"Your father committed breach of trust, which is a literal crime in a lot of places."- RedRunner04
"NTA."
"Understandably, you're upset. The money was meant as a personal gift to celebrate your achievement."
"Your parents may have good intentions, but using it without asking breaks trust."
"You're not ungrateful for wanting what was given to you."- Pretend-Gap9156
"NTA."
"But you are getting terrible advice here."
"Your parents have supported you through your education and will do so for your next course."
"This isn't cheap, so calling the police or playing hardball really isn't a good idea for you."
"You'll lose far more money."
"You may just have to suck it up and take it as a lesson learned about your parents."
"If they needed or wanted the money to fund your education, then they should have discussed it with you first."
"Remember everything else that they are doing for you and try to put it aside."-Dbx9935
There were a few, however, who felt there was something to be learned by both the OP and her parent, feeling her parents did have a point about having spent a good deal of money on her, but still feeling they shouldn't have spent her money without talking with her about it first:
"ESH."
"Everyone here is telling you to call the cops, like it wouldn't have blowback."
"Best case being you get the money with your parents being mildly shitty with their new criminal record."
"Worst case, they disown and kick you out, and you're begging grandma to take you in."
"Parents suck for using your money hard to judge how much because they claim to have used it for well you."
"You haven't refuted that, and he hasn't said he will never pay you back."
"Grandma might have to reeducate her son and needs to update her banking skills."
"This situation would have been avoided if you had visited her more."
"You're 23, jobless, probably have college debt, and living rent-free with your parents."
"I'm also questioning your close grandma relationship if you already spending the money in your mind without even considering spending it on grandma in anyway."
"You got a lot adulting to do and fast."- DoinFine2
"Your dad certainly should have informed you, but I want to give some perspective for people who say parents are obliged to provide the necessities of life and education."
"University is often not part of that obligation, and graduate school most certainly isn't."
"OP said she studied abroad, and she seems to be talking about the US by default, so I'm assuming she went to university there."
"As an international student, that's roughly $160k USD in tuition alone, $240k USD when living and other expenses are included."
"For self-funded master's degree, add another $100k USD in tuition alone."
"Now, I don't know how your parents plan on funding your master's studies if your dad only has a single gold bar to his name so I assume that part's just hyperbole."
"However, in most countries, your parents weren't really obliged to fund your university studies, and they're certainly not obliged to fund your master's."
"Most people who go to graduate school are expected to be independent adults and either fund it from their own savings, or get an assistantship which usually comes with a tuition waiver and stipend."
"ESH."
"What your dad did is still really disrespectful, but $1.4k is absolutely spare change compared to the amount of money that you were planning to ask him for."
"You're raising hell over $1.4k while simultaneously planning to ask your parents to give you another $100k, for a luxury that parents are generally not expected to have to pay for."
"By all means, distance yourself from your family if you want, but you shouldn't be asking for any more free money."- LHPSU
The OP is indeed in a luckier situation than most, having parents who were willing and able to pay for her education.
Even so, rather than spend the money gifted to her by her grandmother, the OP's parents could have urged her to use that money as a way to get started in life.
At the end of the day, though, all this could have been avoided with a simple conversation.
Hopefully, these problems can be solved that way instead.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp