Content Warning: Addiction, Recovery
Any parent who is trying their best to be a good parent will also admit that there is no such thing as being perfect. Parents will make mistakes that will hurt their children's feelings.
But some mistakes have a far more lasting effect, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor throwra1290s was doing her best to get her life back together and to repair her relationships with her husband and her young daughter on her road to sobriety.
But when she discovered how close her daughter had become to her sister-in-law while she was receiving medical attention, the Original Poster (OP) felt defensive of her role in her daughter's life.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for keeping my daughter away from my sister-in-law?"
The OP's relationship with her daughter didn't get off to the best start.
"During the first four-ish years of my daughter's life, my husband and I had many fights and struggles while I dealt with addiction."
"At one point, he was living with my daughter and his brother for almost two years, and we nearly got divorced. My daughter bonded very strongly with his brother's wife, my sister-in-law (SIL)."
The OP pursued her sobriety during the pandemic.
"The pandemic opened my eyes, and my husband and I have healed a lot, and I am repairing my relationship with him and my daughter."
"I attend sobriety groups and parenting classes. I understand these things take time."
"However, he continuously brings my daughter to visit his brother and her wife. If you ask my daughter, she'll say her favorite person is her aunt."
"My daughter can't help this, but my sister-in-law certainly can. She is always calling my daughter 'my baby,' taking her on outings, etc. She will FaceTime my husband just to speak to my daughter."
"She seems not to want to relinquish the place she took in my daughter's life."
The OP was trying to bond with her daughter instead of her sister-in-law.
"A few weeks ago, I took my daughter to get her ears pierced for her birthday. This was supposed to be a special moment for us. It was the same birthday my mom took me."
"But instead, my daughter started panicking uncontrollably and wanting my sister-in-law. She didn't want to do it without my sister-in-law there."
"At this point, I decided to put my foot down. I have been trying to decrease the visits and the FaceTimes."
The OP's husband did not support her decision.
"But now my husband is catching on."
"I try to explain my daughter needs to spend time with us as a family without outside influences, and she needs to bond with her mother without being confused."
"He says I am being selfish. I don't see how it's selfish to want to repair my relationship with my child."
"He says that it is unfair to my daughter, and I explained yes it is but he is making it a thousand times worse by not ripping off the band-aid."
"I have worked so hard to get my family back; meanwhile, my husband will not even give me an inch. It's frustrating that I am always made out to be the bad guy when all I want is to fix things."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP's concerns about her daughter were incredibly selfish.
"YTA."
"You're not trying to repair anything. You're trying to hold your daughter hostage so you can feel like a mommy without actually having to put in the work."
"Your daughter refused to do something scary and painful without the adult she trusts NOT to abandon her. Let that sink in."
"You don't win your daughter's trust by stripping away everything that makes her feel safe."
"Just to be clear. YTA." - Cara_Ceeth
"The OP was gone emotionally and physically for half of her daughter's life. She was addicted and then, eventually, absent."
"This child bonded with her aunt because she was the only female parental figure in her life. The OP was a mother in biology only."
"Trust is earned, and it will take a long time for her daughter to trust that she won't abandon her again. Taking away her aunt will only make that worse."
"It's going to take a lot of consistency. A lot of just being there. Not parties or ear piercings. It's going to be school drop-offs, dance recitals, snack mom at soccer practice, and bedtime stories."
"The best thing the OP can do is include her SIL. If her daughter sees that her aunt trusts her, she will, too."
"OP, YTA." - auntiecoagulent
"There's no magic wand to fix your relationship, and if there was, you probably would have pawned it and gone to the bar just a few years ago. Think about that."
"You kind of 'forgot' to post how old your daughter is, but you chose alcohol over her for years. That just doesn't go away."
"And instead of being jealous of your SIL, perhaps you should build a relationship with her too. You could probably use a new friend group." - AHDetector
"So your solution to win your daughter's love (who is estranged because of your behavior) is to hurt her? YTA."
"People can love multiple people, you know... There's no limit on how many people one can love. But forcing someone out of your daughter's heart will brake your relationship forever."
"You have so much time to heal your relationship with your daughter... You missed too much of her life, and she found a safe haven in her father, uncle, and aunt."
"I would be forever grateful that someone loves my daughter so much that was there for her when I wasn't (even if it wasn't my fault from the beginning)."
"You act like you don't even try to bond with her. You came back into her life and expect that this would automatically give you full access to her heart. That's not how it works. You must work to win her back."
"Banning the people who love her is the first step in the wrong direction to losing your daughter forever. Instead, embrace that love that surrounds your daughter."
"I think a good solution would be to spend time with both of them, play dates, where your daughter can see that there's nothing wrong with her feelings because there's not. Your daughter needs to feel comfortable in your presence. Right now, she's not because you truly care only about what you want and what you feel instead of what she wants and what she feels."
"There's only so much bonding time in the 24 hours in a day, and it's frustrating that you cannot see this."
"Every small stuff you could do for your daughter (not for you): brush her hair, sing her songs, watch cartoons, play together with her toys, read her stories, look at the pictures from her birth till now, and talk about how much you loved her ever since she was growing inside of you..."
"There's a long list of things that you can do... And you ignore everything... It's so sad."
"You should start therapy for yourself. You really need it. And please try to start rebuilding your relationship with your daughter. If not, you will lose her."
"Between the two of you, you are the one who made mistakes. You are the adult. You are the one who must repent and rebuild."
"That is if you really want to." - Signal-Database1739
Others agreed with the harsh judgment but tried to take a more empathetic approach.
"I 100% agree with other comments about the OP being selfish. But I just wanted to say I understand the impulse."
"My MIL moved to town last year. Before that, she lived quite far away. She's a wonderful, energetic grandma, and my kids adore her. They spend a least one night a week with her. Every now and then, I find myself wanting to limit their time with her, and I'll make excuses, like she gives them too much junk food, but honestly, I know it's just jealousy that I have to be the vegetable and homework enforcer, and she gets all the fun."
"And I know that's not the same as your situation, OP, but the reminder I have to give myself is similar to what you should say to yourself. That reminder is simple: our children deserve ALL THE LOVE they can get. This world is tough enough without us letting our egos dictate our parenting."
"Let her have access to ALL THE LOVE. Your love, her father's love, her Aunt's love. All of it. Just let her have this, and she will see that you're trustworthy again. That you want what's best for her, rather than what's best for you. She'll come back to you if you stop being an AH." - Artistic-Lack-8282
"Having jealous thoughts is normal for everyone. It's all about how you act on it. When my ex first remarried, I struggled at first. I was worried they'd like her 'better' because she was the 'fun mom.'"
"And then one day it hit me, just how fortunate my sons are to have two moms and two dads instead of just one of each. And that my children would always love me because I'm their mother. And they'll always love their father because he's their father."
"And it's okay if they love someone else because we don't have a limit on how many people we can love." - Cara_Ceath
"OP, when you open your heart to your sister-in-law's relationship with your daughter, you will model what parent-child love is for her. Your sister-in-law is not standing in the way of your relationship with your daughter; you have to build that on your own, regardless of how your child feels about her."
"But make no mistake, tearing apart that relationship will severely and perhaps irreparably damage your relationship with your daughter, not help it grow. Your sister-in-law is not a weed in your family garden. She is a beautiful flower your daughter treasures."
"YTA, even if your feelings are human and natural. But they cannot be acted on productively and without harming the daughter you want to be closer to." - Curious-One4595
"I am the aunt that my niece is super close with, and even though I have always tried to respect her mom's feelings, we're extremely close. She refers to me as her 'bestie mom sister,' and there have definitely been times when she preferred me to her parents."
"(They have some substance issues, and her brother is truly out of control and violent.) She has stayed in my cabin during vacations, and there are things she will only talk to me about."
"I do my best to respect her parents and not act like I am her mom. The amazing thing? Every single time I have brought it up with my SIL (her mom), my SIL, is like, 'Oh my gosh, nooo, I love that you love her so much!'"
"She thinks it's amazing for her to have close relationships with other adults and is just grateful that her child has someone who loves her so big that she loves back! We're family! I'm not trying to steal her, I just love her, and we are extremely similar and super close!"
"OP, YTA. Kids come around on their time. I know you are ready for a perfectly happy family, but it looks like you're blinded by this desire. Your daughter isn't there with you yet, and I'm sure that is super hard!"
"However, she does have love, support, and safe people in her life! That's the most important thing. Give her the time, space, and patience to let her come to you. It will happen, but remember that you can't force a kid to love you. Good luck!" - Deep_Middle9124
The subReddit was deeply divided between the angry and the empathetic on this one, as some could understand why the OP was experiencing her feelings, while others said it was her fault.
But everyone could agree that the OP's concerns, and her using them to distance her daughter from her sister-in-law, was unfair to her daughter and would ultimately hurt her, as well as her relationship with the OP.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp