In 1840, Queen Victoria chose a white satin and lace gown for her wedding to Prince Albert. Her choice influenced wedding trends around the world.
During the Victorian era—the reign of Queen Victoria from June, 1837 until her death in January, 1901—white wedding dresses became symbols of innocence and virginity. But the trend didn't really catch on across socioeconomic groups until after WWII.
Hollywood films also popularized the white wedding dress which has spread to areas of the globe where other colors were traditionally worn.
A newlywed turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Infinite_Tank620 asked:
"AITA for telling my sister I get it, she's jealous and still a virgin, after she told me I'd look better in a red wedding dress?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29, female) just got married. My sister 'Tara' (27, female) and I have never had the best relationship."
"She's always been pretty insecure, and growing up, there was a lot of tension between us. I've always tried to be sensitive to it, but it's been hard because she has a tendency to lash out in passive-aggressive ways."
"It got much worse when I got into a college that she didn't get into."
"At my wedding, I was mingling with the guests and Tara came up to me and told me that I would have looked better in red."
"It's an insult, basically saying the bride should be in red is calling them a wh*re. That they are not pure enough to wear white."
"Maybe it's regional, but after white wedding dresses became popular they got the association with being pure."
"Then religion popped in and virgins were claimed to be the only people who could wear white to their wedding. So if you weren't a virgin, then you were not supposed to wear white."
"If you look at people getting remarried in the past, they usally didn't wear white. The color red popped up at some point and the insult was made to mean the bride was wicked, impure, a wh*re, or some variation of those insults."
"Also, I am not part of any cultures were red is the wedding color for brides."
"I told her, 'I get it, Tara. You're jealous, and still a virgin, but this isn't the time to make your insecurities my problem'. I didn't shout, but my tone was harsh."
"Tara stormed off, and I could tell some people overheard. My brother later told me I was out of line and should apologize, that I humiliated her in front of everyone."
"He's always been on her side, really doesn't matter why. Whole childhood those two stuck together no matter what. I think he feels bad for her, but I am unsure."
"Tara wants an apology and says I was being a d*ck. My dad and mom told me she will have to get over it because this has been an ongoing issue."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I may be a jerk because I was harsh with my comeback after she told me I would look better in red."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"So she can essentially call you a wh*re in front of those same guests, but you can't respond appropriately and firmly to defend yourself at your own wedding‽‽ NTA."
"I'm certainly glad your parents have your back on this, but I can't figure out for the life of me what your siblings' deal is. They seem to have an enmeshed relationship with each other."
"In any case, I hope your wedding day was beautiful outside of that. Good luck in your life together!" ~ Jovon35
"That baffled me too. Sister humiliated herself when she decided to be nasty to OP on her wedding day—end of discussion."
"Brother's absolute loyalty to one sister over the other is just odd. At least the parents understand how inappropriate it is to call OP a wh*re at her wedding."
"How is this even a debate? NTA." ~ Round_Butterfly2091
"NTA. Don't commit a crime if you can't do the time. Don't dish out what you can't take back in return. These are common sayings for a reason."
"What's the alternative? Take it and say, 'Please ma'am, may I have another?' What did they seriously expect you to do?" ~ naisfurious
"Obviously, the bride was supposed to run off in shame and never again show her dishonest, harlot face in polite society."
"Then the crowd would cheer for the sister and proclaim her the most pure and hold a gala in her honor where the townsfolk would bring our their most eligible bachelors for her to choose a suitor from. 🤨🙄😒 NTA." ~ nervelli
"Yeah, both of the siblings can get bent. She needs to learn to not throw stones if she doesn't want any hurled back."
"Who the F says that to a bride on their wedding day? Excuse me‽‽ IDGAF if that was my sister or not."
"That'd be a quick 'there's the exit' from me. She obviously said it in front of others too, so...NTA, OP. Sorry your siblings suck, but congrats to you!" ~ TepHoBubba
"She essentially called you a wh*re on your wedding day, and your brother is just letting it slide. That isn't just 'he feels bad for her'."
"My own brother screwed me over multiple times, treated me like a maid, etc... My father had to leave his job because my brother would play xBox while I was right in front of him scrubbing his muddy bootprints off the carpet...while visibly trembling from chemo.
"I am okay with him now, but it took a while...and we will never get to where we once were. He is more of a distant cousin than a sibling to me."
"While my father was upset at everything he did and acknowledged it was wrong, it irks him to no end that I won't be more chummy with him."
"Several months back, he tried to lecture me on the importance of 'family sticking together'...so I asked Dad what he would have done if anybody, and I mean ANYBODY treated me half as bad as my brother did."
"If my boyfriend—now fiancé—of 7 years, who my father loves like a son, treated me half as badly. My father straight-up stated they would no longer be around to do it again."
"So I asked him why he is expecting me to cozy up to someone who treated me that way just because they are 'family'...after all, doesn't it make it even worse that my own sibling, who was supposed to care about me, treated me so horribly?"
"It finally dawned on dear old Dad that I'm not the one who should be making those amends, and how wrong it was to try to force me to be closer to my bully. That what I am doing is MORE than enough...and he hasn't put that ball in my court since."
"Your brother is expecting you to set yourself on fire to keep her warm, and it needs to stop. At least your parents aren't putting up with that load of bull. NTA, OP. " ~ Lower-Elk8395
"Soooo, lemme get this straight—your sister goes out of her way to mock you AT YOUR WEDDING, but YOU are in the wrong for snapping back? No, OP, NTA. If your sister can't handle responses to her nasty comments, she should keep her mouth shut." ~ HNGWHITEBOI25
"You are NTA and your Mom and Dad are right—Tara will have to get over her jealousy and learn to deal with her own feelings more appropriately."
By the way, kudos to your parents for NOT urging you to apologize to Tara just to keep the family peace! I've read ever so many accounts from people whose parents pressure them like crazy to apologize/knuckle under to outrageously obnoxious family members in the interest of family harmony."
"Those parents are so terrified of conflict that they'll throw their own kids under the bus just to shut up the loudest, most spoiled and selfish member of the family if that family member squawks loudly enough!"
"Of course, all this does is to reward that family member and encourage them to go right on acting like a brat. Your parents are wise enough to see that this never works and that your sister can and should be held to a higher standard."
"Seriously, OP, good for you AND good for your parents!" ~ Royal-House-5478
"NTA, she sounds exhausting. I'd go low(er) contact with her and her minion." ~ PilotIntelligent8906
"NTA, and don't apologize. She began with the nasty comments, so it's her problem if you strike back." ~ Aggressive-Jacket663
"She tried to humiliate you on what is supposed to be one of the best days of your life. NTA." ~ Manager-Limp
"NTA. She was obviously digging at you. She was trying to bring you down on your wedding day."
"Your sister has some issues she needs to work through. Other people's weddings are not the time, nor the place for it."
"I'd simply refuse to apologize. If your sister shouldn't dish it out if she can't take it." ~ Inner-Nothing7779
Luckily, it doesn't sound like her sister or brother ruined her wedding day, but not for lack of trying.
Demanding an apology when the sister's own behavior humiliated her is an odd request. What would they want the OP to say? I'm sorry you're petty and childish?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp