Most of us have some sort of horror story example of someone we’ve lived with: our childhood family, roommates, exes…
One variable most of these stories have in common? Someone in the household made your life miserable.
Like this one woman’s roommate, who made all the rules in the house, according to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor depressioncakes has reached a point that she’s thought about moving out.
But the Original Poster (OP) also wonders if she did something wrong.
She asked:
“AITA for not telling my roommate about my secret depression cakes?”
The OP has struggled with her new lifestyle.
“I (22[female]) live with my best friend “Brooke” (23[female]) in a 2 bedroom apt. Brooke owns the apt, but I pay her rent & utilities to live in the spare bedroom.”
“Brooke is a HUGE health/fitness nut.”
“She goes to the gym for hours almost every day and only ever eats healthy food and counts every calorie. I love how motivated she is, but I’m not really suited to that lifestyle.”
“I exercise a few times a week and try to eat nutritiously and am generally fit, but I suffer from depression, meaning I find it difficult to be as active and disciplined as her.”
“When I moved in with Brooke, she made it clear that she wanted me to adopt her lifestyle. She hates sweets, fried food, etc., and didn’t want them in the [apartment].”
“This was going well at first, but with so much going on in my life and my depression worsening, I found it hard to keep up with her regimen.”
“She started counting my calories along with hers and criticizing my eating. I developed major body image issues.”
“Every time I told her it made me uncomfortable, she insisted that she was only looking out for me.”
The OP decided to do something for herself.
“This is where the depression cakes come in.”
“I LOVE cake. It makes me feel better when I’m depressed, so I’ll occasionally buy a small one if I’m feeling rough.”
“Knowing her feelings on junk food, I’ve been keeping my cakes in a small cooler under my bathroom sink (she uses a different bathroom).”
“On my bad days, I’ll lock my door and eat a slice. If she asks I say I’m journaling, [because] I know she’ll shame me for being unhealthy.”
It was working until Brooke found out.
“A couple days ago she went into my bathroom to look for toilet paper rolls.”
“That’s when she found my latest depression cake. She confronted me about it, furious.”
“Said I was ruining my health and throwing away the work she put in to help me.”
“Most of all, she was angry that I lied to her and kept the cakes a secret knowing they were banned in her apt.”
The OP has terribly mixed feelings.
“I feel terrible for breaking her rules in HER home, but also it’s just cake, and I think it’s unfair of her to tell me what to eat.”
“She demanded I throw away what’s left of the cake, which I did, but I’m genuinely confused if I’m at fault here.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out Brooke could have an eating disorder.
“Is Brooke a health nut, or does she use her enthusiasm for fitness and healthy eating as a mask for an eating disorder? Because your post gives me an impression that it’s the latter. If she can’t live with having a few snack foods (that aren’t even hers!) in the house, then she’s got a real problem.”
“NTA. I hope you can find a new roommate soon, because Brooke’s behavior is very toxic and has already had a negative impact on you. People who are confident about and secure in their life choices don’t shame others for theirs.” – Katt_ler
“That isn’t what it takes to have a healthy lifestyle and what is considered healthy varies person to person.”
“Her trying to push her habits on you makes me think she may have an eating disorder or some control issues.”
“She can’t determine what is healthy for you because she isn’t you and your roommate shouldn’t be able to dictate what food you’re allowed to have unless they’re allergic to it.” – HauntedAery333
“Yeah, as someone who has to be nagged to eat regularly? I got a few sentences in and immediately pegged your roommate as having an eating disorder that she masks with ‘healthy choices’.”
“I used to do that. I also used to sometimes only eat a single piece of fruit for an entire weekend in high school because since I was sedentary I didn’t ‘need’ more than that. And I could still ignore my dad’s three open packages of cookies because that man has always had a damn black hole in his stomach.”
“NTA and please consider your housing situation. You don’t need her obsessiveness ruining your own relationship with food too.” – coraeon
“I just want to point out what a lot of people call ‘a healthy lifestyle’ is often something called orthorexia, an eating disorder where one is obsessed with food quality and ‘only eating healthy’.”
“Eating cake or sweets is not inherently unhealthy because eating things you like is good for your mental health, but it becomes a problem if you overeat. It’s not fair for someone else to dictate your diet.”
“When I deal with my depression, I eat my favorite meals to try to avoid binging and it helps sometimes and if eating cake occasionally helps you cheer up you should be allowed to do that.” – baby_witch_raver
Others said the OP was in a toxic, controlling relationship with her roommate.
“‘but she’s told me it’s not my place.'”
“But it’s her place to dictate to you every item of food you eat?”
“She is controlling, manipulative and as said above, more than likely a projection of her own disordered eating at the very least.”
“Also, get the h**l out, she’s not a friend, she’s not even a good roommate.”
“Rock Solid NTA”
“And also to reiterate something someone else said below, you wouldn’t accept this from a romantic partner ( I hope) it would be classed as abuse.” – orri-san
“tbh (to be honest), it’s STILL abusive behavior. One doesn’t have to be family or an S/O for it to be abuse.” – twilitfall
“This is my feeling also. Brooke is an abusive person here. What would we be saying if Brooke were OP’s husband or boyfriend?”
“This is dangerous territory, and Brooke needs a professional to help her work through her obsession with food and her control issues.” – midsummerxnight
“Literally could not have said it better myself.”
“Roommate has NO business dictating OP’s diet or lifestyle. This is toxic and abusive, regardless of the relationship.” – thehufflepuffstoner
A few recommended therapy for both of them.
“You are NTA. I also recommend getting yourself therapy and talking about this because that kind of habits, comments, manipulation and control can really stay with you.” – SleepyBi97
“Oh, but it’s her place to [lose] her s**t if you eat cake?”
“This girl has serious issues. Compulsive need for control is common in anorexic people. I say this as someone who struggled with anorexia for many years.”
“This situation is in no way normal or healthy. You eating in your bathroom out of shame is not normal.”
“The fact that she owns the house is not relevant. This is all beyond AITA territory.”
“She needs help, and the fact that you’re locking yourself in the bathroom to eat so that your roommate doesn’t yell at you tells me you probably need help too.” – CircusSloth3
“OP: NTA. You pay rent here. This is YOUR home too, and are allowed to do what you want with your food and body.”
“She is pushing her body image issues on to you. Is it ok for her to make you struggle so she doesn’t have to? That’s what’s happening.”
“If she is struggling so bad that you eating junk in the privacy of your room is bothersome to her, she needs serious help.”
“It’s not your place to tell her what to do with her life, but it’s also not hers to tell you what to do with yours. If she think sit’s fine to tell you what to do, then she shouldn’t be a hypocrite when you do the same.”
“Good luck with your depression.” – dnjprod
“As a survivor of an eating disorder:”
“You cannot help her. She is trying to have a partner in her disordered habits. You do not have to adopt them.”
“You need to get the hell out of that house ASAP and go to therapy yourself to start repairing your relationship with your body.”
“And obviously NTA.” – Nicole-Bolas
We obviously have to come to some sort of consensus when we live with someone, roommate or otherwise, but when one person is making all the rules for the entire house? That’s a bit of a red flag.