When people decide to have children, they will likely envision the kind of life they'd like to have with them, and they'll likely do all that they can to make that happen.
But stealing should not be one of their methods, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor kaylaharper90's brother, sister-in-law, two nieces, and young nephew frequently visited her home for a few days at a time, and she thought that they were all one big, happy family.
But when she discovered that the family was stealing from her because of all she was able to provide for her daughter, the Original Poster (OP) didn't think she'd ever be able to trust them again.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for demanding to check my brother's girlfriend's bags before they leave my house?"
The OP frequently hosted some of her family members in her home.
"I (39 Female) have a brother (32 Male), Chase, and he has been with this girl, Vivian (35 Female), \ for almost two years now."
"About a month into their relationship, Vivian got pregnant with my nephew, who is now almost a year old. Vivian also has two daughters (5 Female and 8 Female) from a previous relationship."
"Her daughters are very close in age to my daughter (7 Female), and up until last weekend, everyone got along fine."
"They live in a different state from us but come to visit fairly often and stay with us because we have the extra room."
But then the OP discovered something devastating.
"Last weekend, they came to stay again, and about an hour before they left, my daughter noticed that a few of her favorite toys were missing. The girls were playing all weekend, so I didn't think much of it and offered to help her look for them."
"After about 20 minutes of searching, we could not find the toys anywhere, so I asked Vivian's girls if they remembered where they had been playing with them last. The girls said no but acted a little guilty about it."
"I asked Chase and Vivian about it, and Chase said he saw the exact toys in the room that Vivian's girls were sleeping in. We went to check and they were not there. He asked Vivian if she had moved them when she packed the girls' things that morning, and she said they were not there."
The OP then began to put the pieces together.
"We went back into the living room, and I saw Vivian's girls huddled close together over a backpack and quickly closed it when they saw we were there."
"Chase asked the girls again if they knew where the toys were, and this time they didn't say anything and just looked at their mom."
"Chase reached for the bag, and Vivian lost it. She started yelling at me about how dare I accuse her daughters of stealing, and she tried to snatch the bag away. Chase opened it, and there were the missing toys plus a few more."
"I was absolutely furious. I told her I wanted to see what else she had and demanded she open the two suitcases. She said that was an invasion of her privacy and tried to take them and leave."
"Chase stopped her and made her open them. She had taken several tops, a few skirts and dresses, and a brand new pair of Nikes that belonged to my daughter."
"I took everything back and told her she and her girls were not allowed back into my home."
The OP then got bombarded for "embarrassing" her sister-in-law.
"I have since received several texts from her and a few unknown numbers telling me I embarrassed her and upset her girls because they were promised the items."
"She wanted me to pull her aside into a different room away from Chase and the kids to talk the situation out. She also demanded that I understand that my child has more than her three children combined."
"Chase is upset with her, but said I was too mean to her in front of everyone and that I could have handled the situation more privately."
"I do feel awful that her girls left crying, but am I wrong for how I handled the situation?"
"Also, I'll be talking with my brother tonight or tomorrow to discuss things further."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was simply protecting items that were rightfully hers.
"NTA. You simply recovered legally owned property that was taken from you."
"She can still get her kids those items, just not by stealing yours."
"And they SHOULD be embarrassed! Just not because of you!" - Intelligent_Menu8004
"NTA. I may not have thought to open the suitcases, I would have thought the girls just stole the toys, but the clothes make it seem like it was Vivian's act, especially if the girls 'were promised' them."
"Who else would promise them? Your Brother, his wife, and children/stepchildren shouldn't be invited back. Anyone saying anything to you can host them themselves or shut the f**k up." - Sparklingwine23
"You know what's an easy way to not be embarrassed for getting caught stealing? Not stealing in the first place."
"I feel terrible for the children involved, and I hope they learn a good lesson from this situation, but considering their mother is a thief, I doubt they will learn the right lesson." - drawkward101
"Definitely NTA. Sounds like Vivian was trying to get a head start on her holiday shopping at your expense. Maybe she can teach her girls about the real meaning of Christmas next year." - outrageousconfetti
"Absolutely NTA."
"You don't need to accommodate the feelings of thieves. She should feel embarrassed."
"Her girls are crying because their mother is a filthy thief and a liar. Not your problem." - BulbasaurRanch
"NTA. She's a thief, and she's teaching her kids to be thieves. She embarrassed herself. Being a thief is bad enough, but stealing from family and children is some low-bottom crap."
"Your brother knew something was up. I wonder who else she's stolen from. She promised her kids stolen items?"
"So what? You did nothing wrong. She's embarrassed instead of being ashamed. Forget her." - Vandreeson
"I don't understand how OP could think she's the a-hole here. This piece of s**t stole after they were nice enough to let them in their house. And I'm guessing this isn't the first time. I'd be willing to bet she's done it quite a few times and just hasn't been caught."
"The fact that she's teaching her kids that this behavior is okay is even more shameful."
"Also, who cares if she is embarrassed??!?? She stole and got caught. She should be both embarrassed and ashamed. I would've dumped their stuff out and went through all of it."
"I don't care if that hurts her feelings. You lose the right to privacy once you start stealing from me after I let you into my house. I'd never let her back into my home again."
"Anyway, NTA." - YoureNotSpeshul
Others agreed and urged the OP to set the record straight with the rest of the family.
"NTA, OP! She SHOULD be embarrassed!"
"I'd text the whole family telling them what happened. Make them aware so they can keep her and her gremlins from stealing at their houses."
"OP didn't deny the girls anything. The girls and that mom conspired to steal from the daughter. It's evil, and the mom is passing it on. They've probably done this at least one other time if the girls knew to keep quiet about it."
"OP's brother should lock his credit down and do a credit report to make sure she's not bankrupting him with loans and credit cards. It's a thing this kind of people do!" - oldtimehawkey
"NTA. I do hope your brother reconsiders his relationship with Vivian, though, YIKES."
"Next thing, bro will find out is that the cops are detaining them because all this stuff from the store happened to be in their bags as they walked out." - SoftwareMaintenance
"The text messages from other numbers are either direct harassment from her crazy a** or harassment by proxy from people she enlisted to bother you."
"That's evidence. I'd make sure your brother knows about it. She couldn't have been 'so embarrassed' if she's running around telling people... she's playing the victim."
"Save the text messages from the unknown numbers and forward them to your brother. Either he can use them to show state of mind for custody, or at least recognize she has other numbers for her schemes." - Myay-4111
"I'm sorry, OP, but she's definitely stolen from you before. And that's not your problem (in regards to her kids not having as much stuff). Nobody told her to have three kids, she clearly can't comfortably afford. That's on her, and it doesn't mean she gets to steal from you."
"I hope you never let her back in your home because she'll do this again. Same with the two girls. Their mother probably already told them you're the reason they didn't get those things, and we already know she's teaching them to steal. At this point, she and her two daughters shouldn't ever be allowed in your house." - fishebakee
"NTA. But I would like to add that the timing of her quick pregnancy is suspect, with her behavior of stealing your daughter's things and acting entitled to taking them, it feels like she hooked up with your brother for financial reasons."
"Your brother may consider requesting a paternity test if/when he decides to end the relationship."
"I'm wondering how casual she was with her birth control and probably sought to trap your brother on purpose."
"Also, NTA, had that been me, I would have already gone scorched earth with the entire family over this." - Far-Dare-6458
The subReddit was sure that this was an embarrassing moment for the OP's sister-in-law, but they ensured that it should be embarrassing for her and that she should learn something from this.
It was unfortunate what her daughters likely had learned from the situation, though, as they would likely believe their mother that the OP was cruel rather than that their mother was a thief.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp