Having a close friend or a family member who is willing to look after one's kids without having to hire a babysitter is a privilege.
But when that privilege gets taken for granted, what are the repercussions?
Drama was a consequence one woman experienced after confronting the issue, which led her to visit the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment.
There, Redditor BlooregardQKazoo_ asked:
"AITA because my niece overheard me ranting about how I want sister to stop dumping her kids at my house?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister (we call each other sisters but are actually cousins/god-siblings) has two young kids. She is very socially active and often needs someone to watch her kids."
"Since I live nearby and the kids like me, it usually ends up being me, even though she has other options. When I was working at a 'real job' she was reasonable: asking if I could watch them, leaving money for food, and picking them up on time, asking only once or twice a month, if that, so I didn't mind watching them."
However, the circumstances changed.
"But now that I'm doing art comissions, she views it as me not doing anything. She kept trying to hint to me that she wanted me to watch her kids and I didn't pick up on it until now because I'm on the spectrum."
"I don't understand hints. She pretty much stopped talking to me entirely after that, and bypasses me and asks her brother—my roommate/cousin—to bring the kids over without telling me, sometimes for multiple days."
The OP continued:
"He leaves the childcare responsibilities to me, saying, 'that's what their auntie is for.' This has been happening every weekend since late May, and it's now July."
"Today, I wanted to do my workout downstairs where there's space, but I heard the kids screaming and assumed they might be staying over without notice again. I was so frustrated, I ranted to my brother while we were in his room, and my niece overheard, which upset her."
"All I'd said was, 'and nobody even told me they'd be here!' Which I'm sure still really hurt. Now, my cousins are mad at me for damaging our relationship."
"AITA? I plan to apologize to my niece when she's ready to talk, though I don't know how to explain something this complicated to a kid."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
'and asks her brother—my roommate/cousin—to bring the kids over without telling me, sometimes for multiple days. He leaves the childcare responsibilities to me, saying, "that's what their auntie is for." '
"Nope. If her brother volunteered himself to babysit, that's fine. But he shouldn't volunteer OP's time. I'd refuse to help him. I bet he would volunteer less if he got stuck with the work. NTA" – bythebrook88
"Exactly this. He is the one who agreed to watch them, then he is responsible for them, not you. Make that clear to him and tell him not to guilt you into watching them when you don't want to. They aren't your kids, and it's not your job to raise them." – gavinkurt
"He's also literally their uncle. How is OP responsible because she's an 'aunty' but the actual close relative skirts responsibility?"
"NTA OP." – Catfactss
"OP do you have a relative or friend you can stay with on short notice? Next time she dumps them on him and he expects you to care for them just..leave. have a bag ready and just silently slip out."
"A weekend or two of solo care from your cousin should get the point across." – Auroraburst
"Not a good idea to silently slip out..he will assume your watching the kids so he won't. You've left so now NOBODY'S watching them..just say before you leave to him bag in hand I told you I was going to so and so today .so I'll see ya later ..leave." – Gumbysfriend
"NTA. The relationship was being damaged prior to this situation by the way you are being treated. There is no communication with you. That's damaging. There is no consideration of your time. That's damaging."
"There's blame-shifting onto you. That's damaging. It's regrettable that your niece overheard your rant, but the rant itself does not need apology if the concerns you were voicing are valid." – Cultural_Card_2603
"NTA but your 'sister' sure is. Commission jobs are real jobs and her acting entitled to you watching her kids is incredibly selfish on her part."
"Honestly, if this is a repeat issue, then CPS might need to be involved. Dropping children off for multiple days without prior approval from the person watching the kids is child abandonment. This kid doesn't deserve that and neither do you." – shesjustbarbie
"NTA."
"Next time the kids are over just leave. Don't tell anyone where you are going or for how long. Don't come back until late. See how cousin likes watching them. You may need to set an early alarm so you are gone before they get up." – HMS_Slartibartfast
"I was going to suggest the same thing. You did not volunteer, you didn't know they were coming, just grab your stuff and leave... sticking your cousin/roommates with the babysitting he so graciously volunteered you for."
"NTA." – AGirlHasNoGame_
"NTA. It sounds like she's taking full advantage of the fact that you have more availability than she does and as a result is treating you like a free babysitter."
"I don't think what you said was bad, and it's not as though you knew anyone was overhearing your conversation. Your frustration seems valid to me." – NukaGrl
"NTA. It's unfortunate, but you weren't taking out your frustration on the children, you were discussing it with the other adult in the situation and it sounds like she wandered over to where the conversation was happening, not even that you had purposefully or neglectfully started it within earshot of the children."
"Mom's the one who needs to better communicate and arrange for childcare if she can't be bothered to watch her own spawn, and your cousin/roommate does not dictate your role or your commitments to childcare."
"You didn't damage any relationships, you declared a reasonable boundary and mom's upset that she doesn't have a free babysitter and has to explain to her child why she can't be bothered to tend to her own crotch-goblins."
"EDIT: The fact that you do commissions and essentially work from home is irrelevant. It wouldn't matter if you literally had no life or work and stayed home all day on disability checks or on someone else's dime or were a homemaker partner to someone."
"Childcare duties need to be agreed upon. Your work should be respected, but even IF you had zero work and all the time in the world, your time is still YOUR time." – neophenx
"NTA."
"your sister can call herself lucky that you did not call the police / cps and reported the children as abandoned."
"send her an email / text message / sms and inform her that due to circumstances starting today you will no longer watch her kids without being asked beforehand, and if she drops them off without written consent from you she has 2 options: either pay current babysitter rate + 100% a**hole tax or be prepared to deal with police / cps as you will report the kids as abandoned."
"as for brother dearest, well, check if he is home and then leave. after you locked your room so he can't put the kids inside to 'have some peace'." – Tessa_Kamoda
"NTA but I think you didn't say the right thing to your brother. You said 'no one even told me they would be here'. What you should have said is 'nobody asked me if I have time to look after them today, which I do not. If you agree to the kids coming over, that means you are agreeing to look after them. If you want me to look after them, you need to ask me before agreeing'."
"And then either go out and leave them to it or go to your room and get on with your work and every time they come in tell them you would love to play with them at lunchtime or after you finish work at 5pm and to ask their uncle to play/get them a snack etc." – MummyTapir
"NTA - this might be an AH move but if your sister ever leaves her children without letting you know again I'd report her for abandonment. Now it's just out of the blue drop offs here and there but if you don't set boundaries now then it'll be all the time."
"I've seen posts where members don't want to cause any conflicts because they're a people pleaser and ended up sacrificing all of their teenage years and early 20s to look after kids that aren't theirs because the parents would rather spend their time socialising." – SweetBekki
Overall, Redditors thought the sister was the one who was out of line by refusing to give the OP the courtesy of a heads-up when planning to drop the kids off with her.
Some Redditors also thought that while the kids overhearing the complaint was unfortunate, there were ways to repair the hurt by having a heart-to-heart discussion that assures the OP truly does enjoy spending time with them and that her unconventional job was just as important as other people's line of work.
They also suggested that the OP change her living situation with the brother ASAP if he were to continue disrespecting her and shoving all the responsibility of looking after the kids on her.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp