Dealing with a sick child is exhausting. But dealing with a sick spouse right after dealing with a sick child is another level of tiring.
A wife who felt run ragged by her toddler and husband turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Magical-Princess asked:
"AITA for blowing up at my sick husband when he asked for help with our toddler?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I plan on sending this post to my husband once the verdict is in, whichever way it goes, so I'll add as much of his perspective as I can."
"Our toddler was sick through the weekend. I was up with him one night from 12:15-2:45, and off and on the next night. I probably got 10-12 hours of broken sleep the whole weekend."
"Yesterday, my husband mentioned he was starting to feel a little sick. Last night I went to bed early hoping to catch up on rest."
"All throughout the night, my husband woke me up way more often than my toddler ever does, even on a bad night. Some of the times were not directly his fault, but other times I felt like he was being inconsiderate."
"1: He snored loudly in my ear."
"2: He asked for another blanket because he had the chills. I told him it was at the foot of the bed. He asked for help and reminded me that he helps me when I'm sick, and that he'd still do the morning routine with our son."
"3: He had a nightmare I had to shake him awake from. (normal)"
"4: He whispered at Alexa to ask for the time."
"5: He asked for another blanket. I gave him mine."
"6: He made a phone call (in bed) and left a full-volume voicemail at his work to let them know he'd need to take a sick day.
"7: At 5:30 in the morning, he woke me to ask if I could do the wake-up routine with our son. (I do bedtime, he does wake up.)"
"At this point I blew up. I expressed how mad I was that he woke me up all night long, and now I have to wake up early to do what he said he'd still do, and I don't get to stay home and catch up on sleep."
"He said I was in the wrong because marriage is in sickness and in health. I immediately got up to get ready. He said I didn't have to start getting ready so early, I said yes I did because I start work at 7:30."
"I barely make it to work on time when I wake up at 6:00, and now I have to unexpectedly skip my shower, get my toddler ready, get his food ready for the day, feed him breakfast, drop him off at daycare, then take myself to work."
"I said he was a grown man with a cold, and he robbed me of the rest I needed and that I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. At that point, I asked for space, and we haven't talked since."
"I was late for work which is a big deal at my job."
"I might be the a**hole for blowing up at my husband when he asked for support during an unexpected illness."
"Am I the a**hole for being mad at my sick husband?"
The OP later answered questions and added some requested information:
"'He's sick. Be nice'. I agree, and I also felt unwell. I was never mad at him for being sick. I was mad about the wake ups and the last minute change in plans that could have been avoided with better communication. Grace and empathy should go both ways."
"'Wait until it's your turn to be sick'. We have been together 10+ years, and we each have the same standard of self-sufficiency, but we generally help each other when sick: soup, tea, meds, the works… within reason!"
"Extra TLC is appreciated, but we're not children. Never have I ever woken him up repeatedly throughout the night. This was an unusual situation that was exacerbated by my sleep debt and his sudden symptoms."
"'Why didn't he help you over the weekend?' He DID help a lot during the daytime on the weekend to give me rest breaks because I did the overnight wake ups, but that does not include naps. I find it extremely difficult to take naps and he knows it."
"My mind just doesn't turn off until bedtime. He generally can't help with the overnights because of a legitimate medical condition that could worsen with repeated lack of sleep. Husband does all the wake ups and lets me sleep in on the weekends to make up for the overnights."
"'Why didn't you sleep in the guest room?' We don't have one anymore. 'Why didn't you take the couch if he was sick?' Symptoms didn't hit hard until after we went to sleep, which is why we didn't initially sleep separately or change the morning arrangements the night before."
"'Why didn't you take the couch after the first few wake ups?' I'm used to a few wake ups. I wasn't expecting the next five. Once I'm physically up, I'm mentally UP. If I had gotten up from the bed, it would have been difficult to go back to sleep at that point."
"'Does he have sleep apnea?' I have suggested to him in the past that he does and should do a sleep study. He hasn't yet and I'm not going to make an appointment for him."
"'Snoring and nightmares aren't his fault!' I already said they weren't. The nightmares are regular for him—we sleep separately often because of them, per my request."
"We'll go months sleeping apart, but then he'll say that he doesn't sleep well alone, and since we only have the couch as a separate sleep space, I often cave and let him sleep with me again. He doesn't let me take the couch."
"'Why did you take a sick child to daycare?' Daycare's policy is 24 hours fever-free without other symptoms or medication.
"'I could never be married to you. You're so selfish'. I wasn't taking applications… but can you feel that sexual tension between us, or is that just me?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"My husband became sick and asked me for help with our toddler after keeping me up all night."
"I blew up and yelled at him for keeping me up all night, then having the audacity to ask for more help and making me late for work."
"He called me an a**hole for yelling at him for being sick when I should instead be supportive in his time of need."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The overwhelming majority of Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Being sick, working, and caring for a sick child is terrible. But your husband is an adult and needs to be somewhat self-sufficient and considerate."
"He can't help that he had a nightmare or snored, but waking you up for a blanket twice, asking for the time, and taking/making calls in the early hours from bed is incredibly self-centered." ~ SlinkyMalinky20
"NTA. It's one thing if you slept all night and he was up all night sick, and he woke you up and asked you to handle the morning routine. It's another when he's willfully kept you awake."
"Waking you up for extra blankets, asking the time and making a loud phone call is absolutely willful behavior from him. Your angry feelings are valid."
"If this is a one time thing, when he's better, circle back and have a discussion. If this is his typical 'man flu/cold' behavior, he needs to stop it. Sleep deprivation is cruel." ~ ThatHellaHighHobbit
"NTA 100%.. How do you wake someone up to get a blanket (from the foot of the bed‽‽) and start making phone calls in bed when someone is sleeping?"
"I mean that is just rude! If he doesn't know where the blankets are in the home, why? Does he not live there?" ~ JorvikPumpkin
"Asking Alexa what time it is knowing his phone is right there gets me more than the blankets, I think. It feels like he's mad he's sick and is taking it out on her. I'm curious if that's their normal dynamic or what. NTA." ~ ThatHellaHighHobbit
"NTA. As moms we are generally expected to just carry on as normal when we are sick, I don't know why dads are any exception."
"The making a phone call in bed while you're trying to sleep would have made me crash tf out, because who in their right mind thinks that is an acceptable location for such an activity?" ~ fantasticfishfingers
However a few felt both parties contributed.
"ESH. You're both tired and have a sick toddler. Be kind to yourselves. It does get easier." ~ rdizzy89
"You need to work on your conflict resolution. I see a lot of comments about the husband needing to be an adult even when he is sick, but you also need to be an adult when you are angry with him."
"I would say ESH. You are tired and he is sick—please communicate, this doesn't have to escalate." ~ nolaEE
The OP provided an update.
"Husband saw the comments and guaranteed me uninterrupted sleep going forward. I again offered to sleep on the couch, but he insisted he take it and the baby monitor."
"As a compromise, we'll be sleeping separately on weeknights and together on weekends unless I need to catch up on sleep or if one of us is sick."
"After seeing all perspectives, including Husband's, I'll agree with an ESH verdict with me being 20% the a**hole. I had a right to be mad, but I should not have blown up."
"He should be able to ask for help, but within reason. I apologized for being snappy. He apologized for the wake ups. No divorce lawyers necessary."
It's good to see the OP and her husband have a good attitude and a plan for the future.
No divorce lawyers necessary, indeed.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp