A child’s development is measured by reaching certain milestones.
Things like holding their head up, sitting up unassisted, rolling over, crawling, talking, and walking are all tracked and evaluated by parents and pediatricians to see if a child is on track or experiencing developmental delays.
But children aren’t machines.
No two are alike, so milestones and timelines are rough estimates at best.
And some children will be expected to have delays due to being born well before reaching full-term. Because of this, neonatalists developed corrected ages to better assess milestones for premature babies.
A preemie’s corrected age is an adjusted age that takes into account how many weeks before full-term they were born.
A 29-year-old first-time father of a premature baby turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
PersimmonPale466 asked:
“AITA for telling my sister-in-law (SIL) to get over herself and stop trying to one up us?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My wife (27, female) and her sister (30, female) got pregnant around the same time. The babies are the first of a new generation on their side of the family, so everyone was excited.”
“SIL was further along, but my wife ended up giving birth on week 32, plus she had some complications that had her hospitalized. My nephew was born 2 weeks later at full term.”
“Apparently, SIL was resenting ‘having her thunder stolen’ and felt like she and her new baby weren’t getting enough attention. She keeps making these comments like she’s trying to one-up us.”
“First she was saying how sorry she was that my wife missed the ‘golden hour’ because they had to take our son to the NICU.”
“This upset my wife since during her hospitalization, she was often too sick to visit the NICU, and she’s already feeling crappy about missing skin-to-skin on those first few weeks.”
“After we started to bring our son to family gatherings, SIL started comparing the boys. Saying how much bigger and more alert her son looks compared to ours and how he hit more milestones.”
“Last weekend, we had lunch at my in-laws’. My wife and I were excited to tell everyone that our son laughed for the first time earlier that day—he’s 5.5 months old, 3.5 corrected.”
“Mother-in-law and father-in-law were having a good time watching the video when SIL made another comment about how HER son did that a month ago. I don’t know why that was the last straw, but I just about had it.”
“I told SIL that she’s pathetic for trying to one-up a freaking baby. That her full-term son wasn’t special for being more developed than a preemie. That she should get the f*ck over not giving birth to the first grandbaby.”
“Needless to say, this ruined lunch, and my wife’s family is pissed. I admit I was harsh with my words and tone, and this was the first time I confronted her family like this.”
“Up until now, we’d each handle our own relatives. But these comments upset my wife and pissed me off.”
“So AITA for being so harsh and not staying in ‘my’ lane?”
The OP later added:
“I guess my wife and son got more focus at first when they were hospitalized, but from what I see—in family gatherings at least—my in-laws give the cousin plenty of love and attention.”
“They definitely enjoy playing with him as he’s more ‘interactive’ and communicative than our son—which, again, makes sense when you take corrected age into account.”
“I’m happy that I spoke up because my wife was having a hard time telling her sister it makes her feel like crap. My wife definitely felt the comments were passive-aggressive.”
“But now she feels bad that they’re pissed.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole because I spoke to my SIL very harshly with all my pent-up anger and didn’t stay in ‘my’ lane as I never confronted my wife’s family before.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You stood up for your wife and child, and she appreciated it. It would be helpful if she outwardly had your back to them as well.” ~ gymngdoll
“It might help if you both strategize together on how to address her sister’s comments in a way that feels united. It’s tough, but standing strong as a team can make a big difference. NTA.” ~ renegade8192
“NTA for standing up for your family, OP.”
“Something your wife could say, ‘You know, Sister, I really wouldn’t have chosen to give birth at 32 weeks and have my baby spend all that time in the NICU. But that’s the hand we were all dealt, and be thankful your child won’t face the same challenges. Instead of comparing the two, celebrate his achievements and try to be happy for your nephew. I hope we understand each other.” ~ TexasGal0032548
“Here’s the crux of the problem: all of that is obvious to anybody who is at all a reasonable person. That’s something nobody should have to say.”
“That SIL is carrying on the way she is highlights that she’s not a reasonable person, so it’s likely a waste of time trying to be reasonable with her. NTA.” ~ Pladohs_Ghost
“When your wife feels bad they’re angry, remind her that SIL is hostile towards a baby and to her. The family just wants the easier personality to submit because it’s easier than telling a harsh personality to cut it out.” ~ Shdfx1
“You have officially stepped into Papa Bear mode. I’m so glad she was put in her place.. Now where to go from here:”
“Talk to your wife. She’s probably still dealing with a lot in postpartum, and you need to make sure you are both on the same page.”
“Confront her parents separately from everyone. If your wife is up for discussing this situation with them, give her the support and hold space for her to have a heart-to-heart with her family.”
“If she would rather you talk, WRITE DOWN your issues and why you blew up. Of course, apologize for how you reacted, but stand firm in your protection of your wife, especially since her own family has not stepped in.”
“All in all, NTA! Your SIL asked for the confrontation, and you happily obliged. I know some are gonna say ‘dOn’T sToOp tO tHeIr lEvEl’.”
“Eff that! SIL brought this on herself.” ~ Ok_Bit1981
“Sure, you could have handled it differently, but that might not have stopped the sh*tty behaviour.”
“You had justifiably had enough and said what needed to be said. Your SIL will likely think twice before making any more comparisons out loud, which needed to happen.”
“Who knows why she is doing it. She might be postpartum. She might just be jealous. None of that needs to concern you.”
“NTA. You did what was right for your family, and you put the bully in her place. Bravo.” ~ OhmsWay-71
“NTA. It sounds like your baby was in critical condition, as well as being a premie. Moms tend to blame themselves for anything that goes wrong with their babies even if it’s beyond the mother’s control.”
“For your SIL to continuously rub salt in that wound is just evil. You sound like amazing parents, and bless you for being so supportive of your wife. Her family should have shut down this golden child behavior a long time ago.”
“Every baby is unique and even if born at term, they still develop at different paces, but most will get there at the end. It’s not a race.”
“It’s all about healthy babies, healthy kids. What matters most is that they are loved and accepted by their family, not used as some trophy to boost the parents’ ego.”
“It sounds like you held your tongue long enough and gave your SIL enough chances to demonstrate little consideration and empathy, which never happened. I hope your SIL knows to keep her mouth shut from now on.” ~ BayAreaPupMom
“I’m going to say NTA. BUT I need you and your wife to do me a favor. This is going to sound silly, but look up an episode from a kids’ show called Bluey. It’s only 8 minutes long.”
“But it’s called ‘Baby Race’. Y’all should watch that. And maybe even send it to your SIL. It made me cry, but it’s basically about not comparing your kids’ milestones. And it touches on it in such a sweet way.”
“My toddler was a bit behind in walking and gross motor skills. We almost had to see an occupational therapist! It was stressing me out so much.”
“Then I watched that episode, and I swear it said what I needed to hear exactly as I needed to hear it. It’s such a lovely episode. Bluey really gets you in the feels sometimes!”
“It’s good for the heart. Please watch it.” ~ SillyDJ
“My daughter was born prematurely (33w) at 2% weight, after I had severe pre-eclampsia. Her first two years were filled with physical therapy and other stimulus sessions so she could develop according to her preemie timeline.”
“She missed the first milestones, but eventually got to catch up and does everything a toddler does. It’s important to focus on the baby’s milestones, but please don’t stress too much about it.”
“Cut to us watching this exact Bluey episode three years later, and it got me very emotional, bringing back those baby race feelings. That’s a perfect recommendation for OP.”
“I hope OP and his wife cancel all the external noise (SIL or others) and focus on stimulating and enjoying the time with their baby. I’m glad that mother and baby are well and your family is together.” ~ HelicopterTricky7821
Here is that recommended Bluey episode:
Comparing milestones in infants as a competition isn’t helpful or healthy for anyone.
Even if the infants are twins, all babies are individuals.
And childhood isn’t a race to the finish.