America has an aging population problem, although it's not facing a situation as dire as the one faced by several East Asian nations.
Baby Boomers weren't replaced in equal numbers due to falling birth rates, creating a set of challenges: shifting disease burden, increased needs for healthcare and long-term care, worker shortages, and potential shortages in social safety nets.
How families address the needs of aging parents is a conundrum many are facing. A man dealing with the issue turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Otakunappy asked:
"AITA for refusing to uproot my life and move back in with my parents?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (31, male) moved out of my parents home when I was 19 years-old. I have lived on my own and with different roommates for the past 12-ish years."
"I live alone in a tiny one room apartment right now. It's not much, but it's a roof."
"My current problem is that my parents want me to move back home. They need my 'help' both financially—I've already been sending them money whenever I can—and to help take care of them."
"They had me late in the game, they are both in their early 70's. I have four older siblings, but I'm the only one of us five that doesn't have kids."
"They expect me to drop my life and move two states away so that I can move back in with them. On my own dime too."
"I told them no, that I wouldn't do it. Both my parents are only children. My grandparents on both sides died when I was a kid. Barely remember them."
"So they didn't have any elders to care for. I also don't have the best relationship with my mother."
"While my father is basically a teddy bear, my mother spent most of my life telling me how much I ruined her plans."
"How I wasn't supposed to happen. Took a fit every time she had to spend money on me while at the same time never shying away from dropping $20's and $50's in the communion basket during church."
"Screaming at me for being too small to fit in my older brother's hand me downs when he was always tall for his age, while I've always been short."
"I told them no. My father seems to understand, but my mother's gone on a rampage."
"I've been getting calls from people in my old neighborhood that I haven't seen in years talking down to me about my decision. My siblings have also been badgering me about it."
"My siblings are spread out all over the states. I'm two states away from my parents and I'm still the closest. Best 'meet up' I could do with my siblings is a group Vid call."
"So Reddit, AITA for not wanting to uproot my life and move two states away on my own dime, just to move back in with my parents?"
The OP added:
"Mom had a plan when she married my dad. She wanted one daughter and one son. A perfect family."
"She first had my eldest sister, then tried again and got a set of twin girls. Then tried again and got my older brother."
"She finally had the family she wanted. Then she had me and made it well known she didn't want me."
"But because she doesn't believe in abortion, she 'kept' me. All my life she complained about my existence."
"I even had to use my allowance—given to me by my dad—to pay for certain stuff I needed. My dad never showed a sign that he wasn't happy I was born."
"He's a champ. If I had room for him and thought he'd come, I'd move him in with me."
"As far as I know, my siblings are not sending them any money. They all have 'responsibilities' and can't afford it."
"I don't send them money all the time. But I do when I can."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I could be the a**hole for not even considerations it. I flat out told them no."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Your mom is a narcissist and you are the scapegoat—cut all ties. It will be the only way you will know peace."
"And stop sending them money! Your siblings can help them since they seem to care so much. NTA." ~ ereighna
"Stop sending your parents money. You could have your own place with that money—I bet you send more than you think.
"You friends are where you are. You have a life there. Hell no. NTA."
"Go low contact with the lot of them until they stop. Give no more reasons, they know them already."
"No is a complete sentance. Grey rock them... look it up... works wonders with people badgering you."
"And if someone starts shouting, hang up. You don't need to take abuse. Good luck." ~ WeirdPinkHair
"NTA. Personally, if that's how I was treated growing up, I would be no contact with my mother. I would block her on everything."
"If my siblings wanted to put blame on me, I'd tell them it's easy to give responsibility away instead of taking any so you don't look bad for not giving a sh*t about helping your parents—financially or otherwise."
"And to everybody else, they can shove it. Very far. They don't even matter."
"If they're so concerned, they can go help the parents themselves. Bet a million not one does." ~ cotpowanpiitm
"NTA—you don't owe your parents anything. I say that as a father who used to feel obligated to my parents, but now that I have kids I realize they owe me nothing."
"If my kids don't owe me anything, I don't owe my parents anything. You don't either." ~ disloyal_royal
"NTA. Your parents are in their 70s. Why have they not made provision for their old age?"
"It's not a secret that you're going to get old one day and not be working or earning. Good on you if you are helping out."
"As for siblings putting pressure on? Being single doesn't mean that you have more responsibility for your parents than them."
"Suggest to them that if they feel your parents need someone there full time that you all share that and offer to set up a roster that includes everyone. No matter how far away they live."
"I found that this made our family back off. They are the whole families responsibility not just yours." ~ Ok-Dragonfruit1115
"'Hey Ma, remember all those times you made a big deal about me being the unwanted kid? Well accept my "Oh hell no!" as a consequence for your actions. Go ask one of your wanted kids for help'."
"'And since you think uprooting your life is so easy, might I recommend downsizing to gain control of your finances'."
"Too evil? Maybe a simple 'nah, that doesn't work for me' is better. However you choose to deliver the message, you are NTA. Stay put and live your best childfree life."
"Oh, and block all your mother's flying monkey neighbors. Or text back plans for building birdhouses cause those people clearly need hobbies." ~ sweetT333
"NTA. Live your own life."
"Tell each sibling who's badgering you, 'I'm pleased to hear you feel so strongly about this. Thanks for volunteering to move back to our parent's place. I'll let them know about your interest'."
"I don't understand why you're sending your parents money, unless your siblings are also making matching donations." ~ extinct_diplodocus
"The way your mother is behaving right now—that in itself is a strong reason to not move back."
"They are taking your willingness to help them financially as your weakness. Time to cut the umbilical cord."
"I would suggest to hold on to any amount you feel like sending them in a separate savings account for a 'rainy day'."
"With advancing age, many issues that can come require funds and you may be thankful that you have those in hand for a situation where money is really needed. NTA overall." ~ Spiritual-Bridge3027
"My grandmother was the youngest. Her parents told her they expected her to stay single, never move out, and work to support them."
"She said no thanks and married my grampa instead. My great grandmother then went and got a job again."
"They could support themselves. They just wanted grandma to do it instead. OP is NTA." ~ notwhatwehave
"Sounds like the parents have their own home. Why can't they sell it now and use that money to move into an assisted living facility?"
"NTA OP, and please don't let them guilt you into helping them." ~ MaggieMae05
"First rule: If those people are close enough to your mother to be her flying monkeys, they are close enough to help her instead of you."
"Second rule: just say it's not possible, you live too far away and can't move. And don't feel like you have explain yourself more."
"Because engaging in this conversation gives the false impression you can be talked to change your mind. That can be the third rule." ~ NeTiFe-anonymous
The OP may be getting pushback from others, but Reddit supports his decision to live his own life.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp