Jokes between friends are all well and good, until one person takes the joke way too far.
A Redditor found himself in this situation with a coworker, who kept joking so much about him being her "baby daddy" that people at work started asking if he actually was the father.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by maybetoofar_1 on the site, wasn't sure about how he'd handled the situation, so he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
OP asked:
"AITA for getting mad at friend who keeps joking that her baby is mine?"
He explained:
"I (23M[ale]) work at this small shop and I've known my friend Addy for almost 2 years. She likes to joke that we're work spouses because we always work the same shifts and get along. Addy doesn't say it all the time so it didn't bother me before."
"She got pregnant 5 months ago and I guess she's planning on doing it on her own. But a couple months ago she started making jokes that I'm her baby's daddy. First time she made a joke we were in the break room."
"Her feet were really tired and she wanted the good chair we have in there with the comfy cushion. I was already sitting there and she said something like 'Bitch move your baby mama needs that seat.' Btw 'bitch' isn't a big deal since we talk to eachother like that sometimes. I looked at her because I was confused."
"I took it as she was joking so I told her to shut up because that baby isn't mine. Addy made a few more jokes like that or asking me to make myself useful to help her with stuff at work because she's carrying my kid. She's only made a few of these around me and I've told her to stop bullshi**ing."
"One time I was closing up with my coworker and she goes 'hey so is it true then?' Then she says she thought we were just messing around but that Addy was saying we hooked up once and I'm definitely likely the daddy."
"Everyone was starting to wonder now because she's said it a lot of times when I'm not around. And that's just not even close to being true. Seriously, wtf. I have a girlfriend that I've been with 5 years."
"Next time I saw Addy was before our shift was starting and I asked her wtf she's been telling everyone. Like why would she even make shit up about us hooking up because she's the last person I'd ever sleep with. Addy got super upset about it because to her she was just joking around and I don't have to snap at her."
"But it just made me so mad that she was telling this behind my back. Our other coworkers around us saw so she got all emotional and went to the bathroom. We're not talking to eachother but she has said I was such a dick for getting mad at her jokes when she wasn't being serious and embarrassing her in front of everyone."
"Now I don't know if I was being an asshole or not."
OP's fellow Redditors were then asked to judge who is in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
People were definitely not on Addy's side, especially since she lied to their colleagues about the whole thing.
"NTA this wasn't a joke. She lied and told people you slept together so they would believe the baby was yours. You need to go and talk to someone in HR immediately and file a report. This isn't going to go well and you need to have documentation about what has been going on." --t27lyne
"And consult a family lawyer to be safe -- probably going to HR is sufficient, but this sounds unhinged enough that I'd want a quick professional opinion on whether I needed to do anything else to protect myself from her trying to somehow establish paternity." --chi_lawyer
"I might be wrong, especially in regards to a workplace, but couldn't this also count as sexual harassment? In terms of her lying to people that they've had a relationship. Idk if it still classes that way legally but morally,,,,yikes. OP needs to file a report fast." --lezibeans
"NTA - that's more than a joke it's a really harmful accusation. Give your girlfriend a heads up in case Addy goes psycho..." --tonks-lupin1313
"...Addy sure gives vibes of 'I want you and just joke around about it' vibes, it wouldn't be surprising if she had an obsessive crush on op and this is her way of trying to 'win' him over - definitely could escalate quickly. NTA, of course BTW" --Portokalia_Naranja
"NTA. You need to take this to HR or your manager, preferably in writing. Be calm and professional. Stick to the facts, not emotions or judgement calls."
"'Addy has made multiple comments in the workplace leading other employees to believe her child is mine and that we had a sexual relationship. We have never had a sexual relationship of any kind and I am not the father of her child. Addy's behavior is creating a work environment where I do not feel comfortable.'" --Obiterdicta
"NTA. 'Work husband' and things along that line are a joke I guess, if both people are ok with it. But lying to your coworkers that you two had sex and that you are actually the father is not ok. I would go to HR because things like that can really ruin your reputation in the workplace." --Aggressive-Sample612
"NTA. She doesn't get to tell people you hooked up and probably the father (especially without making it clear that she was kidding) without suffering the consequences. Due to the severity if her lie and what that could lead to, I don't blame you for snapping at her" --AdministrationThis77
Let this be a lesson to all of us to be careful with how we joke around at work.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.