Pregnancy is how we all got here, but just because it’s something we’ve all been through at least once doesn’t mean it’s not full of risks.
One thing that can compound those risks is undue stress. Sometimes what’s best for mom and her pregnancy is cutting ties—temporarily or permanently—with people who cause conflict and tension.
A husband who took a firm stance with his mother turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Ok_Relation9995 asked:
“AITA for kicking my mother out of our house for making comments about my wife’s pregnancy?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (37, male) have been married to my wife (36, female) for 12 years. We have a 10-year-old son who is autistic. Three years ago, my wife had a stillbirth.”
*Stillbirth in pregnancy refers to the death of a fetus—either before or during birth—after the fetus reaches a viable state in the gestation process. Miscarriage is death after conception, but before reaching a viable state.
“She’s currently 21 weeks pregnant and, of course, we’re hoping for the best and praying. My wife has severe anxiety about this pregnancy now, as well, along with nightmares.”
“I’ve just been trying to do my best for her. She’s been seeing a therapist.”
“We had dinner with my parents a few days ago for a family event, and my mom began talking how hopefully this one’s born healthy—mentally and physically—implying something about our son’s autism.”
“I instantly shut her down and said that’s not even on our minds. She made a comment saying it should be, and my father told her to stop.”
“A little later on, she started talking again, asking if my wife is considered high-risk because she’s of her age (36). She then went on to say how she’ll be praying for us because it’s more likely to happen if it’s happened before and my wife’s age plays a factor now as well.”
“I then said, ‘Okay, I think it’s time for you to leave’. She got upset and said what she said was kind.”
“I said, ‘I already told you not to bring it up’. We got into a huge argument, but she did end up leaving. My father apologized on her behalf.”
“Later that night, my mom started texting me, calling me an a**hole, said she couldn’t believe I would kick her out of my house for saying she’d pray for me, and how badly I broke her heart tonight.”
“She went on a rant how this isn’t how she raised me. She texted me again today saying she’s still waiting for an apology.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I kicked my mother out of my house because she kept making comments on my wife’s pregnancy. She called me an a**hole and said I broke her heart.”
“I might be the a**hole because she wasn’t saying necessarily rude things and she’s my mother.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. For some reason, people think they have the right to speak every thought that runs through their heads to their family members, even when those words are not helpful. That seems to be the case here.”
“I am certain that everyone you know is hoping that your child is healthy and not on the autism spectrum. However, it would be cruel to bring that up in a conversation.”
“From my experience, when a family member starts that sort of conversation, it is always under the guise of ‘I was worried’ or ‘I care so much’, which supposedly makes it okay. But, it doesn’t.”
“It never occurs to them that the need to shut up doesn’t just apply to other people; it extends to them as well. Of course, it’s the SAME people who ‘demand apologies’ due to the hurt feelings for the problem THEY caused.”
“Don’t fall for it. You did nothing wrong and don’t owe anyone an apology.” ~ MedicinalWalnuts
“I agree with most of what you said, except for the ‘[everyone is] hoping your child isn’t on the autism spectrum’ part.”
“I’m not going to pretend I know what it’s like to have a high needs child on the spectrum who needs round the clock care, has violent outbursts, etc… and maybe OP’s child does, but OP doesn’t say anything about their child being difficult or even a source of stress for his wife during her pregnancy.”
“But, as someone who has a child on the spectrum, I wouldn’t change a damn thing. Neurotypical people have got to stop acting like autism is some horrible disease instead of a different way of being.”
“Yes, they may need early intervention so they can move easier through a world that isn’t set up for them, but it is so infuriating when people act like being on the spectrum is some kind of defect.”
“It’s similar to homosexuality—are there aspects of their lives that will be more difficult because other people suck? Yes. Does it mean there’s something wrong with them as a person? Absolutely not, it’s part of what makes them who they are.”
“OP, NTA for protecting your wife. I hope you’re protecting your child just as fiercely.” ~ Dangerous-Variety-35
“NTA. Your mother was rude and insensitive. Now she’s being manipulative. Your Dad even told her to stop.”
“I take it she doesn’t handle being wrong that well. Stand your ground. You were perfectly correct in thinking of your family first.” ~ CSurvivor9
“NTA. That was the right choice for your wife, your son, your marriage, and for yourself. Your wife does not need to be told what the risks are or how her history could impact the current pregnancy.”
“Your wife is a grown a** woman who is so acutely aware of her situation that she’s having nightmares. Your mother wasn’t being kind or helpful.”
“She was being cruel. Allowing someone to be cruel to your family in their own home (which should be their one guaranteed safe place) would make you the a**hole. Stopping it makes you the good guy.”
“For your wife and son’s sakes, I think you need to keep your mother away from them both during the rest of the pregnancy. You can go see your parents whenever you’d like. You can invite your father over, he seems fine.”
“Your wife is already scared and anxious. Your mother thinks your son is somehow less than. Please stop subjecting your family to your mother. They don’t deserve the insults and abuse.” ~ StacyB125
“Not to mention his son is 10, which means there’s a good chance that he’s already heard his grandmother talking sh*t about him.” ~ JustALizzyLife
“Absolutely this. OP, if your son ever catches wind of her talking like this, he’ll be quite aware his grandmother doesn’t like who and what he is, which is cruel.”
“She’s also stoking your wife’s fears, which again, is cruel. More than that, stress can negatively impact a pregnancy, so she’s making things riskier.” ~ needsmorecoffee
“Yeah, these are the same a**holes who are all, ‘Well, SOMEONE had to say it!’ No, no they didn’t.”
“Everyone is aware of the situation and handling it the best they can. No one needs some dipsh*t Kramering in and bringing up all the shit you’re trying to avoid talking about.” ~ Troublemaker2172
“NTA. I would just respond back with ‘I’ll pray for you’. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” ~ starry_nite99
“NTA. This isn’t how she raised you? Well, you didn’t raise her to be an insensitive, unkind, disrespectful parent. It goes both ways.”
“A good parent learns from their children, but apparently yours learned nothing. She has broken your heart by intentionally targeting your wife with hurtful subjects and unwanted opinions. She has proven she’s unsupportive and untrustworthy.”
“See what I did there? Turn it right back around on her. Everything she accuses you of, make it her sin instead.” ~ CPSue
“NTA. She was warned. What good did she think these comments were doing? Good for you for standing up for your wife.” ~ lihzee
“NTA. You set a boundary and she couldn’t respect that. If she can’t respect that, there’s consequences to your actions. And good on OP for standing up for your wife!” ~ HawaiiHarley17
“NTA. Your mother sounds like a ray of sunshine. She sounds like on Seinfeld, when George Costanza volunteered to visit senior citizens and he badgers the guy in his mid-80s as to why he’s not worried he could die any minute since the average lifespan is 72. I’m glad you protected your wife from that negativity.” ~ TemptingPenguin369
“NTA. Is your mom truly that oblivious to how insensitive she’s being? It almost sounds like malice. Tell her a good Christian should welcome and love any child born to your family, not just her version of ‘perfect’ ones!” ~ TrainerHonest2695
“‘I am sorry my mother is SO selfish and tone deaf that she felt it was alright to repeatedly bully my pregnant wife in my own home’.”
“There’s your apology. Or text her, ‘No apologies, bye for now’ and then block her number.” ~ 2dogslife
While she may be his mother, the OP has a pregnant wife and child to consider.
Since his mother is the problem, it seems like removing her was exactly the right thing to do.