Being a stepparent is not an easy part to fill.
The role can come with a lot of extra rules and regulations.
And a lot of the rulebook may not be in a younger person's handwriting.
But issues coming from other parents come in pretty clearly.
Case in point...
Redditor Logical-Mulberry-883 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for shaving my stepson's long hair without his mom's permission?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I have 3 sons together (2/4/5) and I have 2 stepsons (10/13)."
"We have 50/50 custody."
"I cut my kid's hair myself, and my stepsons get their haircut at a barber when their mom has custody."
"In the last few years, my husband has occasionally taken them to get their haircut."
"Wednesday afternoon, I decided to give my 4 and 5-year-olds haircuts."
"The 10-year-old then asked if I would cut his hair too."
"His hair was currently shoulder length, and he had been growing it for a while."
"He wanted me to give him a buzzcut."
"I asked if he was sure and then texted his dad to make sure he was okay with it."
"My husband asked if I would wait till he came home so he could watch and record it."
"When he came home, I shaved it and he was very happy with the result."
"Yesterday, his mom picked him up from school and saw his hair."
"She immediately called my husband and was pissed about the haircut."
"Later in the evening, she messaged me on Instagram to have a go at me and say I had no right to cut her son's hair without her permission and that it was a big change and I shouldn't have allowed him to do it implosively."
"I didn't reply to her because I didn't want to feed into any drama."
"I thought stepson was happy with his haircut, and that's all that really matters."
"However, the more I think about it, the more I'm unsure if she's right."
"If my son had a stepmom and came home from their house with a drastically different haircut, I think I might have been upset too and possibly think that person crossed an unspoken boundary."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You got the OK from his dad, and he is old enough to make his own decisions about his hair anyways."
"It would have been really weird for you to call his mom and ask after his dad already said to go ahead." ~ Outrageously_Penguin
"I'm assuming since bio mom reached out via Instagram, they don't have each other's phone numbers."
"So would that even be possible for OP? NTA." ~ fantabulouskat13
"Maybe she wanted dad to be a doormat and 'run it by her.'" ~ i_like_it_eilat
"It's not being a doormat if it's a co-parenting decision, but I agree that if bio mom is going to start a passive-aggressive war over nothing, there is no way not to be deemed 'the AH' by her."
"You either try to give a heads up or just do whatever."
"My daughter tried to please stepmom as much as possible out of respect and to keep the peace."
"I was asking my own replacement for permission to do normal things with my own kid's hair because of how awful things would be for her with her dad otherwise."
"They are no contact now. It's sad." ~ Mundane-Currency5088
"My 11-year-old son loves a short haircut. His choice."
"Once it gets slightly over his ears, he wants to go back to the barbershop."
"His older male cousins have very long hair."
"Every time he sees them, he tells them they need a haircut."
"Kids have their own preferences."
NTA. But it's not really about the kid's hair."
"His mom just wants to call the shots." ~ Malicious_Tacos
"Yeah, maybe it's my own bias and subsequent trauma from growing up with a divorced mother who tried to control completely unreasonable things."
"And then didn't care about things that actually mattered."
"And now, dealing with my stepson's issues who has made communication difficult over things in the same realm as haircuts and beyond, I have to wonder if there's tension in the co-parenting between dad and anyways relationship that makes communication over things like a haircut unhelpful and pointless.
"Regardless, I think OP did everything right, and I think you handled it correctly."
"I don't think you need to inform her of a haircut - I'm a firm supporter of parallel parenting! NTA." ~ throwaway_44884488
"This. Bodily autonomy starts with this."
"Kids should be able to do what they want with their own hair."
"At 10, my twins wanted bright colors in their hair."
"At their insistence, I spoke to the school principal since the school was about to resume, and they were convinced they weren't allowed."
"I was told it 'was an unwritten rule, but it just wasn't a good idea because it could be distracting to other students.'"
"I told her that it wasn't my kids' problem if a streak of pink or purple distracted them."
"I'm not going to put that above their ability to express themselves in a harmless manner."
"They showed up with colored hair the first day."
"In two weeks, there was bright hair on countless kids."
"For some reason, that principal retired at the end of the year."
"My point in writing that is this: children have so little in their very small worlds that they feel like they have control over."
"Their parents have rules in the house they must follow."
"There are rules at school, and they have to sit and stay still and do what the teachers tell them."
"At that age, they don't have money to go buy whatever they want to wear, so they depend on their parents for that."
"Their parents or the school even decide what they eat."
"Their HAIR, as minor as it sounds, is something where they can have control (assuming they don't have a**hole-controlling parents)."
"My kids have been through so many hair phases over the years - undercuts, half shaved, all pink, green, bleach blonde, purple streaks (sorta like mine)."
"Hell, my son had a blue mullet at one time during middle school."
"Thank God we were in lockdown during that phase."
"OP, you did nothing wrong."
"His dad said it was fine."
"He is happy with it."
"I get that his mom was probably shocked to see it, but she'll get used to it."
"It's hair. It'll grow back. NTA." ~ tiredsingingmama
"NTA. Your stepson asked you to give him a buzzcut, and you asked him if he was sure and got confirmation from his dad."
"It sounds like your stepson was very happy with the result, and that should be the most important thing."
"It's understandable that his mom was upset, but it's not like you made the decision without consulting anyone."
"You also didn't feed into any drama, which is always a good thing." ~ The_IT_Dude_
"NTA. If the mom was mad, she should have spoken to your husband."
"I don't personally believe that haircuts are a two parent's decision, but reasonable people can disagree about that."
"The point is that you gave the haircut at the kid's request with his father's okay."
"If mom is upset, she should talk to Dad." ~ Hoistedonyrownpetard
"NTA - age 10 is old enough to decide for himself that he wants short hair."
"It will grow back."
"Only if there had been any pressure, subtle bribes, or subtle punishments would I think the mom had a case." ~ contrarian1970
"My daughter at FOUR YEARS OLD decided she was in charge of her hair."
"I had her promise to keep it brushed every day, and I cut it the length she wanted."
"I didn't braid it again until she was in high school."
"OP, you did right by this 10-year-old. NTA." ~ HearseWithNoName
"My son can do whatever with his hair."
"Although I did make him sit there while I buzzed it ONCE."
"But in my defense, he brought home lice."
"I did the shampoo and everything first, but he brought it home like five times."
"Got so bad I ended up cutting 15' off my own hair, and my hubby shaved his head and beard."
"Finally, I couldn't take it anymore!!"
"So I shaved his head."
"By the way, they do NOT make kids leave school or even tell the parents when there is a lice breakout anymore."
"At least in my town."
"Apparently, you do not even have to do anything about it."
"Which I honestly think is BS!!"
"Apparently, one mom got all up in arms because her kid had to get picked up early and wasn't allowed back until the lice were gone."
"And she f**king sued."
"Yeah, instead of just getting rid of the lice."
"That poor kid probably still has it." ~ justAlady108
"NTA. Father approved."
"Unless they communicate and agree on every haircut or hairstyle, dad has a right just like a mother does, seeing as how it's 50/50."
"Went through this with my stepkids." ~ NearbyTomorrow9605
"NTA, the kid wanted his hair cut."
"Communication with his mom is on your husband, not you."
"I could see being a little taken aback as a mom and picking my kid with a drastically different hairstyle with no warning, but not something that should be shoved back at you."
"Her beef is with her ex, not you."
"Your husband could have warned her that their son was getting a cut, but ultimately it's what the kid wanted."
"His hair, his choice."
"A haircut isn't permanent, and if the kid regrets it later, it will eventually grow back." ~ Substantial_Rip_4675
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
He wanted his hair how he wanted it.
And his dad said yes.
Sounds like a discussion between Dad and Mom is coming.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp