Being anti-racism involves confronting racism whenever safely possible, especially among family and friends. Being loud when racism is perpetrated by strangers, but silent when it's by close acquaintances is being complicit.
But confronting racist behavior is likely to upset the person being racist and everyone enabling them by looking the other way every time. After all, their complicity is also being called out.
A wife and mother who decided enough was enough with a racist relative turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after their reaction, instead of the racism, caused tension.
No_Car8712 asked:
"AITA for causing a scene at my in-laws' anniversary dinner over my brother-in-law's racist comments?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (female, 30 yrs) and my husband (male, 32 yrs) have been married for four years and have a son, soon turning one. English is not my first language, so please forgive me if the grammar isn't always at 100%."
"We are really close with my husband's older brother—he is really cool and we love hanging out with him. However, I have never really gotten along with his younger brother (let's call him Mark) because, among many other reasons, he has a tendency of putting out racist, sexist or otherwise inappropriate comments."
"Dare to say, our values and morals simply don't align, but over the years I have learnt to bite my tongue and ignore the comments and to act civil around him in family gatherings."
"Things have however changed since having a child, as I do not want him to be exposed to this kind of racist talk, especially from an uncle who should act as a role model to our son."
"I talked to my husband about this issue and asked him to have a discussion with Mark that we do not allow this kind of talk around our child, as we want to raise him to respect people with different ethnicities, genders, sexual orientations etc..."
"My husband agreed and promised to talk to Mark about it, or at the very least, intervene if Mark does this ever again in the presence of our son."
"A few days ago, we went over to my in-laws' house for their wedding anniversary dinner. Everyone was having a great time up until Mark had had a couple of glasses of wine and begun with his racist slurring yet again (I'll spare you from the details, but let me tell you, it was bad!)."
"I looked over to my husband, expecting him to do or say something, but he did nothing, just sipped his wine in silence. I felt this sudden rage and couldn't hold it in any longer and angrily hissed at Mark something along the lines of 'Will you shut the f*** up if you have nothing smarter to say‽'."
"The whole room went dead silent and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife, it was so awkward for everyone. We finished our meal quickly and went home as soon as we could, me still boiling inside from anger over the whole situation and how my husband didn't stand up for me against his brother."
"Yesterday my husband received an angry text from my mother-in-law, stating I had ruined their anniversary dinner by lashing out at Mark at the table like that."
"I understand her being upset since the dinner was to celebrate their marriage and the conflict ruined the mood for everyone and now there is this big drama in the family over what happened."
"I agree that the timing was not great and that I could have rephrased myself in a more constructive way, but at the same time, I could not take it anymore and felt I had to put a stop to it once and for all."
"So am I the a**hole?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I might be the a**hole for causing a theathical scene and attacking my brother-in-law verbally, ruining the mood for everyone."
"Especially for my in-laws, who just wanted to have a good time and celebrate their anniversary, putting them in the middle of a drama they had nothing to do with."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Hot tip: if you are sitting at a table where everyone else can abide the bigotry with just a sip of wine, then there are more bigots at the table that the guy yelling."
"Genuinely let it settle that the singular cuss word you used is perceived as more offensive than his tirade."
"NTA, but this is your child's family, that you have picked for them; for who will quietly sit by while the younger brother spouts his opinions. Not to be offensive, but including you up until your kid was born."
"Why would they think your child is a valid excuse for this man to stop the behavior they haven't set meaningful boundaries around all his life?" ~ gurlwithdragontat2
"I have to ask why shutting down racism only became important when they had a child." ~ AnotherDoubtfulGuest
"Because they can ignore the racist brother-in-law. They know what he says is utter BS."
"A child, learning to speak and hear, cannot. He thinks everything an adult says, especially an uncle, is true. That's why." ~ FluidGate9972
"I get this perspective, but ignoring it seems more like enabling it for the sake of not rocking the boat. When you allow someone to go unchecked like that, it becomes the values of the family you're associating with/part of."
"It's not like there was no harm in racism prior to the birth of their child."
"The brother/husband should have handled these comments much earlier if they didn't align with their values." ~ aggieemily2013
"Part of this is it isn't her 'place' to do that as it's his family. Usually in most marriages or relationships you let the person directly connected to them handle it."
"For example if my friend is being an a**, my wife will tell me and it's on me to go handle that because it won't be received the same way if she does it. It is often the same with family too. If my family or my wife's family are doing things we don't approve of or want to bring attention to, it's the respective partner who ends up responsible for that."
"I'm not saying it has to be this way, it just seems to be one of those social rule things that isn't written down, but apparently everyone follows it."
"There are obviously circumstances and times where you don't wait for the other person to handle it too, but often times those end up like what we see here."
"Personally, I think the bigger problem is that everyone is either okay with him saying these things or they're all so deep into the 'ignore him' program that they can't even tell when he's saying something that needs to be addressed."
"I see this personally with family and it has never made sense to me and I am now a bit of an outcast because I call these things out when people are saying it which causes that awkward 'we don't do that here' type of moment." ~ OddDc-ed
"NTA, buuuut.... You don't have a BIL problem; you have an extended family problem. Your husband isn't going to talk to your BIL. Your MIL is mad at you for being 'inappropriate and ruining her celebration,' yet has no comment about the derogatory, racist monologues?"
"Either the rest of the family is uncomfortable confronting your BIL at the risk of making things 'uncomfortable' or your BIL is sharing out loud opinions the rest of the family agree with. Your BIL is the symptom, not the problem." ~ Practical_Tooth_2329
"OP has a husband problem. He sat there saying nothing against a racist drunk and I bet that wasn't the first or last rant. OP either married a spineless man or someone who doesn't disagree with racists." ~ nenyabi
The OP provided an update:
"Thanks for all the comments, nice to hear that I'm not completely in the wrong here. At the moment I feel very alone with this issue and your comments helped me to get some clarity."
"As a background, I have not said anything about BIL's behaviour before as I believe it's not my job to educate an adult. And to be honest, if that's the way he thinks, I don't think anyone could change his mind."
"That's why I have decided to stay as far away from him as possible in the past. Maybe I was in the wrong and should have confronted him earlier."
"The MIL has occasionally tried to correct Mark in his comments, but definitely has not set clear enough boundaries. To me it seems that the whole family is just all about avoiding conflict at any cost which is a red flag on its own already."
"Whatever the case is, I'm not okay to let my child stay at the in-laws on his own unsupervised from now on before making sure they understand that we do not tolerate this kind of behaviour."
"I will have a chat with my husband today and confront him in why he didn't back me up. For what it's worth, it's hard to believe that he would agree with his brother's views as we do have friends of different races, sexual orientation etc..."
"But being a coward like this does make me question everything really."
It looks like some serious discussions are in OP's future.
Her husband and his family need to decide if avoiding confrontation, enabling toxic behavior, is more important than the lessons they teach their son.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp