Content Warning: Pregnancy Complications, Stillbirth, Grieving Mom, "Reborn" Baby Dolls
Some parents have experienced what it feels like to be parents without having a living child in their home to "show for it."
While some people will push them to heal and move on, some struggle with this more than others, empathized the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Throwaway_awww6326's cousin lost her child in a stillbirth delivery, and she was deep in the throes of grieving the loss of her baby and the motherhood she'd looked forward to.
To cope, she adopted a "reborn baby doll," but when she continued to care for it months later and expected it to attend important events with her, the Original Poster (OP) was not looking forward to telling her that she was not comfortable with her cousin's doll attending her wedding.
She asked the sub:
"WIBTA (Would I be the a**hole) if I told my cousin that she cannot bring her 'reborn baby' to my wedding?"
The OP tried but struggled to be understanding about her grieving cousin's "reborn" doll.
"I (25 Female) am getting married in about a year. The date is set in 2026."
"This is about my cousin, Shelly, who is 28 (Female). Shelly gave birth a little over a year ago, and the baby was a stillbirth."
"She is still mourning, and soon after, she got a 'reborn' baby doll (it's a very realistic doll baby), and that thing freaks me out. She acts like it is a real baby and brings it everywhere."
"I understand she is mourning, but I am not comfortable with it, and during family events, I ignore that whole situation. It is not uncommon that she has family members hold her baby when she goes to the bathroom."
"I always refuse to do so, but other family members will and have gotten scolded for refusing to take care of the doll if she needs to do something. She treats it like it is a baby, and I find it creepy."
The OP's cousin's expectations for the doll continued to escalate.
"Today was a family event, and she brought it to the family picnic. During pictures, Shelly brought the reborn baby in the pictures and refused to put it down (her mom asked), and it started a mini-argument. The reborn baby stayed in the pictures."
"Later, I was talking to my sister, whose child is going to be the flower girl for my wedding. I was discussing getting photos before the wedding and just focusing on the group picture for the wedding."
"Shelly said it would be cute to do photos, and her 'baby' could be propped up for the pictures."
"After this, I realized I do not want that doll at the wedding. I don't want my family members to have to take care of a doll, like they already do at family events. I don't want to have to fight her not to include the baby in photos."
"I also find it so creepy and just don't want it at the wedding in the first place."
The OP wasn't sure how to start the conversation.
"I can't really go to my family for opinions on this because I know this will get back to her."
"My future husband is on my side with this, but I want some other opinions."
"I need to know if I would be a massive a**hole if I told her not to bring her reborn baby to the wedding."
"WIBTA? AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the grieving cousin needed therapy, not a plus-one wedding invitation.
"She needs a therapist, and I say this kindly. The fact that she treats her doll like a real baby is a sign that she needs professional help."
"You could try to speak to her, but odds are, it'll probably cause a confrontation, and she may even refuse to attend your wedding completely."
"You're well within your right to ask her not to bring her doll, but I don't see her complying, unless maybe your family backs you up?" - d33psix
"Those dolls are meant to be used in conjunction with therapy. It's supposed to help with the initial empty-arm feelings of grief. Not to be a crutch, relied on for years, building a fantasy that the whole family feeds into. This is moving beyond therapeutic aide into unhealthy delusion." - Apprehensive_War9612
"NTA, your cousin needs therapy. Tell her she cannot bring the doll. Be prepared, though. She is going to get extremely upset and start getting family members on her side."
"If you decide to do this, it will be no means no for all your family members, and that your cousin and a few other relatives might not come to your wedding."
"I would suggest that you start working on comebacks, like, 'My cousin needs therapy, not a doll,' and, 'I'm not ok with family members being scolded during my wedding for not watching a doll,' and 'I love my cousin, and she needs therapy,' etc… Good luck." - Suitable_Doubt7359
"Cousin is grieving so badly that she's delusional at this point. That's bad but understandable. What isn't is everyone around her acting like the doll is real and this behavior is normal. Cousin needs therapy, and everyone else needs to come out of denial." - lovemyfurryfamily
"NTA. Your cousin needs intense grief therapy."
"Grief is awful, and everyone deals with it differently and on their own schedule. But this cousin, using a doll surrogate without any other help (that we know about) to accept the death of her child, seems wrong."
"I question the cousin's version of reality. If she is to ever have a live child, she needs help now to get her through this. One child doesn't replace another, but that living child deserves a healthy and present mother."
"OP is NTA."
"My aunt had what I refer to as her 'trauma bear.' It did come to weddings. He had a tux. She would pay for a seat on the plane for him, the whole nine. The trauma she went through completely negates anything anyone might say about the bear for me."
"That being said, she knew she had a stuffed bear, not real, and that people thought it was weird and that he was not going to be in things like wedding photos."
"It'd be wildly different if the OP's cousin were in that headspace and just wants something to hug, but she's not. This is not that." - booksycat
Others agreed and said the OP was NTA, while others were enabling the cousin's struggles.
"NTA. Your cousin needs help. The people around her, accommodating this behavior, are doing her a disservice." - Shanny0628
"I bet the family doesn't want to rock the boat. They're complicit in her sliding this far and not getting help, because none of them want to be the one responsible for doing anything."
"The fact that they've let it get to this point means they're essentially encouraging it or at the very least going along with it instead of getting her help. It sucks for everyone, and currently it sucks for you, OP, but you're far from an AH for feeling this way." - Agreeable-Car-6428
"I will at least say, other family members are indirectly confronting her, but she isn't listening."
"They've said no to holding the baby, and she gets angry."
"Memorial Day, the cousin's mother confronted her and asked her to put the doll down so they could have pictures without it. She got angry and had an argument with her mother."
"The family is trying to walk the line of supporting someone who's grieving but being firm about setting some boundaries. The cousin either isn't listening or isn't able to get past her grief."
"If it's the former, they all need to agree on how to handle it, and they need to hold the line. If it's the latter, if the cousin isn't ABLE to move past it and let go of the doll, then she needs in-patient treatment."
"Saying no for this wedding and encouraging her to go anyway may be a very reasonable next step." - throwaway798319
"Hopefully, at some point, the grief will become bearable for this cousin. But having her in a bunch of pictures with a doll will be a constant reminder of her grief and likely embarrassment when she 'wakes up' from the delusion. It's not kind to play into this delusion."
"It's one thing to have the doll as a memory of what was lost and even something to hold while you say goodbye."
"It's another to change its diaper and carry a diaper bag for something that isn't real." - kirste29
"Enabling her dysfunctional behavior to continue this long. This is a great disservice to her and to her mental health. Instead, they need to be advocating therapy and grief counseling."
"I would be uncomfortable with her at a wedding, especially with her packing around her pseudo-baby and her expectations of it to be fully present in photographs or video, if you are doing a wedding video."
"If you can… Say no children allowed, unless in the wedding party. That is, if you won't offend other parents, too. You might consider a babysitter provided for children under… whatever age you prefer."
"I would prefer a no-child wedding, but that is just me." - Opinionated6319
The subReddit struggled to process the situation the OP was watching unfold with her grieving cousin. They empathized with this grieving mom and her inability or unwillingness to let go of her stillborn child by cherishing this "reborn" baby.
That being said, they also felt that the baby was preventing the OP's cousin from facing reality and coming back to her own life where she could heal and move on.
Perhaps by not allowing the baby doll to attend the wedding, if enough family members were willing to speak up, perhaps the OP's cousin would begin to understand that what she was doing wasn't working and that she needed to try something else.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.