Pregnancy is how we all got here, but just because it's something we've all been through at least once doesn't mean it's not full of risks.
One thing that can compound those risks is undue stress. Sometimes what's best for mom and her pregnancy is cutting ties—temporarily or permanently—with people who cause conflict and tension.
A husband who took a firm stance with his mother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Ok_Relation9995 asked:
"AITA for kicking my mother out of our house for making comments about my wife's pregnancy?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (37, male) have been married to my wife (36, female) for 12 years. We have a 10-year-old son who is autistic. Three years ago, my wife had a stillbirth."
*Stillbirth in pregnancy refers to the death of a fetus—either before or during birth—after the fetus reaches a viable state in the gestation process. Miscarriage is death after conception, but before reaching a viable state.
"She's currently 21 weeks pregnant and, of course, we're hoping for the best and praying. My wife has severe anxiety about this pregnancy now, as well, along with nightmares."
"I've just been trying to do my best for her. She's been seeing a therapist."
"We had dinner with my parents a few days ago for a family event, and my mom began talking how hopefully this one's born healthy—mentally and physically—implying something about our son's autism."
"I instantly shut her down and said that's not even on our minds. She made a comment saying it should be, and my father told her to stop."
"A little later on, she started talking again, asking if my wife is considered high-risk because she's of her age (36). She then went on to say how she'll be praying for us because it's more likely to happen if it's happened before and my wife's age plays a factor now as well."
"I then said, 'Okay, I think it's time for you to leave'. She got upset and said what she said was kind."
"I said, 'I already told you not to bring it up'. We got into a huge argument, but she did end up leaving. My father apologized on her behalf."
"Later that night, my mom started texting me, calling me an a**hole, said she couldn't believe I would kick her out of my house for saying she'd pray for me, and how badly I broke her heart tonight."
"She went on a rant how this isn't how she raised me. She texted me again today saying she's still waiting for an apology."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I kicked my mother out of my house because she kept making comments on my wife's pregnancy. She called me an a**hole and said I broke her heart."
"I might be the a**hole because she wasn't saying necessarily rude things and she's my mother."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. For some reason, people think they have the right to speak every thought that runs through their heads to their family members, even when those words are not helpful. That seems to be the case here."
"I am certain that everyone you know is hoping that your child is healthy and not on the autism spectrum. However, it would be cruel to bring that up in a conversation."
"From my experience, when a family member starts that sort of conversation, it is always under the guise of 'I was worried' or 'I care so much', which supposedly makes it okay. But, it doesn't."
"It never occurs to them that the need to shut up doesn't just apply to other people; it extends to them as well. Of course, it's the SAME people who 'demand apologies' due to the hurt feelings for the problem THEY caused."
"Don't fall for it. You did nothing wrong and don't owe anyone an apology." ~ MedicinalWalnuts
"I agree with most of what you said, except for the '[everyone is] hoping your child isn't on the autism spectrum' part."
"I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like to have a high needs child on the spectrum who needs round the clock care, has violent outbursts, etc... and maybe OP's child does, but OP doesn't say anything about their child being difficult or even a source of stress for his wife during her pregnancy."
"But, as someone who has a child on the spectrum, I wouldn't change a damn thing. Neurotypical people have got to stop acting like autism is some horrible disease instead of a different way of being."
"Yes, they may need early intervention so they can move easier through a world that isn't set up for them, but it is so infuriating when people act like being on the spectrum is some kind of defect."
"It's similar to homosexuality—are there aspects of their lives that will be more difficult because other people suck? Yes. Does it mean there's something wrong with them as a person? Absolutely not, it's part of what makes them who they are."
"OP, NTA for protecting your wife. I hope you're protecting your child just as fiercely." ~ Dangerous-Variety-35
"NTA. Your mother was rude and insensitive. Now she's being manipulative. Your Dad even told her to stop."
"I take it she doesn't handle being wrong that well. Stand your ground. You were perfectly correct in thinking of your family first." ~ CSurvivor9
"NTA. That was the right choice for your wife, your son, your marriage, and for yourself. Your wife does not need to be told what the risks are or how her history could impact the current pregnancy."
"Your wife is a grown a** woman who is so acutely aware of her situation that she's having nightmares. Your mother wasn't being kind or helpful."
"She was being cruel. Allowing someone to be cruel to your family in their own home (which should be their one guaranteed safe place) would make you the a**hole. Stopping it makes you the good guy."
"For your wife and son's sakes, I think you need to keep your mother away from them both during the rest of the pregnancy. You can go see your parents whenever you'd like. You can invite your father over, he seems fine."
"Your wife is already scared and anxious. Your mother thinks your son is somehow less than. Please stop subjecting your family to your mother. They don't deserve the insults and abuse." ~ StacyB125
"Not to mention his son is 10, which means there's a good chance that he's already heard his grandmother talking sh*t about him." ~ JustALizzyLife
"Absolutely this. OP, if your son ever catches wind of her talking like this, he'll be quite aware his grandmother doesn't like who and what he is, which is cruel."
"She's also stoking your wife's fears, which again, is cruel. More than that, stress can negatively impact a pregnancy, so she's making things riskier." ~ needsmorecoffee
"Yeah, these are the same a**holes who are all, 'Well, SOMEONE had to say it!' No, no they didn't."
"Everyone is aware of the situation and handling it the best they can. No one needs some dipsh*t Kramering in and bringing up all the shit you're trying to avoid talking about." ~ Troublemaker2172
"NTA. I would just respond back with 'I'll pray for you'. What's good for the goose is good for the gander." ~ starry_nite99
"NTA. This isn't how she raised you? Well, you didn't raise her to be an insensitive, unkind, disrespectful parent. It goes both ways."
"A good parent learns from their children, but apparently yours learned nothing. She has broken your heart by intentionally targeting your wife with hurtful subjects and unwanted opinions. She has proven she's unsupportive and untrustworthy."
"See what I did there? Turn it right back around on her. Everything she accuses you of, make it her sin instead." ~ CPSue
"NTA. She was warned. What good did she think these comments were doing? Good for you for standing up for your wife." ~ lihzee
"NTA. You set a boundary and she couldn't respect that. If she can't respect that, there's consequences to your actions. And good on OP for standing up for your wife!" ~ HawaiiHarley17
"NTA. Your mother sounds like a ray of sunshine. She sounds like on Seinfeld, when George Costanza volunteered to visit senior citizens and he badgers the guy in his mid-80s as to why he's not worried he could die any minute since the average lifespan is 72. I'm glad you protected your wife from that negativity." ~ TemptingPenguin369
"NTA. Is your mom truly that oblivious to how insensitive she's being? It almost sounds like malice. Tell her a good Christian should welcome and love any child born to your family, not just her version of 'perfect' ones!" ~ TrainerHonest2695
"'I am sorry my mother is SO selfish and tone deaf that she felt it was alright to repeatedly bully my pregnant wife in my own home'."
"There's your apology. Or text her, 'No apologies, bye for now' and then block her number." ~ 2dogslife
While she may be his mother, the OP has a pregnant wife and child to consider.
Since his mother is the problem, it seems like removing her was exactly the right thing to do.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp