Supporting family isn't always easy.
In fact, it can be one of the most difficult tasks in the world.
Family is sometimes too difficult to help.
But people keep trying.
However, the goodwill can only go so far.
Redditor Historical_Archer513 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for demanding my stepbrother start seeing his son again before I give him money for his pregnant G[irl]F[riend]?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (40 M[ale]) stepbrother (32 M) has a son (4 M) from his previous marriage to Emily (29 F[emale])."
"Their relationship after the divorce has been turbulent, to say the least."
"He used to be more involved in his son's life, but last year they had a dispute over child support, and since then he hasn't really seen him."
"I've tried to help them patch things up for the sake of the kid, but it's been impossible."
"I stay in touch with Emily and occasionally see her and the child."
"I also cover the boy's healthcare."
"Last month, my stepbrother called me."
"He's been dating his current girlfriend (25) for a couple of months, and he told me she's pregnant."
"They're genuinely happy about it."
"I tried to be supportive, but I felt it was questionable that he was jumping into having another child so quickly."
"The bigger issue came when he asked me for money, something he does occasionally, saying he needed help supporting his girlfriend through the pregnancy because she doesn't have a job and his salary is low."
"I was frustrated by the whole situation but tried to approach it constructively."
"I offered to help financially with the pregnancy if he repaired his co-parenting relationship with Emily and started seeing his son regularly again."
"I even offered to help with his child support arrears."
"He got offended."
"He insisted that he obviously wanted to see his son but claimed it was entirely Emily's fault that he hadn't."
"He said he needed to focus on his girlfriend and the upcoming baby right now, and that it wasn't the time to deal with his issues with Emily."
"He said he might revisit them after the new baby is born."
"I told him that wasn't acceptable and that if he stayed in that position, I couldn't help him financially."
"He got really upset and accused me of not caring about him or his new family, and of siding with Emily, which isn't true."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Stop giving your deadbeat brother money."
"Give your nephew money and keep a relationship with him."
"But honestly, don't do anything more for your brother or the young adult he knocked up."
"If you keep helping him, you're enabling that disaster." ~ WarDog1983
"A-f**kin'-men. OP, your stepbrother is a (I have been reading weird Alien-inspired short stories, so my adjectives are all kinda off at the moment) morally putrid wretch."
"He has no business having a baby with this new girlfriend when he can't pay for the one he already has."
"And presumably, based on what he said, that he might 'revisit those issues after the baby's born,' he isn't going to ever think about them again."
"Why should he, when he's been able to milk so much out of his stepbrother's bank account without making any concessions at all?"
"Dude's a gross a**hole."
"Emily and his son deserve better."
"You are NTA at all, and honestly, far more gracious than I would be by offering him so much with so little effort on his part."
"His grubby attitude about money and disdainful attitude about, y'know, his other child makes my teeth itch."
"Pay him no mind, and definitely no further attention spent on his greedy, annoying mewlings." ~ Embercream
"You'd be the hero here if you offered to pay for a vasectomy and he agreed." ~ Acrobatic_Hippo_9593
"Tell him you will pay for his vasectomy." ~ residentcaprice
"NTA. But honestly, that kid deserves a dad that isn't being bribed to be in his life."
"Stop financially supporting your brother and his poor choices." ~ CrabbiestAsp
"NTA. The standard rule of 'don't breed what you can't feed' applies."
"Tell him you're supporting his OTHER child, so you don't have the spare money to support yet another baby mama." ~ Sugar_Mama76
"The best way to get a person to grow up is to let them feel the consequences of their mistakes."
"Stop helping your brother and his son financially."
"Tell Emily and his new girlfriend to apply for government assistance."
"They will help with medical bills and will collect child support from your brother."
"Emily can go to court for child support and medical from your brother."
"His girlfriend can apply for medical assistance during pregnancy."
"This is not your problem or responsibility."
"Why are you involved?"
"For your stepnephew?"
"Set up a college fund for him, that's all you should be doing."
"So, trying to save your stepbrother from himself." ~ East-Tangerine1673
"He needs to stop having children that he can not support."
"You need to stop enabling a grown man who just wants money." ~ angelicak92
"You're not the a**hole, but your brother is, and he's gonna keep reproducing."
"Offered to pay for the vasectomy since he can't financially support the child he already has, let alone the new one that he is intentionally bringing into the world."
"You're not their financial safety net, and you're not their ATM." ~ United-Manner20
"NTA, except you yourself."
"Are you your brother's sugar daddy?"
"Tell Emily she has a year, then she has to get her own healthcare."
"Tell your brother that his responsibilities are his own."
"He chose to have another baby while not having the money to support it."
"His girlfriend decided to have a baby without having any money at all."
"People who are financially supported when they are adults never grow up and never understand money." ~ Spare_Ad5009
"So many people keep having babies that they can not possibly afford to care for, and always need someone else to foot the bill."
"Does his pregnant gf know he has a 4-year-old that he walked away from?"
"If it were me, I wouldn't be excited that I got pregnant from a guy like that."
"Why are you financially wanting to take all this on?"
"He will never step up if you volunteer to do it for him."
"You sound like a really nice person, but maybe step back."
"You can't make your brother do anything. NTA." ~ NoOil7805
"NTA. But… just cut that brother loose."
"Your support has probably added to his mess."
"Let him sink or swim."
"And don't get yourself attached to another kid."
"You'll end up supporting all of them."
"Just let him and all his bad mistakes go."
"You've already got a relationship with his first wife and kid."
"That's enough." ~ Free-Place-3930
"NTA, your brother can't just keep creating children and then abandoning them to create new ones."
"He has responsibilities to the child he already created, even if he now has another one on the way."
"If I were you, I would cut your brother out of your life and focus all that love and attention on my nephew."
"It seems like Emily could use the help, and the child could use a fatherly figure/favorite uncle." ~ thisisstupid-
"NTA, he lacks accountability and will continue to lack accountability."
"When he breaks up with this girlfriend, it'll be the same story."
"He'll be in arrears for 2 children instead of one."
"Don't help him, help the Moms because you want to, if you want to." ~ asamue16
"NTA, stop financially helping your brother, period."
"He is a grown adult."
"If he can't afford to support his children, then he needs to stop having them."
"Bailing him out will not help him grow into a capable adult."
"His current girlfriend also needs to learn what type of person he truly is." ~ Suitable_Doubt7359
"He needs to start taking full responsibility for his children."
"Why is he getting a new GF pregnant when they cannot afford a child, and he doesn't take care of the one he has?"
"I wouldn't give him anything. NTA." ~ Individual_Metal_983
"Was your stepbrother not around when his first child was born?"
"His life is going to be crazy hectic when the baby comes!"
"And money is going to be tighter because of all the diapers and wipes that will be needed on top of a new wardrobe every few weeks."
"If he keeps putting off rebuilding the relationship with his firstborn, the child will soon be old enough to remember and understand clearly, which will make it that much harder to rebuild."
"NTA, you are trying to help your nephew not have a deadbeat father."
"Condoms are so much cheaper than diapers!" ~ Useful-Literature357
"NTA unless you continue to give this deadbeat anything other than leads for better jobs."
"STOP giving him anything, for any reason!"
"You can't force or bribe him into a healthy relationship with his son."
"STOP giving him financial support other than paying for a vasectomy if he is willing." ~ StandardRaspberry509
"NTA. So after just a few Months of dating, he's happy this new GF is pregnant and needs money again."
"While he continues to neglect his first baby and refuses to pay child support."
"He doesn't even make enough money to support this new GF and future baby."
"Why isn't he making it a priority to find another job or work a second job?"
"And what's going to happen when this relationship ends?"
"Please stop enabling him because he'll never take responsibility."
"Please update us." ~ Sea_Effort1234
Well, OP, this is a sad situation.
You're a good brother and a great uncle.
It's time for your brother to man up.
You can't be responsible for his life or his kids.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp