For all the joys becoming a parent brings, there are also few people more insecure than new parents.
As they constantly feel as if they're being judged by others for any decision they might make about their child.
Then too, they also tend to notice how their child responds around them compared to others.
Sometimes leading to a fair share of irrational jealousy.
Redditor Not-Babystealer123 was recently enjoying a family dinner, at which her brother, sister-in-law (SIL) and baby niece were all present.
Seeing that her niece was going through a bit of an episode, the original poster (OP) offered to help and play with her.
Only to find herself at odds with her SIL for doing so.
Wondering if she did anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for taking the attention/"love" of my SILS baby?"
The OP explained how her playing with her niece ended up causing drama within her family:
"I (17 F[emale]) have a brother (31 M[ale]) who is married (32 F[emale]).
"They have a daughter, my niece, who is two."
"Lately, my SIL has expressed to my brother and me that she feels really disconnected from my niece, saying she doesn't like to be hugged, talked to, or even looked at by SIL."
"I had a family dinner last night, where my niece was having a particularly big tantrum, but everyone was sort of ignoring it, trying to get their food and sit down."
"I saw SIL looked really overwhelmed, so I offered to play with and calm down my niece."
"She immediately just nodded and went to get food."
"I was more than happy to help."
"I managed to calm her down fairly quickly, and I saw SIL watching."
"This is where I might be TA."
"I said to niece, 'Look! It's mommy, isn't she so pretty?'"
"'Do you like playing with mommy too?'"
"My niece shook her head at this."
"SIL looked really upset by this, so I went into fix-it mode."
"I said 'why? Isn't mommy fun? I bet you and mommy have lots of fun, (nieces name)!'"
"To this she kept shaking her head and was now irritated again, so I dropped the conversation and went back to calming her down."
"Like half an hour later, she sort of knocked herself out on the couch after I gave her some food, and I finally got around to getting some food and sitting down."
"SIL seemed kinda upset, so I told her not to worry, and obviously niece doesn't mean it."
"To this she sort of got angry and told me I was taking the love that her daughter should have for her by playing with her, and I was rubbing it in her face when I asked, 'Isn't mommy fun?'"
"I told her this was not my intention at all, and I was so sorry, and I just wanted to help, but she still kept going off on me, so I sort of just let her talk, and I shut myself up."
"My dad walked in and heard and told SIL to chill out for a second, which pissed my brother off, and then everyone just started fighting."
"I took this as my sign to just go upstairs, and I told SIL we could pick up the convo another time because no matter the situatio,n I don't communicate through yelling at people, but I match energy, so if she's going to continue yelling and screaming it's best I just leave for right now."
"She just agreed and said I should 'f*ck off upstairs'."
"So I did exactly that."
"I have not spoken to her or brother since then and am wondering if maybe I should reach out and apologize or how I should go about this, so I wanna know opinions on if I'm sort of more leaning in the wrong or not."
"To clarify, my saying 'isn't mommy fun' was more like a rhetorical question where I more stated it to her than asked her."
"Sorry if that was confusing."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for playing with her niece.
Everyone agreed that not only did the OP do nothing wrong, but found the behavior of her SIL shockingly immature, with everyone urging the OP not to apologize to her SIL, as she was the one who was owed an apology:
"NTA."
"You have done nothing wrong."
"Children this age have favorites."
"My niece at age 2 wanted nearly nothing to do with her mum and only wanted dad."
"Not long later, mum could do no wrong, and dad was out of the picture."
"It's just how they develop."
"It can definitely be tough for the parents, and I'm sure your SIL isn't loving it, if she's the one currently out of favor."
"That said, she is the adult and the parent, and she needs to learn to manage her emotions."
"Her taking her frustration out on you isn't fair at all imo."
"She owes you an apology, not the other way round."
"It's a tough learning curve but she's got a lifetime ahead of being both the kid's favorite person ever and enemy number 1 with little in between."- sparkypants_
"Do. Not. Apologize."
"Young children are often like this."
"They sometimes prefer other family members short-term as their own parents need to balance fun with discipline, and they spend almost every day, all day, with them at this age."
"Your SiL will get frustrated at things and your niece will see that."
"You, on the other hand, tend not to get frustrated as you don't spend the same amount of time with your niece or have to do all the mundane things."
"NTA here."
"Though your SiL probably is overwhelmed and realizing that parenthood is no picnic and not the same as looking after a toddler for a short amount of time."
"She may even still be suffering a bit of PPD as that can linger for years."
"However, that's not your problem and that is also no excuse for her outburst towards you when you were trying to help."
"She owes you an apology."
"Keep being your happy bubbly fun aunt self when you spend time with your niece but, for your own sanity and your niece's, maybe don't mention mommy at all."- Uubilicious_The_Wise
"NTA, you're 17 and calmed the kid down."
"Two year olds are notoriously difficult."
"You kind of made a mistake but I attribute it to inexperience."
"Going forward, don't give the choice of an answer that no one wants to hear."
"If you give a two-year old an opportunity to say 'no', they will say no."
"Better to give a choice between two positive outcomes."
"'Do you want to sit next to me, or Grandma?'"- sbinjax
"NTA."
"You did nothing wrong."
"Mum is feeling overwhelmed and emotional."
"I'm not defending her actions, because she was out of line, but she was obviously struggling with the situation."
"I'd like to compliment you on your maturity."
"Your approach and responses are very impressive for someone your age."- AppleOfEve_
"NTA, you're a teenager who tried to help, the other adults ignored the situation and then your sister behaved like a bratty teenager."
"Do not apologize."
"I get it's frustrating when toddlers decide someone else is currently better than their parent but it's a very normal thing to happen."
"Your SIL is 32 and needs to learn how to regulate her emotions towards innocent and well-meaning teenagers."
"I really hope your dad threw SIL and brother out after this with a very clear message."
"They owe you an apology, not the other way round."- RiverSong_777
"If your SIL has been going through PND, then she probably isn't a lot of fun from a 2-year-old's perspective."
"As a grown adult, it is up to her to reflect on the response of her small child."
"Her child is speaking to her, but rather than listen, it's easier to blame you than do some essential self reflection."
"I would stay away for now, hope your SIL and brother are capable of self reflection."
"Perhaps, also speak to your parents and ask for their help."
"SIL's behavior towards you was unacceptable."
"As a parent, I would not tolerate a rant like thar against my young adult."
"NTA."- IrokoFineArt
"NTA."
"As a mum I was feeling for your SIL until she told you to 'f*ck off upstairs' when you were calmly communicating."
"I get that she's hurt, and as someone who has had PND I totally get how hard it is to feel rejected or not wanted by your child…BUT - to have a 2 year old, be 30 years old yourself, and not understand that 2 year olds just do not (also: cannot - yet) really give a shit about your feelings, is wild."
"Case in point: My 3 year old adores me, but I have never felt more bullied in my life than I do by her sometimes."
"She will tell me she loves me and then 30 seconds later be like 'damn, why your tummy so big?'"
"When I've just lost 20kg and am the smallest I've ever been."- prison_industrial_co
It's confusing to the point of sad that the OP's SIL felt that her willingness to try and make her niece happy could possibly be construed as "stealing her love".
Perhaps the fact that they haven't spoken is due to the OP's SIL's embarrassment.
Sadly, it's more likely that it's due to her shocking immaturity.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp