When several major life events overlap, scheduling can be a nightmare.
Everyone can't be everywhere, all at once.
Unless you're Michelle Yeoh, of course.
Sometimes, people just have to send a gift along instead of attending in person.
Decisions to attend or not attend important events can stir up much drama.
Feelings can get hurt, and lashing out is possible.
It can all become a mess very quickly.
Redditor throwaway101101005 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my MOH to stop attacking me after I told her it'd suck to cancel two large life plans for her baby shower?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My M[aid]-O[f]-H[onor] (29 F[emale]) found out she's pregnant and due in August."
"I (29 F) live a plane ride away from her."
"We've been friends for 15 years."
"Today my MOH mentioned planning a baby shower in a group chat with me and our other friend, we can call him Ben (29 M[ale])."
"She asked Ben, who is local to her, 'How can I make sure you can attend the baby shower?'"
"He has a demanding job."
"I have a salary job, and it's easy to get time off."
"MOH shared she wanted to have her baby shower on a specific long weekend between my wedding (In April) and her due date."
"I said, 'I'm so sorry, that's [another friend, let's call her Sue]'s wedding.'"
"MOH said, 'Woof, well, I think that's the only weekend I can do it.'"
"Not only is it Sue's wedding, but I was also planning on going to an event in the wedding area with another friend, Daisy, who was planning to fly there for the event."
"I have no other plans for the remaining weekends."
"I said, 'I'd really hate to have to be an a**hole and cancel on two people, I'd really appreciate it if you did not put me in that position.'"
"Perhaps my wording was disrespectful there."
"My MOH shared that she did not understand why I had an issue canceling on Daisy, but Sue's wedding she can understand."
"I explained that if it came down to it, I would cancel both of them for her baby shower, but it just sucks to be in this position."
"She made several comments such as 'My baby shower doesn't revolve around your schedule' and "'Yeah I get being upset about canceling things, I have to cancel and change things for the next 18 years.'"
"I chose to ignore these comments as she has shared she is hormonal and wants people to go easy on her."
"I asked her to speak to her husband's family about their schedule and let me know to try to de-escalate."
"She said she didn't understand why I was getting upset at her and 'I didn't understand where she was coming from.'"
"Where she is coming from is that she is guessing this weekend is the only weekend her husband's family is available, and the weather around that time would likely be ideal."
"That's when I snapped a bit and pointed out that I was ignoring her rude comments and just wanted to work with her because I love her, but she didn't seem to see that effort and asked her to 'stop attacking me.'"
"From there we did manage to de-escalate, but I still feel hurt that she was not willing to reconsider her plans for me, but had no problem asking Ben about how to make sure he can come."
"I also feel upset that she doesn't find it significant that I am being expected to cancel plans involving travel with multiple people."
"Her opinion is I should have a little problem canceling these other things for her baby shower."
"I love her, I will, but it still f**king sucks."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for telling my MOH to stop attacking me after I told her it'd suck to cancel two large life plans for her baby shower?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"Sorry, but your plan to cancel going to your friend's wedding to go to this friend's baby shower?"
"I mean really?"
"You have your priorities wrong."
"A wedding is more important than a baby shower."
"Can't believe I had to type that. YTA." ~ Safe_Draft_1330
"YTA for putting your decision on your MOH instead of owning it yourself."
"She wants to have her shower on the one wedding you're unavailable."
"That sucks, and you'd be totally within your rights to tell her you're so sorry, but you're busy with a wedding that weekend. It's unfortunate, but people make commitments."
"I see you said in another post that you'd pick the baby shower over the alternate plans because this girl is your bestie."
"Great! I've got people like that, too."
"I think you become the asshole when she says 'Woof, well I think that's the only weekend I can do it.'"
"And you respond by basically telling her, 'Well you're *making* me be an asshole to my other friends - I don't want to, but you're forcing my hand.'"
"If you were sure you were going to attend the baby shower no matter what, the correct response there would have been 'Oh darn, hmm, okay. Do you think you could let me know asap, I'll have a bunch of stuff I have to logistic through. I need to see if I can get some of my money back and let Sue and Betty know I can't make it.'"
"It's informative - it demonstrates that there are other things that need to happen in order for you to attend that weekend, and maybe it would have given her a little nudge to try and find a different date that worked."
"I think that your decision to attend the baby shower over the wedding is yours alone."
"It's up to you what you choose to prioritize, and what plans you choose to keep or cancel."
"It's unfair of you to put that on her."
"I'd feel bad about that too- almost like you were trying to guilt me into choosing a different weekend."
"I'd be annoyed too." ~ PM_Me_Thine_Genital
"YTA. If you're willing to cancel on 2 people to attend the shower, then you don't get to complain about it and try and shift the responsibility to her."
"You're making a choice here, but you don't appear to want to own it."
"The only person being rude and inconsiderate is you." ~ JBW66
"Absolutely. The commitment has been made to the wedding, so you go to the wedding."
"You don't cancel because another social event comes up."
"The only reason you'd cancel is if something beyond your control happens, eg, you have to have an urgent operation."
"OP should've just told her MOH, 'I won't be able to attend that weekend I've already RSVPd to this wedding.'" ~ superkinks
"MOH is going to flake out on her wedding anyway."
"She's going to be heavily pregnant or toting a newborn by wedding time, and she's going to freak out on anybody who wants her to plan a bridal shower or wedding brunch because 'They just don't UNDERSTAND how her priorities have CHANGED you'll understand when you have a baby!!'"
"You feel you absolutely have to attend her shower because you're her friend, but you've already planned to attend a wedding you have to travel for and further plans with another friend while you're there."
"Canceling those plans would make you the AH and you need to appoint a co-MOH 'just in case' she goes into labor the week before your wedding." ~ entirelyintrigued
"Isn't it likely that's what's happening though?"
"MOH is testing the level of the friendship and OP's commitment to it."
"OP said, 'That is literally the only weekend I can't do,' and MOH has doubled down that it has to be that weekend."
"She's essentially saying, 'You must love me the most.'"
"'You will prove it by canceling all other plans.'"
"OP says MOH is hormonal, so she may be acting out of character, but she's not exactly advertising this 15-year friendship as something entirely beneficial to OP."
"The way she's acting would sway me to say, 'I definitely can't do that weekend. Let me know what you decide.'"
"I may have the wrong perception of baby showers, but I think of them as something akin to a non-milestone birthday party, without the date constraint."
"Considering canceling attendance at a wedding for that is kinda crazy."
"OP could easily make missing it up to MOH by taking her to lunch, give her a gift then." ~ Ich_bin_keine_Banane
"YTA. Based on your comments you aren't a great friend to anyone."
"You're willing to rescind a wedding RSVP and cancel on an event someone is flying to meet you at, all for a hypothetical baby shower which you're trying to get moved."
"None of these events revolve around you but you're acting as if you're the most important person in all this."
"You have made a commitment to the wedding and the other event."
"You are unavailable to go that weekend."
"If your friend decides to throw a baby shower that weekend you apologize and do something with her one on one instead."
"Honor your commitments and stop trying to get everything arranged around your own schedule." ~ ausernamebyany_other
"YTA to Sue to bail on her wedding to attend a baby shower."
"Wedding > baby shower, and you accepted first."
"Fair enough on Daisy and rearranging a social hang with enough notice."
"The response is MOH - I can do any day except the day of the wedding, and then apologize and decline if that was the day she still chooses." ~ mness1201
"YTA. Her husband's family's availability is 100% more important than your schedule."
"This is a new family member for them."
"She wasn't asking you if you were available; she was giving you the date, and it is up to you to attend or not."
"She is setting the date for her event on her schedule."
"Her comments weren't even rude."
"She let you know that you are not the priority here and that your comments were unnecessary." ~ sheramom4
"YTA."
"'Don't put me in this position.'"
"What freaking position?"
"All you had to say was, 'I'm busy that weekend and can't make it/I'm not sure I can make it then.'"
"If she wants to take that into consideration, she can, but she doesn't have to."
"And since you're saying in the comments that you'd cancel stuff anyway, this makes even less sense."
"'I have X wedding and something else going on that weekend, so to me, any other weekend would be better. However if that's the only possible one, of course, I'll come.'"
"No one was putting you into anything until you put yourself there."
"Also, what's with the MOH title? If this is your best friend or friend, then just call them that."
"Or call them by name."
"MOH seems ridiculous when this isn't about your wedding." ~ CinderellaGoneCrazy
"Your MOH doesn't seem to want to move the date of her baby shower."
"Whether or not you understand why, that's where it's at."
"So you now have to choose between her baby shower and your other plans."
"YTA not for the choice you're making, but for putting that choice on your MOH and trying to make her feel assholish about it."
"It's your choice, whichever one you make. So make it, and deal with the logistics and consequences."
"Personally, if I'd already RSVPed to a wedding and arranged flights and an outing with someone else, I'd be RSVPing to the baby shower with regrets and trying to arrange another time to catch up with MOH to celebrate bub's impending arrival." ~ embopbopbopdoowop
"YTA - because you make it easy to walk all over you."
"You have made it abundantly clear that you would cancel alternative plans for this, but it is so clear that your MOH just doesn't feel the same way about you."
"Your only response to this situation should have been; 'I can't do this weekend, full stop.'"
"It is selfish and immature to void two things that have been planned well in advance."
"If she truly cared for you, she would change the date to accommodate you."
"Right now there's no need, because you've made it clear that you're such a doormat she can do whatever she wants and you'll follow." ~ goatshepherd20981
"YTA for your way of thinking and the fact you think it's ok to cancel going to a wedding you have already accepted going to."
'A baby shower does not come before a wedding regardless of how you see your friendships, it would be extremely rude of you to cancel the plans you already have."
"The only correct answer to your friend is that due to prior commitments, you cannot attend their baby shower on that weekend."
"Stop causing drama where there shouldn't be any."
"Act like the adult you are supposed to be!" ~ Mishy162
"YTA for trying to guilt her into changing the date."
"If you can't make it because of another important event well, that's just life."
"But you did say, 'I'm sorry, I can't make that date,' you told her not to put you in the position of having to choose her over someone else."
"That is pressuring her into choosing another date."
"She's choosing the date that works best for her." ~ AriasK
"Not for saying that to her, but YTA for canceling things you've already agreed to."
"Go to the wedding, skip the baby shower because you have prior commitments." ~ WatchingTellyNow
"YTA... you're making it a bigger deal than it needs to be."
"You just say sorry I have plans that weekend I can't go."
"Then get on with your lives." ~ Due_Cup2867
"YTA for the way you chose to make it about canceling things."
"All you had to say was 'Sorry, I've already committed to attend Sue's wedding that weekend, so I wouldn't be able to make it.'" ~ Cangal39
"YTA for being willing to cancel on two friends, including a WEDDING."
"Best friend or not, this speaks volumes of your character." ~ Normal-Ad-6787
OP returned with some updates...
"This baby shower is NOT scheduled or confirmed with any of her family."
"She was throwing out a possible weekend and I shared I was busy."
"To clarify, if this date was SET and she told me, 'This is when it is, it is scheduled,' I would not have given her any grief at all."
"Some commenters have expressed opinion changes with this detail."
"We have the kind of friendship where I am 100% expected to attend this baby shower, which she considers a major life event."
"I am wondering if I am the a**hole for not wanting to cancel on my other commitments or if she is the A**hole for expecting me to cancel these and not being very willing to choose a date I am free, despite completely expecting my presence."
"Also, I spoke with my MOH today, and we have resolved this conflict."
"We had a communication breakdown."
"She does expect me to be there but understands I have commitments."
"She chose another weekend."
Communication is key to everything in life.
Glad to hear you and your MOH were able to find a compromise.
It would be sad to see a 15-year friendship go south so quickly.
So much is going on in both of your lives that it's easy to get stressed.
Good luck with all of the upcoming events for both of you.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp