Honesty is the best policy, right? Well…
If being honest serves no purpose, is there greater value in keeping silent?
Like when someone asks for an opinion on their new hairdo. Isn’t the time for honesty before the damage is done? After, what’s the point in telling someone they look awful?
A woman tired of her friend’s honesty turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Takenandgiven asked:
“AITA for telling my friend her ‘quirky’ behavior is just being rude?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (25, female) have a friend, let’s call her Sarah (24, female), who’s always been kind of unique. She’s one of those people who prides herself on being ‘quirky’ and ‘different’, and while I get that, sometimes it crosses a line into being rude or inconsiderate.”
“She will often interrupt people mid-conversation to share her ‘random’ thoughts, even if it’s completely off-topic.”
“She’s also really loud and makes awkward comments about personal things, like loudly asking a couple if they’ve ‘ever considered an open relationship’ at a dinner party or commenting on someone’s weight without any filter.”
“I’ve talked to her about it in a nice way before, saying that sometimes it feels like she’s not really paying attention to the social dynamics or how others might feel, but she brushes it off with a ‘I’m just being myself, take it or leave it!’.”
“This weekend, we were at a gathering, and she made a huge scene by loudly criticizing a mutual friend’s new haircut. It was a bad cut, but she didn’t need to say anything.”
“I finally snapped and told her that she’s not quirky, she’s just being rude, and it’s really starting to get on my nerves.”
“She was really upset, said I was trying to suppress her personality and that I don’t appreciate her for who she is. Now, she’s ignoring me, and our friend group is divided.”
“AITA for calling her out, or should I have just let her continue with her quirky behavior?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I think I might be the a**hole because I was pretty blunt and harsh with her, even though I know she has a tendency to be outspoken and unconventional.”
“While I do think she was being inconsiderate, I could’ve approached her more gently and given her a chance to reflect on her behavior without attacking her.”
“Instead, I hit her with a direct criticism that probably hurt her feelings, and now I’m wondering if I overstepped by doing that in front of our friends. Maybe I should’ve waited for a private moment to address it, or been more tactful in my approach.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“The truth without kindness is brutality. She’s not quirky. She’s mean.
“Also, what you told her was the ‘quirky’ truth. Is she the only one who gets to be ‘honest’? NTA.” ~ ButtonsSnapZipper
“‘I refuse to control myself in any way! Take it or leave it!’ So just leave it.
“You can even apologize for your comment. ‘I’m sorry friend, you’re right. I was wrong to ask you to behave yourself. This is who you are, take it or leave it. Who I am is someone who can’t be friends with someone who acts like you do. Best of luck with your life’.”
“Also, wait and see how long the folks in your friend group find her antics charming. She’s an edgy teenager in an adult body who knows she’s behaving poorly, but doesn’t want to stop.” ~ imyourkidnotyourmom
“NTA, and I don’t understand how so many of these stories have ‘divided friend groups’. Who is defending her‽‽”
“Your friend wants to be able to do what she wants without consequence and is using ‘manic pixie quirky, I’m not like other people, teehee’ as a shield.”
“‘It’s just who I am!’ Cool, then who you are is a jerk, and I have no social obligation to continue putting up with it. Go be yourself with someone else.” ~ Square-Raspberry560
“People who don’t want to rock the boat. Conflict avoiders who would rather just deal with the comments than rock the boat.” ~ AccurateSession1354
“What do you do with guys who make gross comments and excuse it as jokes? You ask them how it was funny and watch them sputter.”
“Same with this chick; ask her how a specifically rude comment is quirky. How is laying into someone about their bad haircut quirky? Did Zoey Deschanel do it at some point in New Girl and that’s where you got the idea?”
“NTA and avoid people like these. We operate in real life, not on a Tumblr page.” ~ bundleofgrundle
“Yikes, NTA. This is someone—if you’re able to since you’re part of a larger friend group—I would start leaving out the invite for. If she can’t behave in these settings, she has no business being there.” ~ SqueakyShoes117
“NTA. I would leave it, if I were you. This is how people like Sarah learn their behavior is obnoxious.”
“I’m not understanding her mentality. She’s allowed to speak her mind, but you aren’t allowed to speak your mind about her mind?”
“How does she not see the contradiction? I would stop being friends with her just because of the sheer stupidity of it all.” ~ autotelica
“OP, you are NTA with a big but! But —don’t be hanging with Quirky anymore. It’s not your deal to talk over her, correct her, or embarrass her. Lead the way by walking away.” ~ DallasSherier
“Wait why can she be honest but not you? Maybe your personality is being honest. NTA.” ~ zoomerang93
“She sounds insufferable. She’s ignoring you now? Love it when trash takes itself out.”
“People who have zero self-awareness need to be told, no you’re not unique you’re just annoying. NTA and enjoy life without this nightmare of a ‘friend’.” ~ Glum_Home_8172
“I met a girl a year or two ago who prided herself on having a personality really close to Phoebe’s from Friends.”
“She personally thought she was hilarious, quirky, different, a free spirit, sexual, whatever else the character is.”
“In reality, she was rude, obnoxious, delusional, full of herself, and generally came off as trying too hard.”
“That all came out in a span of hours knowing her, btw. Needless to say, it was the first and last time I saw her. NTA.” ~ Mysterious-Stock-948
“This girl sounds like just another version of ‘I’m brutally honest’ people, but she wraps it up in a ‘manic pixie dream girl’ persona, and honestly, those are two of the worst types of personalities I can imagine.”
“You’re definitely not the a**hole (NTA) at all for calling her out for her behaviour, but she’s clearly not planning to change. You can’t not ‘let her continue with her quirky behavior’ because you’re not in charge of her.”
“What you can do is either stop hanging out with her, or decide to continue calling her out when she’s being an a**hole (which she is).”
“If you choose to keep seeing her, though, I would recommend a change in approach. Don’t wait until you’re mad and then start yelling.”
“Just kindly and gently point out when she’s being rude.”
“She interrupted someone? Interrupt her immediately and say ‘Hey Sarah, I don’t think that John was finished yet. John, you were saying something about…’ and redirect it back to him.
“She asks a couple if they want an open relationship? Say, ‘Oh…that was a strange thing to say. Anyway, John, you were saying…’.”
“She just wants attention with this behavior, and if you take it away from her, she’ll probably stop. To me, though, it sounds like a lot of work to keep spending time with this a**hole.” ~ ThePhilV
“People like this tend to dish it out but can’t take it. When THEY are being hurtful or rude they are ‘being honest’ or ‘being myself’, but if someone else does it they are not. “
“People like this seem to think that they are the only real human in a world of NPCs.”
“It’s okay to be quirky. Hell, I have autism so I am hella quirky and occasionally socially clueless/accidentally rude.”
“It is NEVER okay to hurt someone’s feelings. Being knowingly hurtful isn’t quirky, it’s mean.”
“Maybe this girl is neurodivergent and rather than take the trouble to learn how to consider others, she decided to radically accept herself. But in that case she is 100% an a**hole.”
“More likely is that she has zero self-control, and rather than admit that she is just a bunch of impulses and unrestrained feelings masquerading as a sentient being, she defends her behavior.”
“No matter which, she’s the A-hole. NTA.” ~ wolfcaroling
“At the start of your explanation, I thought that maybe she has ADHD. I have it. I am sometimes loud and interrupt people. I can also be a bit impulsive. I have friends who will gently tell me if I being too much.”
“What I’m not though is an unrepentant a**hole and mean. I know to keep hurtful thoughts to myself. So, big old NTA for you. Maybe she will take some time to reflect and apologize and maybe even grow.” ~ Creative-Bass9949
Since their friend has declared they have no intention of stopping their rude behavior, the OP needs to decide if they want to tolerate it or ditch this rude friend.
Reddit definitely thought the latter option was better.