When several major life events overlap, scheduling can be a nightmare.
Everyone can’t be everywhere, all at once.
Unless you’re Michelle Yeoh, of course.
Sometimes, people just have to send a gift along instead of attending in person.
Decisions to attend or not attend important events can stir up much drama.
Feelings can get hurt, and lashing out is possible.
It can all become a mess very quickly.
Redditor throwaway101101005 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my MOH to stop attacking me after I told her it’d suck to cancel two large life plans for her baby shower?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My M[aid]-O[f]-H[onor] (29 F[emale]) found out she’s pregnant and due in August.”
“I (29 F) live a plane ride away from her.”
“We’ve been friends for 15 years.”
“Today my MOH mentioned planning a baby shower in a group chat with me and our other friend, we can call him Ben (29 M[ale]).”
“She asked Ben, who is local to her, ‘How can I make sure you can attend the baby shower?'”
“He has a demanding job.”
“I have a salary job, and it’s easy to get time off.”
“MOH shared she wanted to have her baby shower on a specific long weekend between my wedding (In April) and her due date.”
“I said, ‘I’m so sorry, that’s [another friend, let’s call her Sue]’s wedding.'”
“MOH said, ‘Woof, well, I think that’s the only weekend I can do it.'”
“Not only is it Sue’s wedding, but I was also planning on going to an event in the wedding area with another friend, Daisy, who was planning to fly there for the event.”
“I have no other plans for the remaining weekends.”
“I said, ‘I’d really hate to have to be an a**hole and cancel on two people, I’d really appreciate it if you did not put me in that position.'”
“Perhaps my wording was disrespectful there.”
“My MOH shared that she did not understand why I had an issue canceling on Daisy, but Sue’s wedding she can understand.”
“I explained that if it came down to it, I would cancel both of them for her baby shower, but it just sucks to be in this position.”
“She made several comments such as ‘My baby shower doesn’t revolve around your schedule’ and “‘Yeah I get being upset about canceling things, I have to cancel and change things for the next 18 years.'”
“I chose to ignore these comments as she has shared she is hormonal and wants people to go easy on her.”
“I asked her to speak to her husband’s family about their schedule and let me know to try to de-escalate.”
“She said she didn’t understand why I was getting upset at her and ‘I didn’t understand where she was coming from.'”
“Where she is coming from is that she is guessing this weekend is the only weekend her husband’s family is available, and the weather around that time would likely be ideal.”
“That’s when I snapped a bit and pointed out that I was ignoring her rude comments and just wanted to work with her because I love her, but she didn’t seem to see that effort and asked her to ‘stop attacking me.'”
“From there we did manage to de-escalate, but I still feel hurt that she was not willing to reconsider her plans for me, but had no problem asking Ben about how to make sure he can come.”
“I also feel upset that she doesn’t find it significant that I am being expected to cancel plans involving travel with multiple people.”
“Her opinion is I should have a little problem canceling these other things for her baby shower.”
“I love her, I will, but it still f**king sucks.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for telling my MOH to stop attacking me after I told her it’d suck to cancel two large life plans for her baby shower?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“Sorry, but your plan to cancel going to your friend’s wedding to go to this friend’s baby shower?”
“I mean really?”
“You have your priorities wrong.”
“A wedding is more important than a baby shower.”
“Can’t believe I had to type that. YTA.” ~ Safe_Draft_1330
“YTA for putting your decision on your MOH instead of owning it yourself.”
“She wants to have her shower on the one wedding you’re unavailable.”
“That sucks, and you’d be totally within your rights to tell her you’re so sorry, but you’re busy with a wedding that weekend. It’s unfortunate, but people make commitments.”
“I see you said in another post that you’d pick the baby shower over the alternate plans because this girl is your bestie.”
“Great! I’ve got people like that, too.”
“I think you become the asshole when she says ‘Woof, well I think that’s the only weekend I can do it.'”
“And you respond by basically telling her, ‘Well you’re *making* me be an asshole to my other friends – I don’t want to, but you’re forcing my hand.'”
“If you were sure you were going to attend the baby shower no matter what, the correct response there would have been ‘Oh darn, hmm, okay. Do you think you could let me know asap, I’ll have a bunch of stuff I have to logistic through. I need to see if I can get some of my money back and let Sue and Betty know I can’t make it.'”
“It’s informative – it demonstrates that there are other things that need to happen in order for you to attend that weekend, and maybe it would have given her a little nudge to try and find a different date that worked.”
“I think that your decision to attend the baby shower over the wedding is yours alone.”
“It’s up to you what you choose to prioritize, and what plans you choose to keep or cancel.”
“It’s unfair of you to put that on her.”
“I’d feel bad about that too- almost like you were trying to guilt me into choosing a different weekend.”
“I’d be annoyed too.” ~ PM_Me_Thine_Genital
“YTA. If you’re willing to cancel on 2 people to attend the shower, then you don’t get to complain about it and try and shift the responsibility to her.”
“You’re making a choice here, but you don’t appear to want to own it.”
“The only person being rude and inconsiderate is you.” ~ JBW66
“Absolutely. The commitment has been made to the wedding, so you go to the wedding.”
“You don’t cancel because another social event comes up.”
“The only reason you’d cancel is if something beyond your control happens, eg, you have to have an urgent operation.”
“OP should’ve just told her MOH, ‘I won’t be able to attend that weekend I’ve already RSVPd to this wedding.'” ~ superkinks
“MOH is going to flake out on her wedding anyway.”
“She’s going to be heavily pregnant or toting a newborn by wedding time, and she’s going to freak out on anybody who wants her to plan a bridal shower or wedding brunch because ‘They just don’t UNDERSTAND how her priorities have CHANGED you’ll understand when you have a baby!!’”
“You feel you absolutely have to attend her shower because you’re her friend, but you’ve already planned to attend a wedding you have to travel for and further plans with another friend while you’re there.”
“Canceling those plans would make you the AH and you need to appoint a co-MOH ‘just in case’ she goes into labor the week before your wedding.” ~ entirelyintrigued
“Isn’t it likely that’s what’s happening though?”
“MOH is testing the level of the friendship and OP’s commitment to it.”
“OP said, ‘That is literally the only weekend I can’t do,’ and MOH has doubled down that it has to be that weekend.”
“She’s essentially saying, ‘You must love me the most.'”
“‘You will prove it by canceling all other plans.’”
“OP says MOH is hormonal, so she may be acting out of character, but she’s not exactly advertising this 15-year friendship as something entirely beneficial to OP.”
“The way she’s acting would sway me to say, ‘I definitely can’t do that weekend. Let me know what you decide.’”
“I may have the wrong perception of baby showers, but I think of them as something akin to a non-milestone birthday party, without the date constraint.”
“Considering canceling attendance at a wedding for that is kinda crazy.”
“OP could easily make missing it up to MOH by taking her to lunch, give her a gift then.” ~ Ich_bin_keine_Banane
“YTA. Based on your comments you aren’t a great friend to anyone.”
“You’re willing to rescind a wedding RSVP and cancel on an event someone is flying to meet you at, all for a hypothetical baby shower which you’re trying to get moved.”
“None of these events revolve around you but you’re acting as if you’re the most important person in all this.”
“You have made a commitment to the wedding and the other event.”
“You are unavailable to go that weekend.”
“If your friend decides to throw a baby shower that weekend you apologize and do something with her one on one instead.”
“Honor your commitments and stop trying to get everything arranged around your own schedule.” ~ ausernamebyany_other
“YTA to Sue to bail on her wedding to attend a baby shower.”
“Wedding > baby shower, and you accepted first.”
“Fair enough on Daisy and rearranging a social hang with enough notice.”
“The response is MOH – I can do any day except the day of the wedding, and then apologize and decline if that was the day she still chooses.” ~ mness1201
“YTA. Her husband’s family’s availability is 100% more important than your schedule.”
“This is a new family member for them.”
“She wasn’t asking you if you were available; she was giving you the date, and it is up to you to attend or not.”
“She is setting the date for her event on her schedule.”
“Her comments weren’t even rude.”
“She let you know that you are not the priority here and that your comments were unnecessary.” ~ sheramom4
“YTA.”
“‘Don’t put me in this position.'”
“What freaking position?”
“All you had to say was, ‘I’m busy that weekend and can’t make it/I’m not sure I can make it then.'”
“If she wants to take that into consideration, she can, but she doesn’t have to.”
“And since you’re saying in the comments that you’d cancel stuff anyway, this makes even less sense.”
“‘I have X wedding and something else going on that weekend, so to me, any other weekend would be better. However if that’s the only possible one, of course, I’ll come.'”
“No one was putting you into anything until you put yourself there.”
“Also, what’s with the MOH title? If this is your best friend or friend, then just call them that.”
“Or call them by name.”
“MOH seems ridiculous when this isn’t about your wedding.” ~ CinderellaGoneCrazy
“Your MOH doesn’t seem to want to move the date of her baby shower.”
“Whether or not you understand why, that’s where it’s at.”
“So you now have to choose between her baby shower and your other plans.”
“YTA not for the choice you’re making, but for putting that choice on your MOH and trying to make her feel assholish about it.”
“It’s your choice, whichever one you make. So make it, and deal with the logistics and consequences.”
“Personally, if I’d already RSVPed to a wedding and arranged flights and an outing with someone else, I’d be RSVPing to the baby shower with regrets and trying to arrange another time to catch up with MOH to celebrate bub’s impending arrival.” ~ embopbopbopdoowop
“YTA – because you make it easy to walk all over you.”
“You have made it abundantly clear that you would cancel alternative plans for this, but it is so clear that your MOH just doesn’t feel the same way about you.”
“Your only response to this situation should have been; ‘I can’t do this weekend, full stop.'”
“It is selfish and immature to void two things that have been planned well in advance.”
“If she truly cared for you, she would change the date to accommodate you.”
“Right now there’s no need, because you’ve made it clear that you’re such a doormat she can do whatever she wants and you’ll follow.” ~ goatshepherd20981
“YTA for your way of thinking and the fact you think it’s ok to cancel going to a wedding you have already accepted going to.”
‘A baby shower does not come before a wedding regardless of how you see your friendships, it would be extremely rude of you to cancel the plans you already have.”
“The only correct answer to your friend is that due to prior commitments, you cannot attend their baby shower on that weekend.”
“Stop causing drama where there shouldn’t be any.”
“Act like the adult you are supposed to be!” ~ Mishy162
“YTA for trying to guilt her into changing the date.”
“If you can’t make it because of another important event well, that’s just life.”
“But you did say, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t make that date,’ you told her not to put you in the position of having to choose her over someone else.”
“That is pressuring her into choosing another date.”
“She’s choosing the date that works best for her.” ~ AriasK
“Not for saying that to her, but YTA for canceling things you’ve already agreed to.”
“Go to the wedding, skip the baby shower because you have prior commitments.” ~ WatchingTellyNow
“YTA… you’re making it a bigger deal than it needs to be.”
“You just say sorry I have plans that weekend I can’t go.”
“Then get on with your lives.” ~ Due_Cup2867
“YTA for the way you chose to make it about canceling things.”
“All you had to say was ‘Sorry, I’ve already committed to attend Sue’s wedding that weekend, so I wouldn’t be able to make it.'” ~ Cangal39
“YTA for being willing to cancel on two friends, including a WEDDING.”
“Best friend or not, this speaks volumes of your character.” ~ Normal-Ad-6787
OP returned with some updates…
“This baby shower is NOT scheduled or confirmed with any of her family.”
“She was throwing out a possible weekend and I shared I was busy.”
“To clarify, if this date was SET and she told me, ‘This is when it is, it is scheduled,’ I would not have given her any grief at all.”
“Some commenters have expressed opinion changes with this detail.”
“We have the kind of friendship where I am 100% expected to attend this baby shower, which she considers a major life event.”
“I am wondering if I am the a**hole for not wanting to cancel on my other commitments or if she is the A**hole for expecting me to cancel these and not being very willing to choose a date I am free, despite completely expecting my presence.”
“Also, I spoke with my MOH today, and we have resolved this conflict.”
“We had a communication breakdown.”
“She does expect me to be there but understands I have commitments.”
“She chose another weekend.”
Communication is key to everything in life.
Glad to hear you and your MOH were able to find a compromise.
It would be sad to see a 15-year friendship go south so quickly.
So much is going on in both of your lives that it’s easy to get stressed.
Good luck with all of the upcoming events for both of you.