Boundaries and privacy are the sort of thing we all hope and expect will be respected by people who come into our homes.
But if someone “means well” is there a point at which it’s understandable for them to violate that? Is the violated party obligated to be “nice” about how they handle that violation?
A 25-year-old male Reddit user going by “ThrowRA_0_0_” found himself at odds with his roommate’s over-stepping 22-year-old girlfriend and she’s not thrilled with how he handled things.
Her anger at him doesn’t necessarily mean he was wrong, as far as he is concerned. So the Original Poster (OP) turned to the AITA (“Am I The A**hole?”) subReddit to get their thoughts.
OP asked:
“AITA for yelling at my roommate’s girlfriend because she hid my credit card and then claimed it was for my betterment?”
Before getting into people’s responses, lets talk about how AITA works.
First, the Reddit user with the problem makes a post about it. Once that’s done, other users read what the original poster (OP) shared, and use the comments to cast their votes and talk about why they voted that way.
Voting options are:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Now let’s talk about this credit card conundrum.
“I live with my close friend, Josh (also male, 25) and his girlfriend, Anna. It used to be only Josh and I until the lockdown started back in March and Anna permanently moved in.”
“I get along okay with Anna but we’re not super close. I guess that establishes the group dynamics.”
“Yesterday, I couldn’t find my credit card. Josh and I searched the entire apartment for two f’king hours but we couldn’t find it.”
“Then walks in Anna, after her evening walk, and goes ‘what are y’all upto’ to which I ask her if she’s seen my credit card.”
“She straight up says that yep, she has it. I was like what the f’k are YOU doing with my credit card?”
“To which she said that I shouldn’t worry as she didn’t intend to use my card, she only took it to help with my addiction. What addiction?”
“She thinks I’m a ‘shopaholic’ and that I buy way too much useless sh*t. She saw some movie the night before where the protagonist had this condition and shopped herself into a crazy debt.”
“That movie reminded her of me. She said, I quote ,’You’re not there yet but you will be if someone doesn’t intervene’.”
“I was pissed off at this point because:”
“A. I do not have a shopping problem. And even if I did, I am using MY money that I work hard for to buy things I like.
“She’s absolutely no one to try to poke her nose into my business and…”
“B. her having my card meant that she came inside my room, snooped through my stuff until she found the card, which is a gross violation of my privacy.”
“So I asked, rather loudly, to stay the f’k away from my things and that I would f’king call the cops on her if she ever tried pulling a stunt like this again.”
“Josh was not aware of her stealing and he’s siding with me. But Anna’s trying to convince him that her intentions were pure and that I’m grossly overreacting and being a d*ck to her.”
“AITA?”
Reddit came down hard on this one.
“NTA. She’s not your parent and you’re not a child and she’s not your spouse or legally responsible for your debt.”
“She stole something of yours and regardless of her intentions she’s absolutely wrong. Your roommate should be standing up for you.” – queenoreo
“She saw a rom com with Isla Fisher and thought: ‘Seems legit!'”
“NTA. She needs help.” – Wistastic
“NTA looks like Anna needs a humble pie.”
“Does she pay rent, utilities, groceries? Is her name on the lease?”
“If no, then it’s time for Anna to move out! If she pays and on the lease then get a lock/safe/both.”
“And check your bank/credit statements (since she’s been living with you, not just the last one, future ones too) and if you have any charges that weren’t you report it and Anna as well.”
“Better if you treat it as stolen card (it was stolen!). Cancel it and get a new one.”
“Next stunt, get her evicted if you can or/and cops.”
“Or you can report her and the theft now too and get her out of the apartment now if you don’t want to risk her 2nd stunt…” – cuteshine1701
“NTA most definitely.”
“Even if she were a certified therapist or medical professional, it is grossly unethical, and illegal even, for her to attempt to ‘diagnose’ and ‘treat’ you without your consent.”
“Also, straight up violating your privacy and stealing your stuff is illegal.”
“Her ‘intentions’ in this case don’t matter. There are so many boundaries that she crossed in her little stunt here that you need to get all three of you together and lay down the law.”
“Don’t go in screaming and yelling. Get calm and then forcefully and calmly tell her that this is unacceptable and that if this ever happened again, you’ll be taking legal action.”
“Impress upon her that ‘overreacting’ or not, you have the law on your side and you won’t hesitate to use it. At this point, it doesn’t matter what her feelings are, she needs to know she can’t do stuff like that ever.” – UVSaturated
“NTA. That’s theft.”
“She’s not your parent (in fact she’s younger than you) and not anyone to dole out ‘interventions’ on others’ behalf.”
“If I were you I’d put a lock on your door, and tell her to keep her condescending assumptions and ‘help’ to herself.” – B4Pangea
“NTA, first off she watched a rom-com.”
“I know exactly what movie she’s talking about, it’s not exactly a psychological analysis on shopaholics and it’s certainly not a documentary or a how-to.”
“Her being one is literally just a plot device. I would call your bank and get a new card, just in case.” – projectxplode
“Some of the worst things in history occurred with the best of intentions.”
“Just because she didn’t use the card doesn’t mean she didn’t steal it….she absolutely stole it!!!”
“Unless you’ve been crying poverty, starving, missing bills or not paying rent there is no reason to even question your financial habits and even then it would be a verbal sit down….not a confiscation of your access to money!”
“Credit can also be used for good reasons….building credit….0% interest on larger purchases or saving up rewards by using it but paying off in full.”
“I would be angry too! She is TA here, not you.”
“I’m sure bf is seeing a side of Anna he will be feeling very nervous about!” – MyNameIsNotShirley
“Even if her intentions were pure, her actions were grossly inappropriate. How dare she and wtf.”
“Red flag for controlling! She needs to mind her own damn business and if she ever tries anything like this again, you can call the cops with a clear conscience that you are NTA.” – ServantOfBosco
“At 22, she doesn’t know that movies aren’t real?” – Ann3Nym
“NTA what she did was not okay in any capacity!”
“Not searching for it, not taking it, not hiding it, none of it. If she was worried about you and your so called shopping addiction, she could have talked to you, or talked to Josh about it and have him talk to you about it.”
“What she did was underhanded and wrong.” – AcrossTheMilkySeas
“NTA at all, that is insane behavior for an acquaintance.”
“Cancel your card and get a new one in case she copied the information and get a lock for your door.”
“I’m glad your roommate is on your side, this is the kind of red flag he should be looking for in a relationship—meddling in someone else’s business to such a degree will absolutely come back later in a bad way.” – distinguisheddisnerd
“This girl is crazy as hell. What on Earth gives her the right to go through your stuff and take something from you?”
“Because she saw a rom-com?! The nerves! What is wrong with this girl?”
“The lack of respect towards your privacy is WOW. She will be a problem down the Line between you and your Friend be careful” – Cidyy
“NTA – she’s playing armchair psychologist and stealing your stuff over a movie.”
“You have every right to be angry. She’s not your mom or partner so even if you had a problem it’s not her place to intervene.”
“And that’s a huge boundary violation in a place where you should feel safe.” – LizzyrdCE
Hopefully OP is able to recover his sense of privacy and security in his home, whether Anna is allowed to stay in it or not.