You never forget your first love, but it’s rarely the real thing.
Young love is mostly hormones and emotions. Mature love is spending hours with someone who invariably gets on your nerves whilst resisting the urge to put a pillow over their face while they sleep.
Some people chase after that exhilarating, uncomplicated love their whole lives, bouncing from new person to new person. Because long term love has bills and problems and disagreements and periods of boredom.
Some people will idealize their first love, ignoring the reality of why it ended. Their memories are always better than the truth of the past.
A woman whose stepsister seems unable to get past her teenage romance years later turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Iinvitedher asked:
“AITA for inviting my stepsister to my wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (25f) am getting married to my fiancé (26m) in December.”
“He is my stepsister ‘Chloe‘s’ ex-boyfriend. I know I’ll get flamed for that and I’m not even going to defend it.”
“But the context is that Chloe and my fiancé got together when they were 16 and dated for a few weeks. He was her first boyfriend, and she had liked him for a long time before asking him out.”
“He broke up with her and asked me out—I was 15 at the time. We have been together ever since.”
“I could throw out a million excuses or mitigating factors, but I won’t. It just boils down to…I cared about him more than I cared about Chloe—we were never close nor considered each other family.”
“We didn’t go to the same school. We did know a lot of the same people, being only a year apart, but I never dated anyone until my now-fiancé.”
“I did get asked out—I don’t remember if it was a lot, but I always said no. She dated more than I did.”
“But she had a crush on him for a long time before she asked him out, so I don’t know if it’s that.”
“He said they never slept together, and she’s never said they did, so I have no reason to think they did. She liked him for a long time before asking him out, so I guess it was serious for her.”
“He was flattered that she liked him. And they were sort of friends. It evidently wasn’t that deep on his end.”
“I apologized to Chloe, and in the years before Chloe moved out, I never brought my fiancé to our house. I never expected Chloe to forgive me, and if I were her, I probably wouldn’t have either.”
“Chloe never spoke to me again beyond a greeting if we were in the same space. My fiancé and I moved away at 18 so apart from Christmas, I never really see Chloe anymore.”
“However, I did send her a courtesy invite to the wedding because I know it meant a lot to my stepdad that she be invited. I never expected her to come, though.”
“I would have been fine if she did. I just put it out there.”
“Instead, I get a message on Instagram from Chloe, reaming me out for inviting her because apparently I’m pressuring her to come.”
“I said there’s no obligation on her side, but she disagrees, saying that now I’ve put myself in the position to be the bigger person so she looks bad if she doesn’t come. My stepdad and his family have been wanting her to drop the grudge for years and it’s caused issues.”
“I don’t know what else I could have done. My friend said it was harsh to invite her, but I think not inviting her would have been beyond rude. And it would have hurt my stepdad who is contributing a lot of money to the wedding.”
“My stepdad doesn’t favour me over her. He will pay for her wedding if she gets married.”
“He’s only paying for a third of mine. He does think she’s being dumb for holding a grudge for a decade, but that’s not even about me because I don’t mind Chloe holding the grudge.”
“I invited her because she’s his daughter, not because I think she should forgive me if she doesn’t want to.”
“I’m not saying Chloe has to come or not come, but I don’t think I’m the AH for reaching out and at least giving her the option, considering her siblings, cousins, and dad will all be there.”
“It’s not for me to say whether she’s being childish or not. If she’s still angry, then she’s angry. But I didn’t invite her to upset her, I invited her because it was important to her dad.”
“She didn’t have to even respond.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole because Chloe feels I’ve put her in the position of having to be the bad guy by refusing the invitation.”
“That might be true, but I feel like not inviting her at all would have been so petty of me.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. They dated for a few weeks in high school ten years ago‽‽”
“No reasonable adult would even consider that person an ‘ex’ in the context of the person getting married. She needs to get over it.” ~ lamiatw
“I dated someone for a few weeks in high school and I’m not even sure I remember his name now. It’s been about 20 years. NTA.” ~ dragon34
“I don’t even remember the names of some of the guys I dated in college. I remember them by the nicknames I made up for them.” ~ BlackSpinelli
“NTA. ‘Chloe and my fiancé got together when they were 16, and dated for a few weeks. He broke up with her and asked me out’.”
“It was a few weeks in high school and he was honest enough to break up with her first before asking you out.”
“I think you did all you could hhereand you gave her the option not to come. It sounds like her family wants her to drop her ggrudgeand in these circumstances there doesn’t seem to be any reason for her to hold onto it.” ~ Apart-Ad-6518
“I’d argue she’s been looking bad for years if she can’t handle the situation the stems from *checks notes* a 2 week relationship at 16 that was ended properly. NTA.” ~ Busy-Persimmon-748
“NTA. And to me Chloe clearly knows it too. The fact that she says you’ve put yourself into a position to be the bigger person indicates to me that she knows this grudge is ridiculous.” ~ duke113
“NTA. You can’t really win here: I imagine that if you didn’t invite her, she’d also be up in arms over that. It sounds like she’s concerned about the optics of a grudge that she should really get over.”
“Ten years out from a weeks long high school relationship should be more than enough time to get over it enough to be civil about it.”
“You are being the bigger person inviting her. She doesn’t have to come and she doesn’t have to make a big deal about it if she doesn’t want to be there.” ~ freerange_chicken
“NTA. She asked him out, but he was the one who asked you out. She probably felt like you stole him away, knowing she liked him so much.”
“That you did something to make him ask you out. She was probably also hurt that he never asked her out.”
“However, that happened a long time ago. If she isn’t over it, she doesn’t want to be over it.”
“She could very well still like him or wish she was in your place. Honestly, it’s not healthy to hold on to these feelings/this grudge for so long.”
“The amount of unneeded stress she is adding to herself by not letting it go. Even if she is over it and doesn’t want to admit it, she is still adding unneeded stress to her life.” ~ melliott909
“Well, if it’s any consolation, we are in weirdly similar circumstances. My older by 2 years sister has NEVER forgiven me for briefly dating a guy she dated for 2 weeks and only held hands with in high school, and then she kissed some other boy, leading to them breaking up.”
“2 years later, when I was 16 or 17, he and I hung out at a party, got along great, dated for like a month, and she’s 40 now and still hates me for it. She still tells anyone who will listen how ‘her sister once f*cked her boyfriend’.” ~ _WitchoftheWaste
“NTA. Dating for a couple of weeks in high school is not noteworthy enough to still be holding a grudge ten years later. An invite is not a summons. She doesn’t have to attend.”
“If you were never close and never considered each other a sibling, then it’s no different to any high school break up. There’s no real betrayal because you didn’t have a relationship other than the one forced upon you by your parent’s marriage.” ~ Perfect_Calendar9847
It doesn’t sound like these stepsisters will ever be close, which is fine.
But if this rift is still about a brief high school romance, it doesn’t bode well for Chloe‘s future happiness.