Sometimes staying friendly with an ex-lover isn’t the best of ideas.
There can be so many unforeseen complications.
One of the bigger complications being… new lovers.
Not all new lovers want to make nice.
Redditor littlconfusedcarp wanted to discuss her experience and get feedback, so she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling someone to stop making their insecurities my problem?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Some background: I (29 F[emale]) used to know Tom (30 M[ale]) years ago.”
“We were acquaintances as teenagers, and though we briefly dated at 16, it wasn’t serious, and we stayed on neutral terms whenever we ran into each other.”
“A few years later, when we were in our early twenties, I bumped into him at a nightclub, and he introduced me to his then-girlfriend, Alex.”
“From the moment we met, Alex was noticeably cold toward me, she barely spoke, made passive-aggressive comments about my appearance, and created an uncomfortable tension.”
“Sensing the awkwardness, I made my exit.”
“Tom later messaged me to apologize for how she acted, but I brushed it off.”
“I didn’t think much of it, as we weren’t close anyway.”
“Since then, I’ve occasionally run into them at different social events, and Alex’s attitude toward me has never changed.”
“She has made snide remarks in passing, whispered about me to others while I was nearby, and has generally gone out of her way to be hostile anytime we’re in the same space.”
“I’ve always ignored it because, as far as I was concerned, whatever problem she had with me wasn’t my issue.”
“Now to last weekend, I was out with some friends when I saw Alex and Tom at the same venue.”
“Tom came over to say hello and make small talk, and almost immediately, Alex stormed over.”
“Without even greeting me, she shoved her ring in my face and made a pointed comment about how I ‘definitely couldn’t have him now.’”
“I laughed and told her I never wanted him in the first place, but I was happy for them.”
“That only made things worse.”
“She started raising her voice, accusing me of trying to get attention for years, making assumptions about me, and throwing out personal insults.”
“When she finally finished, I asked if she was done and told her that I had never done any of the things she was accusing me of.”
“I also made it clear that I didn’t care about her or Tom and, most importantly, that she needed to stop making her personal insecurities my problem.”
“She looked like she was about to respond, so I added that she also needed to stop being jealous of me because there was no reason for it.”
“At that point, she excused herself and left the room, with Tom following after her.”
“Before he left, he told me I didn’t need to say all that.”
“My friends thought my response was blunt but justified, while some mutuals later told me I was too harsh and should have been more understanding because she’s obviously insecure.”
“Now, I’m wondering was I too harsh?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Alex stormed over. Without even greeting me, she shoved her ring in my face and made a pointed comment.”
“NTA – She was unnecessarily aggressive and plain f**king rude about it all for there to be any issue with calling her bulls**t out in the way you did.”
“And like you say her insecurities aren’t your problem.” ~ ReviewOk929
“NTA and Tom isn’t your friend.”
“He’s absolutely been stirring the pot and making you out to be some supposed competition.”
“Whatever her issue is, it’s between the two of them to figure out.” ~ scoraiocht
“Exactly! She was being super rude, so you weren’t too harsh.”
“Her issues are on her, not you.” ~ StatusAd5451
“I would have smugly replied an engagement ring never stopped anyone from cheating, looking at your insecurities it’s only a matter of time.”
“And then just kick back and enjoy the fireworks.” ~ 3dgemaster
“I tell my 5-year-old, don’t start something, but you have the right to defend yourself.”
“She started an issue that apparently has been ongoing for quite some time.”
“You handled yourself with clas,s in my opinion.”
“I think you were clear, direct, and honest with her.”
“She wanted to continue the issue and have an argument, and you shut that down.”
“Tom and Alex have a ‘them’ problem.”
“I’d stay away from both of them because I detest drama (I’m an attorney so I argue for a living, I don’t want to argue in my downtime. lol).”
“You’re NTA.”
“You weren’t overly harsh.”
“You just called a spade a spade.” ~ Efficient_Coconut476
“NTA, but you know he’s told her some lies about you right?”
“Probably that the relationship was more serious than what it was or that you still actively want him back or both.”
“She’s insecure, and her behavior is unjustified, but I don’t think she’s doing this unprompted.”
“Not your issue either way, but I don’t trust Tom.” ~ fancyandfab
“NTA, RE this side discussion, who really knows where this jealousy springs from, dude or fiancée?”
“Only they really know.”
“And really. WHO CARES?”
“It sounds like neither means much to OP.”
“She doesn’t need to go out of her way to either see them or avoid them, she can just go about her life and let them work out whatever issue they have.” ~ These-Target-6313
“Wait. So it’s okay for her to be harsh and embarrass you in public, but it’s not okay for you to shut her down and defend yourself?”
“Who are these ‘friends’ who don’t have your back?”
“Personally, I’d be giving the side eye to someone who wouldn’t defend me when I’ve been attacked.”
“Alex’s insecurities are her issue and it’s her responsibility to manage them without taking it out on other people.”
“Under no circumstances should anyone else be made responsible for treating her like glass when she’s clearly not bothering to help herself.”
“She’s not a fragile little flower, she’s an adult and deserves to receive consequences for her actions.”
“You did nothing wrong.”
“You didn’t instigate this encounter, but you effectively shut it down.”
“Good for you. NTA.” ~ CPSue
“Especially when this has been going on for years.”
“And OP isn’t in contact with Tom at any other point, just when they happen to coincidentally run into each other.”
“On this occasion, it was Tom who initiated the contact by coming over to OP.”
“Tom should have shut this down years ago.”
“The gall of him to blame OP for what happened!” ~ regus0307
“NTA. As soon as she talks behind your back, she loses the right to ask for empathy for her insecurities.”
“This is not a case of her being overwhelmed and having a little crying jag.”
“This is the result of her ACTIVELY picking at you in public mutual spaces about something that you have no part in.”
“This woman has actively been an A-hole for years to you.”
“She deserves much more than she got.”
“Tom bears a ton of responsibility here, too, because if she’s still insecure about you based on a teenage relationship and some shared social circles, the issues stem partially from him.”
“Why on earth would she be obsessed with you and not anyone else from Tom’s life?”
“Because Tom has either mentioned you in ways that bother her or has not bothered to allay her insecurities when they come up.”
“You are absolutely in the right here.”
“Anyone who tries to tell you differently needs to be able to prove that they have been countering HER when she badmouths you behind your back.” ~ rockology_adam
“It’s so weird!”
“I remember meeting my ex-husband’s high school girlfriend.”
“he was nervous we would clash, and we hit it off like a house on fire and did a few couple’s dates until her husband admitted he felt weird about it.”
“I loved her- my ex has a type, so we had a lot in common, plus they hadn’t seen each other in over ten years- who cares what they did in high school? NTA.” ~ almaperdida99
“NTA. However, you are missing a major target.”
“You should NOT trust Tom, though.”
“He has seriously misunderstood your previous relationship and is using this mythical relationship to manipulate Alex.”
“There’s no way she came up with this on her own.”
“Unless you are completely clueless and somehow missed that Tom was your real true loovvveee!”
“Doubt it. But it is something to consider.” ~ Ravenmn
“NTA She did that to herself, and if other people feel you should have been nicer, then they should have handled it previously by telling her to stop being delusional.” ~ KrofftSurvivor
“NTA- I bet you anything Tom has a crush on you and bragged to her that you always flirt with HIM as a way to set a tone with her.”
“His reaction to the way she treated you?”
“Nawwww he started this thing with her, got her all hyped up for no reason.” ~ One_Yak8698
“NTA- I feel bad for Alex and Tom because neither of them have been able to move past a casual high school relationship that’s been over for 13 YEARS! Like damn.”
“That’s just sad and pathetic.”
“But also, not your problem.”
“You shut her down after dealing with her hostility for a while now.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.” ~ Oliveforthis
“NTA. Why does this years-old ex and before being an ex, barely an acquaintance, feel the need to approach you when you guys are in the same place?”
“I’d have questions on if he is facilitating these outbursts by feeding false information behind the scenes.”
“I would never even think to bother an old ex during a night out with my fiancé.” ~ Swimming_Olive_7021
“NTA. If anything you were too diplomatic.”
“It could be that had you not been brushing it off for all that time and just delivered some reality check a while ago, it wouldn’t have ended up with such a major showdown.”
“She had it coming.” ~ LycheeFabulous6204
“Tom’s just mad that now he has to clean up the mess Alex made.”
“You called her out and made it clear to her that you weren’t buying into her bulls**t, which is what anyone should do in that situation.”
“Someone being insecure doesn’t mean they get free reign to act this way. NTA.” ~ saltedfish
“NTA. You were nice.”
“She’s been making her insecurities your problem for years.”
“She needs to keep it to herself and go to therapy, nobody but her cares.” ~ dembowthennow
“Why should you have to be understanding to her?”
“Her feelings are not your problem!!!!!”
“Everyone in this world is solely responsible for their OWN feelings! “
“NTA. I applaud you!”
“He should have said it to her!” ~ QL58
“NTA but I think the root of the problem is Tom.”
“He has probably made comments to her about how great you are, possibly to make her insecure.”
“I have known guys who have done this to women as a way of cutting them down.”
“If he loves her, he should be lifting her up, not tearing her down.” ~ kittendollie13
“NTA. She was downright rude and aggressive towards you from day 1.”
“I’m not sure if your ex told her things, if she has behaved with other exes, if it was a combination of both, or what, but she was clearly out of order.”
“It was blunt, justified, and a cold dose of reality.”
“You called her out when she publicly was awful to you, and multiple times too.” ~ AVeryBrownGirlNerd
“NTA. She has to be incredibly insecure to be threatened by a teenage acquaintance.”
“Tom is 30 by now; I am sure there were some other dates or even girlfriends between OP at 16 and their early 20s.”
“Is Alex acting with every female acquaintance of his life like this?”
“There was a story on Reddit where a woman was so insecure, she had problems with any female in her fiancé’s life, including his younger sister, her future sister-in-law.”
“Alex seems to be in need of therapy.” ~ Wild_Set4223
“Alex was TA.”
“You spat facts and she couldn’t handle it. NTA.” ~ NightHeart21689
You were protecting yourself, OP.
Reddit is with you.
This woman has been flat-out harassing you, and your “friend” Tom has been useless.
You had every right to finally stand up for yourself.
Alex should be dealing with her own issues and not projecting onto others.
Good luck.