Too many, being bilingual can be seen as a super power.
Being able to communicate in different languages has helped with a lot of job advancement and travel.
So more often than not, bilingual parents teach their children several languages at once.
This can also be a way for a parent and child to have a special connection.
This doesn't always go over well with everyone in the family.
Redditor Rich_View_5763 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA wanting to speak my language to my future kid?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a Finnish guy living in the U.S."
"My wife and I are planning on having a child."
"There is one thing that she and I don't agree on."
"She and her whole family don't like the idea that I'd be speaking Finnish to my kid."
"They say my child wouldn't need it and they don't like this kind of stuff."
"Honestly, I'd be more afraid of talking English to my kid 'cause I can't speak it too well."
"So this would be the connection between me and my child."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Getting raised bilingual is scientifically linked to so many advantages, one of them including a delay to getting alzheimers at a later stage in life."
"Source: Bilingualism Delays the Onset of Alzheimer's Symptoms - Neurology | UCLA Health."
"It doesn't matter what language - being bilingual is a great skill to have and your family in law is very shortsighted for not seeing that."
"Please raise your children bilingual."
"I am currently raising two bilingual children." ~ Pergamon_
"I was also raised bilingual btw and LOVE it."
"Also: don't you have family?"
"Wouldn't your parents want to communicate with your child?"
"Your siblings?"
"Doesn't your child want to learn about Finland (great country by the way) go on holiday?"
"Explore their roots?"
"Speaking Finnish is cool."
"I wish I could do it." ~ Pergamon_
"There is more harm in not learning a language than there ever will be in learning it."
"I could never fully partake in family gatherings because I did not know Finnish."
"It is awful feeling left out like that and not being able to communicate with your own relatives because your parents couldn't bother to teach you a language."
"That stays with you for a long time." ~ neacalathea
"The only 'harm' is that they might start speaking a little later than usual, since they have to learn two languages at once."
"However, the benefits largely outweigh this small and temporary disadvantage."
"Also, linguists advise to always speak your own mother tongue with your child."
"No matter how fluent you are, nuances might be missed, mistakes will be made, and the child will learn the language in a wrong way."
"That's the only reason why I am not raising my own children bilingual, since my mother and their dad have the same mother tongue, but I do regret it, since I so wish for them to have the advantages of being raised bilingual." ~ seastar-soapbubble
"Along with these advantages, bilingualism is a great way to connect to culture and heritage."
"Finnish may not be the most common language out there, but it is very important to the OP."
"It should also be important to his wife that their kids engage with dad's background." ~ 0biterdicta
"NTA. Speaking two languages to a child can provide significant cognitive benefits, including enhanced problem-solving skills, improved attention switching, better memory, and increased cultural awareness."
"You're essentially making them 'smarter' by stimulating their brains in multiple ways."
"It also helps them connect with a wider community and fosters a stronger sense of identity by bridging different cultures."
"It also makes it easier for them to pick up another language later in life."
"My grandmother spoke 6 languages." ~ TheBewitchingWitch
"I hate to be that typical Reddit 'dump her' person, but this would be a dealbreaker for me."
"I was raised bilingually (one language from each parent) and am an E[nglish]-S[econd]-L[anguage] teacher to kids in Asia."
"Bilingualism is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child."
"Of course NTA."
"But your wife and her family are painfully ignorant." ~ tauriwoman
"My biggest regret in life is my dad didn't allow me to learn my mother's language."
"He forbade her from talking in her native language to me and my siblings because he was worried I'd grow up with an accent in America and be bullied."
"He denied me a part of my culture." ~ Little_Sushi99
"NTA. You have the right to speak to your child in your native language."
"They will learn English from Mom, her family, school, etc."
"There is no reason why the child can't speak Finnish with you, and it's none of your wife's family's business if you choose to do so."
"Saying the child ''won't need to speak Finnish' when that's your language and your child's culture is wrong."
"I am a native English speaker settled in Denmark and speak English to my child even though he goes to Danish school, and I can't imagine all of my communication with him being in poor Danish."
"Honestly, I think this is a big deal and something you and your wife need to agree on before you decide to have a child."
"I personally would find it really upsetting for my spouse and her family to not want my child to speak my language and it would make me question the relationship." ~ IndigoButterfl6
"Absolutely! I was raised trilingual; I speak five languages now, four fluently."
"I am raising my child bilingually."
"If my husband weren't supportive or even dared to say my child wouldn't need to speak another language besides German."
"I would not have had a child with him, and it would have made me rethink our whole relationship."
"Do not have any kids with her until you are on the same page, OP!"
"And do not allow her to make you ashamed of your culture and heritage." ~ AniNaguma
"OP's wife is trying to erase OP's culture, cultural identity, she is blatantly telling OP that her culture is superior to his."
"Because that is what she is trying to do."
"That's why it would be so upsetting to you, because of the knowledge that your spouse is not accepting you, looking down on your heritage, therefore at least in part looking down on you too, trying to change you fundamentally and trying to erase half of the child's heritage, culture too."
"To me, this would be a hill to die on, I can't imagine being together with someone who is trying to ban my culture, thinks of me like this."
"To me it's a reason to re-evaluate the relationship altogether."
"NTA. OP doesn't have kids with someone who thinks like your wife."
"Not everything outside of the US is worthless just because she thinks it is."
"OP you are married to a xenophobe."
"Plus she says the kid won't need Finnish."
"Well, what about the family members in Finland who maybe don't speak English (even if most people there speak it)?"
"Will she never take the kid to OP's home country?"
"Not to mention being raised bilingual gives children lots of advantages, develops many skills, the way they think."
"It is a great thing."
"It also gives an advantage on the job market."
"It expands university options. Etc."
"There's no disadvantage to it." ~ Cute-Shine-1701
"Also being able to speak Finnish might open the possibility to studying in Finland for a cheaper university education."
"I had someone in my university with that ability because her dad was a Dane, so she could still study in Denmark, lived with her grandparents and had a phenomenal time here before moving back some years after graduation." ~ Gandalftheteach
"If this is just as you described, there's nothing wrong with wanting your child to learn Finnish."
"It's a part of your culture/identity and will be a part of theirs by extension."
"I can't think of any situation where it's a bad thing to be bilingual."
"I'm sure it's a similar situation in most households in the US where one/both parents' native tongue is not English."
"You see it often in families of Spanish/Asian descent."
"NTA. I would be more concerned about why your wife and her family are so against it."
"Cause that may be a bigger cause for concern." ~ Fit-Contribution-821
"This. It can't do any harm."
"I suspect they're concerned about a future in which the OP and his child can converse without them understanding the conversation, and instead of being proactive and learning his language."
"The parents and his wife to be are taking the lazy way out and trying to stop this happening." ~ Performance_Lanky
"Exactly. On the wife's part, it's likely being driven by a fear of missing out on part of her child's life and being dependent on OP to include her on what's going on."
"Perhaps she's afraid of something nefarious (unfortunately, most abuse is committed by someone close to the victim) or simply imagining that she'd be isolated as the only person not able to speak Finnish."
"'Not needing it' is a pretty flimsy excuse, so it's probably worth frankly discussing the issue with her."
"As for her family, they can kick rocks."
"Parenting decisions are up to OP and his wife." ~ curmevexas
"I think it's a controlling behavior from his wife and in-laws."
"I would be careful and really think through if I wanted to raise a family with her." ~ Most-Occasion-1408
"It does not harm to the child."
"But maybe the English-speaking family doesn't like that they couldn't understand what you talk about."
"That of course does NOT rise to the level of something that should prevent you from talking to your child in your native language."
"The kid won't get a second chance to be bilingual from the start."
"Besides, it's YOUR native language."
"You can express yourself most fully in it, not English."
"Nobody should try to take that from your family."
"Go forth and speak Finnish!" ~ rora_borealis
"As a linguist with three degrees in linguistics: Speak your native language with your child."
"It is beneficial for cognitive and neurological development. It will make it easier for your child to learn (in general) and to learn more languages."
"Their English proficiency will improve as well, both from the cognitive advantages from being bilingual, but also because they will learn it from native speakers."
"There are zero downsides to speaking Finnish to your child."
"Teach them Swedish too, if you can." ~ Raukstar
"NTA, your language is part of who you are."
"Has your wife learned any Finnish?"
"I would say just start with how the child would address you. "
"I'm not sure what 'dad/father' is in Finnish is, but you have a good 6 month window to have your wife see the joy that referring to yourself in Finnish makes!"
"Before the child really starts learning words."
"Being called Dad is my biggest joy in life, can't imagine being gatekept by my in-laws on that!" ~ mcvaz
"NTA. As the child of an immigrant who never learned her parent's native tongue, please speak Finnish to your kid!"
"It is an important way of keeping your culture alive in them."
"While it is true your child doesn't NEED it, it will enrich your child's life and their relationship to your past and family."
"My mother (American) was my primary caregiver so I never learned my father's mother tongue (Telugu, an Indian language)."
"My father was a doctor who worked long hours so there was never really the time to teach me the language but in retrospect, I really wish he had made the effort."
"I was never able to properly communicate with my paternal grandmother who spoke little English and even today, my relatives will speak in Telugu around me (even though they are all fluent in English now, it is just a comfort thing for them), and I feel left out."
"Do not let yourself get bullied into abandoning your native language. "
"Yes, as you live in the US you may need to become more fluent in English, but you can do that among grownups and still speak Finnish with your child."
"It will be a special thing for the two of you." ~ kalyknits
"NTA. This is a dealbreaker."
"When you're an old man, far away from your homeland and finding it harder to speak in English you'll be grateful your kid can speak Finnish."
"Why is your wife like this?"
"Her family can have their opinion, but it seems a little self-defeating on your part to be with someone so closed-minded." ~ Difficult_Falcon1022
"NTA. It's ALWAYS a good idea to teach a child a second language."
"It would also be a perfect opportunity for your wife to learn your native language."
"What if y'all decide to travel to Finland someday?"
"Do you have family you'd like to visit?"
"Wouldn't it be nice to show your child where you grew up?"
"Speaking the language would help."
"Ignore the in-laws."
"Sadly, too many of us in the US can't speak a second language and the ability to do so has become politicized lately." ~ KingsRansom79
"NTA. Please do teach any kid you have Finnish."
"I'm desperately trying to learn Romanian and failing, my mother decided when I was born that I wouldn't need it."
"I do know you never know what will happen or what they'll want, and it can help them access a lot of information online and entertainment as well."
"Better they know it and never need it than not know and need or want to know it." ~ lickytytheslit
"NTA. My parents had this same argument when I was born and decided I would only speak English."
"I have family members who I cannot communicate with."
"It feels like part of my culture is lost."
"There has been no benefit and many downsides to being raised monolingual." ~ flying0range
"Being raised bilingual helps in so many ways."
"Also as someone who should be able to write my reply in Finnish but can't: Finnish is not a language you can learn well later in life if you come from an Indo-European language only."
"Please speak Finnish to your kid." ~ ohnoops
"NTA. Being bilingual can bring huge benefits to kids."
"It develops their cognitive abilities."
"Also it's important to know your parents' culture." ~ acointv
Reddit is with you OP.
There is so much life regret for a lot of people over not learning new languages.
And you're right, this would be a lovely connection for you and your kid to have.
Plus, won't they want to be able to communicate with your side of the family?
You and your partner have a lot to discuss.
Perhaps you can teach both your child and partner at the same time?
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp