Any of us who have been through a breakup before know how tough it is.
But it’s especially hard if we find out our partner was unfaithful or if our loved ones in some way covered for them, confided the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Hopeful-Cry-7158 was completely overwhelmed with the news that her brother had invited her future ex-husband, who cheated on her, and all of their friends who covered for him, to his wedding.
But when he refused to amend the guest list, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to do next.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for expecting my brother to uninvite my soon-to-be-ex-husband and my friends from his wedding?”
The OP knew who was invited to her brother’s wedding.
“My (34 [female]) brother (31 [male]) is getting married in a month.”
“My brother is not friends with my friends, but he knows them by association and gets along with them, and he’s invited them to his wedding.”
“My soon-to-be ex is also invited. He was invited anyway before I found out certain stuff.”
“My husband and I have known each other since high school and we shared the same friend group. His friends are my friends and vice versa.”
The OP received some news that complicated the guest list.
“Recently I found out my husband has been cheating on me for 4 months with another woman and all of our friends have been covering for him.”
“They all knew and enabled him. I immediately filed for divorce.”
“I came clean to my family about it a few days after I found out. They were all shocked and angry.”
“My dad was more focused on my husband cheating, but my mom was more focused on our friends covering for him.”
“My brother was also upset because he was close to my husband. My husband has left home and he’s living with his sister for now.”
The OP hoped the guest list would change.
“Yesterday the topic of my brother’s wedding came up and he was talking about the seating arrangements with me and my parents.”
“He asked me if I would be comfortable being seated next to my husband and our friends.”
“I looked at him in disbelief and told him he shouldn’t even be asking that question.”
“I’m also upset that he’s inviting them after all, especially my friends, since they’re not his friends at all and he just knows them by association.”
“He said it would be mean if he uninvited all of them just one month before the wedding and said that he understands why I’d feel uncomfortable but he doesn’t want to be mean.”
The OP’s brother did not agree.
“I reminded him how my husband cheated on me and I got lied on by all my friends who were enabling him.”
“He says he’s aware but I should not insist on him uninviting them because it’s his wedding and he makes the rules.”
“I dropped it and didn’t continue the conversation.”
“AITA for expecting my cheating husband and the friends who covered for him to get uninvited from my brother’s wedding?”
“I want to highlight that the whole cheating issue is fresh; it’s barely been a month since I found out.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned the brother’s loyalty to his own sister, the OP.
“OP, take this advice if you take any from this post. I wouldn’t even give my brother the choice, tell him and your family that you would much rather be at home alone than to be surrounded by people who betrayed you, and make sure you tell your brother he’s on that list as well.”
“If you have the opportunity, get a hotel and treat yourself to a vacation. Turn your phone on do not disturb and enjoy that day yourself rather than being miserable just because your brother doesn’t want to be mean.”
“His refusal to take back the invitation to them shows that he approves of their actions. I’d also go LC (low contact) with my brother if he put me in such an uncomfortable situation like this, but I’m spiteful and can hold a grudge for years.”
“Someone who doesn’t have enough of a spine to support his sister in a difficult time because he doesn’t want to be ‘mean’ does not deserve to be in your life right now.”
“It is his day, but that does not mean he gets to make you miserable because of it.”
“OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, You deserve a much more considerate brother.” – sun_flower_shine
“I would make this my hill to die on. ‘Brother, it’s fine if you want to invite them, but I will no longer be attending. I value my mental health and do not want to spend time with them. I hope you have a lovely wedding.'”
“If your brother is choosing people he isn’t even friends with over you, then it proves what a terrible brother he is. Also, the fact he was going to sit you next to your soon-to-be ex-husband shows how little he actually values you.” – MrsJonesy2012
“I caught my basically-live-in bf cheating (with two of my friends, no less), and my first call was to my sister for a ‘What the f**k do I do right now’ panic attack.”
“She AND her husband were in a car minutes later to drive 90 minutes to come help me. BIL saw my ex dragging trash bags of his shit into a taxi as he was driving up to my place and literally tried to run to catch the taxi.”
“To do what? Unclear. But he’d hurt ‘his sister.'”
“My sister meanwhile went upstairs and grabbed every photo, memento, and reminder out of the apartment before she’d let me in. And changed the sheets.”
“When my ex called multiple times that night to tell me how s**tty his motel room was and that he’d been punished enough by having to stay in a sketch area (all he could afford in the big city), my BIL was like, ‘What hotel… I’ll go ‘talk’ to him…'”
“No cheaters were ‘talked to’ or otherwise harmed, but I think my (usually mild-mannered) BIL was willing to go to jail for it, and my sister was gonna let him.”
“They finally went home after slipping me a few Xanax and making me promise I would come down that weekend.”
“But the idea that my sibling would INVITE HIM to her wedding? …no.” – biscuitboi967
Others said the brother was acting like a people-pleaser.
“I have noticed that people tend to feel they do nothing wrong as long as they don’t actively take an action or deviate from the current course.”
“They’ll say, ‘I didn’t uninvite them because that would mean I took an action that would hurt them,’ while totally dismissing that NOT acting is still taking an action and leading to greater pain for others.”
“They try to use inaction as a way of washing themselves of the pain of the people that need them to take an action since they were not the ones ‘doing something.'”
“Another way: ‘If I pretend I am not in the position to make the decision, then I can’t be blamed for the situation’ (aka the brother is a big AH here for not taking a stand).” – CloakedZarrius
“He doesn’t want the uncomfortable situation of having to say, ‘Given the circumstances, I need to rescind your invitations,’ which in his mind is somehow harder and worse than putting his own sister through h**l.” – Reasonable_Tax2446
“To the brother, There are times in life where one cannot be Switzerland. There are times where there is no neutrality. When someone so fundamentally betrays your sister, you should swiftly and immediately cut all optional contact.”
“By not disinviting the husband and his friends, you are choosing them and their comfort over her. You are. Full stop.”
“You cannot hide behind manners and etiquette or politeness. Because, in such a case, disinviting the cheating ex is not a breach of good manners. It’s a requirement of good manners. (Something I learned from a very old patrician pettit-aristocratic woman I once knew).”
“There is no rule of etiquette that demands you keep the cheating ex and his friends as guests. Stop hiding behind that.”
“What’s really going on, brother, is you want to avoid conflict. You are doing so over your sister’s body. You are doing so at the cost of her mental health.”
“Be brave and take the lumps of the ex and his friends lashing out.”
“After all, why would anyone care about their opinion of you when they clearly care so little about your sister?” – Atty_Aveline
Because her brother told her to drop it, the OP was left with mixed feelings about what she had asked of her brother. But the subReddit insisted that she had every right to ask, and really, it should have been something her brother did of his own accord.
If there’s ever a reason for family to come before any other loved ones, this would be one of them.