Parents can become estranged from their children for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes the parent cuts off contact, but more often it's the child who walks—or runs— away from the relationship.
Reconciliation really depends on the person who left the relationship and can't be forced.
A mother estranged from her son turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
The mother asked:
"AITA for telling my husband to stop asking our son for money, even though he regrets how we treated him in the past?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Our son (24, male) has always had a complicated relationship with us, but he's very close to his aunts—my husband's younger sisters. When he was a teenager, he got into serious trouble for bullying another kid at school."
"My husband and I didn't know how to handle it, so we decided to punish him by not getting him anything for his 16th and 17th birthdays. We thought we were teaching him a lesson, but looking back, we realize it only drove him further away."
"After that, our son became more distant, and I still remember when he coldly told us we would regret how we treated him. We didn't take him seriously at the time, but now it's clear that his words weren't just a teenage outburst."
"Now, at 24, our son is financially successful, but has cut us off entirely. When my husband had a medical emergency recently, we were struggling with the bills and reached out to him for help."
"He flatly refused, telling us to 'f*ck off'. This crushed my husband, who deeply regrets the way we handled things back then and wishes he could go back and make it right."
"Our son has a peculiar tendency to spoil all the women he considers family. He made amends with the girl he bullied in high school, and they're now good friends."
"He also lavishes attention and financial support on my husband's younger sisters—his aunts. They told us that he said he doesn't care who they help, even if it's us, but despite this, they're still hesitant to get involved."
"They've only helped us out a couple of times and are clearly reluctant to do more, likely because they don't want to jeopardize their close relationship with him."
"My husband is heartbroken. He's trying to reconnect with our son, but whenever he reaches out for help or mends things, he's met with anger or silence."
"I finally told my husband to stop asking our son for money. I feel like every time we ask, we push him further away, and I'm terrified that we'll never have a chance to repair our relationship if we keep this up."
"My husband is upset with me now, feeling like I'm giving up on our son. He's filled with regret and sadness over how things have turned out, but I just don't know what else to do."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"Told my husband to stop asking for money because it pushes our son further away and my husband thinks I'm being a a**hole."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA) overall, but not for telling her husband to back off (NTA).
"You're not the AH for telling your husband to stop asking your kid, who has deliberately cut you off, for money. You were both AHs for asking at all."
"If you want to repair the relationship, then you have to realize that reconciliation is never going to be on your terms, it's on your son's terms."
"And it also sounds like you've not yet extended a real and genuine olive branch for him to feel like you two have changed." ~ coastalkid92
"YTA. Not for telling your husband to stop asking your son for money, but because this entire post is about you getting money to the point you're even whining a little bit that the family members he does help out financially aren't giving you more money."
"You don't regret whatever it is you did to your son to make him hate you this much, you regret that you don't have access to his cash."
"Also, you guys 'always' had a 'complicated' relationship with your son, but you attribute all your problems with him to the point he cut you both out of his life to not getting him anything for his birthday for 2 years."
"Whatever he was referring to about how you guys treated him was not about a lack of birthday presents." ~ SupermarketNeat4033
"The way in which you have to be so consistently godawful to your child to get them to cut off all contact with you but remain in a positive, full relationship with your siblings-in-law is WILD."
"OP, you have been terrible to your child, and you know you have been, or you would have been forthcoming with all the behaviors that really got him to cut you off. I am certain you deserve to watch your family members benefit greatly while you get nothing."
"Leave this man alone and suffer in silence. YTA." ~ blacbird
"NTA for telling your husband to stop, but overall YTA for leaving out the real reasons as to why he's gone no contact. Birthday presents for two years just don't add up."
"The math don't work here. Y'all did more and you don't want to admit it, acknowledge it, or take responsibility for whatever it was."
"On top of that, neither of you reached out to apologize and take responsibility, instead you asked for money. WTF? No, that's not how it works."
"You don't ask someone who cut contact with you for money. So yeah, you're not wrong for stopping your husband's bullsh*t, but both of you are a**holes for not being accountable for what you really did to your son." ~ WanderingGnostic
"YTA—it doesnt sound like either of you actually have tried to make amends with your son."
"Where are the heartfelt apologies? Where is the acknowledgment of how you failed him?"
"This just sounds like you and your husband feel entitled to your son's money and are sad about missing out on that." ~ OrangeCubit
"Is your husband looking to mend fences or get money? It seems the two are co-mingled here."
"You and your husband have had 7 years to make amends about the way things went down. When did the trying to make amends begin? How?"
"Your son is an adult and he gets to decide who he uses his 'peculiar tendency' on. He chooses to lavish money on those that he wants to."
"Why would your husband think he could get money from someone he hasn't had a good relationship with?"
"YTA for expecting son to donate money to people he isn't in a good relationship with." ~ Chilling_Storm
"YTA. Clearly your son is able to have financial success in life, to have warm and loving relationships with his relatives, to generously share money with his older relatives, and to even make reparations for his past bullying of a fellow young person."
"So there's nothing wrong with HIS character. How did you completely lose the love of this competent, kind-hearted, and ethical young man?" ~ mindful-bed-slug
"I don't know, even the way you phrase things has me inclining toward your son's perspective.
"'Our son has always had a complicated relationship with us' puts all of the responsibility on him for the nature of the relationship. How about 'we have a complicated relationship with our son'?"
"How about 'Our son and we have a complicated relationship'? You also say he has a 'peculiar tendency' that a lot of people would consider a beautiful, loving tendency."
"I don't know, I already feel the parental judgment coming off of your post in waves."
"Did you ever try talking to him at the time of the bullying? Asking him what was going on, why was he doing that, is everything OK, had people been bullying him, does he feel bullied in the household, maybe he was taking out his frustrations on other people?"
"You punished him for two years. Are you big 'lesson teachers' with punishments, and is it because you couldn't teach lessons the proper way, by verbalizing them?"
"I don't know, there is soooo much detail missing. I won't even get into you asking him for money. But from what you've written, yes, I suspect YTA." ~ Sputnik918
"YTA because this is a disingenuous post. I think there is no real attempt at reconciliation here—your husband wants to benefit from how your son has lifted himself from the experiences he had with you."
"Your story tries to paint your husband in a light that suggests reconciliation, but it's all centered around money—he needs help, his sisters don't want to share the money they get from your son, your son spoils the women he considers family.
"This reeks of jealousy and envy, not actually seeking reconciliation." ~ giantbrownguy
"Only thing I'm getting from this is you need money, and he has money, but you both were absolutely sh*t parents, and now you're at the find-out stage. Good for the young man. YTA." ~ Pazylothead
This relationship doesn't appear ready for reconciliation.
And trying to force the issue isn't working at all—especially when the first contact after several years is a request for money.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp