Content Warning: Poor Parenting, Non-consensual Behavior, CPS False Alarm
Every parent is going to make mistakes along the way, and some of them can feel really cringey and stupid after the fact.
But there are mistakes that there is no coming back from, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Electrical-PAss460 was shocked when her daughter came home from her grandparents' house, her eyelashes having been cut by her grandmother.
But when the grandmother tried to say the granddaughter was lying, and later tried to pressure her granddaughter into changing her story, the Original Poster (OP) was disgusted and did not want her in their life anymore.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for cutting my family off after my stepmom cut my daughter's eyelashes?"
The OP's daughter was very close to her grandparents, until recently.
"I (28 Female) have a daughter (8 Female), Marie. Marie spent every other weekend with my dad (60) and my stepmother (70)."
"They became extremely close as I was a single mom who worked two jobs, and they watched her so every day, so I didn't have to pay for daycare. Four years later and married now, I don't need the help anymore, but my daughter still spends a lot of time with them, because they're so close."
"The last time she stayed over there, she came back the next day with her eyelashes cut off. I cleaned her eyes and found the whole middle of the lash cut with just the ends remaining, so it's very noticeable."
"Marie had pink eye that developed overnight, according to my stepmom, and Marie woke up with the sticky stuff on her eye, unable to open it."
"My stepmom claims she used a warm washcloth, but Marie came home with her eyelashes cut on one eye with a completely different story."
"According to Marie, my stepmom got frustrated when the washcloth wasn't working, so she cut them. Marie said she told her not to do that and that my stepmom didn't listen."
"She also told me she didn't argue with my stepmom anymore because she had scissors to her face and was scared."
The OP was shocked by her stepmother's reaction to being called out.
"I immediately called my stepmom, and she didn't answer, so I texted her to call me when she had time, thinking I would just have an adult conversation with her."
"I called my dad to see if he could shed some light on the situation. He had no idea and was furious."
"She ended up calling me back, and instead of talking to m,e she started screaming at both me and Marie. She proceeded to call my daughter a liar, a terrible person, and delusional."
"I didn't like her reaction, so I hung up the phone."
"But I did question Marie if her story was 100% true, just to be sure we were on the same page. She didn't back down or change her story, so I believed her (and still do) and stood up for her."
"During the fit my stepmom was throwing, she started sending texts about how Marie should have blamed it on someone else and how awful of a child she is for betraying her grandmother like this."
"I told her I was standing up for Marie and eventually blocked her number because she wouldn't leave me alone."
The OP's stepmother continued to escalate the situation.
"The next day, my stepmom showed up at my house unannounced, demanding that I force my daughter to talk to her alone, and I didn't think it was a good idea, but I asked Marie if she would like to speak to her."
"She said no, so I didn't force her. My stepmother started screaming about how I needed to tell her she had to talk to her, and I told her no. I told her that she had no right to show up at my house unannounced, demanding anything, and to leave."
"After she finally left, she sent me a message on Facebook (I don't get on there much, so I forgot about blocking her there), saying she was just going to tell her to change the story and say someone else did it, and she would back her up to keep her from getting in trouble. So basically that she was going to tell her to lie."
"I called my dad to tell him about this, and he ignored me. After this, I decided she was no longer welcome in or around my home or around Marie."
Then the OP found out that this might not be the first time that her stepmother acted like this.
"I thought maybe something was wrong with my stepmom and that she might need medical attention, until my sister, who lived with them before, told me she'd dealt with something similar."
"They kicked her out, and I never really got to have a good relationship with her, but we still talk, and when I asked her about this, she said our stepmom apparently has a track record of doing weird things like that and then lying about it. She's unfortunately just crazy."
"According to my sister, when she was in high school, my stepmom had punched her, and they called the police on my sister and told the cops my sister punched her, then punched herself to try to pin the blame on our stepmom, and got her arrested."
"Had I known that before, I probably would've never left my kid with her. She was probably in her 50s around that time."
Then the OP realized that her dad wasn't on her side, either.
"I ended up having another conversation with my dad to tell him all of this, and I guess he believes my stepmom, even after I sent him screenshots with proof of everything."
"I told him he could still come see Marie but that my stepmom wasn't welcome in my home anymore."
"He said no and said he won't see Marie if my stepmom can't, but now he's running around to everyone, saying I won't let him see Marie."
"Then he started another fight with me over that, which resulted in me having to block him, too."
"Now that they can't reach me, they are both reaching out to the rest of the family and my in-laws to say I'm overreacting and to pressure me because I won't let them see Marie."
Then the OP's parents went two steps past "too far."
"They've even called CPS on me. They claimed all three of my children had no clothes, no food, and that my house was trashed."
"The CPS people took one look at my home and my kids playing together and asked why they were even there. When CPS realized it was a false report, they started an investigation against my stepmom and dad instead."
"The worst part, honestly, is that it wasn't even pink eye. My daughter's doctor confirmed she had allergies, and for the next two days, the same thing happened with her eyes. They never got stuck, not once, and calmed down with allergy medication. So the whole thing was unnecessary to begin with."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were shocked by the stepmother's behavior.
"Things on your body, like eyelashes and nose hairs, are literally there for a health reason. Got to thank Evolution for parts like that. So I would totally classify stepmom as assaulting the daughter." - Pizzaisbae13
"CUTTING HER EYELASHES WITHOUT HER 100% CONSENT IS ENOUGH TO CUT ANYONE OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOREVER!"
"The rest of it is absolutely terrible on its own, and to invite a GOVERNMENT agency into your orbit with NO CAUSE, merely as a revenge tactic, is deplorable. ANYONE who condones or supports this in any form, verbally, on social media, whispers, or gossip should be cut off immediately! No engagement, no response, no allowing them to plead their case…" - naynay55
"Scissors near my child's face? NO. You think my child has a contagious illness and don't contact me to make sure the treatment course is safe? NO!!"
"You then try to bully my child for telling the truth, then show up to my house to harass them?"
"She's lucky that a doorbell camera didn't catch this because I would have posted and sent it EVERYWHERE like the millennial I am. NTA." - Long-Oil-5608
"She assaulted your daughter and then tried to force her to lie about it. Call the police and report this to your child protective services department. The incident itself is bad enough, but the reaction and follow-ups are pure harassment."
"Get a lawyer. NTA. Holy eff, mamma, I'd be in jail by now." - sun4moon
"My question is, what exactly was the stepmom's endgame when she admitted why she wanted to talk to the daughter?"
"'You need to let me talk to her so I can tell her to change her story that someone else did it.' Like, did she expect OP to say, 'Of course, if you go in and talk with her privately and browbeat her into saying something completely different, this will all just be water under the bridge'?" - StrategicCarry
Others could not believe that the OP's parents went so far as to call CPS.
"Do you know how messed up and extreme it is to bring CPS into your life when she KNOWS she did what she did?! Sick."
"NTA, and you made the best decision by protecting your daughter. Make sure her school knows to take them off of the emergency cards, too, if they're on them!" - Mandiezie1
"I mean, cutting the eyelashes would probably be enough for me to refuse to let them be with my child unattended. It's pretty weird, dangerous, and I'd assume it's a sign of some form of dementia."
"But calling CPS? That would result in blocking everywhere and never letting them in the same building as any child of mine again." - chrestomancy
"While it's not good that she called CPS, it's good that they saw that your house and your kids are well looked after."
"But she certainly has some nerve to do that after what she did to your child. It is good that they're looking into her. I hope she gets charged with something or that at the very least, they grant you with a restraining order against her."
"If they don't suggest it, I would actually go try to get one myself. I would take it out against your father, too, seeing that he's taken her side." - Shankyho1
"I wonder if she had called CPS by the point when she wanted to talk to the daughter and, because of the false report, they were on her a**, so she tried to cover it up by getting the kid to lie about it." - LEPetiteSirene
"NTA. I think there's a particular place for people to go who try to jeopardize a parent's relationship with their children, and compromise the children's quality of life, by calling CPS out of SPITE."
"I had CPS show up because my pregnant downstairs neighbor was p**sed that I had kids with legs. She called because they ran down the hall with shoes on ONCE (I always made my kids leave their shoes at the door, but they were quicker than me that day, LOL)."
"She told CPS my kids had no food, dirty clothes, and that I beat them and locked them in their rooms all day. My front door opened into my kitchen. My fully stocked kitchen. My laundry room was next to the kitchen, with a load running when they showed up."
"My kids came out without a mark on them and said a polite hello. And the 'locking them in their rooms all day'? Door knobs are funny in the fact that they lock FROM THE INSIDE! And they never knew how the lock worked, but we had a plan for if they figured it out (picking interior door locks is a particular skill I have)."
"They stayed long enough to make sure the locks were indeed on the inside, apologized for wasting my time, joked with my kids about their favorite snacks, and left." - HeyPrettyLadyMaaam
Some were also saddened to see how the OP's father was enabling her stepmother.
"So your dad KNOWS his wife is a liar and decided to join her instead of sticking up for his daughter and granddaughter!" - madgeystardust
"So your father was willing to have your children legally removed from you and their home in support of his wife. He is as bad as she is."
"I would tell all and any family contacting you that if they support your dad's and step mum's abuse and lies, they can f**k off and never contact you again." - scooth
"Your stepmom is a narcissist, and your dad is an enabler."
"My mom is the same, and she keeps cutting my nephew's hair without my sister's consent. My sister never let them babysit again after it happened twice."
"And then my mom had the audacity to blatantly lie and blame it on my dad, who took all the false blame even without putting up a fight."
"I went no contact with them years and years ago because my mom kept abusing me in the house. And now, she starts to pick on my sister via her kids. My sister still sees my parents with her kids, but would never leave them alone with my parents anymore."
"Narcs do weird s**t that doesn't make sense and then act violently (like yours did) or play victim cards, but can never take accountability or apologize genuinely (they can fake one and then repeat the same stuff or do different weird things to you). Stay safe out there and protect your daughter from that monster of a stepmom!" - Jazz_kitty
"I would take a photo of Marie's eye and draft a message with Marie's version of events. Your version of how stepmom has spoken to you. The fact that she charged around, demanding to speak alone, and then the Facebook message saying that she pretty much admitted she wanted Marie to lie about her version of events... because it is the truth."
"How you banned MIL from seeing your daughter after her assault, frightening her. The aggression and the forced attempt to bully your daughter into lying. Say Dad has never been banned from seeing Marie, but stepmom has."
"But then dad started to get aggressive with you and confrontational so you blocked for peace of mind. Again, he is not banned from seeing Marie, but unless it is civi,l you will not keep pathways to abuse open."
"Copy and paste. I'd also report stepmom for assault. NTA." - Exotic-Rooster4427
"NTA. I can't stress how many red flags have been set off here."
"Trying to have a child lie for you is troubling. Has she asked the child to lie for her before?"
"Your father, I am assuming, is acting the way he is because of the idea of 'Happy Wife, Happy Life,' but he is wrong in his thinking. The fact that he is siding with his wife as opposed to his granddaughter tells you where his loyalties lie."
"I would just move forward and try to just not have these people in your lives. Make them into 'Holiday Family,' family members you only see on major holidays, if even then."
"Also, keep all evidence as a possible nuclear option." - Kooky-Situation3059
The subReddit was shocked by what the OP's daughter went through at her grandmother's hand, and they were grateful that the OP was protecting her and preventing anything like that from ever happening again.
The fact that the stepmom went so far as to call CPS was diabolical, but at least now, the person who deserved to be investigated actually was.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp