Content Warning: Pregnancy Complications, Stillbirth, Grieving Mom, "Reborn" Baby Dolls
Some parents have experienced what it feels like to be parents without having a living child in their home to "show for it."
While some people will push them to heal and move on, some struggle with this more than others, empathized the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Throwaway_awww6326's cousin lost her child in a stillbirth delivery, and she was deep in the throes of grieving the loss of her baby and the motherhood she'd looked forward to.
To cope, she adopted a "reborn baby doll," but when she continued to care for it months later and expected it to attend important events with her, the Original Poster (OP) was not looking forward to telling her that she was not comfortable with her cousin's doll attending her wedding.
She asked the sub:
"WIBTA (Would I be the a**hole) if I told my cousin that she cannot bring her 'reborn baby' to my wedding?"
The OP tried but struggled to be understanding about her grieving cousin's "reborn" doll.
"I (25 Female) am getting married in about a year. The date is set in 2026."
"This is about my cousin, Shelly, who is 28 (Female). Shelly gave birth a little over a year ago, and the baby was a stillbirth."
"She is still mourning, and soon after, she got a 'reborn' baby doll (it's a very realistic doll baby), and that thing freaks me out. She acts like it is a real baby and brings it everywhere."
"I understand she is mourning, but I am not comfortable with it, and during family events, I ignore that whole situation. It is not uncommon that she has family members hold her baby when she goes to the bathroom."
"I always refuse to do so, but other family members will and have gotten scolded for refusing to take care of the doll if she needs to do something. She treats it like it is a baby, and I find it creepy."
The OP's cousin's expectations for the doll continued to escalate.
"Today was a family event, and she brought it to the family picnic. During pictures, Shelly brought the reborn baby in the pictures and refused to put it down (her mom asked), and it started a mini-argument. The reborn baby stayed in the pictures."
"Later, I was talking to my sister, whose child is going to be the flower girl for my wedding. I was discussing getting photos before the wedding and just focusing on the group picture for the wedding."
"Shelly said it would be cute to do photos, and her 'baby' could be propped up for the pictures."
"After this, I realized I do not want that doll at the wedding. I don't want my family members to have to take care of a doll, like they already do at family events. I don't want to have to fight her not to include the baby in photos."
"I also find it so creepy and just don't want it at the wedding in the first place."
The OP wasn't sure how to start the conversation.
"I can't really go to my family for opinions on this because I know this will get back to her."
"My future husband is on my side with this, but I want some other opinions."
"I need to know if I would be a massive a**hole if I told her not to bring her reborn baby to the wedding."
"WIBTA? AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the grieving cousin needed therapy, not a plus-one wedding invitation.
"She needs a therapist, and I say this kindly. The fact that she treats her doll like a real baby is a sign that she needs professional help."
"You could try to speak to her, but odds are, it'll probably cause a confrontation, and she may even refuse to attend your wedding completely."
"You're well within your right to ask her not to bring her doll, but I don't see her complying, unless maybe your family backs you up?" - d33psix
"Those dolls are meant to be used in conjunction with therapy. It's supposed to help with the initial empty-arm feelings of grief. Not to be a crutch, relied on for years, building a fantasy that the whole family feeds into. This is moving beyond therapeutic aide into unhealthy delusion." - Apprehensive_War9612
"NTA, your cousin needs therapy. Tell her she cannot bring the doll. Be prepared, though. She is going to get extremely upset and start getting family members on her side."
"If you decide to do this, it will be no means no for all your family members, and that your cousin and a few other relatives might not come to your wedding."
"I would suggest that you start working on comebacks, like, 'My cousin needs therapy, not a doll,' and, 'I'm not ok with family members being scolded during my wedding for not watching a doll,' and 'I love my cousin, and she needs therapy,' etc… Good luck." - Suitable_Doubt7359
"Cousin is grieving so badly that she's delusional at this point. That's bad but understandable. What isn't is everyone around her acting like the doll is real and this behavior is normal. Cousin needs therapy, and everyone else needs to come out of denial." - lovemyfurryfamily
"NTA. Your cousin needs intense grief therapy."
"Grief is awful, and everyone deals with it differently and on their own schedule. But this cousin, using a doll surrogate without any other help (that we know about) to accept the death of her child, seems wrong."
"I question the cousin's version of reality. If she is to ever have a live child, she needs help now to get her through this. One child doesn't replace another, but that living child deserves a healthy and present mother."
"OP is NTA."
"My aunt had what I refer to as her 'trauma bear.' It did come to weddings. He had a tux. She would pay for a seat on the plane for him, the whole nine. The trauma she went through completely negates anything anyone might say about the bear for me."
"That being said, she knew she had a stuffed bear, not real, and that people thought it was weird and that he was not going to be in things like wedding photos."
"It'd be wildly different if the OP's cousin were in that headspace and just wants something to hug, but she's not. This is not that." - booksycat
Others agreed and said the OP was NTA, while others were enabling the cousin's struggles.
"NTA. Your cousin needs help. The people around her, accommodating this behavior, are doing her a disservice." - Shanny0628
"I bet the family doesn't want to rock the boat. They're complicit in her sliding this far and not getting help, because none of them want to be the one responsible for doing anything."
"The fact that they've let it get to this point means they're essentially encouraging it or at the very least going along with it instead of getting her help. It sucks for everyone, and currently it sucks for you, OP, but you're far from an AH for feeling this way." - Agreeable-Car-6428
"I will at least say, other family members are indirectly confronting her, but she isn't listening."
"They've said no to holding the baby, and she gets angry."
"Memorial Day, the cousin's mother confronted her and asked her to put the doll down so they could have pictures without it. She got angry and had an argument with her mother."
"The family is trying to walk the line of supporting someone who's grieving but being firm about setting some boundaries. The cousin either isn't listening or isn't able to get past her grief."
"If it's the former, they all need to agree on how to handle it, and they need to hold the line. If it's the latter, if the cousin isn't ABLE to move past it and let go of the doll, then she needs in-patient treatment."
"Saying no for this wedding and encouraging her to go anyway may be a very reasonable next step." - throwaway798319
"Hopefully, at some point, the grief will become bearable for this cousin. But having her in a bunch of pictures with a doll will be a constant reminder of her grief and likely embarrassment when she 'wakes up' from the delusion. It's not kind to play into this delusion."
"It's one thing to have the doll as a memory of what was lost and even something to hold while you say goodbye."
"It's another to change its diaper and carry a diaper bag for something that isn't real." - kirste29
"Enabling her dysfunctional behavior to continue this long. This is a great disservice to her and to her mental health. Instead, they need to be advocating therapy and grief counseling."
"I would be uncomfortable with her at a wedding, especially with her packing around her pseudo-baby and her expectations of it to be fully present in photographs or video, if you are doing a wedding video."
"If you can… Say no children allowed, unless in the wedding party. That is, if you won't offend other parents, too. You might consider a babysitter provided for children under… whatever age you prefer."
"I would prefer a no-child wedding, but that is just me." - Opinionated6319
The subReddit struggled to process the situation the OP was watching unfold with her grieving cousin. They empathized with this grieving mom and her inability or unwillingness to let go of her stillborn child by cherishing this "reborn" baby.
That being said, they also felt that the baby was preventing the OP's cousin from facing reality and coming back to her own life where she could heal and move on.
Perhaps by not allowing the baby doll to attend the wedding, if enough family members were willing to speak up, perhaps the OP's cousin would begin to understand that what she was doing wasn't working and that she needed to try something else.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp