Ideally, we don’t encounter the passing of loved ones so commonly that funeral logistics become a skill we are well-versed in.
But there can be some drawbacks when we don’t exactly know how to navigate all those concrete, ceremonially tasks, especially given that grief adds a huge stress we’re also not used to.
A recent post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit shed some light on what those difficulties can look like.
The Original Poster (OP), known as Mountaineer3615, laid it out pretty directly right in the title.
“AITA for not putting my sister’s name on funeral flowers?”
OP wasted no time getting into it.
“My aunt passed away last week. I call the local florist to purchase a funeral arrangement.”
“I am asked what the relation the deceased is to me by the florist, I say ‘She was my aunt.’ The florist says ‘I can put Aunt on the ribbon. How much would you like to spend?’ ”
“I said ‘$100.00 seems appropriate.’ The florist asks what I want on the card. I say ‘With fondest memory’ and I put the names of me, my wife, and two daughters on the card.”
“I hang up thinking job done.”
Then came a phone call.
“Fast forward four hours my sister (40 years old) calls me and asks. ‘Did you buy flowers?’ I said yes.”
“She said ‘Did you get Aunt on the ribbon?’ I said yes.”
“She said ‘Did you put me on your card?’ I said no.”
“She raises her voice and says ‘Why NOT!? I bought flowers already and put your name and (our brother’s name) on the card! Why did you just not buy flowers from everyone and we pay you back later?’ “
OP was as matter of fact as ever.
“I said it was my understanding that each household should provide their own flowers.”
“She then asks ‘How much did you spend?’ I told her that I spent $109.
” ‘Well I only spent $75. You are an A**HOLE!’ then she hung up on me.”
“I will be the first to admit that I am not well versed in funeral etiquette. So I ask sincerely, am I the a**hole?”
OP also included a bombshell edit.
“Quick Edit: The first viewing was this afternoon. I am unable to attend because I am several states away with work and family commitments.”
“However my sister went in and switched the cards between her bouquet and mine. She thinks I don’t know about it. I do not plan to confront her. I figure let her think she got this win. I honestly couldn’t care less about whose bouquet is bigger.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Most Redditors assured OP they were not the a**hole in this situation.
They couldn’t believe someone was trying to make drama out of this situation.
“NTA. She did a thing. You did a thing. She went off unnecessarily.” — museisnotyours
“NTA. Why would she need her name on your card if she already sent flowers?” — Walktothebrook
“Man, I’m starting to resent my own family for sh** like this. You don’t owe them anything. NTA” — topcornet5991
“NTA. She didn’t tell you in advance what her plans were.”
“And it wouldn’t be reasonable for you to spend your money to her benefit without getting an agreement from her for payment beforehand.”
“And vice versa. She shouldn’t have put your name on her card without your knowledge and expect payment from you without your foreknowledge and agreement.”
“She can’t just make up plans regarding money and purchases all by herself.” — WaDaEp
Others imagined scenarios where there could be a problem, but still confirmed that OP was in the clear.
“NTA. If there was to be an arrangement where everyones names go on the flower card, or a spending limit for the flowers then these details needed to be disclosed prior to the purchasing of flowers. How were you expected to know? She has no right being angry at you for this.”
“I honestly believe your way makes more sense.” — Dont-trust-it
“NTA, if there were supposed to be spending limits, or naming conventions, or anything like that, it was up to them to spell those things out BEFOREHAND.”
“You can’t be blamed for not putting someone else’s name on a gift you bought when no one had told you otherwise.” — Edymnion
“NTA – While it’s not unusual to order flowers from a group for a funeral, it is customary to ask everyone involved if they are okay with being included on the group card – and to discuss contributions to the group floral arrangement before purchasing.”
“But there’s absolutely no obligation to ask if someone else wants to be included on a floral arrangement sent specifically from you and your immediate family.” — HowardProject
Others were a bit more overtly critical of OP’s sister.
“NTA. There is no standard etiquette for adult siblings to share or not share a floral arrangement for their aunt’s funeral; separate floral arrangements is perfectly OK.”
“The only thing you did wrong was telling your sister how much you spent – it was none of her business!” — Eowyn75
“She might be actually crazy. There’s no reason at all her name should be on your card. NTA. What an odd thing for her to get mad about.” — christmasshopper0109
“NTA and she absolutely is. Why can’t you both buy flowers? Why expect her name on your flowers? She didn’t even tell you she expected you to buy flowers from her- why would you? It’s just bizarre.” — Piercedbunny
“NTA. Your sister is weird. This is a weird and frankly stupid hill for her to die on (sorry).” — NoCucumber5384
A couple people brought up another key factor in all of this.
“NTA. Does anyone even look at the cards?” — FruitPopsicle
“As someone who unfortunately has way too much funeral experience, I can tell you firsthand the immediate family of the deceased most likely aren’t even going to notice those flowers. NTA” — Turkeybaconisheresy
Although the funeral is over and nothing can be done about it anyhow, at least OP can rest easy knowing they did nothing wrong at all.