Supporting family isn't always easy.
In fact, it can be one of the most difficult tasks in the world.
Family is sometimes too difficult to help.
But people keep trying.
However, the goodwill can only go so far.
Redditor Historical_Archer513 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for demanding my stepbrother start seeing his son again before I give him money for his pregnant G[irl]F[riend]?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (40 M[ale]) stepbrother (32 M) has a son (4 M) from his previous marriage to Emily (29 F[emale])."
"Their relationship after the divorce has been turbulent, to say the least."
"He used to be more involved in his son's life, but last year they had a dispute over child support, and since then he hasn't really seen him."
"I've tried to help them patch things up for the sake of the kid, but it's been impossible."
"I stay in touch with Emily and occasionally see her and the child."
"I also cover the boy's healthcare."
"Last month, my stepbrother called me."
"He's been dating his current girlfriend (25) for a couple of months, and he told me she's pregnant."
"They're genuinely happy about it."
"I tried to be supportive, but I felt it was questionable that he was jumping into having another child so quickly."
"The bigger issue came when he asked me for money, something he does occasionally, saying he needed help supporting his girlfriend through the pregnancy because she doesn't have a job and his salary is low."
"I was frustrated by the whole situation but tried to approach it constructively."
"I offered to help financially with the pregnancy if he repaired his co-parenting relationship with Emily and started seeing his son regularly again."
"I even offered to help with his child support arrears."
"He got offended."
"He insisted that he obviously wanted to see his son but claimed it was entirely Emily's fault that he hadn't."
"He said he needed to focus on his girlfriend and the upcoming baby right now, and that it wasn't the time to deal with his issues with Emily."
"He said he might revisit them after the new baby is born."
"I told him that wasn't acceptable and that if he stayed in that position, I couldn't help him financially."
"He got really upset and accused me of not caring about him or his new family, and of siding with Emily, which isn't true."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Stop giving your deadbeat brother money."
"Give your nephew money and keep a relationship with him."
"But honestly, don't do anything more for your brother or the young adult he knocked up."
"If you keep helping him, you're enabling that disaster." ~ WarDog1983
"A-f**kin'-men. OP, your stepbrother is a (I have been reading weird Alien-inspired short stories, so my adjectives are all kinda off at the moment) morally putrid wretch."
"He has no business having a baby with this new girlfriend when he can't pay for the one he already has."
"And presumably, based on what he said, that he might 'revisit those issues after the baby's born,' he isn't going to ever think about them again."
"Why should he, when he's been able to milk so much out of his stepbrother's bank account without making any concessions at all?"
"Dude's a gross a**hole."
"Emily and his son deserve better."
"You are NTA at all, and honestly, far more gracious than I would be by offering him so much with so little effort on his part."
"His grubby attitude about money and disdainful attitude about, y'know, his other child makes my teeth itch."
"Pay him no mind, and definitely no further attention spent on his greedy, annoying mewlings." ~ Embercream
"You'd be the hero here if you offered to pay for a vasectomy and he agreed." ~ Acrobatic_Hippo_9593
"Tell him you will pay for his vasectomy." ~ residentcaprice
"NTA. But honestly, that kid deserves a dad that isn't being bribed to be in his life."
"Stop financially supporting your brother and his poor choices." ~ CrabbiestAsp
"NTA. The standard rule of 'don't breed what you can't feed' applies."
"Tell him you're supporting his OTHER child, so you don't have the spare money to support yet another baby mama." ~ Sugar_Mama76
"The best way to get a person to grow up is to let them feel the consequences of their mistakes."
"Stop helping your brother and his son financially."
"Tell Emily and his new girlfriend to apply for government assistance."
"They will help with medical bills and will collect child support from your brother."
"Emily can go to court for child support and medical from your brother."
"His girlfriend can apply for medical assistance during pregnancy."
"This is not your problem or responsibility."
"Why are you involved?"
"For your stepnephew?"
"Set up a college fund for him, that's all you should be doing."
"So, trying to save your stepbrother from himself." ~ East-Tangerine1673
"He needs to stop having children that he can not support."
"You need to stop enabling a grown man who just wants money." ~ angelicak92
"You're not the a**hole, but your brother is, and he's gonna keep reproducing."
"Offered to pay for the vasectomy since he can't financially support the child he already has, let alone the new one that he is intentionally bringing into the world."
"You're not their financial safety net, and you're not their ATM." ~ United-Manner20
"NTA, except you yourself."
"Are you your brother's sugar daddy?"
"Tell Emily she has a year, then she has to get her own healthcare."
"Tell your brother that his responsibilities are his own."
"He chose to have another baby while not having the money to support it."
"His girlfriend decided to have a baby without having any money at all."
"People who are financially supported when they are adults never grow up and never understand money." ~ Spare_Ad5009
"So many people keep having babies that they can not possibly afford to care for, and always need someone else to foot the bill."
"Does his pregnant gf know he has a 4-year-old that he walked away from?"
"If it were me, I wouldn't be excited that I got pregnant from a guy like that."
"Why are you financially wanting to take all this on?"
"He will never step up if you volunteer to do it for him."
"You sound like a really nice person, but maybe step back."
"You can't make your brother do anything. NTA." ~ NoOil7805
"NTA. But… just cut that brother loose."
"Your support has probably added to his mess."
"Let him sink or swim."
"And don't get yourself attached to another kid."
"You'll end up supporting all of them."
"Just let him and all his bad mistakes go."
"You've already got a relationship with his first wife and kid."
"That's enough." ~ Free-Place-3930
"NTA, your brother can't just keep creating children and then abandoning them to create new ones."
"He has responsibilities to the child he already created, even if he now has another one on the way."
"If I were you, I would cut your brother out of your life and focus all that love and attention on my nephew."
"It seems like Emily could use the help, and the child could use a fatherly figure/favorite uncle." ~ thisisstupid-
"NTA, he lacks accountability and will continue to lack accountability."
"When he breaks up with this girlfriend, it'll be the same story."
"He'll be in arrears for 2 children instead of one."
"Don't help him, help the Moms because you want to, if you want to." ~ asamue16
"NTA, stop financially helping your brother, period."
"He is a grown adult."
"If he can't afford to support his children, then he needs to stop having them."
"Bailing him out will not help him grow into a capable adult."
"His current girlfriend also needs to learn what type of person he truly is." ~ Suitable_Doubt7359
"He needs to start taking full responsibility for his children."
"Why is he getting a new GF pregnant when they cannot afford a child, and he doesn't take care of the one he has?"
"I wouldn't give him anything. NTA." ~ Individual_Metal_983
"Was your stepbrother not around when his first child was born?"
"His life is going to be crazy hectic when the baby comes!"
"And money is going to be tighter because of all the diapers and wipes that will be needed on top of a new wardrobe every few weeks."
"If he keeps putting off rebuilding the relationship with his firstborn, the child will soon be old enough to remember and understand clearly, which will make it that much harder to rebuild."
"NTA, you are trying to help your nephew not have a deadbeat father."
"Condoms are so much cheaper than diapers!" ~ Useful-Literature357
"NTA unless you continue to give this deadbeat anything other than leads for better jobs."
"STOP giving him anything, for any reason!"
"You can't force or bribe him into a healthy relationship with his son."
"STOP giving him financial support other than paying for a vasectomy if he is willing." ~ StandardRaspberry509
"NTA. So after just a few Months of dating, he's happy this new GF is pregnant and needs money again."
"While he continues to neglect his first baby and refuses to pay child support."
"He doesn't even make enough money to support this new GF and future baby."
"Why isn't he making it a priority to find another job or work a second job?"
"And what's going to happen when this relationship ends?"
"Please stop enabling him because he'll never take responsibility."
"Please update us." ~ Sea_Effort1234
Well, OP, this is a sad situation.
You're a good brother and a great uncle.
It's time for your brother to man up.
You can't be responsible for his life or his kids.
Good Luck.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.