A child's development is measured by reaching certain milestones.
Things like holding their head up, sitting up unassisted, rolling over, crawling, talking, and walking are all tracked and evaluated by parents and pediatricians to see if a child is on track or experiencing developmental delays.
But children aren't machines.
No two are alike, so milestones and timelines are rough estimates at best.
And some children will be expected to have delays due to being born well before reaching full-term. Because of this, neonatalists developed corrected ages to better assess milestones for premature babies.
A preemie's corrected age is an adjusted age that takes into account how many weeks before full-term they were born.
A 29-year-old first-time father of a premature baby turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
PersimmonPale466 asked:
"AITA for telling my sister-in-law (SIL) to get over herself and stop trying to one up us?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife (27, female) and her sister (30, female) got pregnant around the same time. The babies are the first of a new generation on their side of the family, so everyone was excited."
"SIL was further along, but my wife ended up giving birth on week 32, plus she had some complications that had her hospitalized. My nephew was born 2 weeks later at full term."
"Apparently, SIL was resenting 'having her thunder stolen' and felt like she and her new baby weren't getting enough attention. She keeps making these comments like she's trying to one-up us."
"First she was saying how sorry she was that my wife missed the 'golden hour' because they had to take our son to the NICU."
"This upset my wife since during her hospitalization, she was often too sick to visit the NICU, and she's already feeling crappy about missing skin-to-skin on those first few weeks."
"After we started to bring our son to family gatherings, SIL started comparing the boys. Saying how much bigger and more alert her son looks compared to ours and how he hit more milestones."
"Last weekend, we had lunch at my in-laws'. My wife and I were excited to tell everyone that our son laughed for the first time earlier that day—he's 5.5 months old, 3.5 corrected."
"Mother-in-law and father-in-law were having a good time watching the video when SIL made another comment about how HER son did that a month ago. I don't know why that was the last straw, but I just about had it."
"I told SIL that she's pathetic for trying to one-up a freaking baby. That her full-term son wasn't special for being more developed than a preemie. That she should get the f*ck over not giving birth to the first grandbaby."
"Needless to say, this ruined lunch, and my wife's family is pissed. I admit I was harsh with my words and tone, and this was the first time I confronted her family like this."
"Up until now, we'd each handle our own relatives. But these comments upset my wife and pissed me off."
"So AITA for being so harsh and not staying in 'my' lane?"
The OP later added:
"I guess my wife and son got more focus at first when they were hospitalized, but from what I see—in family gatherings at least—my in-laws give the cousin plenty of love and attention."
"They definitely enjoy playing with him as he's more 'interactive' and communicative than our son—which, again, makes sense when you take corrected age into account."
"I'm happy that I spoke up because my wife was having a hard time telling her sister it makes her feel like crap. My wife definitely felt the comments were passive-aggressive."
"But now she feels bad that they're pissed."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because I spoke to my SIL very harshly with all my pent-up anger and didn't stay in 'my' lane as I never confronted my wife's family before."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You stood up for your wife and child, and she appreciated it. It would be helpful if she outwardly had your back to them as well." ~ gymngdoll
"It might help if you both strategize together on how to address her sister's comments in a way that feels united. It's tough, but standing strong as a team can make a big difference. NTA." ~ renegade8192
"NTA for standing up for your family, OP."
"Something your wife could say, 'You know, Sister, I really wouldn't have chosen to give birth at 32 weeks and have my baby spend all that time in the NICU. But that's the hand we were all dealt, and be thankful your child won't face the same challenges. Instead of comparing the two, celebrate his achievements and try to be happy for your nephew. I hope we understand each other." ~ TexasGal0032548
"Here's the crux of the problem: all of that is obvious to anybody who is at all a reasonable person. That's something nobody should have to say."
"That SIL is carrying on the way she is highlights that she's not a reasonable person, so it's likely a waste of time trying to be reasonable with her. NTA." ~ Pladohs_Ghost
"When your wife feels bad they're angry, remind her that SIL is hostile towards a baby and to her. The family just wants the easier personality to submit because it's easier than telling a harsh personality to cut it out." ~ Shdfx1
"You have officially stepped into Papa Bear mode. I'm so glad she was put in her place.. Now where to go from here:"
"Talk to your wife. She's probably still dealing with a lot in postpartum, and you need to make sure you are both on the same page."
"Confront her parents separately from everyone. If your wife is up for discussing this situation with them, give her the support and hold space for her to have a heart-to-heart with her family."
"If she would rather you talk, WRITE DOWN your issues and why you blew up. Of course, apologize for how you reacted, but stand firm in your protection of your wife, especially since her own family has not stepped in."
"All in all, NTA! Your SIL asked for the confrontation, and you happily obliged. I know some are gonna say 'dOn'T sToOp tO tHeIr lEvEl'."
"Eff that! SIL brought this on herself." ~ Ok_Bit1981
"Sure, you could have handled it differently, but that might not have stopped the sh*tty behaviour."
"You had justifiably had enough and said what needed to be said. Your SIL will likely think twice before making any more comparisons out loud, which needed to happen."
"Who knows why she is doing it. She might be postpartum. She might just be jealous. None of that needs to concern you."
"NTA. You did what was right for your family, and you put the bully in her place. Bravo." ~ OhmsWay-71
"NTA. It sounds like your baby was in critical condition, as well as being a premie. Moms tend to blame themselves for anything that goes wrong with their babies even if it's beyond the mother's control."
"For your SIL to continuously rub salt in that wound is just evil. You sound like amazing parents, and bless you for being so supportive of your wife. Her family should have shut down this golden child behavior a long time ago."
"Every baby is unique and even if born at term, they still develop at different paces, but most will get there at the end. It's not a race."
"It's all about healthy babies, healthy kids. What matters most is that they are loved and accepted by their family, not used as some trophy to boost the parents' ego."
"It sounds like you held your tongue long enough and gave your SIL enough chances to demonstrate little consideration and empathy, which never happened. I hope your SIL knows to keep her mouth shut from now on." ~ BayAreaPupMom
"I'm going to say NTA. BUT I need you and your wife to do me a favor. This is going to sound silly, but look up an episode from a kids' show called Bluey. It's only 8 minutes long."
"But it's called 'Baby Race'. Y'all should watch that. And maybe even send it to your SIL. It made me cry, but it's basically about not comparing your kids' milestones. And it touches on it in such a sweet way."
"My toddler was a bit behind in walking and gross motor skills. We almost had to see an occupational therapist! It was stressing me out so much."
"Then I watched that episode, and I swear it said what I needed to hear exactly as I needed to hear it. It's such a lovely episode. Bluey really gets you in the feels sometimes!"
"It's good for the heart. Please watch it." ~ SillyDJ
"My daughter was born prematurely (33w) at 2% weight, after I had severe pre-eclampsia. Her first two years were filled with physical therapy and other stimulus sessions so she could develop according to her preemie timeline."
"She missed the first milestones, but eventually got to catch up and does everything a toddler does. It's important to focus on the baby's milestones, but please don't stress too much about it."
"Cut to us watching this exact Bluey episode three years later, and it got me very emotional, bringing back those baby race feelings. That's a perfect recommendation for OP."
"I hope OP and his wife cancel all the external noise (SIL or others) and focus on stimulating and enjoying the time with their baby. I'm glad that mother and baby are well and your family is together." ~ HelicopterTricky7821
Here is that recommended Bluey episode:
Comparing milestones in infants as a competition isn't helpful or healthy for anyone.
Even if the infants are twins, all babies are individuals.
And childhood isn't a race to the finish.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp