Too many, being bilingual can be seen as a super power.
Being able to communicate in different languages has helped with a lot of job advancement and travel.
So more often than not, bilingual parents teach their children several languages at once.
This can also be a way for a parent and child to have a special connection.
This doesn’t always go over well with everyone in the family.
Redditor Rich_View_5763 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA wanting to speak my language to my future kid?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m a Finnish guy living in the U.S.”
“My wife and I are planning on having a child.”
“There is one thing that she and I don’t agree on.”
“She and her whole family don’t like the idea that I’d be speaking Finnish to my kid.”
“They say my child wouldn’t need it and they don’t like this kind of stuff.”
“Honestly, I’d be more afraid of talking English to my kid ’cause I can’t speak it too well.”
“So this would be the connection between me and my child.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Getting raised bilingual is scientifically linked to so many advantages, one of them including a delay to getting alzheimers at a later stage in life.”
“Source: Bilingualism Delays the Onset of Alzheimer’s Symptoms – Neurology | UCLA Health.”
“It doesn’t matter what language – being bilingual is a great skill to have and your family in law is very shortsighted for not seeing that.”
“Please raise your children bilingual.”
“I am currently raising two bilingual children.” ~ Pergamon_
“I was also raised bilingual btw and LOVE it.”
“Also: don’t you have family?”
“Wouldn’t your parents want to communicate with your child?”
“Your siblings?”
“Doesn’t your child want to learn about Finland (great country by the way) go on holiday?”
“Explore their roots?”
“Speaking Finnish is cool.”
“I wish I could do it.” ~ Pergamon_
“There is more harm in not learning a language than there ever will be in learning it.”
“I could never fully partake in family gatherings because I did not know Finnish.”
“It is awful feeling left out like that and not being able to communicate with your own relatives because your parents couldn’t bother to teach you a language.”
“That stays with you for a long time.” ~ neacalathea
“The only ‘harm’ is that they might start speaking a little later than usual, since they have to learn two languages at once.”
“However, the benefits largely outweigh this small and temporary disadvantage.”
“Also, linguists advise to always speak your own mother tongue with your child.”
“No matter how fluent you are, nuances might be missed, mistakes will be made, and the child will learn the language in a wrong way.”
“That’s the only reason why I am not raising my own children bilingual, since my mother and their dad have the same mother tongue, but I do regret it, since I so wish for them to have the advantages of being raised bilingual.” ~ seastar-soapbubble
“Along with these advantages, bilingualism is a great way to connect to culture and heritage.”
“Finnish may not be the most common language out there, but it is very important to the OP.”
“It should also be important to his wife that their kids engage with dad’s background.” ~ 0biterdicta
“NTA. Speaking two languages to a child can provide significant cognitive benefits, including enhanced problem-solving skills, improved attention switching, better memory, and increased cultural awareness.”
“You’re essentially making them ‘smarter’ by stimulating their brains in multiple ways.”
“It also helps them connect with a wider community and fosters a stronger sense of identity by bridging different cultures.”
“It also makes it easier for them to pick up another language later in life.”
“My grandmother spoke 6 languages.” ~ TheBewitchingWitch
“I hate to be that typical Reddit ‘dump her’ person, but this would be a dealbreaker for me.”
“I was raised bilingually (one language from each parent) and am an E[nglish]-S[econd]-L[anguage] teacher to kids in Asia.”
“Bilingualism is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child.”
“Of course NTA.”
“But your wife and her family are painfully ignorant.” ~ tauriwoman
“My biggest regret in life is my dad didn’t allow me to learn my mother’s language.”
“He forbade her from talking in her native language to me and my siblings because he was worried I’d grow up with an accent in America and be bullied.”
“He denied me a part of my culture.” ~ Little_Sushi99
“NTA. You have the right to speak to your child in your native language.”
“They will learn English from Mom, her family, school, etc.”
“There is no reason why the child can’t speak Finnish with you, and it’s none of your wife’s family’s business if you choose to do so.”
“Saying the child ”won’t need to speak Finnish’ when that’s your language and your child’s culture is wrong.”
“I am a native English speaker settled in Denmark and speak English to my child even though he goes to Danish school, and I can’t imagine all of my communication with him being in poor Danish.”
“Honestly, I think this is a big deal and something you and your wife need to agree on before you decide to have a child.”
“I personally would find it really upsetting for my spouse and her family to not want my child to speak my language and it would make me question the relationship.” ~ IndigoButterfl6
“Absolutely! I was raised trilingual; I speak five languages now, four fluently.”
“I am raising my child bilingually.”
“If my husband weren’t supportive or even dared to say my child wouldn’t need to speak another language besides German.”
“I would not have had a child with him, and it would have made me rethink our whole relationship.”
“Do not have any kids with her until you are on the same page, OP!”
“And do not allow her to make you ashamed of your culture and heritage.” ~ AniNaguma
“OP’s wife is trying to erase OP’s culture, cultural identity, she is blatantly telling OP that her culture is superior to his.”
“Because that is what she is trying to do.”
“That’s why it would be so upsetting to you, because of the knowledge that your spouse is not accepting you, looking down on your heritage, therefore at least in part looking down on you too, trying to change you fundamentally and trying to erase half of the child’s heritage, culture too.”
“To me, this would be a hill to die on, I can’t imagine being together with someone who is trying to ban my culture, thinks of me like this.”
“To me it’s a reason to re-evaluate the relationship altogether.”
“NTA. OP doesn’t have kids with someone who thinks like your wife.”
“Not everything outside of the US is worthless just because she thinks it is.”
“OP you are married to a xenophobe.”
“Plus she says the kid won’t need Finnish.”
“Well, what about the family members in Finland who maybe don’t speak English (even if most people there speak it)?”
“Will she never take the kid to OP’s home country?”
“Not to mention being raised bilingual gives children lots of advantages, develops many skills, the way they think.”
“It is a great thing.”
“It also gives an advantage on the job market.”
“It expands university options. Etc.”
“There’s no disadvantage to it.” ~ Cute-Shine-1701
“Also being able to speak Finnish might open the possibility to studying in Finland for a cheaper university education.”
“I had someone in my university with that ability because her dad was a Dane, so she could still study in Denmark, lived with her grandparents and had a phenomenal time here before moving back some years after graduation.” ~ Gandalftheteach
“If this is just as you described, there’s nothing wrong with wanting your child to learn Finnish.”
“It’s a part of your culture/identity and will be a part of theirs by extension.”
“I can’t think of any situation where it’s a bad thing to be bilingual.”
“I’m sure it’s a similar situation in most households in the US where one/both parents’ native tongue is not English.”
“You see it often in families of Spanish/Asian descent.”
“NTA. I would be more concerned about why your wife and her family are so against it.”
“Cause that may be a bigger cause for concern.” ~ Fit-Contribution-821
“This. It can’t do any harm.”
“I suspect they’re concerned about a future in which the OP and his child can converse without them understanding the conversation, and instead of being proactive and learning his language.”
“The parents and his wife to be are taking the lazy way out and trying to stop this happening.” ~ Performance_Lanky
“Exactly. On the wife’s part, it’s likely being driven by a fear of missing out on part of her child’s life and being dependent on OP to include her on what’s going on.”
“Perhaps she’s afraid of something nefarious (unfortunately, most abuse is committed by someone close to the victim) or simply imagining that she’d be isolated as the only person not able to speak Finnish.”
“‘Not needing it’ is a pretty flimsy excuse, so it’s probably worth frankly discussing the issue with her.”
“As for her family, they can kick rocks.”
“Parenting decisions are up to OP and his wife.” ~ curmevexas
“I think it’s a controlling behavior from his wife and in-laws.”
“I would be careful and really think through if I wanted to raise a family with her.” ~ Most-Occasion-1408
“It does not harm to the child.”
“But maybe the English-speaking family doesn’t like that they couldn’t understand what you talk about.”
“That of course does NOT rise to the level of something that should prevent you from talking to your child in your native language.”
“The kid won’t get a second chance to be bilingual from the start.”
“Besides, it’s YOUR native language.”
“You can express yourself most fully in it, not English.”
“Nobody should try to take that from your family.”
“Go forth and speak Finnish!” ~ rora_borealis
“As a linguist with three degrees in linguistics: Speak your native language with your child.”
“It is beneficial for cognitive and neurological development. It will make it easier for your child to learn (in general) and to learn more languages.”
“Their English proficiency will improve as well, both from the cognitive advantages from being bilingual, but also because they will learn it from native speakers.”
“There are zero downsides to speaking Finnish to your child.”
“Teach them Swedish too, if you can.” ~ Raukstar
“NTA, your language is part of who you are.”
“Has your wife learned any Finnish?”
“I would say just start with how the child would address you. “
“I’m not sure what ‘dad/father’ is in Finnish is, but you have a good 6 month window to have your wife see the joy that referring to yourself in Finnish makes!”
“Before the child really starts learning words.”
“Being called Dad is my biggest joy in life, can’t imagine being gatekept by my in-laws on that!” ~ mcvaz
“NTA. As the child of an immigrant who never learned her parent’s native tongue, please speak Finnish to your kid!”
“It is an important way of keeping your culture alive in them.”
“While it is true your child doesn’t NEED it, it will enrich your child’s life and their relationship to your past and family.”
“My mother (American) was my primary caregiver so I never learned my father’s mother tongue (Telugu, an Indian language).”
“My father was a doctor who worked long hours so there was never really the time to teach me the language but in retrospect, I really wish he had made the effort.”
“I was never able to properly communicate with my paternal grandmother who spoke little English and even today, my relatives will speak in Telugu around me (even though they are all fluent in English now, it is just a comfort thing for them), and I feel left out.”
“Do not let yourself get bullied into abandoning your native language. “
“Yes, as you live in the US you may need to become more fluent in English, but you can do that among grownups and still speak Finnish with your child.”
“It will be a special thing for the two of you.” ~ kalyknits
“NTA. This is a dealbreaker.”
“When you’re an old man, far away from your homeland and finding it harder to speak in English you’ll be grateful your kid can speak Finnish.”
“Why is your wife like this?”
“Her family can have their opinion, but it seems a little self-defeating on your part to be with someone so closed-minded.” ~ Difficult_Falcon1022
“NTA. It’s ALWAYS a good idea to teach a child a second language.”
“It would also be a perfect opportunity for your wife to learn your native language.”
“What if y’all decide to travel to Finland someday?”
“Do you have family you’d like to visit?”
“Wouldn’t it be nice to show your child where you grew up?”
“Speaking the language would help.”
“Ignore the in-laws.”
“Sadly, too many of us in the US can’t speak a second language and the ability to do so has become politicized lately.” ~ KingsRansom79
“NTA. Please do teach any kid you have Finnish.”
“I’m desperately trying to learn Romanian and failing, my mother decided when I was born that I wouldn’t need it.”
“I do know you never know what will happen or what they’ll want, and it can help them access a lot of information online and entertainment as well.”
“Better they know it and never need it than not know and need or want to know it.” ~ lickytytheslit
“NTA. My parents had this same argument when I was born and decided I would only speak English.”
“I have family members who I cannot communicate with.”
“It feels like part of my culture is lost.”
“There has been no benefit and many downsides to being raised monolingual.” ~ flying0range
“Being raised bilingual helps in so many ways.”
“Also as someone who should be able to write my reply in Finnish but can’t: Finnish is not a language you can learn well later in life if you come from an Indo-European language only.”
“Please speak Finnish to your kid.” ~ ohnoops
“NTA. Being bilingual can bring huge benefits to kids.”
“It develops their cognitive abilities.”
“Also it’s important to know your parents’ culture.” ~ acointv
Reddit is with you OP.
There is so much life regret for a lot of people over not learning new languages.
And you’re right, this would be a lovely connection for you and your kid to have.
Plus, won’t they want to be able to communicate with your side of the family?
You and your partner have a lot to discuss.
Perhaps you can teach both your child and partner at the same time?
Good luck.