Teenagers are often taught that puberty is hard, because their body is changing.
But in reality, what's difficult is other people who refuse to accept that these are biological changes, rather than shameful ones, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor AITADE33434 was shocked when his wife began to criticize his daughter for depositing her used period products in the bathroom.
But when he discovered she was concerned about his stepson seeing them, the Original Poster (OP) needed more of an explanation for what she was thinking.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for losing it after my wife wanted my daughter to stop using the bathroom in the house?"
The OP was relieved that his daughter and stepson got along well.
"My wife and I have been together for 3 years."
"I have a daughter from my previous marriage. She's 14."
"I also have a stepson who tends to be rude at times but civil enough around adults. He's 16."
"He and his stepsister get along well. No arguing, no yelling, even better than most siblings I know, which is great, and it's quite a relief to see them loving and respecting each other."
The OP's kids usually didn't use the same bathroom.
"We have two bathrooms in the house. My daughter only uses the smaller one since it's always available, unlike the main bathroom that my stepson, my wife, and I often use."
"I've recently received some money and decided to renovate the small bathroom that my daughter uses since she complained about things needing to be fixed."
"I started the renovation two days ago while my daughter uses the main bathroom as an alternative."
The OP was surprised by his wife's concerns.
"There were no issues until my wife pulled me aside, saying my daughter's been leaving period products inside the bathroom, and it wasn't right because my stepson would see them."
"I asked my wife for more clarification, and it turns out my daughter gets rid of her used pads by putting them in the trashcan inside the bathroom. It has a lid and is a step-on trashcan that doesn't require hands."
"I told my wife there was nothing wrong with that, so what's the problem."
"She gave me a look, called me ignorant, and then dropped it."
But the OP's wife did not let the matter go.
"This morning she looked upset and told me my stepson went inside the bathroom after my daughter got out and probably saw her used pads in the bathroom."
"I asked if she meant the trashcan and it was confirmed."
"She then proceeded to tell me to ask my daughter to stop using the main bathroom, even though the small one is still in the process of being renovated."
"I absolutely lost my s**t and told her she was making a ridiculously unreasonable demand."
"I also told her it was my daughter's house too. Where is she supposed to go if she can't use both bathrooms?"
The couple could not come to an agreement.
"We started arguing back and forth until she said she'd talk to her, but I told her to stop it."
"She just kept giving me the cold shoulder for hours now, even though my stepson said nothing about this 'issue' as she claims it to be."
"My wife said she was trying to be a parent but I treat her as an outsider to my daughter."
"That's not true. I might've been harsh on her but in my opinion, she wasn't trying to parent; she was being unreasonable."
"I might be wrong I just don't see her point."
"AITA Here!?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the wife was creating more problems with her behavior.
"NTA. Don't let your wife be a parent to your daughter because she's a bad one, at least on this issue. There is nothing shameful about having periods, your daughter is disposing of the related products in a hygienic way, and that is literally all that matters."
"If your wife thinks her son somehow needs "protection" from the evidence that a normal bodily function exists, she has issues and should seek help for them." - the_last_basselope
"NTA, but you are focusing on the wrong thing in your argument. Instead of focusing on your daughter, you should be focusing on WHY her son can't be exposed to the fact that people in the world menstruate including your daughter."
"Does your wife need your help in explaining that people have periods to her son? That it's natural and a part of life and not a big deal. Is your wife so ashamed of her own cycle that she is projecting that onto the kids?"
"Figure all that stuff out, because it is not negotiable that your daughter can use the house restroom and dispose of her period products in the waste bin as that is it's purpose." - MadtownMaven
"Why should she be forced to pee in a bush and bleed on the grass because of her natural body functions!? The way I read it, step mom is basically saying, 'flush your products or you don't get to use my bathroom' (or dig through the trash to bury them maybe? Yuck), and since the other bathroom is out of commission, the only other alternative is outside."
"OP's comments talk about how this woman is very 'my way or the highway.' This family needs counseling ASAP. This is only the tip of a very very large iceberg I bet." - EinsTwo
"What´s even funnier: What does his mom do with her toilet products? She obviously gotta produce waste and garbage too (not only through her mouth)."
"Besides, what´s the big deal if the son learns that females use toilet products? It´s not disgusting; it's natural. He might have a girlfriend and wife later... what´s that poor woman supposed to do? Hide in the closet all the time, when she has her periods?"
"The way a man treats a woman in her time of need, in my honest opinion, shows more about character then most other things." - Morpheus4213
"OP's wife is both a symptom (she was probably taught to 'hide her shame') and a part of the problem (continuing that form of teaching) when it comes to education on menstrual and women's health."
"I hate that in bloody 2021, there are still people teaching periods as dirty, shameful, and something to be hidden, especially from males. F**k that noise."
"A 16-year-old boy should know what a period is and shouldn't be freaked out by it." - DeviousCheesecake
Others agreed and wondered what the stepson would eventually be like.
"Suddenly I'm understanding some of the worse guys on this sub, the ones who are offended that their partners ask them to pick up pads from the store, or are furious to find used feminine products in the trash can."
"I always assumed they were raised by single dads or always had their own bathroom or in some other way just never encountered anyone who menstruates, but this is a good reminder to reevaluate my own biases that women can be the source of misogyny, too (and also a reminder that men can be good educators on these issues, too!)." - littlefiddle05
"NTA."
"Her son lives in a world in which people who menstruate exist. He's going to have to deal with it. There's nothing wrong with him seeing a box of tampons or pads."
"Used pads should also get wrapped up in the next pads wrapper or some toilet paper. Mainly because this them stops them from sticking to the side of the bin."
"Your daughter having her period is totally natural and she shouldn't be relegated to another bathroom because of it."
"What does your wife do with her products? Hide them?" - janewilson90
"NTA."
"Your wife is raising her son to be one of those weird dudes who has a gag reflex when he hears the word 'tampon.'"
"I would tell her, 'Fine, but I'm taking the toilet paper out, because my daughter knows you wipe your butt with it, and that's disgusting. Since I guess we're all being freaks about human body functions." - SydeSplitter
"There was a guy at my school who would run away SCREAMING if I pulled a wrapped tampon out of my bag. This guy was also a borderline stalker, and incredibly creepy, so I'd keep a couple in my bag even though I use a cup, just to pull them out and scare him off when he came by."
"Men like that are absolutely ridiculous. It is sterilized cotton if it's unused, and it's just blood if it's been used! Some people just blow my mind with their logic..." - Silverfrond_
"'Probably saw the used pads.' You should clarify that because:"
"First, if he saw them, it means he went through a trash can in the bathroom till he found a used pad and then preceded to get traumatized, which means he is kind of crazy."
"Second, if he didn't see them, it means your wife thought he went through a trash can in the bathroom, found them, and got PTSD upon sight, which makes her kind of crazy."
"Then there is the question of WHERE is your daughter supposed to p**s and s**t... while the 2nd bathrom is being restored."
"And last is the question of what does your wife do with her used pads to prevent any form of trauma on your step son. Does she has a special locked box where he keeps them? An incinerator? We wanna know."
"NTA, by the way." - fotli3146
The subReddit was disturbed by the story the OP told, both because of how his daughter was potentially being treated and what the stepson was being taught.
It was clear the OP would need to have more conversations with his wife about what was bothering her and how to bring her more comfort while teaching their children the realities of menstruation and potentially being around people who menstruate.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp