It's summertime, so everyone is gearing up for the fun.
But summertime fun comes with caveats.
Not every activity is safe.
Swimming can be a lethal activity.
But there are ways to make sure drowning doesn't happen.
Redditor nitwhitts wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to open my pool without a safety gate?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"This has been a matter of contention for three years between myself (F[eamle] 36) and my partner (M[ale] 47)."
"He inherited his family home 3 years ago, which includes a large 20x40 foot pool with a 10' deep end."
"The sliding glass door in the kitchen opens directly onto the pool area."
"For context, we have two kids together, ages 5 and 3, and I brought three of my own into the relationship, 11, 12 and 17."
"Since we moved in, I have said the pool needs to be fenced in."
"The backyard itself is fenced in, so homeowners insurance grants a policy."
"But there is no gate/fence/anything between the house and the pool."
"The slider also grants access to our detached garage, which holds his office, and my oldest son's workshop."
"So the slider is utilized multiple times daily."
"Years one and two, I got child-safe sliding door locks and alarms, trying to force everyone to go out the front door and around the house to access the garage."
"It didn't work."
"Partner would still utilize the sliding door."
"Older kids would go out that door to access the garage."
"Even forcing everyone out the front door isn't fool-safe because a younger kid can still run around the house, through the garage, or gate."
"Drownings happen fast."
"I get told, 'Just watch them.'"
"Yes, obviously."
"The youngest two are also in year two of swim lessons."
"I don't feel comfortable without a gated pool, bottom line."
"Here is my AITA? question."
"This summer, I'm refusing to open the pool until a six-foot fence with a locking gate is installed around the entire pool. My older kids are giving me grief that I'm ruining their summer."
"Partner has said he doesn't have time to install a fence, but won't hire anyone because no one can do anything as good as he can. #sarcasm."
"Family is upset they can't come swim."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, but I grew up in a desert state where kids drown in pools every year."
"You tried to come up with a system you were comfortable with, and nobody in the family stuck to it."
"They are constantly prioritizing their personal convenience above the safety of the younger two."
"Partner and the kids can spend a weekend putting up the fence you want to get their pool privileges back."
"If they don't have time to do a super nice one to partner's standards, there are plenty of temporary options that will secure the perimeter and can be removed in a few years when everyone's a bit older." ~ JeepersCreepers74
"NTA. Hubby's had 3 years and couldn't get it done?"
"That's on him." ~ Honey_Wooden
"NTA but you're a big girl, you can call and hire someone to put up a fence."
"You don't actually need your husband to do it." ~ Pretty_Goblin11
"NTA. Hold firm on this one."
"Drowning is the #1 cause of death for children ages 1 - 4."
"It only takes a few minutes for a kid to be out the door, in the pool, and over their head, and it's going to be impossible for you to watch both the 3-year-old and the 5-year-old all the time - it is unrealistic for anyone to suggest that."
"Tell them to watch the kids for six hours and track how many times one of them is not in sight."
"Tell your older kids to ask their dad for a time when they can put up a fence together, or how they can start working on it while he's not there."
"Make it your husband's problem until he gets it fixed."
"https://www.cdc.gov/vitalsigns/drowning/index.html "~ Infinite-Cat-Peep
"NTA in any shape or form."
"My I[n]-L[aw]'s refused to put a safety gate around their pool."
"They thought I was ridiculous on insisting on safety vests even during BBQs until they were playing with him by the pool and he fell in."
"Did I mention they can't swim?"
"My son is fine because I don't mind being a PITA when it comes to his safety."
"Don't back down on this."
"It's not worth it." ~ HowlPen
"A toddler in my hometown drowned in less than a foot of water."
"It only took a couple of minutes."
"Afterwards everyone asked why the little pond was not fenced in."
"Good on you that you are not waiting for 'afterward'. NTA." ~ starfish
"NTA, your partner is being stubborn."
"Tell anyone who complains that their summer swimming pool is not worth dead children." ~ MarionberryPlus8474
"NTA. You've waited an extremely reasonable period and tried a different solution."
"Print out and Post a new story every day on the slider to the back door about a child drowning."
"Read it out loud at dinner if no one wants to look at it."
"Bonus points if it includes quotes from the parents about their devastation and cautions to other parents." ~ RobotOrchid
"NTA. As you said - drownings happen fast."
"And they often happen quietly."
'With such little ones in the house, I'd be insistent on some kind of safety measure here."
"Just bring someone out and have them give you an estimate."
"Should you ever sell your house down the line, that fencing will add to the value." ~ Discount_Mithral
"NTA: but did you see the most recent story on that influencer where her son died by drowning in their backyard pool with no gate."
"Not blaming them, but something to show your husband." ~ Unlikely_Carpenter26
"NTA. It's illegal in Australia not to have your pool fenced and gated with a safety gate."
"You're right."
"Drowning is fast and often silent."
"Anyone can drown for so many different reasons."
"You cannot constantly watch your children and nor should you need to in the (what should be) safety of your own home."
"Tell your husband you're hiring someone or heck, start doing it yourself and get the older kids to help."
"The sooner they help you get that fence and gate up, the sooner they can swim." ~ Fabulous-Search6974
"NTA. Drownings are fast and they're quiet."
"A drowning child isn't splashing and screaming at the surface, they just sink." ~ Madscurr
"NTA toddlers and children drown EVERY SUMMER!!!"
"Don't be part of the statistic." ~ The_Last_Regularr
"I would die on this hill."
"No fence no pool. NTA." ~ TapFuture
OP came back to share...
"To address the elephant in the room, yes my financial situation sucks."
"No, I can not just call a contractor to come to install a fence because I don't make the money here and it feels rude of me to say 'Hey Joe is coming over to install a fence, lemme get 4k.'"
"Oh, and as many of you pointed out, it's not 'my' house - I only live here and raise my kids."
"So realistically, I have no say, right? #sarcasmagain"
"No, I can't 'just write a check' because it's not my checkbook, I have no idea what's in any of the accounts."
"I know bills get paid, kids get what they need, and the note on my vehicle is paid every month."
"He's a bit out of touch with what groceries cost, so I don't get tons for that, but I do manage to squirrel some money away for a rainy day fund."
"My first marriage taught me that much."
"But, I've brought it up a thousand times. 'What would I do if you died tomorrow?'"
"And the reply is 'that's not happening.'"
"His dad died unexpectedly, and his mom will never have to worry a day in her life because his dad set her up well."
"I bring this up often."
"I bring up how if he crashes his dirtbike tomorrow, I wouldn't even be allowed to visit him in the hospital because I'm not next of kin."
"He lives in this world of anxiety-free 'won't happen to me.'"
"Besides his dad dying, nothing bad has ever happened to him in life."
"It's hard because I am Anxiety 101."
"But it's also hard seeing my older kids suffer with THEIR father, and seeing what shuffling between households does to them."
"My partner is GOOD to my older kids."
"He shows up."
"He loves them, they love him."
"So for now, I bide my time, and I wait until it makes more sense to change things."
"Because I'm NOT ruining my kid's lives again just because I can't spend money that isn't mine or have my name on properties that were acquired before he even knew me."
"My kids live a cushy lifestyle, and they have no clue that anything's amiss."
"Besides their pool being unopened."
"Call me a martyr."
"Part of me believes he thinks handling the money is 'manly,' and he's sparing me the stress of the bills and making it all work."
"It feels less malicious, and more that he's just a simple dirt working blue collar man."
"Because when I met him, I was a single mom working two jobs 60 hours a week and stress was my middle name."
"So he takes on all that to give me a break but doesn't realize the loss of control is hell on me."
"And now I'm on a tangent so I'm done."
"Thank you for the insight, Reddit, I'll be learning how to operate an auger and drilling my own dang holes for a fence."
Well, that is all a lot to take in, OP.
You may want to consider getting into family counseling.
Your children's lives are at stake.
Your husband may not be malicious but he does sound a bit clueless.
Safety first!!!
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp