Sunday dinners are a tradition in some families.
As kids age and establish their own households, the tradition can continue in the original family home or move between houses so everyone gets a turn hosting.
One such Redditor turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Training-Baby2 asked:
"AITA for refusing to take my turn hosting family dinners after everyone always bails on mine?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (24, female) come from a family that values big Sunday dinners, and we've always rotated between whose house we gather at. The idea is that everyone contributes by hosting one of these dinners, but recently, it feels like I'm the only one actually holding up my end of the bargain."
"Every time it's my turn to host, my siblings and even my parents seem to come up with last-minute excuses to skip. The last time I prepared a full meal, my sister canceled an hour before because she 'wasn't feeling well' and my brother had 'work stuff'."
"I spent hours prepping and even made special dishes that everyone usually loves. This has happened several times now, and I'm starting to feel like my effort isn't being appreciated."
"Last week, it was my mom's turn to host, and everyone showed up—no excuses, no last-minute cancellations. Now, my turn is coming up again, and I don't feel like going through all the effort when no one ever shows up.
"When I told my family that I was thinking of skipping my turn and letting someone else host, they got upset. My dad said I was being dramatic and that it's just how family is sometimes, but I can't help but feel like I'm always the one getting the short end of the stick."
"It's really frustrating when I feel like I'm the only one putting in the effort and everyone just bails on me. If they keep canceling on me, it's only fair that I take a break from hosting until everyone starts respecting the commitment."
"Every time it's my turn, they all come up with some excuse to bail, and I'm just left wondering why I bother. I've put in so much effort, but at this point, I'm thinking enough is enough."
"This has happened multiple times now. I've spent hours preparing special dishes and making sure everything was perfect, only for everyone to cancel at the last minute."
"It's incredibly frustrating and feels so disrespectful. If family means showing up for each other, they should stick to their word when they say they'll be there."
"AITA for refusing to host family dinners when no one ever shows up to mine?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I refused to take my turn hosting family dinners after everyone kept bailing on mine without a good reason."
"Some people might say I'm being petty by not hosting my turn and that I should just let it go because family is family. They might think I'm overreacting to a few missed dinners and not contributing equally anymore."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"If you decide to host anyway, make a big pot of Chili that you can freeze if they don't come. Or something else you can freeze. If they complain, just mention the last time, and say you would not waste food again."
"Do the dinner one or two times again. Two, because after you mentioned it to them, they will try to be on better behavior. NTA." ~ charstella
"And make the food you want to eat. NTA. No more catering to guests that don't show. Make something you want leftovers of so that it's no loss to you." ~ Motor_Dark6406
"I'd just make up your favorite foods that freeze well, and when they don't show up, you have a stack of meal prep done. I'd also keep track of what's happening so you can discuss it further with them to show it's a pattern of disrespect not a random occurrence."
"That is if you want to stay in contact with them, that is. NTA, and also point out that the notice given to you was unacceptable. If things like sickness or work obligations happen, they surely have more than an hour's notice and should prioritize letting you know." ~ wrathofworlds
"I'd literally get a paper calendar and mark all the weeks that you were supposed to host and all the weeks no one showed. Then they can physically see why you are so upset and how often they are actually ditching you."
"It'll make it harder for them to brush off the pattern when it's visually in front of them."
"If you really want to drive it home, price out how much it costs you to make these meals so you can also show them how much money they are making you throw away when they skip out on you."
"I also like the idea to make freezable stuff. But honestly, I'd give them another chance or two before just quitting altogether. It's just not fair to you, but they might not realize how often it happens. NTA." ~ Illustrious_Bobcat
"Don't refuse to host, but switch your meal planning to something VERY easy to scale up/down, or save for later in the freezer. I'd be doing spaghetti with store bought sauce, or a batch of soup that can go in the freezer if they cancel." ~ ria1024
"NTA, especially if this is happening often."
"I'd invite them again, and when everyone arrives, have a few appetizers and order pizza, once you know how many people are there. Then you aren't putting out much effort or cost up front."
"And if anyone complains, remind them that you've on multiple occasions made a whole big dinner and none or few show up." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"There's a dynamic at play. OP and sibs wouldn't dream of disrespecting Mum and Dad by ducking out last minute. They probably think they'll get 'what for' if they do. Whereas OP's not as important, in their eyes."
"I'd love to know where she falls on the scale of Oldest to Youngest."
"But Dad telling her to suck it up etc and that's how family is is just because OP is shining a light on the disrespect—i.e. rocking the boat. He can't have that, in case this skipping-dinner palaver is just the tip of the iceberg of the disrespect."
"Or, he just doesn't like boat-rocking because he wants peace and harmony. 'Why can't you all just get along‽‽'." ~ Mummysews
"NTA. If they really want you to host, wait for them to arrive and order pizza. Why put effort into making special dishes?"
"If they complain, tell them you weren't sure how many of them would actually bother to show up, so you decided to make it easy on yourself." ~ Jazzlike-Bird-3192
The OP provided an update with some thoughts about what to do in the future.
"I'm definitely going to have a conversation with them to see if we can figure out a way that feels more fair for everyone. A rotation system where anyone who cancels has to skip the next dinner would definitely help with accountability."
"Or agreeing to host, but setting a clear boundary—if they bail last minute, I won't attend future dinners. It might help them understand how frustrating it is when people don't show up."
"I've definitely noticed a pattern of last minute cancellations, so it's probably time I brought this up more directly with them. The short notice they've been giving me is just unfair especially when I've been putting in so much effort."
"I like your suggestion of hosting, but with low-effort dishes that won't go to waste if people cancel. I think simplifying things might help me feel less stressed about hosting, and if they miss out on their favorite dishes, that's on them!"
"Why put in the effort when there's no guarantee they'll even show up?"
"Waiting until they actually arrive and then ordering pizza or maybe just some appetizers sounds like a perfect way to avoid wasting time and energy. If they don't like it, they can't really complain since I've been left hanging so many times already."
"I also love the thought of just serving something easy like frozen pizza or sandwiches, something that doesn't go to waste if no one shows up. If they don't like it, well, at least I didn't spend hours cooking for nothing. Definitely something to consider for next time!"
"Pasta and garlic bread also sounds perfect! Simple, delicious, and easy to make without a ton of stress. If no one shows up, at least it's not a huge time investment, and I'll have leftovers for myself."
"I think I'll try to make food that can freeze next time, just in case."
"I just want things to feel more equal instead of resorting to games. I'll definitely have to think about how to handle it from here."
Communicating clearly with their family sounds like a good idea. Maybe there's a reason behind the cancellations.
And keeping meals simple should reduce the stress involved for OP.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp