Dating is meant to be fun, but there are some things that can definitely go wrong, like being cheated on or unexpectedly broken up with.
If these are concerns that a person has, they should discuss them with their partner, instead of avoiding them or looking for other ways to "test" their partner, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor wtvfthisis had been with her boyfriend for a few months and thought everything was going well, until she found out that he had concerns about her getting jealous.
When she found out he'd tested her to see if she would get jealous, the Original Poster (OP) decided to break up with him rather than start worrying about him possibly cheating on her.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by breaking up with my boyfriend because he made me jealous?"
The OP had firm boundaries in her relationship.
"I (21 Female) have been dating my boyfriend (21 Male) for almost four months."
"I am not a jealous person because I truly believe that if I can't trust a person not to cheat on me, then I shouldn't be in that relationship, and that if they are going to cheat on me, nothing I do will stop them."
"So, I have never been jealous of my boyfriend."
Then her boyfriend did something that added a new "rule" to the OP's list.
"A few days ago, we went on a date to a bar with a few of our friends."
"There, a girl sat next to my boyfriend and started obviously flirting with him. I went and sat next to him, to give the girl a chance to know he was taken."
"Everything was normal, until my boyfriend just kept flirting back with her, and even leaned in to whisper in her ear."
"I was, obviously, hurt. I excused myself to go to the washroom, and texted my boyfriend that I was leaving."
"He met me outside at our car and asked if I was jealous."
"I was confused, but said, 'Of course. What the f**k was that?'"
"He just got this smug smile and said, 'So you DO get jealous.'"
" I asked him if he was drunk or something. He was not, since he was supposed to drive us back. Every part of me wanted to just leave, but I stayed to hear his side of the story."
"He told me that the girl was his friend, who he had asked to pretend to flirt with him so he could make me jealous, because he felt insecure as I was never 'jealous' over him, and that girls usually get jealous when other girls are near their guy."
"He was testing to see if I truly like him."
"This made me sad for him, but also very f**king angry. I told him he got his wish. He did make me jealous, but also, if he needs to make me jealous just so he can feel secure about himself, then he is definitely not ready for a relationship."
The OP wasn't going to put up with her boyfriend's behavior.
"We broke up."
"I didn't shout, I heard his side, and even tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I can't be in a relationship where someone needs to test me."
"Had he told me about how he felt, I would have done all I could to make sure he knew how much he meant to me, but honestly, making such an elaborate ruse instead of just talking to me makes me believe he is not going to communicate."
"He has been texting me in multiple places, and two of my friends think I overreacted."
"Did I overreact by breaking up because he tried to test me?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that her boyfriend stopped being boyfriend material when he tested her.
"NOR. Anyone who tries to test their partner is not ready for an adult relationship."
"Communication and trust are important in every relationship, and if he was feeling insecure, he should have talked to you about it instead of trying to create some dumb test to inflate his ego." - Sheananigans379
"NOR. You’re absolutely right, his behavior shows he isn’t ready for a relationship if that’s how he’s going to treat you. 'Tests' in any kind of relationship are so immature; he could’ve just had a deep conversation instead to feel secure with you." - princessmononoke28
"NOR. He didn’t 'test' you; he disrespected you. You told him your boundary: trust is more important than jealousy games."
"He deliberately violated it to feed his insecurity, then acted smug when it worked. That’s not 'testing love'; that’s emotional manipulation 101."
"You broke up over someone who thinks hurting you and you putting up with it is proof that you care. You saved yourself years of tests." - OhDeerDarlin
"NOR. You made your point clear, and he intentionally made you jealous to see your reaction. That's not something that is normal in relationships and is a red flag." - cruton95
"OMG, so NOR!"
"This is not a mature individual ready for a relationship. And he surrounds himself with other immature individuals willing to participate in this foolishness. These friends don’t need to be in a relationship with this high schooler."
"Don’t second-guess yourself. This is manipulative, cruel behavior. Not someone you should waste any more time on. You’re young, and four months is no time. Find someone worthy of you." - Terrible-Pea494
"NOR. How you reacted wasn't jealousy; it was anger at his disrespect. Do not accept his incorrect framing of what happened. You did right to break up with him, he's too immature and insecure to sustain a relationship." - loricomments
"Of course not, you are NOR."
"You aren’t breaking up because you were jealous. You broke up because he 1) played a stupid game and 2) implied he would cheat on you. The game is literally 'what is your reaction to me disrespecting you and playing in your face.'"
"Play stupid games; win stupid prizes." - gcot802
Others agreed and said it would have been far more productive to have a vulnerable conversation.
"NOR. He literally chose a mind game instead of just talking like an adult. You handled it better than most would." - MinimumParamedic9710
"NOR, that's very weird and unusual."
"I once had a girlfriend have her friend message me, trying to flirt and hook up with me, and never told me the truth about it until months later when we hung out with her 'friend,' and I pulled her aside and told her that was the girl."
"She then laughed and told me how she was the one who told her to do that stuff in the first place to test me."
"Let’s just say that wasn’t the only weird thing that happened in that relationship, and I should’ve left sooner." - Mile_High_Magic_
"You’re both very young. You’re not supposed to test people in a relationship. It’s a breach of care. But he’s also very immature, and the way someone is at age 20 should not be how they are at age 40."
"It’s not an overreaction to break up with him, but it’s also not a given that you should get back together. Take a good look at the relationship from afar and decide whether both of you want to put in your effort and time." - SendMeYour
"Trash took itself out. What kind of partner intentionally sets up a situation to validate themselves on the expense of their partner's feelings? You should want to make your partner feel safe, not hurt, angry, and insecure. That's immature, selfish, and cruel. Also, the friend he 'flirted' with is not the girl's girl. So yeah, def NOR." - Special_Grape_4716
"NOR. I have a similar policy for myself."
"It is not that I am incapable of feeling it. It is that I choose not to associate with those who would deliberately inflict it upon me. I will also, similarly, not stay with a person in whom I do not have complete faith. I will not police those who cannot manage themselves."
"I don't get particularly jealous, because of the people I choose to allow to get close to me, and the boundaries I hold. Not because I am incapable of feeling it."
"Leave this manipulative point-scorer in the dust." - Particular_Agent171
"To cook up such bulls**t hoax in order to measure your feelings about him wouldn’t leave me with a lot of hope either. He’s 21, so emotionally, he’s probably more like a 15-year-old boy. That’s not a burden you should be saddled with, and you are quite obviously a lot more mature than he is. And it’s not fair to you to wait around while someone grows up."
"That might take 10 years, or he might be one of those guys who never grows up."
"The most important thing is that your decision leads you to an outcome where you don’t have to navigate childish relationship games. I truly believe everyone deserves to end up with someone exactly like themself. Kind deserves kind, cruel deserves cruel, stupid deserves stupid." - Spirited-Speech-2372
"You should have absolutely broken up with this guy. He doesn’t have a healthy relationship style, and he craves drama."
"If you return to him, he will find ways to destabilize your emotions whenever he feels insecure or bored. You will be his human stress ball."
"Block him on everything so that he can’t continue to harass you. Block those friends, too. They don’t have enough self-respect to walk away from an abuser." - Ok-Willow-9145
"NOR. I wouldn't even say this is even jealousy. It was a betrayal of your trust and a humiliation ritual that he planned for you."
"You were obviously upset by it because he purposely broke through an understood boundary that most monogamous relationships START with."
"Why was it so important to him to prove this? Like others have said, he is immature and not ready for a relationship if he's pulling this s**t. Hopefully this lesson will stick. Sheesh." - Lilypalooza_88
Having tough conversations with romantic partners isn't fun for anyone, but it's important to have those conversations and learn how best to navigate them.
Not only is testing a partner not a good idea, but the tests aren't going to give anyone what they actually want.
