Everyone has a breaking point.
No matter how hard a person may try to win over another person's respect and affection, sometimes that other person will just keep choosing disrespect.
There is only so much one can take.
This can be especially true when it comes to the relationship with one's in-laws.
Redditor Constant_Unit1831 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for ignoring my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]'s calls after she told people I asked her for money and twisted our private conversation?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (F[emale]) have a complicated relationship with my mother-in-law."
"From the beginning, she didn't like me when I joined the family."
"She told my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] that I was only with my husband because he is successful and rich, that I don't genuinely love him, and that our marriage wouldn't last."
"About a year later, she suddenly changed her tone and started saying I'm a good D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw] and 'like the daughter she finally has,' but she still makes negative comments about me behind my back instead of saying anything directly to me."
"Some background: my I[n]-L[aw]s are separated but not divorced."
"MIL lives alone."
"My husband, my brother-in-law, and I live with my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw]."
"For a while, I thought MIL and I were getting closer.'
"We hung out a few times, and I opened up to her about small frustrations regarding my husband/BIL/FIL."
"She seemed supportive and gave advice."
"Later, I found out she repeated those private conversations to them and questioned why I said those things."
"She tends to retell stories in a very twisted way."
"Even my husband doesn't fully trust her versions of events because they're often inaccurate."
"After that, I kept some distance but stayed polite."
"Recently, something happened that hurt me more. "
"During a video call, I mentioned being worried about my father's health and possible medical bills."
"I did NOT ask her for money, and I did not cry or beg for help."
"She was the one who said, 'It's okay, we will help you,' and I just replied, 'Thank you, I appreciate your concern.'"
"Later, she told my brother-in-law that I cried and asked her for money, and that I'm financially 'latching' onto my husband and BIL and should be an independent woman."
"That really upset me because it's not true."
"I work as an admin executive at my husband's company and support myself."
"I never asked her for financial help."
"After hearing this, I felt betrayed and decided to stop answering her calls and texts for now."
"My husband has also reduced contact and keeps things very surface-level."
"MIL is now telling people we're avoiding her because her niece 'poisoned' us against her, which is not true."
"My husband, BIL, and I discussed everything and decided we will only address this in a face-to-face group meeting, so nothing gets twisted again."
"I'm not comfortable speaking to her alone right now."
"She recently messaged saying she is deeply hurt that we're avoiding her and that she doesn't know what she did wrong."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not responding to her calls/messages for now and wanting only to discuss this in person with witnesses present? Am I overreacting for being angry and disappointed?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. She lied to make you look bad, again."
"I wouldn't talk to her either." ~ Jenicillin
"NTA. This would be a permanent full no contact."
"She's manipulative and weaponizing your personal sensitive discussions as a narcassist." ~ WholeAd2742
"NTA. Mute her messages until you have the face-to-face meeting with all four parties, and during that meeting, you can explain that due to the decision to only talk face to face in a group, you turned her notifications off."
"After the meeting, when she messages you, make a group chat that includes her, you, and your husband."
"If she calls or tries to FaceTime, only pick up if you have the free time, and if you live in a one-party consent state, you can record all phone calls with her, and the next time she lies about you, you can clip that part of the call and correct the record."
"If you live in a two-party consent state, you can ask her if you have her permission to record the call, so nothing can be misrepresented again."
"She will probably get offended and hang up (win) and think twice about calling you again."
"When she complains to other people about you wanting to record her, simply state, 'MIL has misrepresented conversations in the past, I'm simply trying to prevent any future confusion.'"
"Everyone whom she will complain to will have their own history of her spinning tales to create drama, so even if they don't outright agree, they will understand the situation." ~T ree_Chemistry_Plz
"She is twisting things that you say, possibly to make you look bad, but more likely to make her look good or to make people sympathetic or supportive of her."
"Limit what you say to her."
"Talking about the weather is fair game, but really nothing of any significance at all."
"People like her twist anything and everything to boost themselves."
"Ignore her, she adds nothing positive to your life." ~ Is-this-rabbit
"NTA, she lied about you." ~ Mara_666
"What I would say to you is this - you can't control her, what she says, who she says it to."
"What you can control is how YOU react to her and how much information YOU give her."
"My honest advice would be for you to absolutely drop the rope here and have nothing further to do with her until she learns to behave herself."
"Follow the lead that your husband is giving you where his mother is concerned."
"Don't react to her or to whatever she is saying about you."
"When word gets back to her (and it will) that you're nonchalant about what she thinks, she will stop."
"Mute her number on your phone."
"Only read her messages when you want to, if you want to."
"NTA." ~ Powerful_Put_6977
"NTA. She sounds like my mother, who plays the same games (and worse), and the only way to not get manipulated is to only speak with her together face to face. "
"I know with my mother it's a never-ending battle with setting boundaries and her trying to manipulate her way around them."
"I imagine it's going to be the same way with your MIL, and the best thing to do is talk to one another and compare notes." ~ Ok_Mountain_2449
"Either she genuinely believes the stuff she says, which means the only way you can avoid problems is by avoiding her until there are witnesses she'll respect, or she's twisting stuff and making stuff up, which means the only way to avoid problems is to require witnesses."
"I'm sure it hurts that she doesn't have the same access she once enjoyed, but you're still NTA."
"Not only do actions have consequences, but letting this go unchecked can also lead to issues." ~ Floating-Cynic
"NTA. She's proven herself untrustworthy and manipulative, time and time again."
"Enough is enough."
"The group call is a good idea, though it should probably not involve you... well, be in the room, but not on screen, and don't let any of them let on that you are there."
"If they can't do that, maybe avoid it altogether."
"Though don't be surprised to later hear that 'you all ganged up on her,' and that it was your fault and that you were getting back at her for trying to protect her son, it sounds perfectly in character."
"No contact is the best thing you can do for your marriage and yourself."
"She's toxic and a liar."
"And she has zero reason to change." ~ MystressSeraph
"NTA."
"ANY interaction with her will result in her telling lies and painting herself as the one who is hard done by."
"You are right not to answer calls or texts, don't be alone with her." ~ International-Fee255
"NTA, but I'm mostly just trying to understand the family dynamics here."
"Are you all living with the FIL in a Ewing/Southfork kind of way, as anyone lives together in a generational home like that anymore, or why are you and your rich, successful husband living with his father?"
"It seems to me that being that close with anyone invites them to micro-analyze your life and choices, and the MIL, whether living under the same roof or not, would be right in the middle of it." ~ MajorActivity4876
"NTA, I think it was a dumb move to ever have trusted her."
"When someone starts off not liking you and talking s**t about you, they DON'T change their opinion of you."
"The most they will do is hide their opinion of you."
"In your MIL's case, she pretended to tolerate you so that she could try to gather information she could use against you."
"When someone lets you know that they don't like you, take it seriously." ~ Deep-Okra1461
"Your MIL does not like you. But she wants to stay close to you to gather information to use against you."
"She will twist anything you say against you because she wants to cause trouble in your marriage."
"She is an unhappy person who gets joy by causing hurt to others.
"Be very careful about what you say to her."
"Do not trust her with any personal information."
"You can talk to her about general topics like shopping, the weather, work, your exercise routine, etc."
"But do NOT discuss with her anything to do with your relationships, emotions, thoughts, plans, hopes, dreams, difficulties, etc. NTA." ~ son-of-a-mother
"NTA. I can see why she's divorced."
"She lives in an alternative reality." ~ snomclub
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Run and hide from this woman.
That may be a dramatic choice.
However, you must protect yourself and your hubby's relationship from her.
Record everything!
Good Luck!
