Everyone has a breaking point.
No matter how hard a person may try to win over another person's respect and affection, sometimes that other person will just keep choosing disrespect.
There is only so much one can take.
This can be especially true when it comes to the relationship with one's in-laws.
Redditor Constant_Unit1831 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for ignoring my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]'s calls after she told people I asked her for money and twisted our private conversation?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (F[emale]) have a complicated relationship with my mother-in-law."
"From the beginning, she didn't like me when I joined the family."
"She told my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] that I was only with my husband because he is successful and rich, that I don't genuinely love him, and that our marriage wouldn't last."
"About a year later, she suddenly changed her tone and started saying I'm a good D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw] and 'like the daughter she finally has,' but she still makes negative comments about me behind my back instead of saying anything directly to me."
"Some background: my I[n]-L[aw]s are separated but not divorced."
"MIL lives alone."
"My husband, my brother-in-law, and I live with my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw]."
"For a while, I thought MIL and I were getting closer.'
"We hung out a few times, and I opened up to her about small frustrations regarding my husband/BIL/FIL."
"She seemed supportive and gave advice."
"Later, I found out she repeated those private conversations to them and questioned why I said those things."
"She tends to retell stories in a very twisted way."
"Even my husband doesn't fully trust her versions of events because they're often inaccurate."
"After that, I kept some distance but stayed polite."
"Recently, something happened that hurt me more. "
"During a video call, I mentioned being worried about my father's health and possible medical bills."
"I did NOT ask her for money, and I did not cry or beg for help."
"She was the one who said, 'It's okay, we will help you,' and I just replied, 'Thank you, I appreciate your concern.'"
"Later, she told my brother-in-law that I cried and asked her for money, and that I'm financially 'latching' onto my husband and BIL and should be an independent woman."
"That really upset me because it's not true."
"I work as an admin executive at my husband's company and support myself."
"I never asked her for financial help."
"After hearing this, I felt betrayed and decided to stop answering her calls and texts for now."
"My husband has also reduced contact and keeps things very surface-level."
"MIL is now telling people we're avoiding her because her niece 'poisoned' us against her, which is not true."
"My husband, BIL, and I discussed everything and decided we will only address this in a face-to-face group meeting, so nothing gets twisted again."
"I'm not comfortable speaking to her alone right now."
"She recently messaged saying she is deeply hurt that we're avoiding her and that she doesn't know what she did wrong."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not responding to her calls/messages for now and wanting only to discuss this in person with witnesses present? Am I overreacting for being angry and disappointed?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. She lied to make you look bad, again."
"I wouldn't talk to her either." ~ Jenicillin
"NTA. This would be a permanent full no contact."
"She's manipulative and weaponizing your personal sensitive discussions as a narcassist." ~ WholeAd2742
"NTA. Mute her messages until you have the face-to-face meeting with all four parties, and during that meeting, you can explain that due to the decision to only talk face to face in a group, you turned her notifications off."
"After the meeting, when she messages you, make a group chat that includes her, you, and your husband."
"If she calls or tries to FaceTime, only pick up if you have the free time, and if you live in a one-party consent state, you can record all phone calls with her, and the next time she lies about you, you can clip that part of the call and correct the record."
"If you live in a two-party consent state, you can ask her if you have her permission to record the call, so nothing can be misrepresented again."
"She will probably get offended and hang up (win) and think twice about calling you again."
"When she complains to other people about you wanting to record her, simply state, 'MIL has misrepresented conversations in the past, I'm simply trying to prevent any future confusion.'"
"Everyone whom she will complain to will have their own history of her spinning tales to create drama, so even if they don't outright agree, they will understand the situation." ~T ree_Chemistry_Plz
"She is twisting things that you say, possibly to make you look bad, but more likely to make her look good or to make people sympathetic or supportive of her."
"Limit what you say to her."
"Talking about the weather is fair game, but really nothing of any significance at all."
"People like her twist anything and everything to boost themselves."
"Ignore her, she adds nothing positive to your life." ~ Is-this-rabbit
"NTA, she lied about you." ~ Mara_666
"What I would say to you is this - you can't control her, what she says, who she says it to."
"What you can control is how YOU react to her and how much information YOU give her."
"My honest advice would be for you to absolutely drop the rope here and have nothing further to do with her until she learns to behave herself."
"Follow the lead that your husband is giving you where his mother is concerned."
"Don't react to her or to whatever she is saying about you."
"When word gets back to her (and it will) that you're nonchalant about what she thinks, she will stop."
"Mute her number on your phone."
"Only read her messages when you want to, if you want to."
"NTA." ~ Powerful_Put_6977
"NTA. She sounds like my mother, who plays the same games (and worse), and the only way to not get manipulated is to only speak with her together face to face. "
"I know with my mother it's a never-ending battle with setting boundaries and her trying to manipulate her way around them."
"I imagine it's going to be the same way with your MIL, and the best thing to do is talk to one another and compare notes." ~ Ok_Mountain_2449
"Either she genuinely believes the stuff she says, which means the only way you can avoid problems is by avoiding her until there are witnesses she'll respect, or she's twisting stuff and making stuff up, which means the only way to avoid problems is to require witnesses."
"I'm sure it hurts that she doesn't have the same access she once enjoyed, but you're still NTA."
"Not only do actions have consequences, but letting this go unchecked can also lead to issues." ~ Floating-Cynic
"NTA. She's proven herself untrustworthy and manipulative, time and time again."
"Enough is enough."
"The group call is a good idea, though it should probably not involve you... well, be in the room, but not on screen, and don't let any of them let on that you are there."
"If they can't do that, maybe avoid it altogether."
"Though don't be surprised to later hear that 'you all ganged up on her,' and that it was your fault and that you were getting back at her for trying to protect her son, it sounds perfectly in character."
"No contact is the best thing you can do for your marriage and yourself."
"She's toxic and a liar."
"And she has zero reason to change." ~ MystressSeraph
"NTA."
"ANY interaction with her will result in her telling lies and painting herself as the one who is hard done by."
"You are right not to answer calls or texts, don't be alone with her." ~ International-Fee255
"NTA, but I'm mostly just trying to understand the family dynamics here."
"Are you all living with the FIL in a Ewing/Southfork kind of way, as anyone lives together in a generational home like that anymore, or why are you and your rich, successful husband living with his father?"
"It seems to me that being that close with anyone invites them to micro-analyze your life and choices, and the MIL, whether living under the same roof or not, would be right in the middle of it." ~ MajorActivity4876
"NTA, I think it was a dumb move to ever have trusted her."
"When someone starts off not liking you and talking s**t about you, they DON'T change their opinion of you."
"The most they will do is hide their opinion of you."
"In your MIL's case, she pretended to tolerate you so that she could try to gather information she could use against you."
"When someone lets you know that they don't like you, take it seriously." ~ Deep-Okra1461
"Your MIL does not like you. But she wants to stay close to you to gather information to use against you."
"She will twist anything you say against you because she wants to cause trouble in your marriage."
"She is an unhappy person who gets joy by causing hurt to others.
"Be very careful about what you say to her."
"Do not trust her with any personal information."
"You can talk to her about general topics like shopping, the weather, work, your exercise routine, etc."
"But do NOT discuss with her anything to do with your relationships, emotions, thoughts, plans, hopes, dreams, difficulties, etc. NTA." ~ son-of-a-mother
"NTA. I can see why she's divorced."
"She lives in an alternative reality." ~ snomclub
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Run and hide from this woman.
That may be a dramatic choice.
However, you must protect yourself and your hubby's relationship from her.
Record everything!
Good Luck!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp