Dad Upset After Adult Son Refuses To Help Pay His Medical Bills Due To Harsh Treatment As Teen

Parents can become estranged from their children for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes the parent cuts off contact, but more often it's the child who walks—or runs— away from the relationship.

Reconciliation really depends on the person who left the relationship and can't be forced.

A mother estranged from her son turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

The mother asked:

"AITA for telling my husband to stop asking our son for money, even though he regrets how we treated him in the past?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"Our son (24, male) has always had a complicated relationship with us, but he's very close to his aunts—my husband's younger sisters. When he was a teenager, he got into serious trouble for bullying another kid at school."

"My husband and I didn't know how to handle it, so we decided to punish him by not getting him anything for his 16th and 17th birthdays. We thought we were teaching him a lesson, but looking back, we realize it only drove him further away."

"After that, our son became more distant, and I still remember when he coldly told us we would regret how we treated him. We didn't take him seriously at the time, but now it's clear that his words weren't just a teenage outburst."

"Now, at 24, our son is financially successful, but has cut us off entirely. When my husband had a medical emergency recently, we were struggling with the bills and reached out to him for help."

"He flatly refused, telling us to 'f*ck off'. This crushed my husband, who deeply regrets the way we handled things back then and wishes he could go back and make it right."

"Our son has a peculiar tendency to spoil all the women he considers family. He made amends with the girl he bullied in high school, and they're now good friends."

"He also lavishes attention and financial support on my husband's younger sisters—his aunts. They told us that he said he doesn't care who they help, even if it's us, but despite this, they're still hesitant to get involved."

"They've only helped us out a couple of times and are clearly reluctant to do more, likely because they don't want to jeopardize their close relationship with him."

"My husband is heartbroken. He's trying to reconnect with our son, but whenever he reaches out for help or mends things, he's met with anger or silence."

"I finally told my husband to stop asking our son for money. I feel like every time we ask, we push him further away, and I'm terrified that we'll never have a chance to repair our relationship if we keep this up."

"My husband is upset with me now, feeling like I'm giving up on our son. He's filled with regret and sadness over how things have turned out, but I just don't know what else to do."

"AITA?"

The OP summed up their situation.

"Told my husband to stop asking for money because it pushes our son further away and my husband thinks I'm being a a**hole."

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA) overall, but not for telling her husband to back off (NTA).

"You're not the AH for telling your husband to stop asking your kid, who has deliberately cut you off, for money. You were both AHs for asking at all."

"If you want to repair the relationship, then you have to realize that reconciliation is never going to be on your terms, it's on your son's terms."

"And it also sounds like you've not yet extended a real and genuine olive branch for him to feel like you two have changed." ~ coastalkid92

"YTA. Not for telling your husband to stop asking your son for money, but because this entire post is about you getting money to the point you're even whining a little bit that the family members he does help out financially aren't giving you more money."

"You don't regret whatever it is you did to your son to make him hate you this much, you regret that you don't have access to his cash."

"Also, you guys 'always' had a 'complicated' relationship with your son, but you attribute all your problems with him to the point he cut you both out of his life to not getting him anything for his birthday for 2 years."

"Whatever he was referring to about how you guys treated him was not about a lack of birthday presents." ~ SupermarketNeat4033

"The way in which you have to be so consistently godawful to your child to get them to cut off all contact with you but remain in a positive, full relationship with your siblings-in-law is WILD."

"OP, you have been terrible to your child, and you know you have been, or you would have been forthcoming with all the behaviors that really got him to cut you off. I am certain you deserve to watch your family members benefit greatly while you get nothing."

"Leave this man alone and suffer in silence. YTA." ~ blacbird

"NTA for telling your husband to stop, but overall YTA for leaving out the real reasons as to why he's gone no contact. Birthday presents for two years just don't add up."

"The math don't work here. Y'all did more and you don't want to admit it, acknowledge it, or take responsibility for whatever it was."

"On top of that, neither of you reached out to apologize and take responsibility, instead you asked for money. WTF? No, that's not how it works."

"You don't ask someone who cut contact with you for money. So yeah, you're not wrong for stopping your husband's bullsh*t, but both of you are a**holes for not being accountable for what you really did to your son." ~ WanderingGnostic

"YTA—it doesnt sound like either of you actually have tried to make amends with your son."

"Where are the heartfelt apologies? Where is the acknowledgment of how you failed him?"

"This just sounds like you and your husband feel entitled to your son's money and are sad about missing out on that." ~ OrangeCubit

"Is your husband looking to mend fences or get money? It seems the two are co-mingled here."

"You and your husband have had 7 years to make amends about the way things went down. When did the trying to make amends begin? How?"

"Your son is an adult and he gets to decide who he uses his 'peculiar tendency' on. He chooses to lavish money on those that he wants to."

"Why would your husband think he could get money from someone he hasn't had a good relationship with?"

"YTA for expecting son to donate money to people he isn't in a good relationship with." ~ Chilling_Storm

"YTA. Clearly your son is able to have financial success in life, to have warm and loving relationships with his relatives, to generously share money with his older relatives, and to even make reparations for his past bullying of a fellow young person."

"So there's nothing wrong with HIS character. How did you completely lose the love of this competent, kind-hearted, and ethical young man?" ~ mindful-bed-slug

"I don't know, even the way you phrase things has me inclining toward your son's perspective.

"'Our son has always had a complicated relationship with us' puts all of the responsibility on him for the nature of the relationship. How about 'we have a complicated relationship with our son'?"

"How about 'Our son and we have a complicated relationship'? You also say he has a 'peculiar tendency' that a lot of people would consider a beautiful, loving tendency."

"I don't know, I already feel the parental judgment coming off of your post in waves."

"Did you ever try talking to him at the time of the bullying? Asking him what was going on, why was he doing that, is everything OK, had people been bullying him, does he feel bullied in the household, maybe he was taking out his frustrations on other people?"

"You punished him for two years. Are you big 'lesson teachers' with punishments, and is it because you couldn't teach lessons the proper way, by verbalizing them?"

"I don't know, there is soooo much detail missing. I won't even get into you asking him for money. But from what you've written, yes, I suspect YTA." ~ Sputnik918

"YTA because this is a disingenuous post. I think there is no real attempt at reconciliation here—your husband wants to benefit from how your son has lifted himself from the experiences he had with you."

"Your story tries to paint your husband in a light that suggests reconciliation, but it's all centered around money—he needs help, his sisters don't want to share the money they get from your son, your son spoils the women he considers family.

"This reeks of jealousy and envy, not actually seeking reconciliation." ~ giantbrownguy

"Only thing I'm getting from this is you need money, and he has money, but you both were absolutely sh*t parents, and now you're at the find-out stage. Good for the young man. YTA." ~ Pazylothead

This relationship doesn't appear ready for reconciliation.

And trying to force the issue isn't working at all—especially when the first contact after several years is a request for money.