It’s summertime, so everyone is gearing up for the fun.
But summertime fun comes with caveats.
Not every activity is safe.
Swimming can be a lethal activity.
But there are ways to make sure drowning doesn’t happen.
Redditor nitwhitts wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to open my pool without a safety gate?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“This has been a matter of contention for three years between myself (F[eamle] 36) and my partner (M[ale] 47).”
“He inherited his family home 3 years ago, which includes a large 20×40 foot pool with a 10’ deep end.”
“The sliding glass door in the kitchen opens directly onto the pool area.”
“For context, we have two kids together, ages 5 and 3, and I brought three of my own into the relationship, 11, 12 and 17.”
“Since we moved in, I have said the pool needs to be fenced in.”
“The backyard itself is fenced in, so homeowners insurance grants a policy.”
“But there is no gate/fence/anything between the house and the pool.”
“The slider also grants access to our detached garage, which holds his office, and my oldest son’s workshop.”
“So the slider is utilized multiple times daily.”
“Years one and two, I got child-safe sliding door locks and alarms, trying to force everyone to go out the front door and around the house to access the garage.”
“It didn’t work.”
“Partner would still utilize the sliding door.”
“Older kids would go out that door to access the garage.”
“Even forcing everyone out the front door isn’t fool-safe because a younger kid can still run around the house, through the garage, or gate.”
“Drownings happen fast.”
“I get told, ‘Just watch them.'”
“Yes, obviously.”
“The youngest two are also in year two of swim lessons.”
“I don’t feel comfortable without a gated pool, bottom line.”
“Here is my AITA? question.”
“This summer, I’m refusing to open the pool until a six-foot fence with a locking gate is installed around the entire pool. My older kids are giving me grief that I’m ruining their summer.”
“Partner has said he doesn’t have time to install a fence, but won’t hire anyone because no one can do anything as good as he can. #sarcasm.”
“Family is upset they can’t come swim.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, but I grew up in a desert state where kids drown in pools every year.”
“You tried to come up with a system you were comfortable with, and nobody in the family stuck to it.”
“They are constantly prioritizing their personal convenience above the safety of the younger two.”
“Partner and the kids can spend a weekend putting up the fence you want to get their pool privileges back.”
“If they don’t have time to do a super nice one to partner’s standards, there are plenty of temporary options that will secure the perimeter and can be removed in a few years when everyone’s a bit older.” ~ JeepersCreepers74
“NTA. Hubby’s had 3 years and couldn’t get it done?”
“That’s on him.” ~ Honey_Wooden
“NTA but you’re a big girl, you can call and hire someone to put up a fence.”
“You don’t actually need your husband to do it.” ~ Pretty_Goblin11
“NTA. Hold firm on this one.”
“Drowning is the #1 cause of death for children ages 1 – 4.”
“It only takes a few minutes for a kid to be out the door, in the pool, and over their head, and it’s going to be impossible for you to watch both the 3-year-old and the 5-year-old all the time – it is unrealistic for anyone to suggest that.”
“Tell them to watch the kids for six hours and track how many times one of them is not in sight.”
“Tell your older kids to ask their dad for a time when they can put up a fence together, or how they can start working on it while he’s not there.”
“Make it your husband’s problem until he gets it fixed.”
“https://www.cdc.gov/vitalsigns/drowning/index.html “~ Infinite-Cat-Peep
“NTA in any shape or form.”
“My I[n]-L[aw]’s refused to put a safety gate around their pool.”
“They thought I was ridiculous on insisting on safety vests even during BBQs until they were playing with him by the pool and he fell in.”
“Did I mention they can’t swim?”
“My son is fine because I don’t mind being a PITA when it comes to his safety.”
“Don’t back down on this.”
“It’s not worth it.” ~ HowlPen
“A toddler in my hometown drowned in less than a foot of water.”
“It only took a couple of minutes.”
“Afterwards everyone asked why the little pond was not fenced in.”
“Good on you that you are not waiting for ‘afterward’. NTA.” ~ starfish
“NTA, your partner is being stubborn.”
“Tell anyone who complains that their summer swimming pool is not worth dead children.” ~ MarionberryPlus8474
“NTA. You’ve waited an extremely reasonable period and tried a different solution.”
“Print out and Post a new story every day on the slider to the back door about a child drowning.”
“Read it out loud at dinner if no one wants to look at it.”
“Bonus points if it includes quotes from the parents about their devastation and cautions to other parents.” ~ RobotOrchid
“NTA. As you said – drownings happen fast.”
“And they often happen quietly.”
‘With such little ones in the house, I’d be insistent on some kind of safety measure here.”
“Just bring someone out and have them give you an estimate.”
“Should you ever sell your house down the line, that fencing will add to the value.” ~ Discount_Mithral
“NTA: but did you see the most recent story on that influencer where her son died by drowning in their backyard pool with no gate.”
“Not blaming them, but something to show your husband.” ~ Unlikely_Carpenter26
“NTA. It’s illegal in Australia not to have your pool fenced and gated with a safety gate.”
“You’re right.”
“Drowning is fast and often silent.”
“Anyone can drown for so many different reasons.”
“You cannot constantly watch your children and nor should you need to in the (what should be) safety of your own home.”
“Tell your husband you’re hiring someone or heck, start doing it yourself and get the older kids to help.”
“The sooner they help you get that fence and gate up, the sooner they can swim.” ~ Fabulous-Search6974
“NTA. Drownings are fast and they’re quiet.”
“A drowning child isn’t splashing and screaming at the surface, they just sink.” ~ Madscurr
“NTA toddlers and children drown EVERY SUMMER!!!”
“Don’t be part of the statistic.” ~ The_Last_Regularr
“I would die on this hill.”
“No fence no pool. NTA.” ~ TapFuture
OP came back to share…
“To address the elephant in the room, yes my financial situation sucks.”
“No, I can not just call a contractor to come to install a fence because I don’t make the money here and it feels rude of me to say ‘Hey Joe is coming over to install a fence, lemme get 4k.’”
“Oh, and as many of you pointed out, it’s not ‘my’ house – I only live here and raise my kids.”
“So realistically, I have no say, right? #sarcasmagain”
“No, I can’t ‘just write a check’ because it’s not my checkbook, I have no idea what’s in any of the accounts.”
“I know bills get paid, kids get what they need, and the note on my vehicle is paid every month.”
“He’s a bit out of touch with what groceries cost, so I don’t get tons for that, but I do manage to squirrel some money away for a rainy day fund.”
“My first marriage taught me that much.”
“But, I’ve brought it up a thousand times. ‘What would I do if you died tomorrow?’”
“And the reply is ‘that’s not happening.’”
“His dad died unexpectedly, and his mom will never have to worry a day in her life because his dad set her up well.”
“I bring this up often.”
“I bring up how if he crashes his dirtbike tomorrow, I wouldn’t even be allowed to visit him in the hospital because I’m not next of kin.”
“He lives in this world of anxiety-free ‘won’t happen to me.'”
“Besides his dad dying, nothing bad has ever happened to him in life.”
“It’s hard because I am Anxiety 101.”
“But it’s also hard seeing my older kids suffer with THEIR father, and seeing what shuffling between households does to them.”
“My partner is GOOD to my older kids.”
“He shows up.”
“He loves them, they love him.”
“So for now, I bide my time, and I wait until it makes more sense to change things.”
“Because I’m NOT ruining my kid’s lives again just because I can’t spend money that isn’t mine or have my name on properties that were acquired before he even knew me.”
“My kids live a cushy lifestyle, and they have no clue that anything’s amiss.”
“Besides their pool being unopened.”
“Call me a martyr.”
“Part of me believes he thinks handling the money is ‘manly,’ and he’s sparing me the stress of the bills and making it all work.”
“It feels less malicious, and more that he’s just a simple dirt working blue collar man.”
“Because when I met him, I was a single mom working two jobs 60 hours a week and stress was my middle name.”
“So he takes on all that to give me a break but doesn’t realize the loss of control is hell on me.”
“And now I’m on a tangent so I’m done.”
“Thank you for the insight, Reddit, I’ll be learning how to operate an auger and drilling my own dang holes for a fence.”
Well, that is all a lot to take in, OP.
You may want to consider getting into family counseling.
Your children’s lives are at stake.
Your husband may not be malicious but he does sound a bit clueless.
Safety first!!!
Good Luck.