Money can be the root cause of most problems in most relationships.
It can even be an issue if people have plenty of it.
Many problems can stem from who has the most control over it.
In a marriage, sharing financial control can be very tricky.
Things can go south fast if everyone doesn’t feel like they’re on equal footing.
Redditor Impossible-Letter341 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for sending my son money without asking my husband first?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I have been with my husband for over a decade and married for 5 years.”
“I have children from a prior relationship and they were teenagers when my husband and I got together so it’s definitely more of a ‘mom’s husband’ situation than a stepdad one.”
“I manage the household finances.”
“We have a shared checking and savings, but we each have accounts individually as well.”
“I earn more than 4x what he does, so most of the funds in our joint accounts are contributed by me because our contributions are scaled based on income.”
“My eldest recently had some employment challenges and didn’t have medical insurance for a few months.”
“During that time, I helped pay for his therapy from my individual savings.”
“He also needed some medical treatment and just received a bill for over a thousand dollars.”
“He’s just getting back on his feet after finding a new job, so when he told me about the bill, I offered to cover it.”
“While we were on the phone Thursday, I scheduled a transfer to him.”
“I intended to pay this from my individual savings accounts, but needed money from my account at a different F[inancial] I[nstitute] to complete it.”
“I initiated that transfer and the funds will be in on Monday, so I transferred $700 from our joint savings account to complete the payment to my son.”
“When I finished my phone call, I told my husband about my son’s bill and that I borrowed money from our savings and that the $700 would be deposited back on Monday from my other savings.”
“He immediately became angry, saying that I should have checked with him first.”
“That I shouldn’t be sending my son money without talking to him first.”
“I disagreed stating that #1 I have no obligation to discuss how I spend my personal money…”
“#2 I will always help my children if I have the means to, and…”
“#3 that it was only 2 business days before my money would replace our money.”
“He’s still pissed and thinks he should have had a say but I truly don’t think I did anything wrong.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for not asking him before sending the money?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA – Not to throw shade but his mentality is exactly why more and more generations have health issues, mental issues and so on.”
“They have this mentality ‘taught’ (forced) to them, suffer and then decide ‘I’ll do the same thing to the person I love the most in this world.’”
“And then the cycle restarts all new.”
“This mentality obviously hasn’t and doesn’t work.”
“Glad you were able to notice.” ~ Mean-Yam-8633
“Since you make 4x what he does, it’s time to start putting more money into your personal account and less in the joint account. NTA.” ~ Noa**holehere
“NTA. Does he have his own children?”
“It’s much harder for our children to make it on their own these days.”
“Given you were replacing the funds as soon as possible with no consequence to anyone, the money isn’t really an issue.”
“You might want to consider if toxic masculinity is the problem here.”
“At the end of the day, you pay your agreed share of the bills. It’s not really any of Mom’s husband’s business; how do you spend your own money?” ~ lacksfocusattimes
“NTA. I’m 29.”
“Yesterday my mom logged into my EZ-Pass account and added $100 because of the new toll pricing going into NY.”
“Your husband needs to work on his reaction to you being an active parent to your adult children.” ~ Loud-Disaster-2861
“NTA. Two business days is no big deal and he has no need to be upset.”
“It would be a different matter if you were taking from him personally but a 2 day loan isn’t a big deal.”
“He has no say in how you support your adult child.” ~ Trick_Few
“Lots of couples successfully handle their finances this way just so that they have their own personal money to spend however they wish.”
“This is what you have done, nothing more, nothing less.”
“Your husband has no say in how you spend that money.”
“And frankly, borrowing from the joint account for 2 days should be irrelevant.”
“Your husband can kick rocks.” ~ 1Muensterkat
“NTA. Y’all got issues.”
“Time for some couples counseling or moving on.”
“That’s not how marriage works.” ~ robb0995
“He wants you to start asking his permission for you to spend your own money now even though you’re already generously subsidizing his lifestyle?”
“Lawyer up OP.”
“This isn’t going to end well.” ~ nolaz
“NTA- Tell your husband you didn’t realize he felt so strongly about adults standing on their own two feet and being self supporting, so henceforth, you will each pay 50% of household expenses into the joint account.”
“The rest of your money goes into your individual account, and he can watch the joint account as carefully as he wants, since he will have contributed equally to that.” ~ KrofftSurvivor
“Clearly your husband thinks he has ownership rights to your personal money.”
“Please be sure you have those accounts locked down and the Lear beneficiary designations primarily to your children.”
“It looks like your husband is counting on getting access to those funds at some future date, so he wants you to hoard it for him.” ~ Alarming_Pop9759
“NTA – please tell me you have a trust or will set up for if you die first?”
“Otherwise, your husband will get everything.” ~ JurassicPark-fan-190
“You each have individual accounts plus you contribute way more to bills.”
“He has zero say in how you spend from the personal account.”
“Explain to him once again that helping your kids will always be non-negotiable.”
“If he keeps complaining, maybe it’s time to stop paying 4x more than the bills. NTA.” ~ FasterThanNewts
“NTA. That’s upsetting.”
“Where does the contempt and hostility come from?”
“I’m petty, so I’d immediately switch to 50/50 in the joint and no more adjustment for me making more money.”
“He can live on his standard of living, he brings to the table.” ~ Mysterious-Bake-935
“NTA. It’s your kid and your money.”
“It also doesn’t sound like 700$ missing from the shared account would cause any hardships (like insufficient funds to pay an automatic withdrawal bill for example) so you didn’t do anything wrong at all.”
“Good for you for knowing that as parents we support our children and we don’t force them to struggle as we had to if we can help instead.”
“Your husband definitely needs to learn from you on this.” ~ bookworm-mama5
“Well, this is easy to fix.”
“From here on, you deposit exactly the same as he does in whatever joint accounts the two of you use. All bills and expenses that are shared come from those sources.”
“Sounds like you’ll have plenty of discretionary money to use in any way you choose, whether it’s helping your adult children or putting it in a pile and lighting it on fire.”
“He doesn’t get to tell you what to do with the money you work for and earn, and I sincerely hope you have a good financial advisor and a lawyer who have secured your children’s interests in whatever assets you want to leave them.” ~ ItWorkedInMyHead
“NTA. Your husband has a control issue.” ~ hbernadettec
“She should put exactly the same amount of money into the joint account as her husband does.”
“He will change his tune fast.”
“Being a mom comes first when your adult child has a true need.”
“Being your husband’s sugar mama comes second.”
“Men like him make me sick!”
“He’s a supreme AH!!!! “
“If he wasn’t being a leech this wouldn’t even be an issue.”
“I would feel the exact same way if the roles were reversed and he was the main breadwinner and needing support from his adult kids.”
“The leech wife complaining about how money that she didn’t earn was temporarily being used would be wrong too.”
“When your kids truly need help… a parent steps up when and if they can.”
“Just my opinion: OP either needs to rethink the relationship or her contributions to the joint account.”
“The husband is a controlling leech!”
“I’m wagering that if you two divorced that he would walk away with a lot more than he contributed and alimony.”
“OP you need to start looking out for yourself and the future.”
“It sounds like this relationship will bleed you dry and leave your son with nothing upon your death.” ~ Hotsauce_Honey
“Absolutely NTA.”
“My husband and I both have children from previous relationships and we both send them money whenever.”
“We do not need each other’s permission, we let each other know what we’ve spent at some point, but not always immediately, and that’s solely because saying it out loud helps us remember and keep track of what we’ve got/spent.”
“He has his income and covers a/b/c, I have mine and cover x/y/z, we split rent and what he has left is his, what I have left is mine and not once have we ever questioned each other over our spending.”
“As long as the bills are paid, he can buy whatever he wants and vice versa.”
“We’ve both been in financially abusive relationships, we both grew up in low-income homes, having the freedom to spend however we feel is freeing for both of us.”
“As long as your bills and rent/mortgage are paid then your husband needs to butt out.”
“Our kids will always be our kids and we will always help them as much as possible no matter how old they get.”
“Being a parent doesn’t end 18.” ~ -Gadaffi-Duck-
“NTA. It’s your child and your money.”
“It doesn’t matter how old the kids are, they will always be your kids and you can help them however and whenever you want to help them.”
“Plus you can do what you want with your money.”
“If you’re husband has any kids and he doesn’t ever want to help them, it’s on him.”
“If your husband keeps on pushing this, I would recommend that the joint account you both put in equally.”
“Why would you have to put in more just because you make more.”
“That money is for both of you to use to pay bills and upkeep of the house that you both live together.”
“Your husband is making it out like you’re taking his money.”
“Which is true, but most of that money originally was yours.” ~ ShoddyIntrovert32
“I’m getting really bad vibes from your husband.”
“Your other post displayed that he is not only quite a bit younger, but he’s also very controlling.”
“He sounds resentful of your children.”
“You obviously have to do what makes you happy, and I’m not one to jump straight to ‘you should divorce him’ but… OP, I really feel that you could do better.”
“Being in peace alone would be better than someone who feels entitled to your money, tries to control you, seeing friends, and resents your children and your relationship with them.”
“Please tell me you have an airtight will and trust so your children will be taken care of should something happen to you.”
“Because at this point, if there’s not, I really feel like your sugar baby, husband will tell them to pound sand. NTA.” ~ tarmaq
“NTA, your husband is an AH though.”
“If you earn 4 times what he earns, he should keep quiet and be grateful that you aren’t insisting he pays 50% of your expenses.”
“If you take money out of the joint account and it will be paid back in a couple of days, and you won’t run short during those 2 days, I see no problem with it.”
“At the end of the day $700 is not a lot of money anyway.” ~ AnnaE75
“NTA. You didn’t spend joint money and he does not get to decide how you spend your money.”
“You gave him a heads up, explained the money from the joint account was temporary and would be paid back almost immediately.” ~ Odd_Task8211
“Something’s wrong here, and you need to be giving your husband’s attitude some serious side eye.”
“You’re subsidising this man to a very generous extent, but it seems that he expects everything you earn to be under his control.”
“See a lawyer immediately to take steps to protect your children’s inheritance if you have not already done so, and yourself in the event of a separation or illness/accident.”
“If you own your home, I hope it is under your name only.”
“This man is not about people — especially anyone who threatens the cushy life he has, thanks to you.”
“I suspect you’ve already handed him far too much power, and it’s time to take most of it back — based on his reaction to a relatively small payment to your own son, from your own pocket.”
“Completely NTA, but take heed of this event, and consider the implications carefully.”
“Best wishes.” ~ Little_Outside
“NTA. Your reasoning was spot on.”
“While it may seem risky to your husband that you did it, the reality is that you have clear and reasonable priorities.”
“Enough said.” ~ Agent1stClass
“NTA. You do what you feel is best for your kids, he doesn’t get a say.” ~ SoftLatinaKitten
“NTA. I do this all the time and don’t even mention it, it’s my business not his.” ~ Tequila-Tarn
“Your money. Your kids.”
“He has no right to dictate how you handle things. NTA.” ~ Ash-The-Zebra
OP came back to answer some recurring questions…
“1: He is not angry that I borrowed from the joint account.”
“The account has several thousand dollars in it and is not relied on to make ends meet.”
“It’s our emergency fund.”
“He’s angry that I did not discuss sending my son more money with him before offering.”
“2: He has no children of his own.”
“3: I accept that it was inconsiderate of me not to ask before doing.”
“This was a one-off situation and I never borrow money from the joint account.”
“I only did because our primary FI has Zelle and the FI where my individual savings does not.”
“My issue is that I don’t think that I need to discuss sending my son money with him and he does.”
Reddit is with you OP.
This is your private money for you to do what you want.
Does he clear all of his spending with you?
It may not be a bad idea for the two of you to chat with a therapist about underlying issues in the relationship.
It could be best to get out in front of deeper problems you may not be aware of.
Good luck.