Any of us who have been through a breakup before know how tough it is.
But it's especially hard if we find out our partner was unfaithful or if our loved ones in some way covered for them, confided the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Hopeful-Cry-7158 was completely overwhelmed with the news that her brother had invited her future ex-husband, who cheated on her, and all of their friends who covered for him, to his wedding.
But when he refused to amend the guest list, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what to do next.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for expecting my brother to uninvite my soon-to-be-ex-husband and my friends from his wedding?"
The OP knew who was invited to her brother's wedding.
"My (34 [female]) brother (31 [male]) is getting married in a month."
"My brother is not friends with my friends, but he knows them by association and gets along with them, and he's invited them to his wedding."
"My soon-to-be ex is also invited. He was invited anyway before I found out certain stuff."
"My husband and I have known each other since high school and we shared the same friend group. His friends are my friends and vice versa."
The OP received some news that complicated the guest list.
"Recently I found out my husband has been cheating on me for 4 months with another woman and all of our friends have been covering for him."
"They all knew and enabled him. I immediately filed for divorce."
"I came clean to my family about it a few days after I found out. They were all shocked and angry."
"My dad was more focused on my husband cheating, but my mom was more focused on our friends covering for him."
"My brother was also upset because he was close to my husband. My husband has left home and he's living with his sister for now."
The OP hoped the guest list would change.
"Yesterday the topic of my brother's wedding came up and he was talking about the seating arrangements with me and my parents."
"He asked me if I would be comfortable being seated next to my husband and our friends."
"I looked at him in disbelief and told him he shouldn't even be asking that question."
"I'm also upset that he's inviting them after all, especially my friends, since they're not his friends at all and he just knows them by association."
"He said it would be mean if he uninvited all of them just one month before the wedding and said that he understands why I'd feel uncomfortable but he doesn't want to be mean."
The OP's brother did not agree.
"I reminded him how my husband cheated on me and I got lied on by all my friends who were enabling him."
"He says he's aware but I should not insist on him uninviting them because it's his wedding and he makes the rules."
"I dropped it and didn't continue the conversation."
"AITA for expecting my cheating husband and the friends who covered for him to get uninvited from my brother's wedding?"
"I want to highlight that the whole cheating issue is fresh; it's barely been a month since I found out."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned the brother's loyalty to his own sister, the OP.
"NTA."
"OP, take this advice if you take any from this post. I wouldn't even give my brother the choice, tell him and your family that you would much rather be at home alone than to be surrounded by people who betrayed you, and make sure you tell your brother he's on that list as well."
"If you have the opportunity, get a hotel and treat yourself to a vacation. Turn your phone on do not disturb and enjoy that day yourself rather than being miserable just because your brother doesn't want to be mean."
"His refusal to take back the invitation to them shows that he approves of their actions. I'd also go LC (low contact) with my brother if he put me in such an uncomfortable situation like this, but I'm spiteful and can hold a grudge for years."
"Someone who doesn't have enough of a spine to support his sister in a difficult time because he doesn't want to be 'mean' does not deserve to be in your life right now."
"It is his day, but that does not mean he gets to make you miserable because of it."
"OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this, You deserve a much more considerate brother." - sun_flower_shine
"NTA."
"I would make this my hill to die on. 'Brother, it's fine if you want to invite them, but I will no longer be attending. I value my mental health and do not want to spend time with them. I hope you have a lovely wedding.'"
"If your brother is choosing people he isn't even friends with over you, then it proves what a terrible brother he is. Also, the fact he was going to sit you next to your soon-to-be ex-husband shows how little he actually values you." - MrsJonesy2012
"I caught my basically-live-in bf cheating (with two of my friends, no less), and my first call was to my sister for a 'What the f**k do I do right now' panic attack."
"She AND her husband were in a car minutes later to drive 90 minutes to come help me. BIL saw my ex dragging trash bags of his shit into a taxi as he was driving up to my place and literally tried to run to catch the taxi."
"To do what? Unclear. But he'd hurt 'his sister.'"
"My sister meanwhile went upstairs and grabbed every photo, memento, and reminder out of the apartment before she'd let me in. And changed the sheets."
"When my ex called multiple times that night to tell me how s**tty his motel room was and that he'd been punished enough by having to stay in a sketch area (all he could afford in the big city), my BIL was like, 'What hotel… I'll go 'talk' to him…'"
"No cheaters were 'talked to' or otherwise harmed, but I think my (usually mild-mannered) BIL was willing to go to jail for it, and my sister was gonna let him."
"They finally went home after slipping me a few Xanax and making me promise I would come down that weekend."
"But the idea that my sibling would INVITE HIM to her wedding? …no." - biscuitboi967
Others said the brother was acting like a people-pleaser.
"I have noticed that people tend to feel they do nothing wrong as long as they don't actively take an action or deviate from the current course."
"They'll say, 'I didn't uninvite them because that would mean I took an action that would hurt them,' while totally dismissing that NOT acting is still taking an action and leading to greater pain for others."
"They try to use inaction as a way of washing themselves of the pain of the people that need them to take an action since they were not the ones 'doing something.'"
"Another way: 'If I pretend I am not in the position to make the decision, then I can't be blamed for the situation' (aka the brother is a big AH here for not taking a stand)." - CloakedZarrius
"He doesn't want the uncomfortable situation of having to say, 'Given the circumstances, I need to rescind your invitations,' which in his mind is somehow harder and worse than putting his own sister through h**l." - Reasonable_Tax2446
"To the brother, There are times in life where one cannot be Switzerland. There are times where there is no neutrality. When someone so fundamentally betrays your sister, you should swiftly and immediately cut all optional contact."
"By not disinviting the husband and his friends, you are choosing them and their comfort over her. You are. Full stop."
"You cannot hide behind manners and etiquette or politeness. Because, in such a case, disinviting the cheating ex is not a breach of good manners. It's a requirement of good manners. (Something I learned from a very old patrician pettit-aristocratic woman I once knew)."
"There is no rule of etiquette that demands you keep the cheating ex and his friends as guests. Stop hiding behind that."
"What's really going on, brother, is you want to avoid conflict. You are doing so over your sister's body. You are doing so at the cost of her mental health."
"Be brave and take the lumps of the ex and his friends lashing out."
"After all, why would anyone care about their opinion of you when they clearly care so little about your sister?" - Atty_Aveline
Because her brother told her to drop it, the OP was left with mixed feelings about what she had asked of her brother. But the subReddit insisted that she had every right to ask, and really, it should have been something her brother did of his own accord.
If there's ever a reason for family to come before any other loved ones, this would be one of them.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp