Money can be the root cause of most problems in most relationships.
It can even be an issue if people have plenty of it.
Many problems can stem from who has the most control over it.
In a marriage, sharing financial control can be very tricky.
Things can go south fast if everyone doesn't feel like they're on equal footing.
Redditor Impossible-Letter341 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for sending my son money without asking my husband first?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have been with my husband for over a decade and married for 5 years."
"I have children from a prior relationship and they were teenagers when my husband and I got together so it's definitely more of a 'mom's husband' situation than a stepdad one."
"I manage the household finances."
"We have a shared checking and savings, but we each have accounts individually as well."
"I earn more than 4x what he does, so most of the funds in our joint accounts are contributed by me because our contributions are scaled based on income."
"My eldest recently had some employment challenges and didn't have medical insurance for a few months."
"During that time, I helped pay for his therapy from my individual savings."
"He also needed some medical treatment and just received a bill for over a thousand dollars."
"He's just getting back on his feet after finding a new job, so when he told me about the bill, I offered to cover it."
"While we were on the phone Thursday, I scheduled a transfer to him."
"I intended to pay this from my individual savings accounts, but needed money from my account at a different F[inancial] I[nstitute] to complete it."
"I initiated that transfer and the funds will be in on Monday, so I transferred $700 from our joint savings account to complete the payment to my son."
"When I finished my phone call, I told my husband about my son's bill and that I borrowed money from our savings and that the $700 would be deposited back on Monday from my other savings."
"He immediately became angry, saying that I should have checked with him first."
"That I shouldn't be sending my son money without talking to him first."
"I disagreed stating that #1 I have no obligation to discuss how I spend my personal money..."
"#2 I will always help my children if I have the means to, and..."
"#3 that it was only 2 business days before my money would replace our money."
"He's still pissed and thinks he should have had a say but I truly don't think I did anything wrong."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not asking him before sending the money?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - Not to throw shade but his mentality is exactly why more and more generations have health issues, mental issues and so on."
"They have this mentality 'taught' (forced) to them, suffer and then decide 'I'll do the same thing to the person I love the most in this world.'"
"And then the cycle restarts all new."
"This mentality obviously hasn't and doesn't work."
"Glad you were able to notice." ~ Mean-Yam-8633
"Since you make 4x what he does, it's time to start putting more money into your personal account and less in the joint account. NTA." ~ Noa**holehere
"NTA. Does he have his own children?"
"It's much harder for our children to make it on their own these days."
"Given you were replacing the funds as soon as possible with no consequence to anyone, the money isn't really an issue."
"You might want to consider if toxic masculinity is the problem here."
"At the end of the day, you pay your agreed share of the bills. It's not really any of Mom's husband's business; how do you spend your own money?" ~ lacksfocusattimes
"NTA. I'm 29."
"Yesterday my mom logged into my EZ-Pass account and added $100 because of the new toll pricing going into NY."
"Your husband needs to work on his reaction to you being an active parent to your adult children." ~ Loud-Disaster-2861
"NTA. Two business days is no big deal and he has no need to be upset."
"It would be a different matter if you were taking from him personally but a 2 day loan isn't a big deal."
"He has no say in how you support your adult child." ~ Trick_Few
"Lots of couples successfully handle their finances this way just so that they have their own personal money to spend however they wish."
"This is what you have done, nothing more, nothing less."
"Your husband has no say in how you spend that money."
"And frankly, borrowing from the joint account for 2 days should be irrelevant."
"Your husband can kick rocks." ~ 1Muensterkat
"NTA. Y'all got issues."
"Time for some couples counseling or moving on."
"That's not how marriage works." ~ robb0995
"He wants you to start asking his permission for you to spend your own money now even though you're already generously subsidizing his lifestyle?"
"Lawyer up OP."
"This isn't going to end well." ~ nolaz
"NTA- Tell your husband you didn't realize he felt so strongly about adults standing on their own two feet and being self supporting, so henceforth, you will each pay 50% of household expenses into the joint account."
"The rest of your money goes into your individual account, and he can watch the joint account as carefully as he wants, since he will have contributed equally to that." ~ KrofftSurvivor
"Clearly your husband thinks he has ownership rights to your personal money."
"Please be sure you have those accounts locked down and the Lear beneficiary designations primarily to your children."
"It looks like your husband is counting on getting access to those funds at some future date, so he wants you to hoard it for him." ~ Alarming_Pop9759
"NTA - please tell me you have a trust or will set up for if you die first?"
"Otherwise, your husband will get everything." ~ JurassicPark-fan-190
"You each have individual accounts plus you contribute way more to bills."
"He has zero say in how you spend from the personal account."
"Explain to him once again that helping your kids will always be non-negotiable."
"If he keeps complaining, maybe it's time to stop paying 4x more than the bills. NTA." ~ FasterThanNewts
"NTA. That's upsetting."
"Where does the contempt and hostility come from?"
"I'm petty, so I'd immediately switch to 50/50 in the joint and no more adjustment for me making more money."
"He can live on his standard of living, he brings to the table." ~ Mysterious-Bake-935
"NTA. It's your kid and your money."
"It also doesn't sound like 700$ missing from the shared account would cause any hardships (like insufficient funds to pay an automatic withdrawal bill for example) so you didn't do anything wrong at all."
"Good for you for knowing that as parents we support our children and we don't force them to struggle as we had to if we can help instead."
"Your husband definitely needs to learn from you on this." ~ bookworm-mama5
"Well, this is easy to fix."
"From here on, you deposit exactly the same as he does in whatever joint accounts the two of you use. All bills and expenses that are shared come from those sources."
"Sounds like you'll have plenty of discretionary money to use in any way you choose, whether it's helping your adult children or putting it in a pile and lighting it on fire."
"He doesn't get to tell you what to do with the money you work for and earn, and I sincerely hope you have a good financial advisor and a lawyer who have secured your children's interests in whatever assets you want to leave them." ~ ItWorkedInMyHead
"NTA. Your husband has a control issue." ~ hbernadettec
"She should put exactly the same amount of money into the joint account as her husband does."
"He will change his tune fast."
"Being a mom comes first when your adult child has a true need."
"Being your husband's sugar mama comes second."
"Men like him make me sick!"
"He's a supreme AH!!!! "
"If he wasn't being a leech this wouldn't even be an issue."
"I would feel the exact same way if the roles were reversed and he was the main breadwinner and needing support from his adult kids."
"The leech wife complaining about how money that she didn't earn was temporarily being used would be wrong too."
"When your kids truly need help... a parent steps up when and if they can."
"Just my opinion: OP either needs to rethink the relationship or her contributions to the joint account."
"The husband is a controlling leech!"
"I'm wagering that if you two divorced that he would walk away with a lot more than he contributed and alimony."
"OP you need to start looking out for yourself and the future."
"It sounds like this relationship will bleed you dry and leave your son with nothing upon your death." ~ Hotsauce_Honey
"Absolutely NTA."
"My husband and I both have children from previous relationships and we both send them money whenever."
"We do not need each other's permission, we let each other know what we've spent at some point, but not always immediately, and that's solely because saying it out loud helps us remember and keep track of what we've got/spent."
"He has his income and covers a/b/c, I have mine and cover x/y/z, we split rent and what he has left is his, what I have left is mine and not once have we ever questioned each other over our spending."
"As long as the bills are paid, he can buy whatever he wants and vice versa."
"We've both been in financially abusive relationships, we both grew up in low-income homes, having the freedom to spend however we feel is freeing for both of us."
"As long as your bills and rent/mortgage are paid then your husband needs to butt out."
"Our kids will always be our kids and we will always help them as much as possible no matter how old they get."
"Being a parent doesn't end 18." ~ -Gadaffi-Duck-
"NTA. It's your child and your money."
"It doesn't matter how old the kids are, they will always be your kids and you can help them however and whenever you want to help them."
"Plus you can do what you want with your money."
"If you're husband has any kids and he doesn't ever want to help them, it's on him."
"If your husband keeps on pushing this, I would recommend that the joint account you both put in equally."
"Why would you have to put in more just because you make more."
"That money is for both of you to use to pay bills and upkeep of the house that you both live together."
"Your husband is making it out like you're taking his money."
"Which is true, but most of that money originally was yours." ~ ShoddyIntrovert32
"I'm getting really bad vibes from your husband."
"Your other post displayed that he is not only quite a bit younger, but he's also very controlling."
"He sounds resentful of your children."
"You obviously have to do what makes you happy, and I'm not one to jump straight to 'you should divorce him' but... OP, I really feel that you could do better."
"Being in peace alone would be better than someone who feels entitled to your money, tries to control you, seeing friends, and resents your children and your relationship with them."
"Please tell me you have an airtight will and trust so your children will be taken care of should something happen to you."
"Because at this point, if there's not, I really feel like your sugar baby, husband will tell them to pound sand. NTA." ~ tarmaq
"NTA, your husband is an AH though."
"If you earn 4 times what he earns, he should keep quiet and be grateful that you aren't insisting he pays 50% of your expenses."
"If you take money out of the joint account and it will be paid back in a couple of days, and you won't run short during those 2 days, I see no problem with it."
"At the end of the day $700 is not a lot of money anyway." ~ AnnaE75
"NTA. You didn't spend joint money and he does not get to decide how you spend your money."
"You gave him a heads up, explained the money from the joint account was temporary and would be paid back almost immediately." ~ Odd_Task8211
"Something's wrong here, and you need to be giving your husband's attitude some serious side eye."
"You're subsidising this man to a very generous extent, but it seems that he expects everything you earn to be under his control."
"See a lawyer immediately to take steps to protect your children's inheritance if you have not already done so, and yourself in the event of a separation or illness/accident."
"If you own your home, I hope it is under your name only."
"This man is not about people -- especially anyone who threatens the cushy life he has, thanks to you."
"I suspect you've already handed him far too much power, and it's time to take most of it back -- based on his reaction to a relatively small payment to your own son, from your own pocket."
"Completely NTA, but take heed of this event, and consider the implications carefully."
"Best wishes." ~ Little_Outside
"NTA. Your reasoning was spot on."
"While it may seem risky to your husband that you did it, the reality is that you have clear and reasonable priorities."
"Enough said." ~ Agent1stClass
"NTA. You do what you feel is best for your kids, he doesn't get a say." ~ SoftLatinaKitten
"NTA. I do this all the time and don't even mention it, it's my business not his." ~ Tequila-Tarn
"Your money. Your kids."
"He has no right to dictate how you handle things. NTA." ~ Ash-The-Zebra
OP came back to answer some recurring questions...
"1: He is not angry that I borrowed from the joint account."
"The account has several thousand dollars in it and is not relied on to make ends meet."
"It's our emergency fund."
"He's angry that I did not discuss sending my son more money with him before offering."
"2: He has no children of his own."
"3: I accept that it was inconsiderate of me not to ask before doing."
"This was a one-off situation and I never borrow money from the joint account."
"I only did because our primary FI has Zelle and the FI where my individual savings does not."
"My issue is that I don't think that I need to discuss sending my son money with him and he does."
Reddit is with you OP.
This is your private money for you to do what you want.
Does he clear all of his spending with you?
It may not be a bad idea for the two of you to chat with a therapist about underlying issues in the relationship.
It could be best to get out in front of deeper problems you may not be aware of.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp