There is little any expectant mother looks forward to more than delivering their special bundle of joy.
That being said, many pregnant women anticipate the actual birth with a fair amount of unease.
With this in mind, many soon-to-be mothers have a strict birthing plan, planning how everything should go on the big day to an almost minute detail.
Of course, as is often the case, even the best laid plans can fail to fall through.
The son and daughter in-law (DIL) of Redditor dil-issue-1046 were expecting their first child.
Like many other expectant mothers, the original poster (OP)'s DIL had a strict birth plan.
A birth plan the OP did not approve of at all, and wasn't afraid to say so.
Wondering if they were out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for ruining my daughter in laws birth plan?"
The OP explained why they derailed their DIL's birth plan:
"My son and DIL are staying with me at the moment."
"Their house is being fixed due to a flooding issue that happened about a week ago."
"A fire hydrant broke and flooded the houses near it."
"Due to this there home needs some of the floors replaced, and it is not safe for them to be there while contractors deal with the damage."
"My DIL is supposed to give birth to her first kid at the beginning of next month, and their home will not be fixed in time."
"They have been staying with me and set up a little nursery in the guest bedroom."
"My home is not big."
"I downsized years ago, so I live in a 2-bedroom, 1-bathroom home."
"I learned this weekend that she was planning on having a water home birth and a midwife during it."
"I thought she was going to the hospital, but that apparently wasn't the plan."
"She plans to have the kid in a basically a blown up pool that goes in the house."
"The only two places it will fit are the living room or if I move my bed in the master bedroom."
"I thought about it, and I am not comfortable with that happening in my home."
"I told her this today, and she was pissed."
"We got into an argument, and she is mad that I ruined her birth plan."
"My son wants me to apologize and have it here."
"Again, I am against it."
"I don't want her giving birth in my living room."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**Hole for telling their DIL that she couldn't have a water birth in their house.
Everyone agreed that the OP's DIL home birthing plan was fine for her home, but as that was now off the table, she needed to make adjustments. Since it was the OP's house, they had the right to say what could and couldn't be done:
"Almost all instances of mothers-in-law interfering with the birth of their grandchild are wrong."
"Except this one."
"You’re entitled to an opinion and full veto power since this plan would happen in YOUR house."
"NTA."- Tiger-Lily88
"NTA."
"And you aren't messing up her birthing plan."
"Her home flood did."
"This is your home, and you get to decide what happens in it."- LowBalance4404
"NTA, it is your property and home."
"Also, it would be good for your DIL to note that her birth plan was not ruined by you, rather by whoever failed to maintain the fire hydrant and forced them out of their home."- BigSkyUser_40k
"NTA."
"She can make the decision to do a homebirth when the location is in her home, but she doesn’t get to make that decision about someone else's home."- sun_and_stars8
"NTA."
"You didn't ruin your DIL's birth plan, a broken fire hydrant did."
'And that really sucks, and I feel for her."
"But this isn't your fault."
"She's in a really tough place, hormonally, but I would just keep gently reminding her that you're just helping make Plan B (giving birth in a hospital) work, not ruining Plan A."
"Also, I'm assuming that unless your son and his wife owned their home outright, their mortgage company required them to hold fairly comprehensive home insurance, the type that covers alternate housing while the home is being rebuilt."
"It might be worth reminding your son that their insurance may actually cover housing that could allow your DIL her Plan A."-winnie_the_grizzly
"NTA."
"Your home, your rules."
"She should find a birthing center that has a tub."
"Safer all around & she gets her pool."- PlatypusDream
"NTA."
"You did not ruin her birth plan."
"Flooding ruined her birth plan."
"She did not formulate a birth plan that included giving birth at someone else's home, especially without their permission."
"Personally, I think water ruining her birth plan to give birth in water is a sign that water is not her friend right now."
"At the very least, it's a sign that large amounts of water inside a house can be a bad idea."- calminthedark
"NTA."
"Absolutely not."
"Jesus, she should go to a hospital."
"A lot of hospitals have birthing tubs too, she should look into it."- bokatan778
"With the title, I was a little leery."
"I absolutely think you are NTA."
"They are guests in your home."
"You said it’s not very big, so there just isn’t space."
"Unfortunately, circumstances happen out of our control, and plans have to adjust."
"With every birth, plans may need to change- it’s unfortunate, but it happens."
"I agree with PC that she should look into a birthing center!"- RevolutionarySoft742
"NTA."
"Midwives have specific places for this."
"They aren’t hospitals but more like midwife centers."
"She can go there if she really wants to."- needGuidance792087
"Reading the title before clicking 'Oh hell yeah, you probably suck'.”
"After reading the post 'What in the f*ck'.”
"NTA."- TheYarnGoblin
"NTA."
"There is no way I would allow this in my home, and I'm still in a larger home."
"I guarantee that there's going to be water all over your floor from moving around."
"Tell them you're sorry, but they need to get their insurance to cover a short-term rental."
"And no landlord is going to let them set up a swimming pool inside either."
"There are birthing centers that offer water births at their OWN facilities."- MarthaT001
"NTA."
"Maybe she can go to some sort of birthing Clinic?"
"I mean, it might be last second, but she shouldn't have assumed she could have a water birth in your living room."
"But yeah definite issue and problem."- NaturesVividPictures
"NTA."
"If she wants a water birth and doesn't have her own space to do it, she needs to find a birthing center that offers that service."- skabillybetty
"NTA."
"At the very least, they should have discussed it with you."- littlepinkroses
"You didn't ruin her birth plan."
"The town ruined her birth plan."
"Giving birth in an inflatable pool is not ideal."
"The town can pay for her preferred childbirth method."
"NTA."- _bufflehead
"NTA."
"I have had 2 babies myself, both of which needed emergent and unexpected help during birth, so we both didn’t die."
"Outside of the very reasonable desire not to have a pool of water, blood, and other bodily fluids in your home and not have to listen to anywhere from 10 to 40 hours or more of labor, there is another reason I would never say yes."
"My husband was a firefighter/ emt and my best friend a nicu nurse."
"The thing with home birth is that everything is fine until it isn’t, and when it isn’t, it can go horribly wrong very, very quickly, especially in the US, where midwife standards are not universal."
"I would not be okay with the risk of my DiL bleeding out in my living room or my grandchild being stillborn or dying in my bedroom."
"It is not okay to ask someone to turn their home into a potential trauma nightmare for your own purely selfish desires."-Revnorthwest
"NTA."
"I cannot even fathom giving birth in someone’s living room where I am a guest."
"Yikes. On. Bikes."- Tiny_Boat_7983
"NTA. and worse - they knew you wouldn’t be cool with it or else they would have brought up the plan sooner."- missmegz1492
"NTA."
"This should have been disclosed prior to moving in."
"You’re being so helpful having them stay and bring a newborn in."
"That’s enough."- Lthrluv2013
"What?"
"No, you’re NTA."
"This is your home, so you’re entitled to set boundaries."- Juls1016
It can't be easy for the OP's DIL to stray from her birth plan.
However, sometimes circumstances beyond our control force us to make necessary changes.
Hopefully, when the OP's DIL holds her beautiful baby in her arms, she'll forget she ever had a birth plan to begin with.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.