Becoming new parents is an exciting and emotional time.
Oftentimes it brings out the best and worst in partners.
Redditor Dear_Fox_5010 has experienced this firsthand with his wife, who is eight months pregnant.
A recent disagreement drove him to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for advice.
The Original Poster (OP) asked,
"AITA for "sulking" about the fact that my wife won't let me watch my son's birth?"
The OP gave a bit of backstory.
"I, [28-year-old Male], have been with the love of my life, Emily, [26-year-old Female], for seven years, married for two."
"We have always talked about having kids, and I've always wanted to be there when they were born."
"When my dad was still alive, he used to tell me and my siblings all the time about how it literally brought him to tears (NOT a man who cries, btw), and he would say he was so grateful for all of us and for the experience."
"My beautiful and amazing wife is eight months pregnant. It's been a pretty difficult pregnancy for her, well for us, but especially to her."
"She's had a few miscarriages in the past, and I've just been praying to God for both of them to make it through safely."
Then they got to the matter at hand.
"We were talking more and more about what's going to happen when she goes into labor, and she's very adamant that I not be in the room, natural or C, no matter what."
"I've tried convincing, pleading, begging, but she won't change her mind."
"Her mom is going to be with her, and I understand that she needs her mom and that she needs to do whatever to make sure that everything goes smoothly."
"I don't wanna stress her out too much because I keep telling myself all that matters is that they're both healthy, but I'm honestly really sad about not being able to be there for my son's birth."
They had a hard time letting go of missing this milestone moment.
"It's not about me. I know that. All that matters is that they're both healthy."
"I've been trying to come to terms and understand this on my own time so as not to bother her, but Emily's just being so condescending to me, and I know that she's just stressed out and scared, so she doesn't mean it, but I feel like I deserve to process this at least for a few days."
"I still do everything as I've done before, but she says that now I have this 'beaten puppy dog' look on my face, and it's 'pissing her off.'"
"Then, she started scolding me, asking me why it mattered so much to me and if I was going to act this weak in front of our son."
"She told me I needed just to be a f*cking man and 'get the f*ck over it.'"
"I feel like crying, but I don't want her to know, and get mad at me again, so I told her I was going out to get groceries and am writing this in the car to try and calm myself down."
"I love her so much, but what she said really hit me hard. I just want them both to be healthy and safe, but I also wanted to be there."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided"
"Is she always this cruel and misogynistic?"
"NTA." - wtfaidhfr
"NTA"
"It's your child, too. I don't blame you one bit for being upset. You're not an AH for wanting to see the birth of your kid."
"'if I was going to act this weak in front of our son. She told me I needed to just be a fIcking man and "get the fIck over it."'"
"Your wife is easily an AH from these sentences alone. Being pregnant doesn't give her a free pass to be verbally abusive." - Keenzur
"Yeah, the way she talked to you was horribly sexist and mean."
"I truly hope she doesn't raise your son with the notion that he needs to 'be a f*cking man.' Or to ever imply he shouldn't cry or have feelings or express himself."
"This worries me for the future generation. I thought we had progressed and were raising sons to be better with all that we know now."
"It's devastating to think this unborn child could fall victim to the same patriarchal bullsh*t that drives up male suicide and lack of connection/meaningful friendships."
"Your wife needs to check herself, and you should most definitely take the lead in showing your son how to 'be a man.'"
"Which should just entail being a good person, experiencing your full range of emotions, and communicating effectively."
"NTA" - Electronic-War-244
"I personally cannot understand why someone wouldn't want their partner, not to mention the very person who is going to be the other parent, in the room."
"If the roles were reversed and my spouse chose his mommy over me, I would be livid."
"Anyway, a "f*cking man" WANTS to be present for the delivery. They can't carry the child. This is how they participate in bringing the child into the world. It's the first thing they do as a daddy."
"NTA and show your wife this comment section."
"I'll even throw in a y t a for your MIL, who should refuse and tell her daughter that she chose a life partner and father and that's the person who should be by her side." - autogeriatric
"yes this wife is abusive. NTA."
"OP will have to be clear with her: she has the right to take away one of the most important experiences of his life."
"Should she exercise that right, it comes with consequences. He will never see her as a good and equal partner or teammate ever again."
"He will likely harbor resentment. It very likely will ruin their relationship if not cause it to crumble."
"I suppose she should learn to be a real woman and decide if she wants to choose to take something so important from her partner and destroy the relationship or not." - Puzzleheaded_Big3319
"While your wife is allowed to choose her support system in her delivery room, this stuff:"
"'Then, she started scolding me, asking me why it mattered so much to me and if I was going to act this weak in front of our son. She told me I needed just to be a f*cking man and "get the f*ck over it."'
"..is totally uncalled for. You said that it matters to you because you care about them and the moment, which is a valid reason."
"And her belittling/gendered statement about being weak is really pretty horrible."
"You do need to be supportive of her delivery choices, but that doesn't give her a free pass to be so verbally abusive."
"I can't decide if that makes you both AHs for your behavior or gives you both a free pass, but you both need to tighten up the family unit before the baby comes." - Major_Barnacle_2212
"NTA."
"Being present for the birth is an incredible bonding experience - and will be forever one of my most cherished memories."
"'asking me why it mattered so much to me and if I was going to act this weak in front of our son. She told me I needed just to be a f*cking man and "get the f*ck over it."'"
"Whoa there - these are huge red flags - and deserving of a whole heap of discussion, but to stay on topic:"
"•Have you asked WHY she wants only her mother there with her?"
"•Have you relayed the story of your father's reaction to being present?"
"•Does the hospital have a restriction on the number of family "visiting"?" - KarpGrinder
"NTA. Your wife has the right to say she doesn't want you there. She does not have the right to demean you so much that you are writing this crying from your car."
"To me, this is more about her overall response than her answer. The lack of empathy in some of these comments sucks" - GoldenFrog14
"NTA Her request to not have you in the room is one thing (although I always find it weird in a healthy, loving relationship, but whatever), but how she is treating you now is really the problem and makes her TA."
"'why it mattered so much to me,'"
"Because it is literally one of the most important moments of your life?! It would be much more concerning if it didn't matter to you one bit.'"
"'and if I was going to act this weak in front of our son. She told me I needed just to be a f*cking man and "get the f*ck over it."'"
"She also seems to have some seriously f*cked up ideas about what it means to be a man... I hope she won't push these outdated views on your future son."
"Is she going to tell him to be a man and get over it when he cries as well? Because that is seriously f*cked up, in my opinion. If nothing else, this is a conversation that desperately needs to happen." - Fantastic-Focus-7056
Best of luck to the OP and his future son.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.