People have widely varying tastes when it comes to food.
Some things are regional or cultural, but some are just individual preferences.
A man turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after getting caught sneaking spices into his aunt's cooking.
Minecraftdudeofstuff asked:
"AITA for having and using emergency spices at dinner?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (28, male) was raised by my parents to always smile and stomach it when I'm a guest in someone's house and they serve food that I didn't enjoy. I've carried this into adulthood because I think it's just polite."
"If I really don't like a meal I'm served, I'll just eat a little bit of it and maybe grab food on the way home. But recently I was in a store and found little tiny bottles of the spice Tajín, which I love."
"They were 50 cents, so I got like 12 of them, and now when I have a bad meal, I just wait for attention to be away from me and pop a dose of Tajín in, and that masks whatever flavor I don't like."
"Recently, I was at a family gathering, and my aunt served this weird concoction of chicken sausage, peppers, and onions in a cream sauce on plain white rice. It tasted both bland and weird."
"So when attention was away, I dosed it with the Tajín. But my food had bits in it and looked red, so my family noticed, and I had to come clean and explain."
"I do taste the food before I add the Tajín. Admittedly, I didn't have high hopes for this meal, but I did try it before I spiced it."
"My aunt was very offended and asked if I just hated her cooking. I said no. She has made great food. I just didn't like this meal."
"She asked why I didn't say anything, and I told her I was raised to just smile and bear it when I had a meal I didn't enjoy as a guest, the Tajín was just my way of helping me do that."
"This made her more upset and started an argument with my parents. So now the whole family is annoyed with me."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"The action I took was secretly using Tajín to stomach a bad meal I was served as a guest, and also maybe throwing my parents under the bus trying to explain myself. And that might make me the a**hole because I was trying to alter the meal in secret, and that started a family argument."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"How hard is it to just take out your Tajín in front of everyone and add it to your food? If someone asks what you're doing, just tell them you really like the taste of it, and you carry it with you to add to your food, just like people who put salt and pepper or hot sauce on the table for every meal."
"Culinary alteration accomplished, and you didn't have to insult anyone or throw anyone under the bus."
"Instead, you decided to be sneaky, rude, and unaccountable. It was completely unnecessary to insult your aunt's cooking or to implicate your parents as the reason you're rude and sneaky. YTA." ~ MohawMais
"Not an a**hole for adding seasoning, but YTA for how you explained this. I can't think of a worse way to phrase it than what boils down to 'if I have to bear eating your food without complaining I need to add spices'."
"Seriously, how hard is it to just say 'I really like spicy food so I bring this everywhere so nobody feels obligated to make food spicier for my sake'?" ~ agreywood
"I agree, the explanation was really rude! To whatever extent OP was trying to be polite by eating the food he was served, he completely undid that by saying that adding Tajín was the only way he could even pretend to like it."
"Granted, it probably was better that way, Tajín is magical. But learn to have some tact, dude!" ~ EmilyAnne1170
"I personally feel that adding things like salt, pepper, red pepper flakes, hot sauce, etc is fine as long as you are polite, so I suppose I can extend that concept to Tajín for the sake of this post."
"But I'm going to vote YTA because of what you said, not what you did. 'I told her I was raised to just smile and bear it when I had a meal I didn't enjoy as a guest'. That was rude."
"You could have said, 'I just love spicy food and I found these cute mini packs at the store. It's like powered hot sauce, do you want to try one?' or really any variation on that that implies you enjoy her meal, you've just got a thing for heat, as many people do."
"Instead, you told her that you hate her cooking so much that you have to bear it. That's f*cking rude and clearly not in line with how you were raised and the values you proclaim to have, even if her cooking is a**." ~ Maleficent_Web_6034
"Okay, I was leaning toward a soft NAH, but your proposed alternate response hit the nail squarely on the head. OP really could have prevaricated a bit and saved the drama, so YTA. I plan on keeping this in mind the next time I run into a similar situation."
"The social awkwardness I most frequently run into is that I'm almost fatally allergic to anything that comes out of the water, so I need to be extra careful when a host serves seafood. A couple were incredibly insulted that I put not wanting to go to the ER ahead of eating what they prepared (even though they've known about my allergy for years)." ~ BunnySlayer64
"YTA. My brother-in-law puts (in my opinion) insanely ridiculous amounts of (a variety) of hot sauce on almost every single dish I've ever seen him eat. In no way am I offended when he douses the sauce & dried pepper flakes on his plate because he's never outright said: 'Man, this is bland, I need to spice it up' rather he's always stated he just really enjoys the 'heat'." ~ AndStillShePersisted
"Not an a**hole for carrying the Tajín, soft YTA for how you framed it. 'Emergency spices' implies the food was so bad you needed rescuing."
"If you'd just said, 'Oh, I put Tajín on everything, I'm kind of addicted,' nobody would have blinked. People add hot sauce and ketchup to stuff all the time, and nobody calls it an emergency as they're doing it. Because that's rude." ~ Ordinary-Conflict401
"100% this. My dad used to carry around miniature bottles or sachets of hot sauce, and sometimes foil with fresh peppers in them in his pockets, literally at all times, because he just enjoyed his meals more with those things added. He was always prepared." ~ CatsDontHaveNames
"YTA. You dump spice on her food and then tell her it's the only way you can eat it (excuse me, 'bear it') and you're surprised she gets hostile?" ~ Teamtunafish
"They're mad because of what you said, not because you brought your own spices. You didn't have to tell her you didn't like her food. Just tell people you really love Tajín and put it on everything and no one will care. YTA." ~ Srawsome
"YTA for how you replied after you were caught. Just say that you have a slight addiction to dousing everything with Tajín at the moment, not that you were taught by your parents, who were sitting right there, to 'grin & bear it' while eating your aunt's food." ~ HighlyCaffein8edSoul
"My sister and I brought bottles of hot sauce to every event on my mom's side because most of the food was so bland. But we didn't sneak it, we just said 'I like food spicy' if anyone asked. Just don't make it a big deal, and most people won't care. YTA." ~ apprehensive814
"I don't necessarily think it's rude that you added extra seasoning to the food but framing it as if the food would've been unbearable otherwise is rude. YTA."
"Also, when it comes to having been raised to 'smile and stomach' foods you didn't enjoy as a kid, I kinda get it. Unless the food is genuinely inedible or so repulsive you can't bear it, then why not just eat the meal, even if it's not your favorite?"
"Not everything in life is gonna be exactly your way, especially if you're at someone else's house. As long as the meal is edible and non repulsive, then, ya, just smile and stomach it." ~ Altruistic-Zone2000
The OP later acknowledged where they swerved into a**hole territory.
"The case against me seems to be that 1. I did it in secret instead of openly, and 2. That when I was caught, I insulted her cooking by saying I had to 'grin and bear it'."
"Which are fair criticisms. The insult being a bigger issue I would say."
There were better ways OP could have handled this, which wouldn't have offended most people.
A little diplomacy can go a long way.
Same with Tajín!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp